Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being thoughtless?

[FromDespairToWhere]

My work's xmas do was held (as it is every year) one afternoon in the week before christmas, from 12 until 5pm. At 5pm everyone who wants to carry on with the party goes into town for a few more drinks. In previous years DH and I have gone to this together as we both worked at the same place but this year was the first I've been to on my own as he no longer works for the same company.

I hadn't initially wanted to go but then decided that I would a few weeks before. I told DH that I didn't think I would be out late and wouldn't be drinking a lot as I had to look after DS2 the following day and didn't want to do it tired and with a hangover.

On the morning of the party DH asked what time I thought I was going to be home and I said I would be going into town at 5pm but probably only for a few hours and would text him to let him know what I was doing.

I had a much better time at the christmas party than I had anticipated and texted DH at 8.30pm to tell him this and that a few of us were leaving the main group and going to a quiet pub for a few pints. I got home about 11.30pm and everything seemed okay.

Last night though, DH brought this up during an argument saying that I had lied about what time I would be home and also about texting him. He said that he had expected me to either be home or to have texted him by 7pm. I apologised for not texting him earlier and said I had lost track of the time (not a great excuse I know, but it is the truth). He then got quite angry and said that I had still lied about what time I would be home. I explained that I hadn't intended to be later than about 8ish getting home but had changed my mind while out and didn't think this was such a big deal.

He then said that this is typical of me and that I've lied to him since then. He said that when I went to have my hair cut I said I would be 2 hours but was in fact nearly 4 and that sending a text to let him know where I was didn't make this okay.

I went to get my hair cut on Saturday with my mum and left the house at 10.30am saying I would be a couple of hours. After having our hair cut my mum said she was nipping to the supermarket and did I want to come and get a few bits. This took us about an extra 15 minutes and meant I had everything in for DS1's packed lunches for the week. As we were leaving the supermarket at 12.35pm my mum's friend rang and asked if she wanted to go round for a coffee. I've not seen her for a while and get on well with her so said I would come too. I texted DH and told him this. I arrived home just after 2pm and again everything seemed okay.

Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being a bit thoughtless?

To give a bit of further background to this, DH's ExW cheated on him and left him for OM and I don't think he's ever really gotten past this.

Just sat here thinking isn't it irritating to have to guess at why he might be upset when plans change.

Think he needs to get his teeth apart and let you know the reasons behind his thinking and why he's still upset over the Christmas party time change a month later.

Sorry if this comes across as brash but I'm just so fed up to the back teeth with being seemingly required to instinctively know the reasons for (usually the male parties unhappiness)

How strange as well that everything seems normal immediately after the event and then when you least expect it your DH reveals he wasn't happy with something you did four weeks ago.

A lenghty chat would be my recommendation with him doing a lot of the talking and explaining to you OP (imo anyway)

:)

I'm not sure that he'd have been too happy with me planning to stay out so long. Which isn't good is it.

Nope, it's not. Why wouldn't he have been happy? Are you minimising how long you want to stay out for beforehand in order to avoid a row about it? Because if so, then I suppose he's bang on with his 'lying' comment, but the reasons why you would be lying fall squarely at his feet. You need to be able to say to him 'I'm going out, might be a late one, don't wait up' and for him to be fine with that. Anything less is controlling. And if you find yourself saying you'll only have a couple to appease him, then finding you want to stay later when you have had a couple and are having fun (and further away from the consequences of breaking his rules), you have big problems. Or rather he has the problems - your problem is him.

I'm another one who doesn't (necessarily) think he is controlling.

I'm a stickler for time keeping. And I think it's selfish to amble along with your mum's/friends plans when you've said you'd be home after a couple of hours. When you're looking after kids, an extra couple of hours is a looonngg time.

However, to call you a 'liar' is strange. I'd have been more inclined to call you selfish or thoughtless, not a liar.

Been thinking about why I give time frames to DH before I go out but don't see it as issue to change them while I'm out.

I used to do this with ExH (DS1's dad) and he never used to care where I was or what I was doing. For quite a long time before ExH and I split I had a separate life from him. I used to go out with my family and friends without him because he wasn't interested and then I continued with this as normal after the split.

But DH isn't ExH and I need to try and include him more and not assume that he won't be bothered if I don't come home because he does actually care about me and he does want to spend time as a family.

I will ask DH about the hairdressers though and try to find out why it annoyed him so much and how it made him feel when I texted to say I'd be late.

