Are we doomed?

[Changing2011]

Hi Im sorry but this is going to be long.

I have been with DP for seven years and we have 1 young child. Ours was not an instant love, but things happened quickly in the beginning (moving in, baby etc). Since then things have stalled considerably, but my love for him has grown immensely (possibly due to all we have been through together). I really love him now, but I cant say I loved him in the beginning. He seems to love me more then, and less now.

When we met we had both recently finished LTR and to be fair, I think DP was more bothered than me about finding someone new. He seemed keen to get serious very quickly. I would have liked more of a courtship. But he seemed to hate being single/alone. He as very sweet but not big on the passion side. Sex has always been a little stilted, but we have grown into knowing one another and now, when we have sex we both love it. But I have always had a higher sex drive than him. He likes it a lot abut one week in the month (I swear men have monthly moods as well!) and not at all other times. I prefer more regular sex, but get annoyed when he wants it a lot all at once. He has said in the past it really turns him off if I ask for sex/making love so i dont do that now. It seems the female making any approach doesnt do anything for him and it makes me feel cheap so if he doesnt approach me, we dont do it.

What does annoy me is that he feels the need to grope me in sexual places as a form of affection (he never kisses and cuddles me) and he does this in a jokey way, but I think its a bit cheeky when we are a) not having much sex and b) he doesnt show me more romantic affection which I would dearly love. I do get a bit tetchy with the boob/bum grabbing I must say.

So, the sex is one issue. The main problem is that he uses sex/affection to punish me. I am a busy career mum and run a tight ship at home. He also works full time, but I do expect some help around the house every now and again. Admittedly because I find it quicker and more painless to do things myself, I tend to simmer resentfully and then blow up every so often about his lack of thought around the home (leaving dirty clothes on floor, not knowing the location of the dishwasher, coats in the bedroom, etc etc just general annoying stuff). When I do challenge him or make any sort of confrontation, he withholds affection and sex for up to a month. Basically until he gets blue balls then he jumps on me for about a week. I think this is a cruel way of dealing with everyday family arguments.

Another ploy he uses to put me down is to call me names in front of his family, he is quite the snob and likes to sneer at people he considers to be lower class than him, so calling me a chav or pikey is his favourite put down. Although my family are quite well off and I am very well educated. This makes me seethe and I am not averse to going ballistic when he does this. I am no wallflower, dont get me wrong but the constant sniping is making me feel looked down on.

I had an affair about three years ago (only slept together once) but it was a mutual friend and needless to say when he found out he was very hurt, but I realised I really did love him and he forgave me. Or so I thought. I think his behaviour detailed above is more of the same punishing style he has developed and my affair gave him fuel for his fire. But the reasons I looked for affection from another man are also detailed above! Our whole relationship I have felt a little lonely and like him having sex/giving me love is really a chore for him. I feel he is putting up with me to keep our family together (he is very good with our child, and child adores him). His parents have had a very long marriage etc.

The bottom line is I love this man to the bottom of my soul. I know I have wronged him and nearly lost him in the past but I know the relationship I desire is in there somewhere! But I need to regain his respect before he can truly love me I feel..... any advice or alternative perspectives? Please, no man-hating abuse style advice please, I am well aware what constitutes an abusive relationship and this is not one of those.

Reality - the red flag comment - what do you think this means in terms of his view of me/our relationship?

Haven't we had this thread before?

Honey, you have been HOOKED.

There are a ton of red flag incidents described in your OP, and the bottom line is that he has mashed you down to DEPEND on him.

He is eroding you with every put down, with every time he puts you on the sexual naughty step.

This IS abuse, it's just got in under your radar and now you think he's only putting up with you, you are internally panicking and clinging on. He knows he has you hooked, and he knows he can treat you worse and worse and you will let it happen because you have been conditioned.

I love loads of things about him. I think he is very handsome, a genuinely kind person, the sort of man everyone likes to be around. He is someone you can depend on and he never knowingly does a bad job of anything. He is not lazy, tight, mean or a gossip. He wants more for our family than what we have got and is always working hard to ensure we get it. When I think of home, I think of him.

