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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I am hurting very much. I need a 'talking to'

76 replies

Scorps · 17/01/2011 09:07

Small background: H left me in December 2009 when i was 37 weeks pg with dc4. I have since been alone, managing dc well, and have big network of support, fabulous parents (live in France now though) and lots of great friends.

I have been quite independant, finding myself. Anyway, have discovered this weekend he is starting to date someone. This is the first time since we've been apart. I live in a very small town and i'm aware of who she is. She is friends with my best friend, and works with another close friend.

It hurts. It also hurts he is telling me he loves me still, touching someone else would turn his stomach, he doesn't know what he's doing really but doesn't want to sit alone every weeknight in his flat.

I thought i was fine, i have felt ready to date but haven't yet. It's really hit me, I don't know what to do. I recognise i can't be with him, I'm not jealous of her, I'm settled here and in my life in general. I miss male company and sex tbh, but that's the only things i don't have.

He is a very good father and i know they won't be affected by this. Therefore it doesn't affect my life, but it hurts. I think about him fancying her more than me, i don't know why, it's pathetic.

I guess i need to get this out, talk about it, find ways to manage it until i'm normal again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 17/01/2011 11:47

And i hate the fact she's talking about me, seeking something about me - if she's insecure that's her issue and not mine. She seems to practically run away whenever we see each other - i don't know why, I'm the last person to have a fight about a man, i wish to keep my dignity.

I know that she doesn't even like children very much. I know she's a liar. Great start!

OP posts:
smellycatsmellycat · 17/01/2011 11:52

Oh god you need to just stay out of both of their ways completely then. They sound like they might be a great pairing!!

You've answered your own question - he hasn't picked her cos she's prettier, he's picked her cos she was THERE and she was WILLING. This is not a reflection on you at all. It would have been someone else if it hadn't been her, and it would have been difficult for you either way. You must just disregard everything he has said to you about how he feels about you as a last ditch attempt to make himself feel better.

Don't let those mental images creep in too often - if they do, imagine them both dressed in their grandparents clothing or something, try to break it up in your mind.

AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 11:59

This is the last hurdle isn't it scorps ?

Am surprised it has taken so long, but glad that is has because you are in a much stronger place than, say, 6 months ago

You have had a shock, and are reacting accordingly. When you have taken this development in properly, you will find your centre again

You knew it was inevitable he would find someone else, it doesn't matter who it is

I had to giggle at "he has to force himself to touch her". He didn't have a problem with touching other women when you were together...so file that comment away as his habitual bullshit he can't help spewing out of his mouth

You will be ok, love

You are beautiful inside and out

You are slowly opening up your life, and someone will come along who appreciates your true qualities. I know you can't imagine it, but it will happen, and the longer it takes, the sweeter it will taste x

Strictly · 17/01/2011 12:13

I've just had a wee look at your profile. You are 25 and have 4 children! That is a lot on any one persons plate. You don't need the hassle of dealing with you ExH tbh.

It does sound like he doesn't want you to move on.

Original poster
Scorps · 17/01/2011 12:30

AF - Hi :) Yes i'm pleased its now and not back then, that would have floored me. Yes i did actually tell him he didn't find it a problem when i was his pregnant wife so it should be easier now.

I really hope i do find what i want, when I'm ready.

It just is what it is now, i guess, the last thing to heal from and now he no longer has the capacity to hurt me anymore.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2011 12:33

yes

it is what it is

this too shall pass

and all those other cliches Smile

you will be ok, if you re-detach yourself

you did it before, you can do it again

no more "friendly" chats because they are not helpful to you

you need to only do what is helpful, not harmful, to you

his feelings and his problems are irrelevant

DameShirleyKnot · 17/01/2011 12:35

Haven't read whole thread, but I remember your thread (was it really a year ago!?!) and how utterly pain ridden it all was.

It's horrible, this last thing when the person you love is loving someone else (not that I think he loves anyone other than his stupid arsehole self) but you are allowed to feel sad about it. I'd advise you to just go with the feelings, have a cry when you want and then get on with something else.

You'll be surprised at how soon you will move on from this part too. Oh and GOD what a dick he is with his weak attempts at keeping you on the hook. The cock.

Original poster
Scorps · 17/01/2011 12:37

I really wish i said the C word, I feel like I'd like to say it Grin

AF - yes, i know, i will re-detach, but its the pain of doing that all over again iyswim, like i let it all out yesterday and i really should not have.

Dame - yes, a year ago now :). I don't feel in love with him, but i don't hate him either. And yes, he is a cock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 17/01/2011 12:43

And i also wish i wasn't the 'feeling' person i am, i wish i didn't want to keep my dignity and go ranting and screaming at them, but thats just embarrassing and useless. I wish i wasn't always a 'good' person with morals.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 17/01/2011 13:48

Have had a RL friend's help - the one who was at dc4 birth.

