Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being thoughtless?

[FromDespairToWhere]

My work's xmas do was held (as it is every year) one afternoon in the week before christmas, from 12 until 5pm. At 5pm everyone who wants to carry on with the party goes into town for a few more drinks. In previous years DH and I have gone to this together as we both worked at the same place but this year was the first I've been to on my own as he no longer works for the same company.

I hadn't initially wanted to go but then decided that I would a few weeks before. I told DH that I didn't think I would be out late and wouldn't be drinking a lot as I had to look after DS2 the following day and didn't want to do it tired and with a hangover.

On the morning of the party DH asked what time I thought I was going to be home and I said I would be going into town at 5pm but probably only for a few hours and would text him to let him know what I was doing.

I had a much better time at the christmas party than I had anticipated and texted DH at 8.30pm to tell him this and that a few of us were leaving the main group and going to a quiet pub for a few pints. I got home about 11.30pm and everything seemed okay.

Last night though, DH brought this up during an argument saying that I had lied about what time I would be home and also about texting him. He said that he had expected me to either be home or to have texted him by 7pm. I apologised for not texting him earlier and said I had lost track of the time (not a great excuse I know, but it is the truth). He then got quite angry and said that I had still lied about what time I would be home. I explained that I hadn't intended to be later than about 8ish getting home but had changed my mind while out and didn't think this was such a big deal.

He then said that this is typical of me and that I've lied to him since then. He said that when I went to have my hair cut I said I would be 2 hours but was in fact nearly 4 and that sending a text to let him know where I was didn't make this okay.

I went to get my hair cut on Saturday with my mum and left the house at 10.30am saying I would be a couple of hours. After having our hair cut my mum said she was nipping to the supermarket and did I want to come and get a few bits. This took us about an extra 15 minutes and meant I had everything in for DS1's packed lunches for the week. As we were leaving the supermarket at 12.35pm my mum's friend rang and asked if she wanted to go round for a coffee. I've not seen her for a while and get on well with her so said I would come too. I texted DH and told him this. I arrived home just after 2pm and again everything seemed okay.

Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being a bit thoughtless?

To give a bit of further background to this, DH's ExW cheated on him and left him for OM and I don't think he's ever really gotten past this.

Which ever it is depends on how normal this is. I have a friend who is constantly 1 to 2 hours late and it used to get right on everyone elses nerves. I've learned to chill and just add on an hour to any date we set (seriously). i don't know how she lives day to day like that.

If this was the only two times then it is unreasonable, however.

I do feel for him, though, if this sort of texting and then being later than said is kicking up horrible memories of betrayal for him.

You need to decide what is actually happening here.

sorry! X posted

I think the works do was unreasonable as they do tend to go like that, although maybe there was a bit of envy there if he would normally be out having fun as well. Wrt the Saturday, not sure how old the DCs are, but if he'd mentally decided he was 'on duty' for the morning, and then you'd take over I can understand him being a tad peeved, or maybe he was just looking forward to having a nice family lunch which you failed to show up for.

The bit about 'feeling like an old man' is more worrying. Perhaps it feels to him like you're always the one with things to do while he's left holding the fort, he could be feeling unappreciated and that would feed any lingering insecurity he has about his ex.

While it's not your problem to deal with his, an open and honest talk about how you both feel may go a long way to resolving some of the issues and maybe helping him feel more secure.

Nickel - I only brought up the age gap because it bothers DH and he has said before that he thinks I will meet someone my own age one day and run off with them There have been a few issues with my timekeeping a few years ago (I wasn't telling him how long I thought I would be out for and he would get worried) and I've made the effort to be better at keeping in touch with him since then but I obviously need to try harder.

He doesn't look after the DCs much on his own. It's only if I go on a night out without him (which I did about 3 or 4 times last year) or if I go to get my haircut. Oh, and he puts them to bed one night a week so I can go to slimming world. He is good with them though and says he finds looking after them a lot easier than being at work.

If I go out at the weekend without DH I will take the DCs with me (DS1 is 8 and DS2 is 18 mths) so that he can have some time to himself. I think the hairdressers annoyed me as I?d been up with DS2 since 6.30am but DH didn?t get up until 10.25am and wasn?t planning on doing anything that day.

I'm with you on the phone thing - If i can help it i will text or email - i really hate phoning people.

understand re: the age gap thing.

Tbh i don't think it is controlling so much, as someone who is pretty insecure. My XP was a controlling bastard, to the extent that if I was half an hour late, he would come out in his car looking for me.

