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Relationships

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Original poster

What to do when there's love but no lust at all

77 replies

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 10:24

New here and a bit nervous. Been with DH for 15 years, 3 DCs, everything ticking along okay apart from the fact that I don't find him attractive at all any more. It sounds so nasty and shallow, but that's how it is. Can a marriage ever work with this elephant in the room? There was a thread on here over Christmas re. Do you still fancy your husband, and I was stunned by how many of you really completely do. Happy for you guys, obviously, but v. sad for me and DH. Obviously our sex life is pretty crap. Is there any hope?

OP posts:

ILovedYou · 18/01/2011 10:39

is there something specific you find offpuuting?

MigratingCoconuts · 18/01/2011 10:44

is there a possibility that you have confused this with being just 'stuck in a rut'?

It is amazing what a short weekend break can do for reminding you why you got together in the first place.

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 10:51

Nothing specific (though losing the hairy back would help!), just zero physical attraction. We actually get on well, he's definitely one of the good guys, it's just that we're more like brother and sister these days. These years, actually.

And we have had the occasional night away (does once a year count?) but nothing much changes.

OP posts:

WherecanIhide · 18/01/2011 14:07

Have you seen the other thread about cold feet re getting married?

Malificence · 18/01/2011 14:26

What did you find sexy/attractive about him in the first place?
Are those features no longer apparent or have you just stopped looking at him in that way?
Are you completely happy within yourself / have a good self image? - it's amazing how feeling bad about yourself can be projected onto your partner as negative feelings.

Does he make you feel special or sexy by the way he behaves towards you and does he still fancy you?

Sorry for the inquisition, just looking for some background.

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 15:52

WhereCanIHide, yes I have read a lot of that thread and there's very useful stuff there, but it's all a bit painful looking at it from this many years down the line. I would obviously be on the side of Don't Marry, because if there's not much attraction now, it will completely evaporate once any DCs come along ....

OP posts:

batman47555 · 18/01/2011 15:58

on the lighter side quietlife
i thought you were my wife at first
but the 3 kids opposed to our 1 and my not too hairy back reassured me you were not
but i am hubby on other end too

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 16:04

Malificence, I'm more than happy to be interrogated, just worried where my answers are going to lead me ....

Can't remember exactly what I found attractive in him at the beginning, other than that he was the complete opposite of my previous not v. nice partner. He hasn't changed that much over the years, neither have I (apart from both maybe looking vaguely sad these days.

I don't know if he still fancies me - not much evidence. He works long hours and we both go to bed knackered. For all I know he's on a dadsnet site at this minute posting something similar...

OP posts:

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 16:08

So Batman, how is it for you? On the other thread I read, most of the women posting about how much they did still fancy their husbands were adamant that if you didn't, you shouldn't be together, because it wasn't fair on the poor bloke. But is it fair to break up a family over this?

OP posts:

Hullygully · 18/01/2011 16:09

Drugs. You need drugs.

batman47555 · 18/01/2011 16:11

wife always too tired or makes excuses, i have high sex drive etc
but love her and we get on great
so its hard (no not that)

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 16:11

Hullygully, hey, if it worked I'd try anything

OP posts:

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 16:16

Batman, that's too bad. Was it always like that, or just since DC came along?

OP posts:

midlifemalaise · 18/01/2011 16:28

I don't fancy my husband at all.
We are like brother and sister, have lots in common, good friends, he's a good dad to our dds, (the elder dd is not his).
I've known him since I was 17, (I'm now 41) I was his first love, but sadly he wasn't mine.
We broke up several times over the last 20 odd years and i married someone else in between.
We got back together 9 years ago, I know I married him for the wrong reasons. Wanted security, wanted a friend, wanted a happy family life. I never fancied him, but i loved him, and I thought that was enough.
But now my dds are 7 and 11 I know its not enough.
I feel very selfish and ungrateful for what I have but I'm very unhappy.
It has always been an issue in our relationship, he has a high sex drive but mine is nil.
I had 18 months of therapy to deal with phobias and my lack of sex drive and uncovered sexual abuse I suffered as a child.
I sorted out my phobias but sex drive was still nil.
Then a year ago I met up with my first love and we had an affair. I realised I did in fact have a very healthy sex drive, just not with my dh.
I've ended the affair because I felt so terrible lying and deceiving dh.
However, I can't bring myself to have sex with my dh, it repulses me more than before. I do it because if I don't he'll sulk for a week, bang doors, be vile to me and the girls, so i give in and 'do' it, but that means resentment is building up.
Sorry, didn't mean to spill all that, I'm at a loss.

