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Relationships

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Original poster

Could you be with someone who seemed to dislike your child?

102 replies

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 11:35

Hi I'm new here and a bit scared because I've never used a talk forum before but my friend told me this was a good place to get advice and i have a big problem playing on my mind that I can't really discuss with anyone because I feel too silly.

I?ve been with my partner just over a year now and to begin with things went unbelievably well, our kids already knew each other, and us, so there was none of the awkwardness of introducing someone new. Our boys are the same age(11) and generally get on well and it all seemed so perfect to begin with. Soon my partner was spending most nights here and moved in a few months later.

Obviously it was a big adjustment, I only have a 2bed home and my partner brought two sofas, two tvs and a cat with him that had to be somehow fitted in. His children spend 3 nights a week with us so his son shares with mine and his daughter is on a mattress in our room.

It?s just been my son and I for most of his life so he has found it quite hard sharing me with someone else and two other children and has also had problems accepting discipline/parenting from my partner.

MY PARTNER now seems to really dislike my son and is really hard on him. He seems to pick him up on every little thing and they row everyday. I know my son isn?t a saint and I know he can have a bad attitude and misbehave but he is 11 years old and I wish my partner wouldn?t yell at him so much.

MY PARTNER and I are now arguing most days as well, mainly because I don?t like his attitude towards my boy and because he thinks I spoil and indulge him too much. We also have other arguments usually about the house which end with him saying it?s not his house but mine and son?s and that he is going to move out.

I really love my partner, I never thought I?d be with anyone who made me as happy as he has. When we got together I felt like the luckiest girl in the world-even my dog biting him didn?t put him off! I also knew he was a fantastic dad to his children which as a mum was a big bonus. He made me feel so special and beautiful and can be the most loving and affectionate person there is. Recently he has been unable to work much due to the weather, ill health and car problems so I know that he is stressed and frustrated but he seems to have withdrawn from me quite a lot. When he is affectionate etc with me again it is so good and reminsd me how good we can be together and I am reluctant to give that up...He is great in other ways too, shares the cooking and cleaning, looks after my son when I have to work etc- a true partner and nothing like my last relationship.

But when I see him shouting at my son, or see my son crying because we are always arguing it breaks my heart and I wonder can I really stay with someone who seems to hate my child.

OP posts:

8rubberduckies · 14/01/2011 12:12

Please reconsider your relationship with this man. I shared my home with a man who didn't want me around and bullied me from the age of 5 to 13. It has had a massive impact on the quality of my adult relationships, and I struggled with PTSD, depression and anxiety from aged 15-30 (they still rear their heads occasionally now and I think they will for the rest of my life).

CinnabarRed · 14/01/2011 12:13

Would things be any better if you found a bigger house? It sounds hellishly overcrowded for significant chunks of the week. The accommodation situation can't help.

ricketyrock · 14/01/2011 12:15

I understand how it feels to finally find someone who you feel loved by. Sounds like he is great in many ways. And that you aren't going to just walk away from that.

But this is a serious issue that is making you question the future of your relationship.

Of course your son is the the most important thing in your life but you can't just walk away from a relationship just like that. I don't think this sort of thing is insurmountable but it does need to be addressed.

Do you think you could talk about it in a way that is away from the heat of the moment? So tell him that you are questioning the future of the relationship because of it. DO you think he realises you feel this strongly?

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/01/2011 12:16

What would happen if you agree with your DP that you are responsible for disciplining your DS?

Do you agree with the things your DP picks him up on? Or is it just the way he does it.

I'm not very knowledgeable about this but I would have thought ground-rules should have been established from the off about who is going to do the disciplining in this sort of set-up, and presumably, early on, that should be you.

I you really feel your DP does not like your son, then it can't be tenable, can it? Your son is a child

Original poster

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 12:16

And he and my son do still get on well together a lot of the time, but my son can be demanding and hard work and does tantrum if things don't go his way. In the past I have given in to him which hasn't helped his behaviour really. my partner is a lot stricter (with his kids too) and tries to help me be stricter- my son rebels against this because he isn't used to it.