No one has to be fine with "I don't know what time I'll be in, don't wait up" !
People normally like an indication of when someone will be home, purely for informational reasons.
It's nothing to do with control, it's about worrying that your partner is safe and that nothing bad has happened.

Whether it was my DD or my DH, I would need to know that they would be home before a certain time and once that time had been established I would be furious if they contacted me later on to say that they would be later than orginally planned because it's very bad manners.

If DH said he was going out for a couple of hours I would expect him home within two, if he then strolled in after 4/5, I would be livid.

Perhaps I'm just a big, controlly, control freak though?

Mal, what you are talking about is different. The OP told him what time to expect her, by text. This was not good enough, and she was also apparently wrong to change her plans, even though it did not cause any inconvenience to him that she came home a bit later. She has also said that he wouldn't have been happy with her arranging to stay out until 11.30pm. Can you really say you would have reacted like that and considered it normal?

The 'don't wait up' comment was tongue in cheek, I've certainly ripped DH a new one when he's gone out for a pint and ended up in a lockin/club/who the fuck knows til 3am, but at the same time, if he says 'I'm going out tonight, I'll text you if I'm going to be later than midnight' I'm fine with it. I go to bed, wake up at 2am, check my phone, see his text and go back to sleep. I certainly do not give him a hard time, 4 weeks later, about changing his plans

Completely agree Malifience.

OP, how do you know he would have been angry if you'd said you were staying out until 11:30pm at Christmas? Have you tried this before and got a negative reaction? Or are you assuming?

I only ask because I would be fine if DP said he was planning to come home at 11:30pm - but disappointed if he said 8 and then came home at 11:30. Not least because I would cook dinner for us if I were expecting him home at 8! But also because I enjoy his company and I would plan a different evening for me if he were out for all of it (wine and girlie movie, for example). Again, my evening's enjoyment would be diminished if he texted me at 8, even though he'd let me know his plans.

I wouldn't be stressing 4 weeks later.

DH made comments prior to the christmas do along the lines of 'well you've got to be up with DS2 the next day so you won't want to stay out late and have a lot to drink will you' which I did agree with. He also said that as he was only working a half day the day after he wouldn't be prepared to look after DS2 in the afternoon if I had a hangover as he had things to do. If I had said I would not be home until 11.30 he would be assuming that I wanted to stay out late and get drunk and would probably have started an argument which would have left me so paranoid about having too much to drink that I wouldn't have enjoyed myself at the party. This has happened before, although it was a few years ago.

I didn't have lots to drink, and hadn't intended to, but the thought of DH monitoring my drunkeness and any perceived hangover the next day would have upset me. As it was he made several, supposedly jokey, comments about me having a hangover the following afternoon and phoned from work in the morning to enquire how I was feeling and did I have a hangover. It grated a little bit at the time as I felt there was an implication that I wasn't fit to look after DS2 and that I wasn't a very good mother for having gone out all afternoon and evening drinking.

I tried not to get upset by it and put it down to me being over sensitive and reading into things too much (something I do alot).

He's a controlling twat.

"If I had said I would not be home until 11.30 he would be assuming that I wanted to stay out late and get drunk and would probably have started an argument which would have left me so paranoid about having too much to drink that I wouldn't have enjoyed myself at the party."

Yes, controlling. How very dare you relax and enjoy yourself.

I'm getting cross now.

Why would he make your one night out in a long time (am I right?) so difficult for you?

That's really not nice, and is a feeling that I'm very familiar with (H was pretty controlling/abusive).

Genuinely OP I think you have a problem. You say your H grew up with an EA father - snap for my H.
There are so many little signs from your posts that would concern me. I suspect that those who have been lucky enough not to have had crap relationships, would not understand exactly what is going on.

You are not over-sensitive. You have a right to feel upset. It would be even better if you could have a conversation with your H abut it. A conversation which does not involve you making loads of compromises. Because he is simply wrong.

about it

In that case I'll stop trying to find positive interpretations - he's controlling.

As others have said its about expectations.

You feel entitled to be let off the leash occasionally because you let him lie in amongst other thoughtful things I'm sure. He expects punctuality.

However, him calling you a liar and the other comments about you leaving, lead me to believe he is leaning on the controlling side. Also bringing up objections to things months after the fact is childish, if he believes you have transgressed then there is a statute of limitations, I believe he does this to reinforce in his head his justification for feeling and behaving the way he does. He obviously has issues with his previous relationship and you can be sensitive, as indeed you have been, to this without being treated like a cheat. Sit him down and discuss expectations.

