I am hurting very much. I need a 'talking to'

[Scorps]

Small background: H left me in December 2009 when i was 37 weeks pg with dc4. I have since been alone, managing dc well, and have big network of support, fabulous parents (live in France now though) and lots of great friends.

I have been quite independant, finding myself. Anyway, have discovered this weekend he is starting to date someone. This is the first time since we've been apart. I live in a very small town and i'm aware of who she is. She is friends with my best friend, and works with another close friend.

It hurts. It also hurts he is telling me he loves me still, touching someone else would turn his stomach, he doesn't know what he's doing really but doesn't want to sit alone every weeknight in his flat.

I thought i was fine, i have felt ready to date but haven't yet. It's really hit me, I don't know what to do. I recognise i can't be with him, I'm not jealous of her, I'm settled here and in my life in general. I miss male company and sex tbh, but that's the only things i don't have.

He is a very good father and i know they won't be affected by this. Therefore it doesn't affect my life, but it hurts. I think about him fancying her more than me, i don't know why, it's pathetic.

I guess i need to get this out, talk about it, find ways to manage it until i'm normal again.

he is telling me he loves me still ???

out of pity?

then more reasons to get on with your life

I questioned this, as i don't feel 'in love' with him. He said he does, but he has no choice than to move on. I told him it's probably a guilt thing; he says no, he feels like he should be at home.

I think it's unfair of him to land all this on me in one day. How can he feel for her then?

Why did you split up in the first place?

Do you think he wants to come back and is a poor communicator, and is hoping that you would get jeaous and take him back?

Of course it hurts. And he shouldn't be telling you all this bloody detail! Fine to let you know he's dating, not fine to talk about stomach churning or whatever! Tell him you don't need to know that - of course it's not fair to dump that on you.

He does feel for her! He would be with you if he wanted to be! Nothing would stop him from trying everything. He is feeling guilty as he always intended on being a married man at home with his wife and children. he is still coming to terms with his life not working out that way. he is also IMO uinsure of the new woman and if it doesn't work out guaranteed he will want to come back to you....

Are you prepared to let him?

Basically, he cheated on me several times through our marriage, and the last time was during my last pregnancy. I tried hard to forgive but i knew that was how my marriage would be. We were together 7.5 years (I'm 26).

I know it's unfair, it hurts, no i don't think he wants to come home, i think he's mourning. It doesn't help when he says things like he wishes he didn't leave, thinks he should be at home cooking roast dinner for us like before....all that kind of stuff. Normally i tell him, look it'll be fine one day.

But now this. I literally don't knwo what to do with myself :(

no, i recognise that i cannot be with him, im clear on that. But it doesn't mean i'm over him, if that makes sense.

Hmm, I wonder if the girl he's dating knows that touching her turns his stomach, or that she's "just something to do on weekends"? Somehow I doubt it. That could be, of course, because it isn't true. If there is any grain of truth in it, though, it is more likely that what he is feeling is not revulsion but a little bit of guilt, and so he jolly well should. He dumped his wife and four young children just so he could, er, sit alone in his flat?

He doesn't fancy her more than you, I'm quite sure. Both of you come a dim and distant second to himself.

He was crying as he told me yesterday. He said it's like he has to force himself to be with someone else to get it out of the way, to make himself move on. But of course there will be more to it than that; he is very attention seeking as a result of childhood.

I don't really care about his why's, i care about me, my feelings, how to move on past this. i have no intention of talking to him about it anymore as i want them to have space from me iyswim, im not going to make his life hard. She has been asking my friends things about me.

I know this own't help but you are very young and to have 4 kids by age 26 is some going! You have many years ahead of you and you will find someone who treats you well- he doesn't.

I guess you are now having to face up to another milestone of what being apart means. It means he will go out with other women.

All you can do is remind yourself of the bad times and why you split.

He doesn't sound like much of a catch TBH.

Sounds like he wants you in the deep freeze ready to whip out if other women don't work out. Which makes him a knob of the highest order IMO.

