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Original poster

Could you be with someone who seemed to dislike your child?

102 replies

accountantwiththemostest · 14/01/2011 11:35

Hi I'm new here and a bit scared because I've never used a talk forum before but my friend told me this was a good place to get advice and i have a big problem playing on my mind that I can't really discuss with anyone because I feel too silly.

I?ve been with my partner just over a year now and to begin with things went unbelievably well, our kids already knew each other, and us, so there was none of the awkwardness of introducing someone new. Our boys are the same age(11) and generally get on well and it all seemed so perfect to begin with. Soon my partner was spending most nights here and moved in a few months later.

Obviously it was a big adjustment, I only have a 2bed home and my partner brought two sofas, two tvs and a cat with him that had to be somehow fitted in. His children spend 3 nights a week with us so his son shares with mine and his daughter is on a mattress in our room.

It?s just been my son and I for most of his life so he has found it quite hard sharing me with someone else and two other children and has also had problems accepting discipline/parenting from my partner.

MY PARTNER now seems to really dislike my son and is really hard on him. He seems to pick him up on every little thing and they row everyday. I know my son isn?t a saint and I know he can have a bad attitude and misbehave but he is 11 years old and I wish my partner wouldn?t yell at him so much.

MY PARTNER and I are now arguing most days as well, mainly because I don?t like his attitude towards my boy and because he thinks I spoil and indulge him too much. We also have other arguments usually about the house which end with him saying it?s not his house but mine and son?s and that he is going to move out.

I really love my partner, I never thought I?d be with anyone who made me as happy as he has. When we got together I felt like the luckiest girl in the world-even my dog biting him didn?t put him off! I also knew he was a fantastic dad to his children which as a mum was a big bonus. He made me feel so special and beautiful and can be the most loving and affectionate person there is. Recently he has been unable to work much due to the weather, ill health and car problems so I know that he is stressed and frustrated but he seems to have withdrawn from me quite a lot. When he is affectionate etc with me again it is so good and reminsd me how good we can be together and I am reluctant to give that up...He is great in other ways too, shares the cooking and cleaning, looks after my son when I have to work etc- a true partner and nothing like my last relationship.

But when I see him shouting at my son, or see my son crying because we are always arguing it breaks my heart and I wonder can I really stay with someone who seems to hate my child.

OP posts:
kepler10b · 14/01/2011 16:48

i'm not sure your bf is bullying your son. you say you do spoil him and that bf is a good parent. perhaps what he is doing is just disciplining him but from your point of view this is bullying?

i'm not saying your bf is right and you are wrong it's just the fact that you yourself readily admit you spoil your son (which you know can't be good for him longterm). if you are going to parent as a couple you can't have different rules for each of your children.

can you give a couple of specific examples of your son's behaviour and you bf's response (and how you would have dealt with the situation)- as honest as possible - to get a clearer perspective if you bf is indeed being excessive or if it is just reasonable disipline a father might give.

Adversecamber · 14/01/2011 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

poshsinglemum · 14/01/2011 19:52

Could you really love someone who is horrid to YOUR son? HONESTLY?

Dump him.

TheVisitor · 14/01/2011 19:55

That many people living in that size house with all the other issues is not tenable. Your son does sound like he needs more discipline (no 11 year old should be shouting fuck off to an adult), this man needs to move out pronto and you date. Your lad's had an awful lot foisted upon him very quickly. Way too much too soon.

Myleetlepony · 14/01/2011 19:58

If your boyfriend was already splitting with his wife, then he would have had to find somewhere to live, and deal with arrangements for having his children. So none of that is your responsibility. Your boyfriend is an adult, and is responsible for providing for himself, and his children (and his cat, 2 tellys and 2 sofas) if necessary.
I think that a considerate man who loves you would recognise the problems here and understand that, at least for a while, the best thing might be for him to move out. If you discussed this as an option and were to get accusations of making him homeless and disrupting his childrens' lives thrown at you - then you'd have your answer.
From personal experience, as the child being subjected to "parenting" from the new man in my mum's life, I think you need to have more understanding of your DS's situation. Within a very short time of him meeting his mum's new boyfriend and his family, they moved into his life. He lost the privacy of his bedroom. Another man's child shares his mum's bedroom when they come to stay. This man has turned up and feels he has the right to start calling the shots in the household and discipling him. Even if he needs it, it's not your boyfriend's place to sort it out, it's yours, you are his mum. Just moving into someone's house doesn't make someone a dad, or even a father figure, they are just another body inhabiting the space.
How's that for perspective?

