What to do when there's love but no lust at all

[AQuietLife]

New here and a bit nervous. Been with DH for 15 years, 3 DCs, everything ticking along okay apart from the fact that I don't find him attractive at all any more. It sounds so nasty and shallow, but that's how it is. Can a marriage ever work with this elephant in the room? There was a thread on here over Christmas re. Do you still fancy your husband, and I was stunned by how many of you really completely do. Happy for you guys, obviously, but v. sad for me and DH. Obviously our sex life is pretty crap. Is there any hope?

Aquietlife - there is a sex therapy technique called "sensate focus" - it's all about bringing intimacy back through (mainly non-sexual) touch.

It could be worth a look?

Oooh, be very careful there.

I know of a lady who had a good husband, one of the good guys. Hard working, family orientated; great kids/home/lifestyle but, she "went off him" and sadly found another who provided all that excitement we like so much in a fling/new relationship.

Her DH found out, he was gutted and they divorced.

Her relationship with the exciting other man didn't last. She would, given the chance, have returned to her exH had he not moved on.

I met this good man some years later. We are now very, very happily married. I adore him. We have a great relationship/home/lifestyle and he's a great step parent to my young son.

I thank his ex-wife from the bottom of my heart for breaking his all those years ago.

Look at what you have. Sort it. Don't be too ready to throw in the towel.

Oh dear....my post makes me sound as hard as nails. I'm not!!

Of course, I wouldn't wish a broken heart on anyone and the pain it caused to his kids and the wider family but......

He's with me and I'm happy and frankly, you may not get that lucky again!

Hope it works out for you and you reach the decision best for all of you.

Good luck.

You didn't sound hard, wendi, you sounded compassionate and happy :)

I live with my partner and have a child and I'm not attracted to him at all either! We haven't had sex in 2 years!
If I'm honest with myself I never have been, I think i was looking for security etc but after living with him for 2 years I'm unhappy and crave the feeling of being attracted to someone. Like you I feel I can't break up the family over this. However we argue too (I start it) probably because I hate the situation. You mention that you get on well though - maybe this is a reason to stay together?

2 Years!!
My dh, sulks if I don't have sex for two weeks!!
I tell my dh that other couples are not having sex all the time, but he just says, " I'm not interested in other couples, I want sex with you all the time, it's the only thing i want from you".
So then I feel really guilty that as a wife I'm a failure!
I've told him to go and find it somewhere else! I wish he would!
I think if i tell him I don't fancy him anymore and don't want sex anymore he might tell me to leave again.
I have also been told on one occasion to move to the shed!!
Do you think that would be a reasonable response if I said that?

Hi Wendihouse, I didn't think you sounded hard at all either, that was a really nice post thanks. Just feel so guilty when I hear people say things like they 'adore' their husband. That's so how it should be, whereas I love and appreciate my DH, but don't adore him ... and really don't fancy him.

And Malificence thanks for the warning re Batman. As I said, I'm new here and don't know much about the whole troll thing. He sounded okay as well (apart from the shagging other women stuff, obviously!)

lexp72 can I ask how old you are? I'm 38. Can't bear the thought of feeling like this for years down the line ...

Wendihouse: one day soon, a lovely lady will be saying the same about my STB-XH. He is a wonderful man with so many great qualities and he deserves a full, married life and sex with someone who really desires him.

Sadly, that wasn't me. There's a long story behind this which I won't bore you with. In essence, I married my best friend - a man who pursued me relentlessly for two years and who I told many times that I didn't feel a spark for him and that we should just stay friends. After a drunken shag (which was pretty ok) we decided to get married.

All my friends used to tell me how lucky I was to have such a great DH. He cooked, cleaned, fantastic with DD, great provider / job and good looking too. It was all true. I just didn't fancy him and I couldn't switch it on.

We rarely had sex in the last few years of our marriage because I resisted sex as much as I thought I could get away with. I remember so many times being around couples who would talk about their sex life and how they "couldn't wait for the kids to go to bed" so they could "go at it". I would long to feel the way they did. And they would long to have a DH that cooked and cleaned the way mine did.

After 13 years and a wonderful DD, I had an affair and discovered that I'm not frigid (something I was accused of many times by STB-XH.). I discovered that sex is actually pretty damn wonderful and I finally found the man that is perfect for me.

Of course, it all unravelled quite quickly after that. I left my husband and I am now with my new partner and I cannot believe that a relationship can be so fulfilled and so happy. I can't believe that sex can be something that I want to initiate (every day!).

All I want now is for my XH to find the same happiness. We are good friends now and he understands exactly why the affair happened and why we split up. He's changed his life since since we split up in very positive ways and I look forward to hearing his news of having a new girlfriend one day.

My only regret is splitting up the family. However, XH will live around the corner from us very soon and we intend to share equal custody of our DD. There is of course, much more to this story that would explain so many things but it's too much to go into.

Married life is about much more than sex. I know that. However, being attracted to your partner and wanting to shag them is actually rather important. It makes up for all the annoying things they (and you) do.

