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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being disrespectful..?

50 replies

mum31 · 13/01/2011 13:32

Im a sahm and a member of dd's schools PTFA.
Im the secretary and on the team are quite a few parents from dd's class. We are all a year into ptfa members and are all quite freindly having known each other since the dk's were born (we live nextdoor/on same estate).

Now after the ptfa meetings a few of us go to the local pub for drinks.

Usally stay till last orders.

I go, mainly so im not walking home alone and also for a bit of a social life. Dh works, away at time and do socialise when working and home iykiwm.

Sometimes for drinks it can be me the only woman and 2/3/4 men or sometimes 2/3 of us are women.

Last night it was just me with 3 men. Nothing in it iykwim, just drinks and general chat. I got home around midnight to an angry dh.

Im happy im not doing anything wrong BUT socialising. Dh says he trusts me YET feels im being disrespectful to him and that I will also make an name for myself.. mostly with the wives of the men who go for dirnks.. (just to add that one of them im good friends with and I do socialise with her as well..BUT not at these meetings)

hope that makes sense..

Im just a bit sad that dh thinks im being disrespectful and that I will make an name for myself..

Surely as a sahm and a ptfa member I am entitled to time out..? The men that go know dh & I and they ask me.. Its 2011 not 1911..Sad.

Im a regular btw x

OP posts:
Original poster
mum31 · 13/01/2011 13:33

goodness bit of a muddle that posting...Sad.

OP posts:
Suzihaha · 13/01/2011 13:36

Hmm. How would you feel if it was your DH out with the women from the committee, and he was the only man?

He shouldn't get angry at you. However, try to put yourself in his shoes.

I, personally, wouldn't be happy if my DH said that he's going to be popping out for drinks with his colleagues and they were all female. But I wouldn't stop him.

I'd hope he wouldn't make it a regular thing though.

Original poster
mum31 · 13/01/2011 13:40

Thanks suzi. I agree, if it was a load of women out then I guess I would have same issues...

BUT as I said there are time when other women are there.. and women who dh knows. Just its never clear who is going until after the meeting iykwim.

I just feel sad that dh feels im making a name for myself.

So to go to the meeting and come home straight away would do away with my social time.. also time to discuss futher points from the meeting..

OP posts:
smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 13:42

You are entitled - have you ever heard of anyone saying anything about you? I think people talk regardless tbh. If they did think ill of you for doing that, they are pretty stupid. It's not like you are out pulling (Blush about my other thread), for example.

It's the men thing isn't it? I would be upset too, but also mildly flattered if my dh got uppity with me like this about going out with guys, but sadly he couldn't give a toss!

Ask him what he thinks you should do - refuse to go if there aren't other women there? Cos if you do that it IS making a deal out of it and suggesting that you think there is something in it. Or tell them that he doesn't want you to go? Then HE thinks there's something in it and they'll talk about him instead. It's too awkward to get out of it now really and you enjoy it so why should you?

Maybe he just wanted to spend some time with you and is being a typical bloke about expressing it.

Whatever it is, you do deserve time out, it all sounds very wholesome to me, and I would also feel sad if my dh thought that was disrespectful.

StuffingGoldBrass · 13/01/2011 13:44

'Disrespectful'? Your H is not your boss or your owner and you don't have to regard him as someone who must be obeyed.
Tell him to get the fuck over himself.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 13/01/2011 13:47

Disrespectful? As you said, it is the 21st century. I think your DH is the disrespectful one, because he is not respecting your perfectly rational adult choice to go for a drink with your fellow committee members.
FWIW, this wouldn't bother my DH at all, or even cross his mind, nor would I be concerned if it were the other way around.
I think it says much more about him than about you. Call him on it.

ShirleyKnot · 13/01/2011 13:47

yeah SGB, and "getting a name for yourself" for going out for a drink with other humans who have penisisisisis (peni?) How very DARE she!

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 13:48

How often do these meetings occur? If you're staying out till midnight every week it's a slightly different situation to once a month during term-time.

