Could you be with someone who seemed to dislike your child?

[accountantwiththemostest]

Hi I'm new here and a bit scared because I've never used a talk forum before but my friend told me this was a good place to get advice and i have a big problem playing on my mind that I can't really discuss with anyone because I feel too silly.

I?ve been with my partner just over a year now and to begin with things went unbelievably well, our kids already knew each other, and us, so there was none of the awkwardness of introducing someone new. Our boys are the same age(11) and generally get on well and it all seemed so perfect to begin with. Soon my partner was spending most nights here and moved in a few months later.

Obviously it was a big adjustment, I only have a 2bed home and my partner brought two sofas, two tvs and a cat with him that had to be somehow fitted in. His children spend 3 nights a week with us so his son shares with mine and his daughter is on a mattress in our room.

It?s just been my son and I for most of his life so he has found it quite hard sharing me with someone else and two other children and has also had problems accepting discipline/parenting from my partner.

MY PARTNER now seems to really dislike my son and is really hard on him. He seems to pick him up on every little thing and they row everyday. I know my son isn?t a saint and I know he can have a bad attitude and misbehave but he is 11 years old and I wish my partner wouldn?t yell at him so much.

MY PARTNER and I are now arguing most days as well, mainly because I don?t like his attitude towards my boy and because he thinks I spoil and indulge him too much. We also have other arguments usually about the house which end with him saying it?s not his house but mine and son?s and that he is going to move out.

I really love my partner, I never thought I?d be with anyone who made me as happy as he has. When we got together I felt like the luckiest girl in the world-even my dog biting him didn?t put him off! I also knew he was a fantastic dad to his children which as a mum was a big bonus. He made me feel so special and beautiful and can be the most loving and affectionate person there is. Recently he has been unable to work much due to the weather, ill health and car problems so I know that he is stressed and frustrated but he seems to have withdrawn from me quite a lot. When he is affectionate etc with me again it is so good and reminsd me how good we can be together and I am reluctant to give that up...He is great in other ways too, shares the cooking and cleaning, looks after my son when I have to work etc- a true partner and nothing like my last relationship.

But when I see him shouting at my son, or see my son crying because we are always arguing it breaks my heart and I wonder can I really stay with someone who seems to hate my child.

When we got together he was working a lot more and we split everything 50/50. He is by no means a lazy man or a freeloader-he has been unable to work much recently but would if he could. I don't want to say exactly what he does but his work is very much dependant on the weather, he has also been signed off due to an injury and has had flu twice since september. Then he had a problem with his car and had to wait for it to be fixed. When he can work he does, and works very hard. He hates himself for not being able to bring much in at the moment and feels a bit of a failure.

His mum is also very ill, so I can fully understand the stress he is under but do wish he would allow me to share it rather than becoming withdrawn.

I have been given some good advice so far and will try to talk to him about it all later. I hope we can do it calmly. I really don't want to give up on this relationship but I realise, especially from what some of you have said, that I need to put my son first and not allow him to live in a damaging environment.

There is no way would I tolerate this situation.

I have read and thought about your post for a while before I replied.

Your son is at/coming up to a difficult transition period in his life at the age 11. He is either just started High School or will be going in September,you have moved your fella in and now the fella is critising everthing he does after years of you doting on him.

And you are watching your son cry because your boyfriend shouts at him! Bloody Madness. These should be your lads happiest days not looking back in a few years thinking what a bastard mum's boyfriend was.

Your son is only a kid for another couple of years. Someone said your son maybe jealous quite likely and be playing up. Quite possibly but do you really want some one who shouts and makes your lad cry over everything and anything.

Your call really.

No. Sorry.

I agree with the above. Why is he living there? Why has he brought 2 TV's into your house like you're some kind of storage facility? Why has he brought a cat to your home when you have a dog, that's risky isn't it? He's not a father figure, he's a boyfriend who has fallen on his feet big time by the sound of it. Why is he telling your son off anyway?

Sorry I missed some replies. My son's dad isn't involved in his life at all, never has been. He saw him just twice last year, doesn't pay any maintenance.

My partner couldn't afford to rent somewhere alone at the moment, if he moved out he would have to live with family.

And also, it's all a bit of a drag with his not being able to work, problems with cars and injuries etc. If you were living separately none of this would affect you personally

No. I couldn't.

Your poor son.

I think WhenWillIFeelNormal's post is great.

There are behavioural issues with your son - tantrumming at 11 is not age-appropriate. It might be worth reading up about some parenting techniques.

That said, I suggest that you make an arrangement with your P that you are in charge of disciplining your son, not him. It is certainly not appropriate for him to be shouting at your son.

If your P will agree to that,there might be some hope. Otherwise, I think he should move back to his family. You can still see him on dates if that's what you both want. If he won't see you under those conditions, I would seriously question the relationship - are you just a convenient place for him to live?

No.

This is awful really.

You seem to be giving your partner loads of excuses for behaving like he is (laziness, moody) but seem to have no excuses for your son, other than to try and skew us all into thinking that your son's behaviour in some way prompts your DP's nastiness.

