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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is a mismatched libido enough to end a marriage?

37 replies

OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 18:21

So, so sad about this. I've been plucking up the courage to post for days.
Regular btw. Cube of poo, TWC, yadda yadda.

My husband is lovely. Really and truly.
However, he does not want to have sex with me. I'm not sure if it's me or him.

We have sex maybe once a week/fornight. If I initiate, he always say no. He has stopped caring about my needs when we do do the do.

Usual stuff applies, me; post-partum, bit overweight.
Him; works looong hours.

I just can't bear feeling so ugly.Sad

OP posts:
IAmReallyFabNow · 07/01/2011 18:24

A friend told me this week that I need to be happy with myself and not need anything from a man to make me feel happy and good about myself. I had been talking to her about a similar situation and I think she is right tbh.

sowhatis · 07/01/2011 18:25

dont write your marriage off just yet.

i have been where you are re the sex issue. it did nearly tear us apart, but ater some major changes he is so much better, and now its not all about the sex, he will come home and pay ME some attention, which is so different.

we used to have sex every few months, now its a few times a week.

do TALK, TALK and TALK.

He has to realise how serious an issue this is. i nearly (and emotionally kinda did) have an affair, this is what made my dh sit up and think.

good luck x

qumquat · 07/01/2011 18:28

I'd be ecstatic to have sex as often as once a week/fortnight! Obviously if it's an issue for you it's something to address, but I really wouldn't class that as him not wanting to have sex with you.

Kristingle · 07/01/2011 18:36

Interesting thread here

maypole1 · 07/01/2011 18:49

oh god can we swap husbands mine wants it all the time Shock

Original poster
OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 18:52

Sowhatis, I am getting there I think. (Thinking about "getting it" elsewhere.) I think it's abhorent, but I hate this feeling dead inside and invisible.Sad

qumquat, he only does it this much as I ask him for it often. When I don't show any interest we can go without for longer. He has stopped even attempting to satisfy me.

Kristingle, I could have written that OP! Shit, it's set me off in floods of tears again. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 18:54

Grin maypole!

Thing is, I do try not to ask about it too often, because I try to flip it around; if I were a bloke I'd be considered a sex-pest and told to respect my spouse's feelings!

OP posts:
Altheia · 07/01/2011 19:14

In answer to your question, it depends on why there is a mismatch. Have you actually asked DH outright why he doesn't want it? Have you told him how you feel about not having it and what you miss? Like a previous poster said, talk, talk, talk. You need to know as much information as possible otherwise, you just conjure up things in your head that may be true or untrue and just make things simply worse for you when it might not be that bad.

Hugs to you - it's a difficult one but I hope you manage to resolve it so that you are both happy.

BluTac · 07/01/2011 19:16

I'm also thinking that once a week seems like quite a lot, especially if you've just had a baby.

Original poster
OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 19:24

The youngest is a year old, blutac. He does not sleep well, but DH's sleep is never disturbed.

Altheia, yes I have told him again and again. He just says he's not up for it, but he still masturbates. He wants it, just not from me.

OP posts:
Altheia · 07/01/2011 19:27

Have you challenged him on that then? Saying he obviously has a sexual need and why can't you fulfill that? You need to get out of it from him why "he's not up for it" and he needs to be open about it.

atswimtwolengths · 07/01/2011 19:35

It's easier said than done though, Altheia, if she's married to one of those buggers who won't talk.

Altheia · 07/01/2011 19:47

Yes, definitely easier said than done but got to try. Marriage takes two. He is being totally unfair if he won't talk. Maybe it's going to have to be a case of asking the questions and gauging any type of reaction as to why he is being like he is. OP seems to think it is about her - she must have reasons why and can tailor questions around that.

QueenStromba · 07/01/2011 19:52

You should talk to him properly about it some time when you aren't horny and maybe suggest seeing someone about it. I've been in a relationship where I was constantly being rejected by my partner and it was awful for my self esteem. We did still have sex about three times a week but I'd have liked a lot more and we only had sex when he initiated it. The bastard even used to say that it was great for him being the person with the lower sex drive because that way he got it whenever he wanted it - after a while it just made me feel cheap and used and turned me into a neurotic nut job. I'd occasionally find porn in his browser history and go ballistic because when he masturbated I got even less sex - I really don't know how you're coping knowing that he's masturbating rather than having sex with you.

