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Relationships

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Original poster

Could you be with someone who seemed to dislike your child?

102 replies

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 11:35

Hi I'm new here and a bit scared because I've never used a talk forum before but my friend told me this was a good place to get advice and i have a big problem playing on my mind that I can't really discuss with anyone because I feel too silly.

I?ve been with my partner just over a year now and to begin with things went unbelievably well, our kids already knew each other, and us, so there was none of the awkwardness of introducing someone new. Our boys are the same age(11) and generally get on well and it all seemed so perfect to begin with. Soon my partner was spending most nights here and moved in a few months later.

Obviously it was a big adjustment, I only have a 2bed home and my partner brought two sofas, two tvs and a cat with him that had to be somehow fitted in. His children spend 3 nights a week with us so his son shares with mine and his daughter is on a mattress in our room.

It?s just been my son and I for most of his life so he has found it quite hard sharing me with someone else and two other children and has also had problems accepting discipline/parenting from my partner.

MY PARTNER now seems to really dislike my son and is really hard on him. He seems to pick him up on every little thing and they row everyday. I know my son isn?t a saint and I know he can have a bad attitude and misbehave but he is 11 years old and I wish my partner wouldn?t yell at him so much.

MY PARTNER and I are now arguing most days as well, mainly because I don?t like his attitude towards my boy and because he thinks I spoil and indulge him too much. We also have other arguments usually about the house which end with him saying it?s not his house but mine and son?s and that he is going to move out.

I really love my partner, I never thought I?d be with anyone who made me as happy as he has. When we got together I felt like the luckiest girl in the world-even my dog biting him didn?t put him off! I also knew he was a fantastic dad to his children which as a mum was a big bonus. He made me feel so special and beautiful and can be the most loving and affectionate person there is. Recently he has been unable to work much due to the weather, ill health and car problems so I know that he is stressed and frustrated but he seems to have withdrawn from me quite a lot. When he is affectionate etc with me again it is so good and reminsd me how good we can be together and I am reluctant to give that up...He is great in other ways too, shares the cooking and cleaning, looks after my son when I have to work etc- a true partner and nothing like my last relationship.

But when I see him shouting at my son, or see my son crying because we are always arguing it breaks my heart and I wonder can I really stay with someone who seems to hate my child.

OP posts:

orangepoo · 14/01/2011 11:37

I don't think you can live with someone who makes your child feel bad. Your child is at an age where he will carry it for the rest of his life if this man treats him badly.

Why did he split from his children's mother - do you know what happened?

DameShirleyKnot · 14/01/2011 11:39

No, I couldn't be with someone who bullied my child.

BooBooGlass · 14/01/2011 11:40

No. And why on earth did you move in together so quickly??

BluddyMoFo · 14/01/2011 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameShirleyKnot · 14/01/2011 11:44

oh and "he thinks I spoil and indulge him too much"

Gross. I fucking absolutely HATE this. Who the FUCK is he to comment on your parenting?

Yet another post which proves that moving too quickly when children are involved is just plain shit.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2011 11:52

No is the short answer to your question posed in your header.

Presumably too it was his main idea to move in with you so quickly as well.

Your son is your priority, not this man. Stand up for your son as well, do you just stand there and say/do nothing when he shouts at your child?. What do you do in that situation?. You should stick up for your son if this man is behaving unreasonably and you need to realise as well that some men will never accept another man's child. Children can be difficult yes and test boundaries constantly but your man is an adult and should be acting like one.

orangepoo · 14/01/2011 11:52

You mentioned about how happy he had made you feel - the relationship is only a year old so I would suggest that a lot of this was the honeymoon period and excitement of a new relationship. If you have problems this serious with him threatening to move out after only 1 year, I would do it for him and kick him out.

FellatioNelson · 14/01/2011 11:53

No. Absolutely not, and you owe it to your child to NOT put him through this. However entitled you think you are to a love-life, whilst you are still bringing up children their needs and happiness must come before yours. If you really think you love this man then see him, by all means, on your own time, but don't inflict him on your son please.

Having said that, I'd find it very hard to love and respect a man who did this to my child. You come as a package. If he can't love/tolerate your child after a year then he is not in the right relationship and neither are you. If you persist with this situation you will damage your son's self esteem and his trust in you, and he will hold it against you for a very very long time.

