Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being thoughtless?

[FromDespairToWhere]

My work's xmas do was held (as it is every year) one afternoon in the week before christmas, from 12 until 5pm. At 5pm everyone who wants to carry on with the party goes into town for a few more drinks. In previous years DH and I have gone to this together as we both worked at the same place but this year was the first I've been to on my own as he no longer works for the same company.

I hadn't initially wanted to go but then decided that I would a few weeks before. I told DH that I didn't think I would be out late and wouldn't be drinking a lot as I had to look after DS2 the following day and didn't want to do it tired and with a hangover.

On the morning of the party DH asked what time I thought I was going to be home and I said I would be going into town at 5pm but probably only for a few hours and would text him to let him know what I was doing.

I had a much better time at the christmas party than I had anticipated and texted DH at 8.30pm to tell him this and that a few of us were leaving the main group and going to a quiet pub for a few pints. I got home about 11.30pm and everything seemed okay.

Last night though, DH brought this up during an argument saying that I had lied about what time I would be home and also about texting him. He said that he had expected me to either be home or to have texted him by 7pm. I apologised for not texting him earlier and said I had lost track of the time (not a great excuse I know, but it is the truth). He then got quite angry and said that I had still lied about what time I would be home. I explained that I hadn't intended to be later than about 8ish getting home but had changed my mind while out and didn't think this was such a big deal.

He then said that this is typical of me and that I've lied to him since then. He said that when I went to have my hair cut I said I would be 2 hours but was in fact nearly 4 and that sending a text to let him know where I was didn't make this okay.

I went to get my hair cut on Saturday with my mum and left the house at 10.30am saying I would be a couple of hours. After having our hair cut my mum said she was nipping to the supermarket and did I want to come and get a few bits. This took us about an extra 15 minutes and meant I had everything in for DS1's packed lunches for the week. As we were leaving the supermarket at 12.35pm my mum's friend rang and asked if she wanted to go round for a coffee. I've not seen her for a while and get on well with her so said I would come too. I texted DH and told him this. I arrived home just after 2pm and again everything seemed okay.

Is DH being a bit controlling or am I being a bit thoughtless?

To give a bit of further background to this, DH's ExW cheated on him and left him for OM and I don't think he's ever really gotten past this.

I am on the flexi time mindset of OP. I would find your husband's attitude annoying and rude

Thanks for all your comments and sorry I haven't been back on before now.

Gnome thanks for providing the other pov throughout this thread. You've made me have a good look at myself and how DH views my actions. I do have genuine concerns about my relationship and I think MN has just highlighted them and helped me see exactly what the problems are rather than them just being a big jumble in my head iyswim.

It is very interesting though to see that there are two very distinct camps when it comes to timekeeping and what is viewed as controlling behaviour.

FDTW but I'm going to do everything I can before I will admit defeat.
This is a positive attitude to the problems you are beginning to see.
BUT keep it in mind that you can do all you can to sort out the relationship but if your DH is not of a similar mind and also trying to make the necessary changes then NOTHING you do will work.
I only say this because if he has controlling tendencies and you have low self-esteem then the potential is there for you to accept complete responsibility for a relationship that in reality you can only EVER have half the responsibility for iyswim.
You are not responsible for his attitudes, what he says or does, he is.
You have some concerns now, so trust your instincts and thought processes and do not allow him to dismiss them or make them 'your problem'.

Gnomedeplume - I don't agree. I don't see that the two 'camps' are split like that at all.

fromdespairtowhere - there are people here who are confusing what you did, with what their partners or ex's do/did. Yes, if you regularly said 'I'll be home by 6 for dinner' then stopped in the pub all night, it's shit. However, you went to a Christmas party and you said you didn't think you'd go out after, you were having a good time and changed your mind and let him know - how anyone can find a 'crime' in that I don't know. As for the 'hairdresser day' it took longer than you thought and you had an opportunity to do something you don't normally do - so you changed your mind - you sent him a text - it's not like you just didn't turn up and once again, it's once in a while (quite a while by the sound of it!) you are an adult, you are allowed to change your mind. If he was so desperate for a family day he could have said so and he would have been out of bed before 10.30.

He says it's easier to look after the kids than work - yes, because he rarely does it and I bet when he's looking after the kids he's not doing anything around the house.

He's controlling you in a lot of ways and you are bending to it, so much you can't see half of it :(

The two things/events you have outlined are perfectly normal and not situations where you need to be more thoughtful/ring him more.

I couldn't live under Malificents 'rules' - an adult not allowed to change their mind???

Different attitudes about time commitments and also communication.

I find Mal's attitude to time keeping perfectly normal. I find a casual attitude to timekeeping intensely annoying. For me it is all about good manners. Of course the more time-casual diagree. I recognise that.

Personally I think that texting the love of your life to say you are going to be late/change plans is also a bit weird but then I dont get the whole texting thing anyway.

I think that mumsnet can be great but I think it can be also be dangerous as it points out monsters under the bed which may not really be there. A diagnosis of 'controlling behaviour' from a safe distance on so little evidence is unfair on either *Despairtowhere' or her DH

Sometimes (rarely), threads here get bogged down in the sequence of events rather than the core question. I think that's happened here. The query isn't "Do you mind if your partner changes their plans?" - it's about whether the partner's annoyance at changed plans is disproportionate.