LMHF I am PSML at the Sexual Naughty Step! Thats where I live!

The thing is, I know and he knows, I could do just as well on my own. I earn more money than him, I dont have family to fall back on so I am naturally more self-sufficient than him (his family is very tight together). I could support me and DD and he would share childcare equally if we split. So I dont think he wants me to NEED him in that way.

When you pull my words apart like that you are right Reality! Shocking when someone points it out. He is a lazy lover and partner agreed. Iwas talking about in his working life and as a person in his own right, he is always working hard etc. But yes, he is lazy with me.

Last night we had a night off (DD at grandparents for visit) so we went for a drink. We were chatting away about out next holiday when I mentioned that its coming up to our 7 year anniversary and ought we think about getting wed? Been engaged a long time. I was thinking a small affair, we are not in the first flush of romance or anything, but a small wedding sometime next year would be something to work towards, save our pennies etc. We both work better when we have goals to work towards.

He said we would talk about it after our holiday (which is already booked) and that we were saving for that at the moment. I responded with a comment that he is always so vague about things like that, and I think we will never end up getting anywhere because he is always so non-committal. It ended with us sitting in silence and both of us unhapy on what should have been a nice night off and quiet drink together, I went home and cried.

Why are you even thinking about marrying him if things are so bad at the moment? I mean that genuinely rather than in the blunt way that it probably comes across as!

WTF? don't marry him FGS! Not like this.

Glad you liked the sexual naughty step!

He's not a friend of yours, not at all. You are literally flogging a dead horse, and it'll destroy you.

You deserve someone that loves you, adores you and doesn't mistreat you or humiliate you in front of your friends.

He's done all this to you BECAUSE you earn more, are more self sufficient etc, he is doing this to break you, like a challenge.

In answer to your question. Yes, your relationship with this creature is DOOMED.

GEt rid of him however and YOUR future is bright, your DD even brighter.

Would you like her to be living this life when she is older? To think this is what love is, to settle for this?

Well Im thinking of marrying him because I love him! And I want us to work out. He is the father of my child, and I have worked too damn hard to walk away after the best years of my life! Im only 27!

I think there must be a way we can work it out, getting past the name calling and sexual stand offs and getting back to who we are, two young people trying our best in life.... surely there is hope for our relationship?

Id rather HE made me happy than get someone else. TBH no other man would match up to him in my eyes, or that of DD's.

It seems weird to type that out on a thread complaining about him but the thought of being with anyone else seems wrong.

Are you mad?

You ARE only 27, you have your entire life ahead of you. Why would you settle for someone who clearly thinks so little of You? You may be trying your best, but he's definitely not. You don't call people you even only like names like that, in front of people. You just don't.

This is not love. Far from it. This is domestic abuse and will only get worse.

He doesn't love you. You'll make the greatest mistake of YOUR life if you Don't demand more for yourself than this time waster.

So if he doesnt love me and only lives to put me down why hasnt he left? He could have any girl he pleases.

Part of me thinks he doesnt want to break things up for DD but another part of me thinks he does love me he just has a funny way of showing it.

Dear oh dear, do you reall think you've had the best years of your life when you're only 27? Think on that for a while.

Why would he leave? He has everything he wants right where he is. I doubt he could have any girl he pleases by the way, isn't it time you stopped putting him on some sort of pedestal?

I think you are both very passive-aggressive with one another and occasionally directly aggressive.

I think the basic problem with this relationship is that you are having a series of power struggles and that your individual reactions to feeling powerless, result in punitive measures.

I suspect this started from his belief that men should have the power in relationships. That men determined not just the quality of the sex, but when it happened. There is also a sense that he always thought he was superior to you. This sense of superiority and power led to his laziness with domestic chores and child-rearing.

Your response to his laziness and complacency was to effect a martyr complex and a belief that it was your responsibility to run a tight ship and keep everything under control, but instead of questioning that choice and refusing to put up with it, you simmer in silence (passive aggressive) and then explode (aggressive).

