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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when there's love but no lust at all

77 replies

AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 10:24

New here and a bit nervous. Been with DH for 15 years, 3 DCs, everything ticking along okay apart from the fact that I don't find him attractive at all any more. It sounds so nasty and shallow, but that's how it is. Can a marriage ever work with this elephant in the room? There was a thread on here over Christmas re. Do you still fancy your husband, and I was stunned by how many of you really completely do. Happy for you guys, obviously, but v. sad for me and DH. Obviously our sex life is pretty crap. Is there any hope?

OP posts:
Ormirian · 18/01/2011 19:29

But we are talking about 19 and a half years married and 6 years 'in sin' before that.

superv1xen · 18/01/2011 19:32

also, i thought i had lost my sex drive, that sex was over rated, i really did not like sex at all and barely let exH near me in the final couple of years, and when i did, it was out of a sense of "duty"

but my god when me and stb-DH got together it was like firecrackers and i finally realised what all the fuss was about re sex :o i realised it wasn't me, it was the relationship.

i guess what i am saying is no one should waste their lives in a sexless relationship or even a relationship where the sex is a chore.

Original poster
AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 20:24

ItsGraceAgain, thanks for trying to help. But the thought of sex therapy sends me running for the hills. And how could it work when I basically don't much want any contact? Feel sure it's not a question of technique here, just a switch that's turned off.

OP posts:
Original poster
AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 20:41

superv1xen, hi, thanks for your comments. Glad you've got your mojo back Wink .May I ask if you have any DCs?

I agree that no one should waste their lives in a sexless relationship, but in my case, with 3 DCs, surely I don't have the right to muck up their lives over this?

OP posts:
Original poster
AQuietLife · 18/01/2011 20:48

Ormirian, thanks too, you sound lovely. Very philosophical and very sorted. Wish I could see it your way.

OP posts:
Malificence · 18/01/2011 20:59

Do you think that you don't fancy your husband because you don't want sex? or you don't want sex because you don't fancy your husband?
There's a big difference imho.

pickgo · 18/01/2011 21:01

with 3 DCs, surely I don't have the right to muck up their lives over this?
But it's not the 'sex' really is it? Can you separate it from the rest of your relationship? If your DH was attentive, took you on a fab eve out, complimented you, gently kissed you and held hands etc etc... then came home and went straight to sleep... would you be a might surprised?
These things have scripts IME and I suspect the script is wrong for you?
Might be completely off the radar here tho!

superv1xen · 18/01/2011 21:04

aquietlife i have two DC. one DS aged nearly 5 with my exH and one DD aged 19 months with my new chap.

when i left exH dc1 was only a few months old, so was not affected by the split. and now me and exH get on fine and he is involved in Ds's life. i was also only 26 so was easy for me to start again.

IMO - no one should stay in an unhappy relationship. DC or no DC. they will cope as long as you both handle it properly. and IMO - if there is no sex, then it is not a happy relationship, on both sides. doesn't your DH deserve someone who actually WANTS to sleep with him?

sorry if i sound harsh. you sound lovely BTW.

superv1xen · 18/01/2011 21:05

also malificence poses a very interesting question.

Loveitalia · 18/01/2011 21:06

aquietlife ...is there something that you don't find attractive about DH anymore? Think about what attracted you to him initially. I've been with my DH 26yrs - married for 17 in June and got 3 DC. I really love my DH and sometimes still feel "that buzz" of excitement when I look at him but in the past things have got in the way I.e. 3 children, youngest is 3yrs (the stress!) setting up a business, having 3 jobs while trying to look after DC DH and self so that your whole system works. Just looking or walking past the bedroom makes me want to sleep for a week! I have sex most of the time because I know he needs it more than me and I wouldn't want sex anymore if I was with someone new. I'm more into the romance side rather than sexual but you are a partnership and both sides have to be considered. Can you get back what you had? Sometimes it feels you can't but I have and so can you if that's what you want.