By all common standards, OP's behaviour was normal and her manners were fine. A phone call might have been better than a text, but DH could have rung or texted her back if he needed to discuss. He didn't.

Hanging on to a strong resentment about it for several weeks is disproportionate and unfair. The only sane response, if he did mind, would be to object at the time. He didn't. OP has also told us she feels she has to justify herself, he's a bad timekeeper, she has self-esteem worries and he's got acknowledged issues around trust. So the ingredients of a power imbalance are all there ansd staring us in the face.

The only way OP could have avoided a confrontation would have been to say she couldn't meet the family friend because her H was expecting her ... she couldn't carry on the evening out because her H was expecting her ... etc. In other words, to sacrifice her 'me time' to her H's control.
She could, as some have suggested, lie about her expected time out - but then she would be lying! Unhelpful, imo - lying 'the other way round' is still dishonest and manipulative.

"I find a casual attitude to timekeeping intensely annoying. For me it is all about good manners."

It´s not about timekeeping though really, is it?

She wasn´t late for an appointment, she didn´t make her husband late for anything.

She decided to stay out longer than originally intended-& told her husband that.

If you are not a text person, texting and telling are in no way the same thing.

GDP - your splitting hairs. Actually, perhaps a bit like the OPs DH. No matter what she did (bar not going out at all/coming home early) she would have been wrong...
OP, I hope you realise that there are many here that do recognise the feelings you are having and do not think you were being thoughtless at all.

I wonder if it´d not so much the times as doing something "extra".

First she went to the party then into town & to a pub-not just party & town.

Then when to haidresser & a friend-not just hairdresser.

What would have been said if all 4hrs has been spent at the haidresser I wonder?

But diddl, how does that matter? It might matter to your boss if she'd specifically given you an extra hour to get your hair done at lunchtime - she'd have the right to be cross if you then used the hour to go for coffee with a friend. A husband isn't a boss, though.

And this is where it goes round in circles. If you are one of those people for whom time commitments are important then it does matter. If you are more time-casual then it doesnt matter.

I think that this is one of those things which can wind up couples (and families).

The problem is that from my experience the couple can end up looking at each other over a chasm of misunderstanding. One side cant see the problem and hates being controlled, the other side feels they are being deceived and disrespected.

Both are wrong and both are right and both need to talk

"But diddl, how does that matter?"

Maybe it doesn´t, who knows?

OPs husband seems really wound up & I was just musing about why.

What the devil is this all about.
Is Eastenders really real?

ARepleteHmmSkiNun ??????????????? AGAIN
ARepleteHmmSkiNun has put these nonsensical posts on a few different threads.
It's hilarious. Not.

What is nonsensical?

It appears to me that this script is straight out of Eastenders. I may be wrong. Perhaps people really do live like this?

ARepleteHmmSkiNun Thanks for your comments. Really helpful

Everyone else we had a talk about things last night and things are less tense between us now . DH still couldn't really see my pov about texting to say I'd be late but did say that if I'd said I'd not be back until 12 at christmas then he wouldn't have had an issue with things. I'm not entirely convinced by this but am willing to wait and see what happens next time I go out.

DH had a docs appt this morning about something else but has asked to be referred for counselling to help him move past his issues with ExW.

I have an appt this afternoon and am going to ask for referral too (for my mental health problems as well as my marriage problems). DH and I have agreed that we will then look at marriage counselling as a couple.

DH did say that he wishes he could go out more. I said I thought he should too and am more than happy for him to do so. His reply was that he doesn't really have a lot of friends anymore as many had ended during his last relationship. He was with someone for 8 years on and off before me but it was not a good relationship and his ex was quite demanding and controlling!

Of the few friends he still has, two are women and he said he would be uncomfortable with going out with either of them on his own as he doesn't feel it's appropriate for married people to go out for drinks with someone of the opposite sex. One of the others works with me and doesn't go out much apart from work nights out as his wife doesn't like him going out much.

I think DH is a bit jealous of my, very limited, social life but I don't feel I should have to give this up or be made to feel bad about it just because he doesn't have the same. Saying that, I catch myself wondering if I am being a bit selfish for this but the few people I have spoken to in RL say not (although they would I guess as they are my friends and not his!).

I've really valued all your input as it's difficult for me to tell what is reasonable behaviour as my self esteem issues always make me doubt myself.

Sorry for the mammoth post

That sounds really positive. Would your DH consider taking up a hobby?

I haven't read all the replies only despires so not sure of anyone else picked up on this point but didn't you mention a slimming club and losing weight? Could this be part of hos insecruities?

It sounds as though you could perhaps do with a few nice nights out as a couple, too?

CinnabarRed He used to have quite a few hobbies prior to his last relationship before me and I think it would be a good idea for him to try and get back into some of these. I'll suggest this to him.

LoveBeingADaddysGirl I do think this is making him feel insecure

tattiemum Definitely. We've arranged for DM to have the DCs one night at the beginning of next month so that we can go out for a meal and a few drinks.