I am hurting very much. I need a 'talking to'

[Scorps]

Small background: H left me in December 2009 when i was 37 weeks pg with dc4. I have since been alone, managing dc well, and have big network of support, fabulous parents (live in France now though) and lots of great friends.

I have been quite independant, finding myself. Anyway, have discovered this weekend he is starting to date someone. This is the first time since we've been apart. I live in a very small town and i'm aware of who she is. She is friends with my best friend, and works with another close friend.

It hurts. It also hurts he is telling me he loves me still, touching someone else would turn his stomach, he doesn't know what he's doing really but doesn't want to sit alone every weeknight in his flat.

I thought i was fine, i have felt ready to date but haven't yet. It's really hit me, I don't know what to do. I recognise i can't be with him, I'm not jealous of her, I'm settled here and in my life in general. I miss male company and sex tbh, but that's the only things i don't have.

He is a very good father and i know they won't be affected by this. Therefore it doesn't affect my life, but it hurts. I think about him fancying her more than me, i don't know why, it's pathetic.

I guess i need to get this out, talk about it, find ways to manage it until i'm normal again.

SGB - No, i do not want to be with him, i have moved past that feeling now.

I was at the point of feeling confidence in myself and my life - new things to learn, going out with friends, etc. Now i feel that i'm just horrid, ugly, and will be alone forever. I'm hoping this is just a shock reaction and will be ok in a day or so.

I do have very low self esteem but have been slowly building it up through positive things - friends, family, little outings, new hairstyle etc.

Yes, and this is exactly why he has come back and done this to you.

He is trying to derail your recovery.

He has NO RIGHT TO DO THIS!

Get ANGRY!

littlemisshissyfit - is right imo!

posting here scorps is an excellent sign - proud of you for that too x

I di tell him it was very selfish to tell me because do i not have enough to deal with...but there have been rumours about her and him and i was told so i would know the truth and not rumours. I saw her out on Saturday night; she practically ran away from me, and i just knew. He told me Sunday morning.

I just don't understand - why 'like' someone else, but be like this with me?! I wish i was a bit more juvenile, i would tell her, but im not and it won't last very long anyway IMO.

Sounds as though he is trying to keep you hanging on for him and make you jealous, so that you don't move on and find your own happiness. Suits him to have what he imagines to be a grateful wife lurking in the background when things don't work out with current squeeze. This only works if you are prepared to wait in the background for crumbs of attention from him- and it sounds as though you are not, you come across as an independent woman who has life sorted. He, however, can't bear the notion that you are managing just fine without him, so is trying to draw you back in. He wants the freedom to move on, but is not willing to allow you the same opportunity.

'He doesn't want to sit alone in a flat every evening'- well, he should have thought of that before he cheated on you and his children. I think you'll find that what he actually doesn't want is having to do his own cooking, washing cleaning; he doesn't like the fact that sex isn't on tap. Trouble is he didn't dislike all that enough to keep his pants on.

OW is not more fanciable than you. She's available and new, and either naive about the extent of his philandering or hard-faced enough not to care. No reason for you to be jealous, when you have your lovely children, your family and friends, your independence and your dignity.

Inertia - the fist paragraph of your post made me remember some things he has said - he's sad and sorry i don't still love him, I seem so much more together than him and he's jealous etc.

I am not jealous of OW - there is nothing to be jealous of IMO. I'm jealous that i don't have a BF, really. I feel like i never will have one.

Scorps, I think he is the sort of man that will always spin a yarn and needs to have many women on the go at one time. He is probably telling the new woman how much he adores her, when telling you she makes him feel sick. I don't want to hurt you here, this may help you to get angry at him and stop him hurting you, he probably told the ow he cheated on you with the same sort of stuff about you that he is telling you about his new woman, to them to get them to sleep with him and cheat on you. He sounds very manipulative with the tears etc. I think others are right that he wants you in the deep freeze and is trying to sabotage your recovery.

I would get dressed right up and get all quiet when around him, stop him from viewing your friend list, tagged photo's and wall on facebook, leave yourself as a mystery and looking good and not needing him. Keep him at arms length and on good terms to co parent with and leave it at that for now.

Are your friends loyal to you when it comes to the new woman asking questions? Anyone that has links with her, be carefull what you tell them, they may be tempted to do things with the power they now have.

I know that he hasn't told her the truth about our marriage break-up - she thinks he left because i was too controlling. She is unaware AFAIK that he cheated on me countless times.

My friends are very loyal indeed. One said she wasn't going to talk about me, and the other offered her my phone number to ask me herself. She declined.

I know H so well, and i know what he's doing, but it still hurts.

Sorry to hear this. Its horrible and it does hurt. I don't think there is any magic bullet, just lots of tedious time.

But you can do things to not make it worse, as you have already been advised. I deleted my ex from my facebook account - we have to co parent but that doesn't mean I have to read about his exciting socialising with his new girlfriend. I know you can just hide a profile, but I suspect I would have been often having a sneaky look and just upsetting myself all the more.

Detach as much as you can.

Even if you don't love someone any more and know you are better off without them, it still hurts to think of them moving on and being with someone else. I wish I knew why that was, it is a total waste of emotion but I think it is very common sadly.

Scorps- that says it all really. He's sorry for himself. He's not sorry that he's hurt you, he's not sorry for hurting your children. He's jealous, not because of his love for you, but because he doesn't control you anymore. He wanted to be the one calling the shots here, but didn't reckon on your strength, so now he's trying to wheedle his way back in.

