Is a mismatched libido enough to end a marriage?

[OtherwisePerfect]

So, so sad about this. I've been plucking up the courage to post for days.
Regular btw. Cube of poo, TWC, yadda yadda.

My husband is lovely. Really and truly.
However, he does not want to have sex with me. I'm not sure if it's me or him.

We have sex maybe once a week/fornight. If I initiate, he always say no. He has stopped caring about my needs when we do do the do.

Usual stuff applies, me; post-partum, bit overweight.
Him; works looong hours.

I just can't bear feeling so ugly.

I think mismatched libidos can absolutely be a valid reason for dissolving a relationship.

But I agree with the posters who said that he appears to have a libido and there might be something else going on.

I also think once a week sounds great. (It's waaay less in our household and not by my choice.)

Talk talk talk... and I always recommend Dan Savage the sex advice columnist regarding these matters.

He can be a bit strident but is usually right.

Just to add my twopence worth, once a week is about what we manage ( think we would both like it to be more often) less than that we both get very grumpy. Is there anyway you can relieve some of the stresses in his life so he feels more relaxed and has more to give back IYSWIM ? I wouldn't infer too much from the masturbation, I don't think it means he doesn't fancy you, I think it fufills a different need than sex for blokes . :)

I spoke with him via email last night.
He knew I was upset about sex, but I'm not sure he fully understands why.
For example, he apologised for wanking, which was soooooo not the issue!
The issue was that yesterday we had the opportunity to be alone for a bit, but he chose not to, instead beating one out a few hours later.

He did ravish me as soon as he got home. Which was amazing, but I had promised myself I would not melt into his arms. (I knew he'd try it on to keep me sweet.)

Your post made me giggle, naughtymummy! The idea of relieving stress for him like a 1950's housewife!
His stresses are our stresses IYSWIM.

WWIFN, yes he is under-investing, massively. The issue is time. We have no time together. The last time we were alone together was our honeymoon, and that was only one night. From what he said last night, when we are alone, he is just too exhasted for sex. He said wanking takes no energy.

SGB, I'm glad you've come onto this thread! I have asked him throughout our relationship about and kinks he may have. He is very vanilla though. I had a much more adventurous sex life than him before we met. He is not prepared to accommodate any of my desires outside the "norm". (He will not, for example, tie me up.) That's not to say I don't enjoy fucking him immensely.
"your desire for it is not about sex itself, it's about something else."
I think you're on the money there, actually.

I think maybe you have got fixed on him wanting sex with you as a way of him showing that he cares about you (given that the sex you have with him is not good) - is he showing that he cares in other ways? Is he kind and considerate, does he pay you compliments and treat you with courtesy? or is he generally selfish and/or distant in his treatment of you?

I think so, SGB. But isn't sex a way of showing someone you care? (In a monogamous relationship.)

And the sex isn't bad. Far from it. It's bloody amazing, which may explain why I want it so much. Although he has stopped with foreplay etc in the last couple of months. I'm not adverse to a quicky, but not every time.

Outside the bedroom he is lovely. Truly. He is kind and complimentary and helpful. Otherwise perfect!

Maybe I am being selfish. If I were a bloke I think I'd be flamed! I'm just a bloody horn-bag.

Sex can be a way of showing how much you care. It can also be a challenge or a battlegrround. You say that it's amazing with him but he has stopped engaging in foreplay and it's always a quickie and you'd rather it wasn't. This does sound a bit like he is (at least some of the time) having sex with you to shut you up, which probably means he's not enjoying it that much either.
I wonder if it would help you both to try the 'agreed nights' thing where you agree that on certain nights he can initiate sex but you can't, on other nights you can and he can't: when you get into this repeat pattern of one partner being desperate for sex and the other partner being put off by the constant asking, you need to break that pattern.

SGB break the pattern is always good but ... agreed night sound so clinical to me
can OP have plenty of cold showers, ease off for a bit and play good old fashion way p*kteaser?

me who no nothing of marital sex though

Justfor: the thing with the agreed night is that, for the reluctant partner, knowing that so many nights a week s/he is not going to be asked for sex, that hints about sex are not going to be dropped, that the partner is not going to be hovering around hopefull and trying to sidle up closer and closer, can be enough of a relief to allow time for thinking it through and maybe even starting to want it again.
Just 'easing off' is not likely to work.

Are you sure he doesn't have some kind of problem which is affecting his performance?

Perhaps he has trouble performing because he is over-tired, or has anxiety problems what with having a new baby and all. And the pressure of being reminded so often about how he isn't doing it enough for your liking is bound to make him feel anxious about it too.

A agree with other posters saying talk talk talk to him. I'd also advise to try and be more relaxed about it, as sex doesn't come easily when you are feeling pressured all the time! X

2011!