He also hated it when I got a new job in the next town, as he didn't know the people i would be working with. He was in no way seriously worried if I would leave him for someone else, he just wanted to decide where I was every hour of the day. It was awful.

TBh if my current DP said that he would be back at 8.30, and then text saying 'no am staying out now' and used as an excuse the fact that he lost track of time I would be pretty miffed. I would much rather someone say they will be out 4 hours, and come back after 3, than say they will be 2 hours, and come back after 3. Does that make sense? And I don't think I am controlling, I am pretty easy going, but if you say you will be back at a certain time it is common courtesy to actually make the effort to do so, or at least ring someone to say why.

That said, I would have said this at the time, not let things fester for a month. That is very silly of him.

Age difference - there is 16 years between me and DP. i would be at DP if he said 'you are going to run off with someone your own age'. We are very lucky in that we are not jealous types.

OP if I were you you both need to sit down in a calm mood and talk this through, seeing both sides of teh story.

Can somebody define controlling for me? I have read the OP and cannot see in what way he is being controlling? He is being insecure but has not controlled anything -in fact it is the opposite in that he has had no control over either situation mentioned. They have both weighed on his mind though as it sounds like he has been waiting to bring them up when the opportunity presented.
But in both cases he is being a bit of a dick. Xmas do's inevitably go on later than planned and the hairdresser/coffee thing is just life - opportunties come up and you took it (not like you had to be back home for anything important -if my DP goes to the hairdressers I tend not to make plans iyswim). And you texted him both times - you have not done anything wrong and he needs to put this into perspective and figure out why it bothers him so much. Or just get over himself.

I think he is being controlling. if you made a habit of this i might see his POV but two occassions? Not a problem. He could have called you or texted you to ask couldn't he? It's great to be able to be spontaneous on the odd occasions you get to escape from job/home/kids.

Thanks Nickel. It's nice to know someone understands the phone thing.

I'm going to write everything down. How I feel about things and where I think I need to make changes and then talk to DH about them. He needs to try to resolve the issues he's got re his ExW cheating but I think I need to try and see things from his point of view a bit more and stop these misunderstandings and assumptions being made.

DH has quite a strong personality and has said he knows he can be bossy where I don't and will often just give in and agree with him for a quiet life. I have had some mental health problems and have suffered from low self esteem all my life. I'm currently trying to sort myself out and become more positive about myself which includes losing the excess weight i'm carrying and having more of a social life and seeing my friends more. I have a feeling that to some degree DH prefers the fat, quiet, anti-social me as he feels secure that I won't want to leave him. Time to reassure him that me getting rid of my demons doesn't have to mean getting rid of him too.

I've always been too scared to post stuff like this before (the curse of low self esteem) but it's really helped me be able to see things a bit more clearly.

He is telling her that she needs to keep him updated of her whereabouts at all times, trying to set time limits on how long she spends out of the house, and is angry when she deviates from her stated plan, even when it causes him no inconvenience, simply due to the fact that she is not behaving herself and conforming to his timetable.

I'm shocked that there are people who would not see this as controlling.

I can understand him feeling a bit exasperated when you changed your plans - but imo you weren't unreasonable and the one thing that stands out is his use of the word lying. You'd have been lying if you said you'd be back at a certain time, knowing you'd be longer. You'd be lying if you told him you were somewhere or with someone you weren't. But you didn't lie. You altered your plans, reasonably.

This could become controlling, if you let his simmering resentments influence your decisions. As someone else said, the detail in your OP suggests you're already in the habit of over-justifying your movements. This is a slippery slope.

I think you've got to make him understand the difference between deception (lying) and flexibility - with a view to compromise. For example, would he have felt better if you'd phoned him about meeting the friend for coffee? Did he feel that you'd offered him no say in whether he stopped at home for a further hour? Taken him for granted?

If you can't thrash this out between you properly, I really do feel you should consider going to Relate. It'd be silly to let this ruin your family ife. But it could do, if it goes on for a long time.

Cross-posted with you, Eric. I think my second paragraph would have been stronger if I'd read yours first.

Yes Grace as per ususal is bang on.

I don;t think it is controlling per se but it would be worth nipping it in the bud (I didn't register the 'lying' bit in the OP, yes that is rather telling.

To be honest if DP had done this, I would have huffed and puffed and said 'you could have bloody well let me know you were going to be home a bit earlier than half 8' and that would have been it. I wouldn't have sat there and pondered the issue for 4 weeks. That is worrying.

Somewhat impetuous, scatty and a tad irritating maybe, but calling you a liar is a HUGE step too far

Listen to Grace. She is Very Wise.

