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Original poster

tips for dealing with post date waiting to call awfullness.

126 replies

tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 16:59

Date was yesterday, i think it went really well.

Ended up in pub for 3 hours. he asked if i wanted to stay for something to eat, but i sad i had to go ( as i did)

walked me to my car, i said it had been really nice to meet him, and he smiled and said, yes, that it had been really nice, and we should talk soon. Then he said he never knows what to say... so i gave him a hug and a pec on the cheek.

I was doing really well, going about my day, not thiking about it the whole time.

But now, im doing that keep checking my phone thing.

I did like him, i did fancy him and i would like to see him again.

So, tips are needed on staying cool and not getting into a tiss.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 04/01/2011 18:42

You're approaching this all wrong. He has been on the dating site today but so have you. One date does not mean that you should both delete your profiles. You need to take this with a pinch of salt, bite the bullet and text him. But only if you liked him enough to ask him for a second date. Don't be silly enough to play these games, and don't give up at the first, imaginary, hurdle.

MabelMay · 04/01/2011 18:50

Agree. So what if he's been back on the site? Text him FGS and put yourself out of your misery one way or t'other.

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 18:53

In my two years of dating, and never getting a second date I can only say that me texting has never produced different results. And that if they are on a dating site so quickly afterwards its never a good sign.

I have been on. I've got another date on the weekend. Not sure if I really want to go or not.

Of course this could be the case for him too. Just my experience says otherwise.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 04/01/2011 18:58

WHy are you not getting second dates? Fwiw, I was online the next day, even though I knew I wasn't interested in datign anyone else, as my best friend was on there (she put me up to internet dating in fact) and we could gossip on there, as she can't get facebook chat to work. It's not out of the realms of possibility that he could have a similar setup. If you're giving in so easily then no wonder you haven't had a second date. I don't understand why you don't just thank him for a nice date? He might have thought you were trying to give him the slip by leaving early, why not reassure him that you weren't?

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 19:23

I have no idea why I don't get second dates.
Or the few I've been asked for I've not fancied them at all.
He knew I had to go by a certain time anyway as I had to get home to put daughter to bed. But we net up at 330, and I didn't leave till gone half 6.
He said before hand he couldn't do a late night anyway

I said at the end of the date it had been really nice to meet him. I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I don't think I need to do anymore. If he liked me, he would call.

I'm not Going to think about it anymore. It's not worth it.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 04/01/2011 19:29

I think (and forgive me sayign this) you may have a few too many walls up for datign to be successful. YOu haven't given this guy a chance. What you're doing is mindreading. You've assumed that since he was online today then he isn't interested, when in fact you have been online too. You won't be able to have a successful relationship, or hell, even a second date, if you're not able to be good at communication, and until you stop making assumptions that they're not interested. You are expectign him to be doing all the chasing, when he may have seen you back online and thought the same. It's a bonkers situation.

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 19:50

This will be the first time I've not text someone first though.
I've always gone with the ' its the 2000's, women can do this, send him a casual, witty text a few days later....
It's never got me anywhere.

I've not got walls up, I gave him a kiss on the cheek. I can communicate.

I just still think, if he was interested, he would call.

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 04/01/2011 19:53

STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!

If he wants to see you, he will call you. If he doesn't want to see you, he won't call you.

I know it's awful, but you'll have to sit it out. I do think, though, that in that situation I wouldn't go back on the dating site for a couple of days - or maybe have two profiles? ;)

Curiositykilledhaskittens · 04/01/2011 19:58

A casual witty text a carefully calculated amount of time later is not communication... It is manipulation... I agree about the Walls. You seem to be playing games even without realising. Why the hell you think the fact that you may have texted a million guys first previously would have any effect on whether this guy actually likes you or not I have absolutely no idea!!! You are just so caught up with the game you aren't even thinking about the actual people even when you like one of them!

Gay40 · 04/01/2011 19:59

My date etiquette - I text the day after, making clear the lie of the land - which is thanks for the evening followed by my next intentions, phrased a bit open-endedly.
No response = they aren't interested, and I never follow up.

ninah · 04/01/2011 19:59

kool relax, him being on site is not necessarily fraught with meaning. Until you are both ready to have the 'exclusive' convo it's perfectly normal to check msgs etc .. and you wouldn't normally have the convo after date 1.
I wouldn't text him, just wait and see. Meantime keep window shopping.
and cheer up! meeting a fia man is a Good Thing, even if he's not going to end up as Mr Kool. You had a nice date, and you know they are out there!

