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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being disrespectful..?

50 replies

mum31 · 13/01/2011 13:32

Im a sahm and a member of dd's schools PTFA.
Im the secretary and on the team are quite a few parents from dd's class. We are all a year into ptfa members and are all quite freindly having known each other since the dk's were born (we live nextdoor/on same estate).

Now after the ptfa meetings a few of us go to the local pub for drinks.

Usally stay till last orders.

I go, mainly so im not walking home alone and also for a bit of a social life. Dh works, away at time and do socialise when working and home iykiwm.

Sometimes for drinks it can be me the only woman and 2/3/4 men or sometimes 2/3 of us are women.

Last night it was just me with 3 men. Nothing in it iykwim, just drinks and general chat. I got home around midnight to an angry dh.

Im happy im not doing anything wrong BUT socialising. Dh says he trusts me YET feels im being disrespectful to him and that I will also make an name for myself.. mostly with the wives of the men who go for dirnks.. (just to add that one of them im good friends with and I do socialise with her as well..BUT not at these meetings)

hope that makes sense..

Im just a bit sad that dh thinks im being disrespectful and that I will make an name for myself..

Surely as a sahm and a ptfa member I am entitled to time out..? The men that go know dh & I and they ask me.. Its 2011 not 1911...

Im a regular btw x

OP posts:

piprabbit · 13/01/2011 14:13

You are not being disrespectful, at all.
Your DH is, if anything, being a bit of a twit.

Before I became a SAHM, I worked in IT for many years. There weren't a lot of women around, and if I had declined all social gatherings where I was the only woman, I would literally have gone years at a time without socialising with colleagues. What about all the meetings in small (windowless) meeting rooms, me and a bunch of men? Or lunches in the canteen with my (male) team? FFS - the only name I got was one for being competent and capable.

ShirleyKnot · 13/01/2011 14:13

I can literally think of nothing worse than having sex with the people on our PTA.

Puts a whole new slant on the phrase "fund raising" though.

Hullygully · 13/01/2011 14:15

I shagged all mine already. I need new blood.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 14:16

Hmm... something that only just occurred to me reading your last post... do you drink quite heavily at these evening sessions? It's just that you mention DH expected you to be unable to get up in the morning, which seems a little extreme after perhaps three or four hours in the pub chatting. Your OP indicated two or three glasses and a chinwag. If you reel home plastered on a regular basis, there might be more basis to his concerns. (I don't mean because you'd be too drunk to say no if propositioned, which is what XH used to get hysterical about every time I, a very moderate drinker, touched a drop in company. I mean health and such).

Original poster

mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:18

lol shirley!
Thing is our PTFA the year we started there was quite a few men who joined and the older members were quite shocked as previously it was mostly women apart from the odd man.(chairman only) YET now out of a team of 20 approx 7/8 are men..and I guess men find it easier to socialise .

lol at keyswapping and getting tarted up!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 13/01/2011 14:19

Yes, I hope you DON'T drink too much.

Think of the children.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 14:20

... oh, just seen that it's once a month at worst. That's hardly living the high life, is it? Likewise, as others have said, this is the PTA, not the local rugby club. "One of the boys" just ain't in it.

Original poster

mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:21

We don't drink heavily.. usually buy a round each which is usually 4 drinks.

Also, last night I wasn't plastered and never am plastered.. Im one who stops before I get to that stage..!

BUT im not a big drinker and get hungover after a glass of wine .

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 13/01/2011 14:22

That's it then, you need more practice!

Hullygully · 13/01/2011 14:22

Why don't you just have at them on the bar?

Might as well be hung for a sheep

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:24

Even if she does get completely sloshed, once every two months round the corner from her house is hardly high probability pulling territory is it? And re health, yes that's very sensible, but still, why not? Every so often?!

I think I would vomit if anyone off our PTA tried to pull me. I might, though, now that this has been raised, see what kind of cats I can throw amongst the pigeons and turn up next time in fishnets and a basque.

And yeah - this is entirely the kind of bollocks that comes from a patriarchal society, that even on the effing PTA it's only the bloody men who stay out for beers!!!

Original poster

mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:27

thats true smellycat..

Its the men at ours who have also introduced mulled wine at the christmas fayre .

The previous women said it wasn't allowed.. we didn't have a licence to seel alcohol BUT the men looked into it and found out, no we can't sell it but we can give it away .