Like you said, you don't want him, but you do want someone, which is completely understandable. And I bet that your ex realises that you are ready to move on, that there are other men out there who find you attractive, that you have the confidence to talk to other men again, and now he's trying to make you doubt yourself. Don't let him control your feelings :)

You are doing really well.

I think the reason that you don't have a boyfriend yet is because you are far too busy with your four children!! And he presumably has far more time to go off meeting people!

So please please don't think that's a reflection on you - you are still in a much better place than he is and he knows this and is being very childish in hurting you with details of his private life. You need to tell him it's hurting you and stop being his confidant because it's making you feel shit and if he really cares about your feelings he would be prepared to stop telling you that stuff. (Although I suspect he cares more about you making him feel better about the horrid things he did to you which is wildly unfair)

It will all happen in good time - the best way to meet people is through common interests and hobbies and stuff and you'll get to a point where you can do that, through your dancing for example. But it all takes time and it's better to have nobody than to have 'someone' for the sake of having someone which is what he's doing. So whilst I understand your envy - you are STILL better off than him.

And, being independent and sorted on your own makes you a much better and more attractive partner and means you will attract a much better calibre of people!!

I just feel like i've been so strong, and i let my guard down yesterday badly, and now it's the down from opening up to him, that i have to cut off again and it's so fucking exhausting. I do manage cold turkey very well though, i have outstanding willpower

He is sorry about what he's done, i know that. But i don't want his apologies and have told him so.

I just have to 'let' him carry on with this now, i know he's doing it because i'm detached from him, she has paid him attention and he is grabbing it - it's what our marriage counsellor said about him, that he's attention seeking all the time, searching for something there isn't.

Mum said to me yesterday to concentrate on what's going on in my life and not his. I do that well about 95% of the time, which is quite good? This has just thrown me, but i cannot and don't actually feel i want to stop it, it's just the next phase.

I am finding it difficult to meet men - I've never cheated and was devoted to H. I lost all my male friends through his behaviour, really. I worry about if I'm attractive, interesting...i don't know.

Yes I'm very aware of not being with someone for the sake of it. I'm starting at a new gym too :), i figured i have to push myself into the unknown and see what it brings. There is a quote isn't there, "The biggest risk is taking no risk at all".

You're absolutely right about just getting out there - use the opportunities that having such good family and friends supporting you brings - no doubt they would love to see you hook up with someone too.

I do think that what you are feeling is totally understandable and normal - it is hard to just 'not feel' shit about what he's doing and yes, it's exhausting when you are the one having to be on guard, working hard all the time to protect yourself, but it's WORTH EVERY BIT of energy you expend on it because you will come out the other end a more confident, attractive and admirable person for it. Keep doing what you are doing - I think you are amazing. I would be a wreck if all of that had happened to me.

P.S. I would imagine that you are very attractive!! You're not old, you have a brain and if you are even considering going to the gym you are a braver woman than me

hi scorps

you are doing brilliantly

stop the big talks with your exH and just stick to the issues involving the children. Feel sorry for the OW- sounds like he is going to mess her about too .

Gym and dance lessons sounds cool

x

Yes, i know the chats need to stop, i often nip them in the bud but felt very emotional yesterday.

I'm having trouble eating again. :(

You have to eat!!!

Would you have trouble eating if it were a MASSIVE piece of chocolate cake?

It's ok to feel down about this but you will have to give yourself a limit, e.g. I am allowed to mope about this for one more day, then that's enough and I will sort myself out.

What if you just chat incessant bollocks whenever he is around - this and that was on the news, the children this and that, don't let him get a word in edgeways and cheerfully close the door before he can even open his mouth??

I attend an eating disorder clinic once a month, i know i need to eat or they will get cross again. I put on weight last time and my body looks better now.

Yes will keep to dc talk, i don't really ask him in ever tbh.

I'm still struggling with how he feels he may like her if he's said all that to me?

And yes today is shit day but tomorrow is toddler group etc and i'm going to carry on as normal tomorrow.

We're here for you to hold your hand today if you need it!

I LOVE your friends though! LOL with the phone number!

Thanks. They are very good friends.

Oh I'm very sorry about my flippant chocolate cake comment then. So on top of all this you are dealing with an eating disorder too, wow, you are even more awesome than I originally thought. Well done for getting so far.

Well I think he's probably telling the truth in that what he really wants is to have another go at this blissful family life that he screwed up, but that he can't so he's going with her instead. You really didn't need to know that though. What about it is bothering you? The idea of him saying lovey dovey things to two women at the same time?

Sorry if that's a bit raw - it's not very nice I know.

No, i almost feel like it's a feeling of he's picked her, why, is she prettier/nicer/better? but i don't think she is. It's confusing. I think i'm imagining them touching each other too. I know he won't love her, he's not like that iyswim. I cannot put my finger on it. I think it's the last stage of moving on properly, and yes i know he cheated but i never knew until after, where as now i know before, or during, iyswim, and i have a face to put it to.

I know she has been pursueing him for a time now, i know what he's doing really, but it's still hard. He latches on to women who show him attention very quickly.

"I'm still struggling with how he feels he may like her if he's said all that to me?"

The short answer is, he's lying. He's very good at the crocodile tears. He realised you were going to find out he was seeing her, so he got his wailing and gnashing of teeth in first. You know he's a lying turd though, from long experience, so don't waste headspace trying to make it add up.