I'd ignore that "making a name for yourself" shit; as you say, that's so last century. I don't believe in pandering to people's unreasonable insecurities. If you find yourself regularly staying for the last drink with one particular person, though, think again because that is something people might have reason to talk about. If you're never with fewer than two other people and not always the same people, I don't see the problem.

BlingLoving · 13/01/2011 13:50

I really hate this. Let's leave the pure "social" aspect aside - these are men and women with whom you work. Socialising with work colleagues is normal and healthy. It frustrates me endlessly when I hear women complain about their DH being at a work event with women and I feel the same way here.

If you were meeting up with these men on a one on one basis for lunch twice a week, that is perhaps inappropriate. But, all going to the pub for a few drinks after a meeting is entirely legit.

As for the "reputation" oh for pete's sake. What do people think is happening? That you're going to the pub and then the group of you are sneaking to the toilet for group sex?

MadreInglese · 13/01/2011 13:50

I think if you'd been dry humping these men in the middle of the pub then that might be seen as a little disrespectful to your dh, otherwise, erm no

thenightsky · 13/01/2011 13:54

Not in the least disrespectful. Unless you spend the whole time slagging him off to these other people of course. Grin

Ormirian · 13/01/2011 13:58

DH works almost exclusively with women - and if I'm being honest - mostly young and attractive women. He's a teacher and they are the TAs in his class. I call them his harem (yes I know, bad orm, slaps wrist). And yes he goes out with them for drinks at christmas and birthdays. It's not up to me to tell him not to even if it bothered me.

Tell him to mind his own business.

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:02

Lol @ MadreInglese!!

Original poster
mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:02

Thanks for the replies...

Just to add, whoever goes to the pub stays to the end so there is never a few left iykwim.

The ones who go and stay to the end are usually the same lot as we all walk home together, we live doors away from each other.

smellycat, to answer your question about maybe dh wanting to spend time with me.. dh was working away since monday and was back last night. My parents babysat and knew I was off for drinks after BUT dh was back home to take over from them iykiwm. So dh & I really wouldn't have had much time with each other last night..

Also as I pointed out to dh (he didn't think I would be well enought today) I was up at 7am to get me and 2 kids dressed to walk to school... I feel fine and imo it hasn't affected me..

Thanks for the reasurring views about a women out with several men.

I have just asked dh what he feels I should do, he says its his problem BUT that he's not happy with me going out BUT that he can't/won't stop me.

Just makes me feel that his views are shared by others..

OP posts:
Original poster
mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:04

forgot.. the meetings are term time and are once a month or every 2 months...

Dh feels that he didn't get with me because I was one of the lads and doesn't want me to be one now...

OP posts:
Hullygully · 13/01/2011 14:05

You are a terrible slut and a disgrace to women everywhere.

Stay home and cook and clean like the Lord intended.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/01/2011 14:05

If it's as you describe, of course you're not being disrespectful. I also think that his references to you "getting a name for yourself" are sexist in the extreme.

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:06

No I don't think they are - most of us are saying that we think what you are doing is FINE.

Saying he won't stop you is really putting pressure on you to decide not to go yourself, which I think is unfair, but if you carry on then he'll be peeved at you. He's really being a bit difficult about it because I think he knows it's unreasonable.

Does he see you as twee little wifey who plays a traditional role and perhaps this doesn't fit?

Ffs you are with the PTA!! He should be bloody pleased that you are with them and not a group of people he doesn't know!!

Original poster
mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:07

lol HG Grin.

whenwill.. I guess thats dh Sad. Very traditional and sexist at times..

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 13/01/2011 14:07

The PTA is notorious at my kids school, they're all swapping keys and all sorts.

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:07

I also think he may have liked you to be waiting with open arms on the night he came home and has got the hump a bit that you actually wanted to go to your meeting instead!!

Hullygully · 13/01/2011 14:08

Just don't go down the Atlantis

MissBeehiving · 13/01/2011 14:10

What a load of wnak.

MissBeehiving · 13/01/2011 14:11
smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:13

I think you need to get REALLY tarted up next time you go, lol

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