I think my partner is right in many ways but wish he would be a bit more flexible sometimes. My son isn't going to become better behaved overnight and he does deliberately provoke my partner by saying things like "you can't tell me what to do" or by telling him to eff off.

But my partner is an adult and shouldn't rise to it and yell at my son so much, and he really seems to dislike him now,not just get annoyed by him.

OP posts:

JamieLeeCurtis · 14/01/2011 12:19

Well it sounds to me that you are saying maybe you would like to change the way you parent him. In which case, it should come from you

CinnabarRed · 14/01/2011 12:19

Your most recent post makes it sound like the issue is more around your son that your partner. Is that fair?

What conversations have you had with your partner about this issue so far?

Sossiges · 14/01/2011 12:20

If it's like this after one year, what's it going to be like five years from now? I don't think you should be inflicting this on your son, it's not fair on him.

Original poster

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 12:22

We really can't afford a bigger house at the moment, my partner has hardly been able to work recently.

Also I'm reluctant to make the move with him with our relationship as it stands, the overcrowding doesn't help but moving wouldn't resolve all our problems.

OP posts:

Original poster

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 12:27

The issue is with both of them.

I think I should give in to my son less, and think my son should respect my partner more.

However I really don't like the way my partner deals with it and wish he wouldn't yell and row with my son so much. I also feel like because he has a problem with my son he is extra picky about his behaviour and escalates every little thing into cause for a row. And he does seem to get angrier when my son cheeks him than when his own kids do

OP posts:

FellatioNelson · 14/01/2011 12:29

If he has been unable to work recently perhaps he is a bit stressed/depressed/under pressure, and it is using your son as a scapegoat for that? Lots to explore here. You need to sit down separately with them both and have a some very frank discussions.

theboobmeister · 14/01/2011 12:32

I can see why all three of you would be finding this so tough. 5 people and a cat squeezed into a small house, lots at stake, lots of pressure to 'make it work' plus work and health problems on top of all that. And I guess for both you and your DP there is also a huge sense of disappointment - as it's hard not to have very high expectations of a new relationship, especially one that looked so promising initially.

As a mum, of course I share other posters instincts about protecting your DS from hurt. I myself had a stepdad who made me unhappy as a child, so do understand the issues here. But I also wonder about the wisdom of jumping ship at the first hint of trouble, after all the upheaval of moving this man and his family in in the first place. What then? Find a new partner, go through the whole process again? Or live alone til your DS grows up?

I think you must already know whether your partner's behaviour towards your son is genuinely abusive or not, we MNers cannot know that just from reading your post. You must trust your own judgement on this.

Here is my 2p's worth on step-families:

They are always difficult and the difficulties need to be taken seriously. Clear ground rules are important, not just for children but for adults too.

It's unrealistic to expect love between step-parents and children, but a positive and respectful relationship (on both sides) is absolutely possible.

If your partner loves you, he will put the effort in to improve his relationship with your DS. He must take this seriously and you need to support him. Neither of you have all the answers.

I think you all (you, partner, children) need help to get through this tough adjustment period. Is there any way you could get family counselling? I think it is unrealistic to tackle something as hard as this just muddling through alone - your partner must realise that too.

Good luck!!

Sossiges · 14/01/2011 12:35

Next time you have a row about the house and he's says he's moving out, say "alright then dear, give me a call when you get settled into your new place" & help him pack. If you never hear from him again then that's it, if he gets in touch then take it from there but don't let him move back in to your house

coppertop · 14/01/2011 12:35

One thing that concerns me is that when you argue about your parenting your dp blames your son. Why isn't he blaming you?

(Not that you deserve to be blamed etc)

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/01/2011 12:43

I see these as separate issues; your relationship with this man, his relationship with your child and your parenting.