His means of punishing you were about withholding sex and affection (passive-aggressive) and calling you horrible names (aggressive).

Your affair was punitive but was the ultimate passive-aggressive act, because it was a means of expressing dissatisfaction in a covert manner.

Despite making an open choice to forgive you, he has continued to punish you in passive-aggressive and aggressive ways.

Your proposal of marriage is interesting on many levels. You raised the issue within the context of family budgets and your planned holiday and not with reference to your relationship and he has responded in identical terms, referencing the money and holiday issue and not the relationship. Instead of one of you breaking the deadlock and discussing the real elephant in the room (your relationship) you sat there in silence.

You are both playing games with one another.

I would say to you that a man with these deeply flawed beliefs about male superiority and who determines the sex in your relationship - and who thinks it's permissible to denigrate your background and use racist terms such as "pikey" - would need brainwashing and re-programming for years before becoming a fully functioning adult male.

Your behaviours and responses on the other hand, need unravelling but are perhaps not so complex or difficult to overcome, although I do think you need some help with them.

No Changing he does NOT love you enough. He probably loves the fact that he has all his services met cooking, cleaning, sex etc but when it comes to commitment and to sharing the rest of his life with you -he obviously doesn't seem to want that and does not see your relationship as long term.
It is obvious to quite a few of us on here that the fact you are only 27 is an advantage. You have plenrty of time to find real love from a partner who doesn't emotionally abuse you and humiliate you with name calling ib front of others. He does not respect you at all. As the mother of his DD you deserve better than this.
In the long term you would be much better without this man as your partner

In summary OP, the very last thing I would be doing is considering marrying this man. Leaving him and changing my own behaviour in relationships though? - absolutely.

He only has sex with you one week a month...just made me wonder (sorry) whether he is having an affair and that is the week the OW has her period. Men don't have monthly cycles, women do.

Aside from everything above, I would really worry about the snobbery. That is belittling you, your family and your friends.

I've seen that before and it is very toxic if left unchecked. It clearly bothers you and forces disloyalty for your family if you leave it unchallenged. Imagine what your kid will see growing up?

Stay with him if you wish but you must talk through all this with him.

You say you have 'too much invested' bollocks. 7 years? I have shoes for longer than that are still going strong and have not let me down.

You met him at 20 after Long Term Relationships.... how long is Long Term at age 20?

Both were on the rebound, he was keen NOT TO BE ON HIS OWN, you weren't even that fussed, but I suppose it was easier than being on your own.

So why has he not left? because he has someone to cook and clean for him, someone to shag and a roof over his head.

He has no respect for you, or for your DD. No REAL man would call his wife a CHAV or a Pikey.

This is how it starts, he has you to boss about, to tell what to do, and now his new tactic is to break you by demeaning you in public so that YOU and HIS family start to believe it.

He clearly has issues about his own upbringing/education otherwise he wouldn't attack you on these particular fronts.

You've told him in no uncertain terms that you hate it, yet he continues.

He could have any girl he pleases? Erm, you are severely mistaken. Girls with self esteem and a strong sense of self worth would not look twice at him for calling you those names. I'll be willing to bet it's not just those 2 insults either. Bet he moans about all sorts of stuff doesn't he?

YOU could have any bloke YOU fancy, you daft Mare, you don't have to put up with this shit. You'd be happy for your daughter to be called a chav in front of her BF family would you? You'd go bloody mad, and you know it.

He doesn't want to get married, why should he? As my grandmother would say, you gave him the shop for nothing. His treatment as it stands is at best contempt. When he fails to get a rise out of calling you those names, others will take their place, and so on and so forth until perhaps a shove or worse.

So assuming your statement is correct up there part of me thinks he doesn't want to break up for DD sake OR part of me thinks he does love me but has a funny way of showing it

Neither part of that is good enough to put up with that dreadful treatment is it?

You asked ARE WE DOOMED? Without a doubt, Yes.

You asked, we answered.

You are doomed if he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong. If my DH called me names he would be gone. Love isn't enough when you have someone treating you like you are worse than them. It doesn't make up for the unwanted groping.