Myleetlepony · 14/01/2011 20:01

p.s. No, I could not repeatedly watch my child crying because my boyfriend was shouting at him, no way. I would have to either remove the cause of the shouting by taking responsibilty of dealing with my child myself, or remove the person doing the shouting.

poshsinglemum · 14/01/2011 20:02

Welol mabe not dump him but definately move him out and talk about parenting. TBH; it's none of his business how you parent your son.

poshsinglemum · 14/01/2011 20:03

well (typos sorry)

Myleetlepony · 14/01/2011 22:10

Just get a bit of space between you, date a bit more, take stock and let your DS get to know your boyfriend as a friend.
My Dad is 80 now, and he has told me that when he married my mum he thought I was spoilt (I was) and as he had very different views and came from a strict background he over-compensated. He was verbally and mentally cruel to me. It took about 40 years and for him to be seriously ill before I could let go of the unhappiness he caused me and we could start to build a relationship.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2011 23:36

Anyone who disliked my child and showed it would not be in my life, let alone my home. I'm sorry, but your son gets one shot at growing up, and how can he like himself, accept himself, and feel like his home is a safe haven from the rough and tumble school invariably entails in the situation you have described?

Absolute dealbreaker.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2011 23:40

Incidentally, I think few things are more dangerous to a teenager's safe choices than to feel alone in the world. Feeling like a parent chose a partner over you would pretty well do that.

There are wonderful stepparents who do a brilliant job in a thankless role. A man who wants your house run along his lines,when you've already taken in him, and his kids, and your son has lost his own room, and who bullies your child because he thinks he should parent him his way and not yours, is not wonderful. He's out of line.

emmyloulou · 14/01/2011 23:42

Erm no.

portaloo · 15/01/2011 00:04

How does your DP support himself when he's not working?

Did he live with his family before he moved in with you? Does he get on with his family well enough to stay with them to give you all some breathing space?

How does he support his own DC when he is not working? JSA?

I'm left wondering how you all manage tbh.

MooMooFarm · 15/01/2011 00:13

OP I quote "can I really stay with someone who seems to hate my child" - you know the answer to that one.

Sorry but your DS has to come first. It's hard enough being eleven without the safe haven of your own home being turned upside down. Every eleven year old is a pain in the backside a lot of the time, any decent man would understand that and accept it.

Dump him, dump him, dump him.

bestmamaderwelt · 18/01/2011 22:52

11 is such an important age, had the same with my son. Ex is....well EX. There only little once and 11 is still so little.

Beamur · 18/01/2011 22:57

To answer your question, I would not want to be with someone who disliked my child.
What a horrible situation for you.

controlfreakyhohohohohohoho · 18/01/2011 23:14

I'm a bit Shock that you seriously needed to ask the ? in your thread title op. Did you really expect many replies saying "oh yes, i'd have a partner living with me (along with his part time dcs / sofas /tellys / cat) who seemed to dislike my ds... and shouted at him and made him cry...." Hmm

feel sorry for your ds and think you let all this happen rather quickly to your dss detriment

marantha · 19/01/2011 08:35

You know your post is why I despise the word 'partner'. I can't help but feel the word somehow adds respectability and legitimacy to sh** relationships.
Yeah, he hates my kid, but he's my 'partner' doncha know Hmm so that makes it OK.
If you put this guy before your child, you don't deserve your child.
Get rid of this BOYFRIEND of yours now, before it's too late.

welshbyrd · 19/01/2011 10:08

Not sure after a year, why your Partner is discipling your DS

My DH, does not shout at my DCs [from previous relationship]

They ask him what time they need to back etc, he supports me if DC have done something wrong and Im discussing it with them. He would NEVER raise his voice to them, or me tbh

I feel terribly sorry for your DS.
Agree with, DS behaviour sometimes is not acceptable, however, you ignored/dealt with this behaviour prior to partner being on the scene. Having someone come into your home and start laying down the rules, is going to upset DS

ask you DS how he feels about your partner

I would not accept this behaviour

I would never have relations with anyone, who I felt disliked my DC.

thumbdabwitch · 19/01/2011 10:11

no I don't think I could. If he genuinely doesn't like your DS and is unreasonable in the way he disciplines/parents him, then I wouldn't be able to take it. My DS would always win in any contest with a partner.

RudeEnglishLady · 19/01/2011 10:59

Absolutley no way.

Everyone else has explained why not!

I would have lamped him one by now TBH. What a pig.

I'm a step-mother and a bio mother so I reckon my opinion is not without some insight / value. Please protect your son.

wendihouse22 · 19/01/2011 11:10

He's very little this 11yr old.

THINK WOMAN !! This is your most precious thing, your son!!

This relationship is not going anywhere for you. You will regret it badly in the years to come if you continue in this (dysfunctional) set up.

I would never, ever allow a man and his kids into my son's life unless he was good to him. Yes, kids can be difficult/annoying/rude/self-centred but, this has a deeper more sinister connotation........ end it. End it now.

wendihouse22 · 19/01/2011 11:10

I say again.....

End it now.

RudeEnglishLady · 19/01/2011 11:13

Just read the whole thread.

This boyfriend really is in clover isn't he? And he still can't keep his mouth shut.

He's not bringing much to the table. But maybe I'm just a cow for expecting my friends / boyfriends / whatever to pull their weight physically, financially and emotionally in relationships.

Sorry youre in this situation but it shouldn't be too hard to fix given that its your house and you aren't married.

Ephiny · 19/01/2011 11:52

No I wouldn't stay in that situation. And why should your son 'accept discipline and parenting' from someone who just moved into his home a few months ago, just because this person happens to be having a relationship with his mum?

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