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 16:40

midlifemalaise, so sorry, that's awfully sad. Makes me very grateful that I'm never pressured to have sex (though that's probably because DH's sex drive has hit rock bottom too). Does your DH not notice or care that you're not that willing?

OP posts:

Scruffyhound · 18/01/2011 16:44

My word there are some unhappy ladies. Im so sorry you feel like this. I can remember feeling like this before it was over. I could not stand for him to touch me. I had our DS and was feeling down. We went out for the first time in ages for a drink and should of been food. He just said all night Im randy lets go home. I was like no we have come out we never get to go out. I wanted to have a "date" he wanted sex. After that it went down hill. His mum paid for us to stay in a hotel in a lovley room for his grandparents party. He wanted sex all night I just did not at that point I knew along with other problems such as him not bothering with me and DS beacuse the computer was more important I had enough. I left. I met someone else and the spark was great Im still with him 3 yrs on. But he is different now I am pregnant does the sex always have to be good? Does it not fizzle out at some point who ever your with or am I wrong?

midlifemalaise · 18/01/2011 16:48

He knows I don't want to, we've rowed constantly about it for years, he's asked me to leave a couple of times, but where do I go with 2 dds?!
He buys me Anne Summers underwear, to try and get me in the mood, but i feel stupid, I feel like a hooker.
I try and be affectionate, I want cuddles and holding hands, I just don't want sex, with him. I always end up sore, because he lasts ages, I just want it over and done with. I usually just offer a BJ as its quicker and I can think about something else.
He's not speaking to me at the moment because it's been a coupe of weeks, I know I'll have to give in soon or it'll mean another massive row!

midlifemalaise · 18/01/2011 16:52

Everything would be perfect, if there was no pressure to have sex, I've even told him that but I know it's not enough for him and I feel bad about that, he earns the money, it's my duty, he says it's all he asks for.

Original poster

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 17:01

But Midlifemalaise, that's so far from perfect, so not acceptable, surely? Just because he earns the money, being married doesn't give him automatic rights to sex. Obviously, things are not at all right in my world either, but putting you under pressure, then being vile to you if you don't comply is not fair.

OP posts:

midlifemalaise · 18/01/2011 17:44

I know but i don't want to be a single parent again.
My first husband left me for a girl half his age when our dd was 6 months old. He looked elsewhere because I wasn't that up for sex after she was born.
Recurring theme here.

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 19:05

Midlife, you're being emotionally & sexually abused. It's just WRONG to bully & blackmail someone into sex. You must feel like shit :( In what ways would being single be worse?

Quietlife, Batman et al: I'm so sorry for your unhappiness - and for your partners, too. It's horrid to feel unwanted, and also to feel that you're letting down the person you love. It's true, isn't it, that you get used to living without sex? But you do feel the lack of ... joy from it. For anyone who hasn't tried it yet, I'd recommend sex therapy. We all think we know everything about our bodies & feelings, but it's surprising how much there is to learn. There are even some very good church-based workshops for christians whose marriages have gone fraternal.

Malificence · 18/01/2011 19:07

Batman is a troll - a nasty one at that.

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 19:10

Damn! Cheers, Mal :)

superv1xen · 18/01/2011 19:16

i just couldn't be with someone i didn't fancy.

i have been with soon-to-be DH nearly three years and i still fancy him as much as i did the first time i set eyes on him. if not more. i hope that i always do.

however, with my exH i had gone off him completely (was with him 7 years) by the last year or two, i absolutely did not fancy him one little bit. and that was a big reason i left him.

Ormirian · 18/01/2011 19:28

Oh I don't know. I really don't.

Everything in our relationship is good. Our lives are good atm, best they've been for a long time. We have sex - quite regular and pretty satisfactory sex TBH - but it's probably not as frequent as he'd like, and if I'm honest I'd not bother if it wasn't that I know he wants it and I want him to be happy. He never pressures me for sex - never. After DS1 was born he started to do so and we had a big emotional 'clearout' and he has learned not to do it.

I don't 'fancy' him in the trembling, aching in the gut way that I did years ago, but I love him and care about him and I think that will have to do for now. I have regrets I suppose but they are about the passing of time as much as anything else. I think lust is one of the things I've put away in the loft along with the baby clothes and my wedding dress iyswim.

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