With all the little resentments that build up over years in a marriage, sex and affection can bond you back together. If you don't have that physical connection, the small annoyances become gargantuan and sometimes, it becomes impossible to find your way back to togetherness, unity and a common purpose.

Sorry for the long post.

Good luck.

I may have missed something here OP, but have you and your H had an honest conversation about this?

Do you feel as though you've got no sex drive at all, or it's just that you're not sexually attracted to your H?

Similarly, you said downthread that he's got no sex drive either, but is that generally, or just towards you? Do you both masturbate, for example?

This seems like the most enormous elephant in the room between you and deserving of a conversation, since so much is at stake.

What would be your perfect scenario, with your H?

Excellent post vagabond, so many echoes of my own situation.
Its good to hear a positive story.
Just been reading thread about people still traumatised by parents divorcing years later, more guilt!

I fantasise about my dh meeting someone else, being happy with someone who appreciates him. He loves shopping, cooking and is very handy round the house. I've joked about renting him out!
I am his first love and I know he adores me but it actually feels quite suffocating and a big responsibilty being this woman he's put on a pedastal. I probably sound very ungrateful.
One of my friends told me, "Your plate is very full!"

Vagabond thanks for your post. Would love to be in a situation like yours now, though I'd like it better if it were DH who had the affair and then wanted to move on, so I wouldn't have to feel guilty. I just can't imagine it all working out like that, though. I think DH is too loyal to consider looking around, and the fact that we have 3 DCs makes it more complicated than one...

got to go, more later

I don't want to hijack this thread but I'd like to expand just a little bit - bearing in mind what midlifemalaise just said about being traumatised by parents divorcing.

My X is very like his mother. My "lightbulb" moment came about 5 years ago when X's parents were visiting us from far away/abroad. I had a very long and frank chat with X's father one night during which time he acknowledged his wife's coldness and the fact that she never once cuddled her son (my X) in his youth. My X loved sex but was awkward with affection, spontaneous hugs and cuddling up on the sofa - all the things that I love.

To make a long story short, X's father (military - very taciturn- very closed) told me that his wife ( X's mother) had not kissed or hugged him in over 20 years. That he had never once had a spontaneous kiss or cuddle from her in all their marriage. That he regretted staying with her for all his life and that now it was too late. He was 78 at the time and he was so regretful, so sad and so lost and lonely for his lost life. I knew at that moment that he was sort of 'warning' me about the marriage that I had with his son. He just knew. We had that moment and it was never mentioned again since.

Don't be that person. Change your life. You are not doing your husband any favours if you are gritting your teeth every time you have sex you don't want, every time you get a cuddle (which you do want) but which you're scared might lead to the sex you really don't want to have. It's an awful place to be in and you mustn't feel like you're bargaining: ie: have sex in return for a safe and secure marriage/family. You deserve more and so does your husband.

Lastly, I think it's questionable to suggest counselling for not wanting to have sex with a man you simply don't fancy. You can't deny your mojo and you can't lie to yourself forever.

I know what a painful and awful place it is to be in. I'm just so glad that I'm not there anymore.

Good luck, mojo-seekers!

Vagabond, I really appreciate all your very sound advice. And I hear what you're saying about your X's parents. I look at my own parents' marriage, which is not great - there is respect, and love I'm sure, underneath it all, but so much coldness and resentment and bitterness. I can remember far back enough to know that it wasn't always like that, they did used to be happy and close. It's a real warning for me. I would hate to lose the friendship I have with my DH, and I'm worried that if we carry on as we are, it will eventually erode and we'll be left with nothing, bar the knowledge that we 'did the right thing' for the children. But how to cut free? And how do you ever know what is the right thing, when is the right time? Your split was prompted by your meeting someone else, and it's lovely that you've found someone who makes you feel happy in all ways, but there's such a massive element of chance involved ... my brother split up with his wife, having met someone new, two years ago, and already the cracks are beginning to show, not to mention how much it's upset my parents. Am I sure enough/sad enough to put them through another divorce in the family? Also, on a lighter note, as I've said, with 3 DCs, I don't suppose there's be much of a queue for me!

I'm going to be without my laptop for a couple of days now - DH needs it for work - so I'm now going to make sure I've cleared all history..

thanks everyone for all your posts, I have a lot to think about. thanks especially vagabond and midlifemalaise for the long posts, and midlife, I hope you're okay, stay strong and try not to let your DH guilt you into doing stuff you really don't want to do, you deserve much more than that.

Midlifemalaise, would you object to your DH having an outside relationship, just for friendship and sex?

Although I'll be flamed I know it works for some people who want to keep their marriage intact but one or both of them need something sexual they cannot get within the marriage. Suggest you have a look at the "Loving Links" site - browse the forum - there are all sorts of very nice people on there who seem to have found this to be the answer.