Loveitalia · 18/01/2011 21:17

Sorry I've repeated some questions already asked..doh!

midlifemalaise · 18/01/2011 22:21

I don't want sex because I dont fancy my husband.
When I was seeing the OM I fancied the pants off him and wanted to have sex all the time.
I've NEVER felt like that about my dh, even when we were together pre dc's, pre marriage.
I always thought friendship was enough for marriage, I was wrong.
I don't want to leave because my dd's are happy, settled, secure and financially it would be a very bad move for everybody. I know I'm just biding my time til the dd's are older. Yes i think my husband deserves to be with someone who loves and desires him, he is a lovely man, just not the man for me.

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 22:38

Don't you owe it to your relationship to discuss this properly?

ItsGraceAgain · 18/01/2011 22:43

Sex therapy isn't all about 'technique' as you put it. It's about sexual relationships.

tb · 18/01/2011 23:35

Have you had your thyroid hormone levels checked? Ditto for iron? Eating a 'balanced diet'?

It could be something as simple as that as the source of the problem. Might be worth ruling out, if nothing else.

Original poster
AQuietLife · 19/01/2011 04:21

Sorry to cut and run. DH home early last night so couldn't exactly post any more. It's now nearly 4am and I couldn't sleep, so I'm up trying to finish some teacher training work ...

Malificence unfortunately, it's the latter. I don't feel like I've got a problem with the idea of sex, just don't really want sex with him.

And I did read the info re. sex therapy, thanks ItsGraceAgain. But I'm still running for those hills. Because the thought of trying to explain to some real live person, in front of DH, that I just don't find him attractive any more is very hard to imagine. The same with trying to discuss it with each other ... how hurtful would it be to admit that to him?

And pickgo, that scenario is pretty much what would happen! DH is fairly attentive, we do have the odd night out, we hold hands sometimes. Then we come home and go to sleep .... As I said, DH is for all I know on some parallel site saying the same stuff about me!

tb thanks, and no I haven't had anything like that checked out, so I'll look into it. But I do eat well, exercise a bit etc.

Finally, loveitalia, glad you and DH are on the right track. But for me the 'buzz of excitement' has not been around for years. As you say, the early years with DCs don't leave much room for romance, but we're coming out of all that now and I still can't see anything changing ....

OP posts:
batman47555 · 19/01/2011 07:49

guess i find it hard to understand as when expecting our littlun she always made sure i was catered for, and for a year or so afterwards it was ok
but for past 12 years its been like a drought

Original poster
AQuietLife · 19/01/2011 08:36

Forgot to say to midlifemalaise, so sorry you're in that position. Did you see what Ormiriam said about trying to change the situation -

"He never pressures me for sex - never. After DS1 was born he started to do so and we had a big emotional 'clearout' and he has learned not to do it. "

That sounds like the fairest solution - obviously don't take it as far as I seem to have, where sex is like an alien concept now!

You seem to be a good, strong person, but do try to put yourself first sometimes. It sounds like your happiness is far less important than DCs or DH's. Did you see what ItsGraceAgain said, that what DH is doing is mental and physical abuse? Sorry, but I kind of agree, just didn't think I was the right person to say it ...

OP posts:
superv1xen · 19/01/2011 08:55

why are you still with her batman Confused

batman47555 · 19/01/2011 08:58

coz i love her

Original poster
AQuietLife · 19/01/2011 09:45

And is that enough for you, batman?

OP posts:
batman47555 · 19/01/2011 09:49

has been for 10 years or more
ok i am sometimes a naughty boy when away with work!!!

Original poster
AQuietLife · 19/01/2011 10:18

batman does your wife know about it? could be that's adding to the problem ....

OP posts:
batman47555 · 19/01/2011 10:31

no she does not, but woudl prefer her anytime

Malificence · 19/01/2011 11:08

Batman - shouldn't you be annoying people on a different site? Some people really shouldn't be out on the internet alone Hmm.

Ignore him Quietlife, he'll be talking about his fetishes and the couples he hooks up with for extra-marital sex in a minute, (if I was his wife I wouldn't want sex with him either), he's not even bright enough to use different AE's.