FooffyShmoofer · 14/01/2011 11:56

No, no way.

mackereltaitai · 14/01/2011 11:56

I could have a relationship with someone who disliked my child, but I couldn't live with them, or have them anywhere near the child in question. It would have to be a completely separate thing in my life, and therefore it would be a rather detached relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/01/2011 11:56

It was all way too much and way too soon for you all to get together like this.

If your partner cannot hack it now and is threatening to leave then I would pack his bags for him. Your child needs to come first.

daretodream · 14/01/2011 11:57

Hullygully · 14/01/2011 11:59

nonononononononononononono

My mum did this (to my brothers). NoNo NO No No

coppertop · 14/01/2011 12:00

You admit he's horrible to your son but still leave them alone together??

You list all his so-called positive points in relation to yourself but none at all in relation to your son. What exactly is this child getting out of the relationship? Apart from being shouted at and treated badly.

hmc · 14/01/2011 12:01

No I couldn't - he needs to shape up or ship out

Eglu · 14/01/2011 12:04

No I couldn't. My Aunt married and moved to a foreign country with a man who would play my twin cousins off against each other. Like he would buy one sweets and not the other to cause arguments. I could never do that to my child. Your son is the most important thing.

FellatioNelson · 14/01/2011 12:04

OK, just read the OP more slowly, and whilst I stand by what I said, I do think you should really try to analyse whether or not you are being too indulgent and whether your son is maybe being a tad manipulative because he is jealous of the intrusion into his cosy world. I do think you were too hasty in moving this man in, and inflicting three other kids on your son when he has known nothing but a unit of two - a tough transition for any child.

Is your DH actually picking on him, and being emotionally cruel and abusive, or are you being a tad over-sensitive and defensive, beacuse you feel your parenting is being criticised?

Does he shout at your son for things that he would turn a blind eye to in his own children? Or does he just have more exacting standards than you? Either way, it's a bit of a mess and needs sorting sooner rather than later, as this could get very nasty as your son hits puberty, and you risk alientating him forever.

lazarusb · 14/01/2011 12:05

No. Your son is the most important person in your life. Value and treasure him. I'd ask him to leave. When I met my now dh, ds1 was 5 and I told dh right from the start that if it didn't work between them dh would be going. Yes, it would have hurt like hell but ds1 was the most important element in our relationship.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/01/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 14/01/2011 12:06

No.

He's not a partner - he's a boyfriend.

kepler10b · 14/01/2011 12:08

do you spoil and indulge your son too much?

Original poster

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 12:09

:( abuse? Bullying? Really didn't see it that way. Feel shit now.

I don't just stand by and do defend my son (or at least ask my partner to deal with him differently not by shouting when my son has been naughty). I think my partner blames my son for us fighting because him telling my son off always ends in us fighting too.

I have spoilt my son, and given in to him for an easy life a lot of the time, my partner isn't wrong when he says that and I've admitted as much to him.

He had been with his ex on and off since he was 16 (when she fell pregnant with their son). They had always argued a lot and split up several times but always got back together to be a family. They weren't getting on again and were talking of splitting up and then he met me...

We moved in so soon because it was all going so smoothly, he was staying with family as a temporary measure and as he was staying here most nights anyway it seemed stupid for him to go and rent elsewhere. At this point he and my son were getting on really well as well.

OP posts:

CinnabarRed · 14/01/2011 12:10

No.

Hand on heart, does he treat your son differently from his own children?

Miggsie · 14/01/2011 12:12

You need to discuss your attitudes to parenting together very seriously.

Your partner may have exacting standards and is applying htem, his kids know his standards and have been brought up with them so any conflict there must have happened a long time ago. Your son is used to your parenting style and also exclusive attention, right now your son is like a 2 year old whose mum has had a baby and he wants all your attention and won't like your new partner.

If your partner is treating you son badly and differnetly compared to his own then there is a problem, if he is treating your son the same but in a way your son is reacting against then it is a joint problem you have to sit down and solve.

Right now it sounds like a stand off and I wouldn't leave immediately as you may have sacrificed a potentially good relationship to an 11 year old boy's fit of pique.

You need to talk to your partner very seriously, and set parental rules and stick by them.

Then you need to talk to your son, together, about how things need to change as the family dynamic has changed, he won't like it, he's had a 1-1 parent, now he has to share, most kids would be pissed off by this and your son certainly is.

I also suggest you look on the step parenting board on this site to look at similar problems when families move in together.

StewieGriffinsMom · 14/01/2011 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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