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 17/01/2011 15:17

Scorps: you are a strong person with dignity that's why you're not going to scream at this loser and the silly cow he's taken up with. Because he is a total loser, and he's going to end up a lonely old man, sat in the corner of a pub with a lot of other bitter failures, farting forlornly, staring into the last inch of the only pint they can afford, muttering about how women are all bitches and they will never understand what women want - when the truth is that their looks have gone and their dishonesty and self-pity has alienated everyone that once might have fallen for their charm.

MigratingCoconuts · 17/01/2011 16:04

Just read this thread and a serioulsy impressed with what you have done so far! Well done you.

several things struck me...he's with her because he hasn't run out of bullshit with her yet like he has with you...pity her, she's going to get hurt. It has nothing to do with who is nicer/fitter!

Keep going to the gym..that'll help release endorphins and make you happier. Same with eating. Don't let him beat you.

Keep going out with friends and learn who you are...you are lost in this shite relationship and amoungst all those lovely kids just now.

you want a bloke cos it would make you feel instantly better...but actually you need to heal first and dump the baggage. Then you'll find it is SO MUCH BETTER when you do find someone else!!! Smile

Finally, you'll have low times...but they will get fewer and less frequent. Just know them for what they are and that helps. I used to watch a romanic film, sob a bit to help get it out of my system.

There's no quick fix...just an end place of where you want to be. Just keep it in your mind and good luck. xx

Original poster
Scorps · 18/01/2011 12:18

Am feeling much better today. Have spoken to a friend who knows him, she was the one at dc4 HB, she says everything you all say too, which helps because she knows him iyswim.

I know it will go tits up eventually. It's up to him what he does, and up to me what i do. I'm very aware of not being with someone until i like them enough, not just because i am receiving flattering attention.

Have managed to eat a little today.

Also blocked him on FB and told him yesterday to leave me alone.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 18/01/2011 12:23

Well done Scorps. Your friends are brilliant.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 18/01/2011 12:35

Scorps - well done :)

He hasn't 'chosen' her - it has nothing to do with her being anything you aren't. He's spending time with her because he's an attention seeking twat.

As you said, he had no trouble 'forcing' himself to be with other women when you were married!! Bleating on about how hard it is now is just a lot of shit, designed to make you feel bad for not letting him come home, so he can have all the home comforts while fucking around!!

It's HARD, I know it is, to not have these conversations with him - he was your best friend for a long time as well as your DH it's normal to want to talk to him about stuff - but you can't let yourself anymore and you have to tell him you don't want to talk to him about his stuff anymore - it's only you that's getting hurt by it. I do understand that that isn't an easy stand to take x

One day you will meet someone fantastic! It's early days and you are young :) Spend a bit more time getting your own head sorted, getting emotionally separated from DH etc because until you do, a relationship would be a disaster anyway :) x

AnyFucker · 18/01/2011 18:30

Glad to hear it x

Original poster
Scorps · 19/01/2011 12:42

Better again today, i ate dinner yesterday and have eaten today. It's not bothering me that much - i know what he's doing with her, i know who he is iyswim.

I have things on my 'list' to do but am finding the confidence hard. I need to:

Book driving lessons
Ring Zumba lady
Ring Gym.

I also have a male friend who goes to the gym alot and said he'd not mind at all about showing me how it all works etc, but it almost feels wrong to meet up with a man iyswim.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2011 12:59

Erm, being shown how to use gym equipment is only "meeting up with a man" in the eyes of strange paranoid blokes like my XH. As you're single you could choose to shag him senseless with a clear conscience (it's good exercise), but it's unlikely to be an issue.

Driving is V useful skill with large numbers of growing children soon going to need ferrying around.

Original poster
Scorps · 19/01/2011 13:01

Yes, unlikely to be an issue Grin. Just someone who i kind of know, who knows the gym. Feels almost 'wrong'.

I really need to get the confidence to do these things, as otherwise life will stand still for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorps · 19/01/2011 13:04

oh and i almost forget... is wedding anniversary today. Or, Getting Lied to Day Grin

It doesn't hurt.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 19/01/2011 13:33

Excellent! May I suggest that hereinafter you designate it Freedom Day, and raise a glass (non-alcoholic if you're still bf of course) to your Available Status?

poshsinglemum · 19/01/2011 22:03

If he cheated on you then he will cheat on her. So he says he dosn't want to touch anyone else but is dating someone? He is a pathological liar and no great loss to you. I'd pity the poor women if I were you. Now she has to deal with his crap.

Original poster
Scorps · 20/01/2011 13:58

Right.

Zumba tomorrow - sorted. Got nice trainers today :)

Boxing & babysitter for it - sorted.

Just driving lessons to go.....eek.

Feeling about 85% at the mo which is good enough for me.

OP posts:
realrabbit · 20/01/2011 16:17

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AnyFucker · 20/01/2011 18:22

85% is good enough

For now..