So for every mince pie bought= glass of mulled wine free !

OP posts:

BibiBlocksberg · 13/01/2011 14:29

"Dh feels that he didn't get with me because I was one of the lads and doesn't want me to be one now..."

A drink once a month or every two months is hardly turning into one of the lads is it??

And even if you did, it's your decision, not his!!

smellycatsmellycat · 13/01/2011 14:34

They sound like a great bunch!! I'm coming to your school fayres! Your dh sounds a little bit cave aged tbh (no offence) and those men who would join the PTA are very different from him, prob why he's got his pants in a twist about it. I think he'll calm down.

MissBeehiving - what havoc we could wreak if our kids attended the same school... Aaah how much fun!

Original poster

mum31 · 13/01/2011 14:42

lol

OP posts:

beingsetup · 13/01/2011 14:54

Right so four ADULTS can't go out together? What will it be next? You can't see your friends "in case anyone talks" Recognise controlling behaviour and don't fall for it!

cumbria81 · 13/01/2011 15:10

He is being completely Unreasonable!

Who cares that they were all blokes! Either he trusts you or he doesn't.

My DP's colleagues are all women. Most of his Friday nights are him and loads of hot 20 something lawyers. But I trust him implicitly, it really doesn't matter.

Jesus.

StuffingGoldBrass · 13/01/2011 15:26

Your H needs a kick in the cock. OK, not literally, obviously, etc etc.
But you need to be very very firm about this,because his problem is he thinks that you are a 'woman' and therefore a domestic object, and that you should not socialise without him at all; you should be in the house either doing housework or in the cupboard with the hoover and the duster until he wants you to perform a service for him.
Basically, just completely ignore his remarks and carry on going to your meetings.

UnlikelyAmazonian · 13/01/2011 15:35

Can I just drop in here and make this thread all about me please? at stuffing.

I agree. Your DH is being a cock. FFs. Why not take a camera, tell your PTA mates upfront that your DH thinks you are a slut and making a name for yourself therefore you need to show him what really goes on, then film the whole evening and come home and post it on Youtube under the title 'PTA orgy'.

Four rounds?

God, I'd need at least ten.

coppertop · 13/01/2011 22:46

So your dh works away for several nights at a time and presumably you are expected to trust him - yet he apparently doesn't seem to trust you for a few hours in the pub once a month or so?

ItsGraceAgain · 14/01/2011 02:13

He's bonkers. Do NOT apologise, justify or compromise your PTA socials because of this! It's a slippery slope, and quite a steep one by the sound of it

Did you know he was a controlling, hypocritical mysogynist when you married him??

aurynne · 14/01/2011 03:00

Instead of slagging off the OP's DH, why are we not a bit more constructive, for a change?

OP, why don't you invite your DH to join you and the guys when he finishes work? That way he won't feel excluded and will have a choice.

Original poster

Mum31 · 14/01/2011 09:37

Thats my point as well coppertop... AND to add to it, dh was even out 3/4 times over the christmas hols with his mates and I never once moaned. I trusted him as well.. YET the one time I get to go out it seems to be different, because of who im with according to dh./

aurynne,I have done that. Not necesarrily asked him to join us after work (long story but dh works from home and away and if I go to the meeting etc he will watch the kids. Its not as easy for him to join us iykiwm.. yet my parents babysat this time as dh was on his way back from being away)

BUT I have suggested he attends the meetings and then goes out for a few drinks afterwards. He doesn't want to do it. Says he doesn't want to get involved with the PTFA. Tbh he is also quite reluctant to join in PTFA family activities... As time goes on I can see it becoming more and more a thing of me taking the kids along while helping...

OP posts:

smellycatsmellycat · 14/01/2011 10:05

Oh he's just got a bee in his bonnet about the PTA then it's not even about you going out really...

Have you asked him what he dislikes about the PTA so much?

It's gonna be his loss eventually as you will have a nice little social circle close by and he will be excluded from that, which of course will piss him off even more. So if possible, you guys should talk about that and he should try to accept that this is your one 'thing' that you do in the spare few minutes that you have and that it may not be his idea of a good time but that he should respect that it is yours, instead of coming up with little digs that make you feel shit for wanting to do it.

BlingLoving · 14/01/2011 16:33

No, don't invite him unless he's planning to be part of the PTFA. I don't invite my DH along to work events, even though I am regularly the only woman.

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