I think if someone is minded to go down ths route ( and I am not, personally, but have a close friend who found happiness this way) meeting someone who is some distance away, knows the rules and is mature and sensible is the fairest way to go.

oh Higgle you will have Malificence after you posting ideas like that!!!!

I'm not suggesting doing it in secret or telling lies.

Actually, I have said this on numerous occaisons!
And I think it has crossed his mind because he said to me, "but what if the sex turned into something more, then you'd want me to leave."
So it isn't out of the realms of possibility.

He did also say in the past he could understand better if I told him there was someone else, at least then there would be a reason I didn't want sex with him. (The possibility that he isn't sexually attractive doesn't seem to have crossed his mind!)

It all seems to have gone downhill since he started working at home full time, and I'm at home full time with my own business and home educating.
I can't have private conversations or have any time to myself.
He wants to know where I am and when I'm going to be home all the time.
I feel totally suffocated and trapped.
He sits in his dressing gown and pants til lunch time at his computer working.
He thinks he's irresistable!!

Midlifemalaise, I know exactly how you feel. My X used to buy me the most awful lingerie from Fredericks of Hollywood - red, lace crotchless panties and nipple-less bras. They were so tawdry! I hated those cliched and ridiculous items almost as much as I hated the fact that he bought them for me.

I should have left my marriage long before my affair happened but I was too scared and chickenshit to leave.

When my affair was discovered, the decision to leave was forced on me. I was amazed by how I was able to to do it when I had to. I had no choice. It wasn't easy and it involved an international move (we had been expats since we married and both from separate countries) but I asked for help from family and I got it. It took me a few months to find my own feet (and my own place to live) but I'm finally there and I wouldn't change the outcome for anything. I'm now back in England where I belong and I've been here alone with my DD since then. It's been 7 months now and we're thriving.

I have to stress that I regret the fact that it was an affair and my new partner that gave me the courage and support to leave - I wish I'd had the guts to do it on my own. I question my own morality all the time and sometimes I have to draw a breath when I realise what I've done. I wish I'd done it on my own. I don't regret my new partner though. We've been apart (aside from short visits) since everything exploded in our faces last July and he will finally come to live with us next week and I cannot wait. My mojo awaits!

Lastly, even if things don't work out with my new partner, I don't regret leaving.

And seriously lastly, Midlifemalaise, if you give your DH permission to go off and shag all he wants, YOU won't be happy. You've already found what passion and great sex is like with the OM. You know you've got it in you - you just don't have it with your DH. Are you going to waste your life, biding your time and waiting for the kids to grow up. What kind of life is that for YOU!?

Give yourself credit and don't be a coward like me.

Best wishes. x

watching thread with interest :-(

MLM: I suggest you drop the idea that your H is a good man if he is pressuring you into sex by banging about the house, sulking and threatening to make you homeless.
It's one thing sitting down with a partner who doesn't want sex and explaining that you really don't want to live in a sexless marriage and agreeing to part, it's quite different if he's using threats and pressure to force you into letting him have sex on your body (sex which hurts, as you have said).

This all sounds very familiar to me and goes round and round in my head. I have wondered if I broke my marriage up and found someone new whether the same thing would arise, the lust leaving after 5 years..and then regretting leaving hubby just for a buzz and a rush. My hubby is a fantastic man too and not bad for his mileage.

AQL: Some people simply do not have much of a libido.
It's worth a good discussion with your H to find out if either of you genuinely misses sex, or if you are both just uneasy because you are so often told that a relationship without sex is a Bad Thing. If you are both feeling that you could perfectly happily never bother again then there is no need to force yourselves to go through couple therapy or expensive 'romantic' minibreaks when you don't want to.
Low libido is only a problem when you are in a relationship with someone who has a higher libido.

I do know of a couple who both agreed to be celibate in their marriage and it works fine for them.
Going back to your very first post AQL when you were stunned that so many still fancied their dh, I too have been surprised that virtually all my friends who I've asked, do still indeed after many years fancy their dh/dp.
The only person who doesn't is now going through a divorce.
My SIL once said quite openly she couldn't stay with my BIL if she no longer fancied him.

If lust and passion was there at the beginning I can understand how councelling can work, because you can dig into your past and try and find the memories, recreate what was once there.
But if it was never there......

I dont think lust has to 'go' eventually in a long term relationship. I have been with my dp 18 yrs and i still fancy him. He still fancies me or so he tells me! Actually the way that he behaves demonstrates that he does.

OP i feel sad that you do not fancy your dp, but apart from the hairy back, what else is unattractive. Did you ever actually find him physically attractive, or was it just his personality that was attrcative? Im just thinking that maybe you just found him to be an nice man, but now after all this time, you are relaising that actually, he is a bit of a turn off sexually.

Batman I have sympathy for your situation, but cheating on your wife (with prostitutes??)is not demonsrating much respect. If you love her so much then get your issues out in the open.

Being with someone in an almost platonic relationship is fine, if you both want that. If one of you does still want sex then I think it is only fair the let the other one know what your plans will be if you dont get it i.e. from someone else