Some people are sticklers for punctuality, others are not, find some middle ground and try and manage each others expectations

I am not defending him (earlier post outlines this) but did he say 'not prepared' to look after DS2 or 'could not' look after DS2 because he had things to do -there is a big difference.
I also think there are other issues in this relationship -he rang to see how you were feeling and your interpretation was that he was suggesting you were not fit to look after DS2. I do not know either of you or did not hear the conversation so cannot make a fully informed opinion. Only the OP can do that but from my perspective your train of thought from a seemingly innocent conversation about how you were feeling suggests all is not well.

Chippy I'm not sure exactly what was said about looking after DS2 and tbh I wouldn't have expected him to look after him if I had a hangover and he had things to do. It was more the implied assumption that I was likely to get drunk and have a hangover and not want to look after DS2 that was the issue for me. If I went out on a regular basis and got drunk and left him to look after the DS2 then I would understand but this has never been the case. I felt he was treating me like a child and while I can be a bit silly and immature at times I've never shirked my responsibility to my kids.

The more I post, the more I realise how many problems there are in our relationship. After the big conversation I think we are going to have to look at counselling as I'm not sure we can work out all this on our own.

Those who've had experience of this - did it end well? I'm thinking you're all going to say no but I'm going to do everything I can before I will admit defeat.

I think that is a good idea. I think communication in the relationship is a big issue. I can only benchmark from my own perspective and there does seem to be a lot of misinterpretations which are resulting in both sides feeling like the other is to blame.

Oh dear. What you label 'oversensitivity' and 'reading too much into things' is a perfectly healthy mind trying to tell you something's wrong. Giving your instincts negative labels is the result having been trained - by him, your ex and/or a parent (or all of 'em) - to blame yourself for others' issues. No wonder your self-esteem was low. Well done on all your good self-enhancement work!

As you realise, you will have to have this conversation and it may be a long one. You will NOT be able to accept blame and labels for your concerns, they are perfectly valid. I think it's hopeful that H appreciates his dad left him with some emotional ishoos - as long as he genuinely wants to overcome them, getting help if needs be.

Please remember that having a reason for bad behaviour doesn't excuse the behaviour, only explains it. It's up to him to find out how to fix it. I know only too well what it's like to wish a relationship better with all your heart! But don't 'settle', my love, you've come too far to throw all your hard-won experience and good work away for another control freak. Good luck with this; I hope it works. You deserve love, respect and support.

Sorry, is he your DAD or your Husband?!
If my fella pulled this with me I'd laugh in his face!

Fair enough if he was worried about you or he had plans which were ruined, but this isn't the case, and you texted him to say where you were and that you'd be late on both occasions.. so what's the big deal?! He's making a mountain out of a mole hill. If he was pissed off, a passing comment to make you aware would be reasonable but not shouting about being a liar..

Agree I don't think he is being controlling. But he should not have called you a liar.

You need to have a good chat about the arguement and why he got so het up about you changing plans/being late.

not sure how i feel about this post really, my exH used to tell me i will be home at such in such a time, so i would do tea for roughly that time and he would return home several hours later, after having met up with mates or "got chatting" he did this all the time even a simple trip to get bread and milk from supermarket (which he always wanted to do) would turn into a 2 hour trip whilst we were waiting to have a cup of tea, he was generally thoughtless about other people or what impact his casual time keeping attitude had on his family, so in the end after many years of this i admit i used to get snotty with him if he keep us waiting because in my eyes there was no need to do it all of the time, constant bad time keeping is just plain bad manners and shows no consideration for the other person, maybe your hair cut was the last straw of you doing this sort of thing to him, i dont know?

Hmmm the comments on this thread are going two ways - the time obsesives amongst us (including me) say he isnt necessarily being controlling and the more time relaxed say he is.

fromdespairtowhere I think you certainly need to talk with your DH.

I talked about this thread with my DH and interestingly he described the OPs behaviour as lying. What he meant was that possibly from OP's DH point of view was that she knew that she would be out longer than stated but didnt say anything until she was already out.

fromdespairtowhere I am a little worried reading your posts that you have progressively got more concerned about your relationship. Is this a genuine concern? MN is very good at making you look at things in different ways but do be sure that you dont end up seeing things which arent there.

Talk to your DH, dont let this fester.