You deserve better. Stop talking to him about his love life. If he initiates the conversation, tell him it is an inappropriate discussion, and your private lives are not each other's concern anymore.

Honey, this is all bullshit. this is just to make sure YOU don't move on.

He cheated on you again and again. He left you days before you were to give birth, and now a year on is 'dating' a close friend of YOUR best friend? How miniscule IS this town, could he have not gone for someone you DON'T know?

Agree with the wise Annie, he is filling your head with lies and I'll bet he's doing the same to her...

Remember what he did to you and hang onto it. He is now actively trying to prevent you moving on, AND rubbing your nose in it.

What a SAD, little man.

Yes Camomile, that's it - this is the last hurdle now.

I'm also jealous that someone else is interested in him when he's the 'bad' party - why haven't i got anyone? iyswim

Agree with yeahbut, he's warming you up as another Port of Call and will cheat on his new P with you if you give him the green light.

Stop discussing personal life with him, it's not his business.

I have told him our lives are our own; so he talks about it or texts me or facebooks me. He needs to have my number for the dc.

Seriously; i live in very W. Cornwall and everyone knows everyone, or someone who does.

Plenty of time Scorps, plenty of time, don't worry.

You need to detach and close the book on him first.

He talked about sex with me yesterday.

I just want to know what i'm supposed to do, how i'm going to cope now, oh god i don't know! Am hoping this is a reaction that will pass soon. I had seriously just got my shit together; booked driving and dance lessons, i even spoke to a man in the pub .

Stop encouraging him then... you are talking to him too!!!
Cold turkey

Yes, that's what i normally do, and when he texts me i either don't answer or just say it will be ok. Yesterday was a slip up on both our parts i think. I don't intend on talking to him anymore about it.

I'm so afraid that this will send me back to that dark place where i struggle again :( i'm really hoping its just a day or two thing as i was mostly fine before.

I'm not overly concerned about him; i care what happens to me iyswim, and i don't want to hurt again.

Erm, get him OFF your FB or super limited access, texts about DC only and keep it as separate as possible.

Perhaps he knows you are beginning to get your shit together, and is sabotaging it.

be strong. Keep going.

I think Iwould deff stop this heart to heart with him

he was crying...

yeah

make seeing him more business like
handober kids
don't get involved with chats

you have live ahead of you - plan that :)

You've come a long, long way, Scorps. You've coped brilliantly with a difficult situation. Friends and family have helped you because you deserve it; because people like you. Clearly your XH can't cope with this fact. Just when the wound was nearly better, he had to poke it again. This makes him a Grade A bastard. Given that, as you say, everybody knows everybody in your area, that suggests this woman knows you or at least about you, too, but she's still willing to date the aforementioned GAB. (I think that should be a new MN acronym!) So either she's totally self-deluding or she isn't very nice herself. Maybe they deserve each other.

Feeling bad at this revelation (which, note, he made in a way that was guaranteed to make you feel bad) is perfectly natural, but you're stronger than you were last year and you are going to get over it easier than you did before. Promise.

This is what this man is telling you: he wants full domestic service to resume plus your acceptance of him having sex with other people. That's what the crying's about - he wants his home comforts without having to sacrifice any of his whims or 'needs'.
Unless you feel that you would be happy with an open relationship, don't even consider 'trying again' with him.
Though do bear in mind that an open relationship means you get to have sex with other people as well. And TBH with men as selfish as this one sounds, open relatinships don't work, because men like him have to find a way to have the upper hand, which is likely to mean constant pushing at the boundaries you originally agreed, and sabotaging anything you do that is for your benefit.

You'd not even speak to this clown if it wasn't for the DC. So don't chit chat with him, he's not a friend.

Friends don't do that to friends. He's supposed to be MORE than a friend, and he is coming up woefully short on both these fronts.

Rise above it/him, and get on with your life, it'll be a million times better without him in it.