Kristingle · 07/01/2011 20:40

I'm sorry, i didn't mean to make you cry Sad

its horrible feeling unwanted by your partner.

i am married to another of these buggers who wont talk ( well not about stuff that this) , so i know what its like. mine will listen for a while then ask if I'm finished so he can put the tv back on Angry

Original poster
OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 21:08

You've hit the nail on the head, Stromba.

He gets it whenever he wants. I'd never say no because it could be the last time for a month! And he is good in bed when he wants to be. He just doesn't want to be atm.

I have suggested counselling, but he said no way, although I think I might benefit. I think I'm the one with the problem. I put to much emphisis on sex maybe. I always thought it was "the glue that binds a relationship." I feel so rejected when he refuses. It can't be right.

S'ok Kris!Smile I'm very tearful tonight.

He will talk, but we don't see each other much, and it's ok for a while then it goes back to worse than before.

OP posts:
maypole1 · 07/01/2011 21:18

no sex is not and should never be the glue that binds a realationship togethr

the glue is love not sex

Original poster
OtherwisePerfect · 07/01/2011 21:24

Ach, well, you're right of course, Maypole.

DH & I love each other, for sure. Lots.

He just doesn't equate love with bonking!

I feel like a spoiled brat wanting love and sex.Sad

OP posts:
StuffingGoldBrass · 07/01/2011 22:23

He's not behaving as if he loves you, though. He won't agree to counselling and he'd rather wank than have sex with you - that's not really the behaviour of a loving partner who wants to work with you on sorting out the problem.

Mind you, you say that when sex does take place, he doesn't put in any effort to make it enjoyable for you, which makes me wonder why you keep asking him for it. He's doing the male equivalent of 'pull my nightie down when you;'ve finished' sex which is no fun for either of you: I wonder if you have got into a cycle of you asking all the time and him avoiding because you're asking all the time. Because if the sex itself is not good for you, then your desire for it is not about sex itself, it's about something else.

pink4ever · 07/01/2011 23:21

I am in a similiar position.Dh can go without sex for weeks at a time(while watching tons of porn at weekends)Hmm and it is usally me that initates it(nag really!).But feel if I didnt then we would probably not do it for months!(I would combust!). Makes me feel unattractive.Dh blames it on long work hours(true) but even when he on hols we still hardly do it. Have been making more on an effort lately with appearence and using a few aidsBlush.dress up etc which has had some success but fear this will only last a few weeks and then will go back to usual.

DadIsSad · 07/01/2011 23:36

I'll swap you. Just amazed to hear from women who have enough sex drive post children to pester their hubbies for it - my wife has none (at least not with me).

Sorry - not really helping you, just feeling the need to say that.

StuffingGoldBrass · 08/01/2011 00:14

This is just another possibility but do you know what sort of porn he is looking at? Because it may be that he has a fetish of some description that he is not telling you about ie the sex that he has with you is not the kind of sex he wants to have.
I am not saying at all that you should just cater to his fetish, if he has one, if it's something that you find revolting or ridiculous, just that it would help you to know what the issue is. Sometimes people who have fetishes are ashamed and secretive about them when the fetish is not, in fact, something that would horrify a partner and so they live unecessarily miserable lives.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 08/01/2011 00:47

I think the thread title is a misnomer tbh. Your H clearly does have a reasonable libido, because he masturbates. You also say that he has "stopped" satisfying your needs, so when you do have sex, he is selfish about it. I therefore don't think this is about sex, but about him under-investing in your relationship generally. The question is why?

How does he masturbate? Does he use his imagination, or does he use porn? Can you find any catalyst or set of circumstances that coincided with him becoming a selfish lover, because your posts imply that he wasn't always like this?

I think if you reframe this as he just isn't giving enough to your romantic relationship - and try to establish why - you might get to the bottom of this problem.

JustForThisOne · 08/01/2011 01:06

have you tried stop asking all together, start say no when he does ask, look scrumptious all the time, stare at the moon while doing washing up, pretend you are not hearing and be very distracted when he is talking with you, go out with friends without saying much when you can back looking still very scrumptious and happy kiss goodnight and straight to bed....
he may notice and start paying attention he may want to talk....
obviously next stage is what you are thinking already Wink

JustForThisOne · 08/01/2011 01:07

when yo come back (not can)

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