I have just read Camerondiazepam and laughed loudly at the name.

Agree Huw - how did I miss that he called her a liar in the OP? Must have skim read past it. It is one thing to be a bit flaky, but another to be accused to planning to be late.

Seems mostly like a classic problem with communication - both of you. He said that being late was 'typical' of you and you have said that looking back you think he's 'always' been a bit controlling.

In my experience when you get into 'always and never' type discussions, you stop talking about the real issues and start generalising and blaming.

It sounds like a good idea for you to write everything down and to explain to him how you feel and perhaps to help him explain to you how he feels. He was wrong to accuse you of lying, but he would not be wrong to say " when you do x..., it makes me feel as though you are lying". Some counselling for him might be good to help him with his insecurity - you cannot make him feel secure, only he can do that for himself. But you are doing the right things to understand his concerns. It is fantastic that you are doing things that make you feel better about yourself and improve your self esteem, keep on doing that. And also understand that these sudden changes may appear threatening to him. HE has to deal with that, it is not your problem, but understanding his concerns and talking to him will help.

GOML - I think you're right and DH would have found it easier if I'd said I won't be home until 12 and then turned up at 11.30 but I'm not sure that he'd have been too happy with me planning to stay out so long. Which isn't good is it.

DH's father was very controlling and emotionally abusive and so his view on what is normal can be slightly skewed. He is however, very aware of this and does not want to end up like him. I get the impression that DH has been trying hard not to be controlling and is aware that his feelings are not always rational but his control of this seems to have slipped in the past few months.

I really do love him and want my marriage to work but I do like to be quite independent and spontaneous so need to find a compromise before things get any worse.

I think a lot of it is down to the meaning of "a couple". To a lot of people it means literally two hours. To me (and you and others) it can mean up to 4 or 5 hrs.

I don't think he sounds controlling, but I do think that you seem to feel a need to justify yourself and your schedule to your partner.

I don't know why you kept tolg him you would be back home early, when clearly nobody ever knows if they will have a good time, so it is better to to not commit to any particular time...?

You want to tell him you are back in two hours, but then you overrun. Maybe from now on do not give a specific time when you'll be back. (Don't know if this is something he demands of you, or if you just feel this need to justify and explain yourself?)

I find it really annoying if DH goes to the pub for "just a couple of pints" and stays away all night. I have told him I do not mind him staying out late, but I somehow do not like being "assured" he will be back home soon, when obviously, he may well not be. I feel I am put in a position of nagging. i prefer a partner telling me they just.do.not.know.when.they.will.be.beck instead of these weird reassurances that I never asked for anyway.

Huw you just nearly made me spit my coffee over the keyboard. "Somewhat impetuous, scatty and a tad irritating maybe"

I didn't realise we'd met . That's me to a T.

Good point Chandon. He doesn't make me give specific times but I always feel the need to volunteer them and I'm not really sure why.

Is this why his first wife left him?

I think it is controlling in that he he is making OP feel guilty about having fun!

Perhaps to the point that she will stop & he will always know where she is?

DH married his ExW when she was 18 and he was 21 and then they both moved to the other end of the country shortly after so that she could go to uni. She left him at the start of her final year. He's never spoken much about their relationship and it's never occurred to me that he could have been controlling with her but it's definitely possible.

OP, well that is very honest of you.

You'll need to manage expectations better to say: I may be late, and then be home earlier than expected than the other way around.

Don't know your DP, or you, but to me it doesn't sound too sinister.

Was thinking about how I would feel if it were my DP in your shoes.

Wouldn't have been at all phased by the Christmas party thing. When DP's on a rare night out with the boys we generally have a quick conversation beforehand where I ask him what time he's likely to be back and to text me if it's going to be any later(not because I mind what time he comes in, but because I worry if I wake up and he's not home when he thought he'd be). If he genuinely doesn't know, as seems to have been your case here, then I ask him to text if he's going to be later than midnight!

I probably would have been annoyed by the haircut thing. But only because we both work and our weekends together and with the DC are precious. If I were expecting him back at lunchtime and he didn't rock up until midafternoon then I would feel like a large part of our together time that day had been lost (irrespective of whether he'd texted to let me know he'd be late or not). I might also have chosen to do something different with the DCs if I knew he wasn't coming back (e.g. take them out to lunch at soft play, rather than a quick trip to the park).

Also agree with Chandon - never give me false reassurances because I'll worry when you don't live up to them!

I really don't like the calling you a liar thing though.

Sounds like both of you could do with better communication because you're often at cross purposes. And he needs to deal with his trust issues.