It's unacceptable for an 11-year old to be telling anyone to fuck off, let alone an adult and you accept that you have spoilt him. Therefore, from your DS's point of view, it must be something of a shock to find another adult who won't put up with that sort of behaviour and he is naturally rebelling. Being shouted at by your partner is however, hardly modelling different behaviour, is it? It just means that the level of noise and aggression rises in this small house. It could be therefore that neither of you parents properly - there seems no happy medium here between aggressive shouting and over-indulgent parenting without boundaries.

What you have told us about this man is that he was unfaithful to his DCs mother and started a relationship with you before he had got around to leaving, brought no financial support or equity into your relationship, moved him and his DCs into your house and doesn't work very much.

You describe him as being recently distant and withdrawn from you, that you argue not just about your son but about your house and that he threatens to leave during these arguments.

I'd say your standards were pretty low about what makes for a good partner and this might be because he is marginally better than your last one, but that doesn't sound like much of a benchmark.

The people I feel most sorry for here are the DCs - yours and his. Your son needs love, calmness and firm boundaries. His DCs need to live in a calm environment too and I feel sorry for the daughter who has to share a room with you both.

If you are determined to continue this relationship, I would extricate your son from the effects of it and get some professional help with restoring his boundaries. You don't have to live together to have a relationship and this one doesn't look like it's built for the long haul anyway.

PenguinFeet1 · 14/01/2011 12:43

My dp suffered years of emotional abuse from his step father. Constantly being yelled at, could never do anything right or good enough. He's really struggled with friendships and relationships as a result. Think very carefully about how this will affect your ds.

ENormaSnob · 14/01/2011 12:44

No I would not stay with a partner that did this to my child.

You seem to be backtracking with your latest posts and trying to put the onus on your son.

I suspect this will get worse.

for your ds

CinnabarRed · 14/01/2011 12:44

If your DP could afford to move out, surely as a couple you could afford to move together to a larger place? Your DP may have a point when he says that it's your house alone, rather than both of yours.

Family therapy has got to be the way forward. Could you try it for an agreed period and then re-evaluate moving?

StudiousSal · 14/01/2011 12:45

I've been through this, and I feel for you, but at the end of the day your child must come first, and if your partner is like this now it will only get worse.

In the end you will feel so worn down trying to make sure that there's not an atmosphere, so one of them can't find fault with the other, to realise it really isn't worth it, I hated the way my EXP treated my son, and I've never been happier, my son included, than when I'm on my own, don't get me wrong I'm not a saint, I still go out and enjoy myself, but I come home to happy faces now instead of crying, shouting door slamming and this was mostly the EXP, I hasten to add

No I decided I didn't need the hassle, and I am much happier, best of all so are my boys.

Good luck.

gettingeasier · 14/01/2011 12:45

Gosh OP it sounds like an all round nightmare to me.

I am a year single and cannot begin to picture someone else discipling my dc much less against my wishes.

Sorry but this thread has made me glad I am content being single with my dc and honestly your pre partner set up sounded a lot better.

Good luck

CinnabarRed · 14/01/2011 12:46

How is your relationship with DS's father? What does he think?

IAmReallyFabNow · 14/01/2011 12:47

The short answer is no, I could not be with someone who disliked my child. That is a separate issue from your boyfriend telling your child off as a father figure when he has done something wrong/naughty.dangerous, etc.

Rubyonthetown · 14/01/2011 12:49

I couldn't stay with someone who was making my child miserable, no.

Also, you say dp makes you happy. Clearly he doesn't.

Hope you get sorted.

3littlefrogs · 14/01/2011 12:50

He needs to move out into his own place now. Then, you can reconsider the future of your relationship on an equal footing.

No way would I allow a boyfriend plus his children to move into my (small) home.

You can enjoy his company if he lives elsewhere- why does he think he has the right to move into your home?

primrose22 · 14/01/2011 12:54

I have 2 dcs and at 6 mths into my new relationship they had only been introduced to my dp as friends for short periods of time, by a year they knew he was my dp and were more than happy about this as they had had a whole year to get to know him slowly and at their pace. I think you both have thought very little about the dc involved and rushed blindly into living together at the very start of a new relationship
In answer to your original question, NO I would walk away from someone who treated my child unfairly and seemed to dislike them.

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