Your son is at a very vulnerable age, and you just moved in a bloke and his kids (half the time) very quickly before you could all get to know one another. And now he has to accept this virtual stranger shouting and disciplining him whilst his mother stands aside simpering.

I am sorry for the harsh words but I think you need them. You should not put some bloke you have known a year above the needs of your 11 year old son.

re your dh's laziness - I also have a DP whose work is dependant on the weather (builder). You know what - there is plently of building work to be had inside. He certainly wouldn't say 'can work love, it's pissing down'. This is england, it always bloody rains. He needs to get another job and not ponce off someone.

Why on earth did you move in together so fast and into such a cramped arrangement? If I were your ds I would be playing up.

Your ds comes first, no matter how much you like the relationship with P. Have your partner move out and take things more slowly and with more consideration for your respective children

Well he would have had to live with family if he had ever got around to separating from his partner, wouldn't he? I expect he didn't want to do that then either, so he left for the first woman who could house him. Have you ever spoke to his DCs Mum about the break-up of their relationship? Do you have a relationship with her at all, seeing as you are looking after her DCs for half of the week?

Let him go and live with his family and put your son first. This is such a tricky age for a child either on the cusp of leaving primary school or trying to settle into secondary school. He needs stability.

And 'flu twice since September. Really? Not just two bad colds?

you didn't really think it through before you moved him in did you?

i mean why, when you have such a small place didn't you look for somewhere bigger? why didn't you discuss the cat? why didn't one of you sell your furniture? why didn't you discuss discipline and whether you would be happy for him to discipline your son? why didn't you have a talk about your parenting styles? why did you move in with someone you don't really know?

and lastly, why the hell are you letting him bully your child??? how can you love a bully?

Sorry OP but yes is there an element of you being a convienient place to live ? I wondered too why he brought all his belongings into a small environment.

I expect this is some tough reading for you

I think you made a mistake when you moved in so quickly because you assumed it would be fine because the children knew each other's families. Being aware of someone is not the same as being happy to live with them.

I suggest you slow things right down if you are determined to continue with this relationship. He should go and live with family and you can date and take things slowly so that your son can have some time with his mother, feeling like he is the number one person in her life.

you need to ask him to move out and go back to dating him.

your son isn't happy and that is your priority.

you don't have to live with someone to enjoy being with them and as you say, you are always fighting so you aren't enjoying this at all are you? none of you are.

Isn't this boxroom again?

In answer to your question OP - no I couldn't. In your situation I would be asking him to move out asap.

Just because he has to move out does not mean the relationship has to end. You got on better when you didn't live together. Nowt wrong with that. You both have chidlren and they are a priority.

Another no from me.

My take from reading your posts FWIW:

First you say that you think your partner dislikes your son.

When a majority of posters say that they would not expect their ds to live with this

Suddenly you start to say that maybe your son is too blame because he is badly behaved and you also start to make excuses for your partner's behaviour.

Please read what you have said, it may help you to get some clarity as regards the issue.

Do you still think that you should stay with this partner and expect your ds to do so too? I wouldn't. You need to put your ds first. It's difficult to tell from you post whether you do need to change your parenting style but I wouldn't make my dc live with someone who made me unhappy especially when this is a relatively new boyfriend rather than a long-term partner.

I am appalled by this thread.Op WTF are you allowing a man you barely know to parent/discipline your child AT ALL?(that is your responsibility). This man is not your partner, he is just another freeloader who has found a gullible women to sponge off.Yet you are quite happy to let him into your ds life and create this toxic situation?.
I was in a similiar situation as a child.Mum chose her partner(whom we all loathed) over dcs. He was a control freak,abused us physically and emotionally.She finally saw the light and left(after 8 years!) but this is something that wrecked a hugh part of my childhood and still affects me now. Please ask this man to move out asap(so what if he hs to move in with family-didums).
You can work out if relationship is worth carrying on with and also deal with your ds behaviour issues.But could you really love a man who didnt love/even like your child-really?????.

You've got the teenage years to come with your ds as well. Many teenage lads get into all sorts. I wouldn't like to be your ds living with this man when I'm trying to work out what life's about.

The more I read your posts op the stronger I feel this man should not be around your ds. Also, its your bf/dp's problem that he would have to stay with family.

I'd tell him to take his kids and his cat and go elsewhere. Today.

Can I just add that my parents separated when I was five, and I NEVER NEVER liked any of the (many) men that traipsed through my mother's home and bed, until I was an adult myself and had moved out. I'm quite sure I was a total cow to many of them. And honestly, some of them were creeps IMHO, but they were all very decent to me and my sister - I can't say otherwise. But it wasn't enough.

But I was a child. A confused and angry one. Don't expect more of your son than he is able to give, even if it does appear that he is being naughty and difficult on purpose. This is why I would never recommend voluntarily becoming single mother. Unless you are prepared to go without a man to love for 18 years there will always be these conflicts.

Another no from me but also your boyfriend has an option to leave your son does not. Are you happy with keeping him in that environment?

I wouls as boyfriend to move out and then date if you want but keep him away from your son. Also i would never expect anyone else to pearent my child for me.

How does he react if you shout at his children?

Have you asked his ex-partner about her children and her rules for them?