Curiositykilledhaskittens · 04/01/2011 20:00

And as for the "if he wants to see you" bullshit... Well, you want to see him... So text him... Tell him, if he doesn't want to see you or is an opportunistic bastard you'll soon find out...

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 20:10

Ha. Hang on. So sending s casual witty text s few days Later, is being mslnipulative but sending a text today, or tomorrow, to see if he replies isnt????????

How's that work then?

Of course you may be right about the dating site.

I just Think if he is interested he will call. But maybe ill not Log in for a few days myself.

I really just need to wait it out.

I do like him, its nothing to do with playing a game though, and everythibg to do with waiting to see if he liked me.

I know one date does not entitle me to get in s strop about him being back online, he owes me nothing nor me him. I just think its unlikely to be a good sign

OP posts:
hatesponge · 04/01/2011 20:13

tookool, I'm also someone who hasn't got beyond a first date with anyone I've met online. I don't think this is anything I'm doing wrong, I just think that it's a side effect of internet dating - you are looking for a needle in a very very large haystack. If I'd met any of the men I've dated in a RL scenario, I doubt I would have gone on a date with any of them...but then I am probably too fussy! Grin

My gut feeling about post-date etiquette is that a man is either interested or not and texting first isn't likely to alter that either way iyswim. I have taken both approaches in the past with an equal lack of success!

I think you have to do what feels right for you, whatever that is. but try not to overanalyse it all, easier said than done I know.

Curiositykilledhaskittens · 04/01/2011 20:22

No, not to see if he replies... You would be sending him a text because you liked him and wanted to see him again and your misinterpretation only proves what I was saying further...

What is the actual aim in this kind of dating that just involves lining up legions of dates, then having "etiquette" responses? It is just souless and pointless if what you actually want is a real relationship with a real person. Fine if you like meaningless sex or endless dating but not the way to find a partner unless you behave in a way that is true to yourself and your feelings.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2011 20:28

Ok, here's my two pennies worth: You can text him or you can wait for him to text you. Either is fine in this day and age.

But in my experience (which is fairly vast) the dynamic for any relationship tends to be set extremely early on. So if you make the running now, he will not bother making so much of an effort from this point on, because either consciously or subconsciously he will think that he does not have to. He will get the message that he does not have to bother texting and calling you, because you will do those things if he just leaves it.

Depends how much value you place on being pursued I suppose, and whether that makes any difference to how desirable, and therefore how desiring you feel.

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 20:46

I think I agree with that. I'm not contacting him.
I'm just not.

If he wants to see me again he will call.

Soulless game playing or not, that's how it is.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 04/01/2011 21:05

You are getiing into this wayyyyy too deep and too touchy and narky for one date.

Imagine what it'd be like after 2!

You need to take a step back and just stop thinking about it. If you really like him, stop game playing all this texting who, when crap is for teenagers.

If you like him text him, you'll soon know where you stand and put yourself out of your misery.

If dating is hurting you this bad, you are doing it wrong.

MakeYerOwnDamnDinner · 04/01/2011 21:14

If it's any consolation I'm internet dating too and understand the position you're in.

Despite meeting about ten men, I have not had a single second date so far. The men that have asked for second dates I have not found attractive enough to want to go out with again. The one bloke I quite liked didn't contact me after our first date.

I actually went out on a date last night and it was the same old story. Perfectly nice man, and not unnattractive either, just no real spark. I couldn't give a toss whether he texts me again or not.

Having said all that, I don't envy you your position either. Waiting for the phone to beep can be pretty soul destroying. I hope everything works out the way you want it to.

Remotew · 04/01/2011 21:17

I don't think she is getting in waay too deep at all. It's unusual to really like someone on a first date, especially meeting from the internet, so when it happens obviously you want THEM to feel the same and do everything they can to secure a second date. I'm sure Tookool has had plenty of dates with men she felt indifferent about.

geekgirl78 · 04/01/2011 21:20

I feel your pain! I HATE waiting for someone to get back to me. Bloke or otherwise. And I hate feeling that I'm chasing.

On the other hand, I think a lot of guys leave it a couple of days before getting back in touch in a bid to play it cool/mull things over/ etc. I'd leave it 'till Thursday ish. If I hadn't heard by then I might be tempted to send a breezy 'how you doing' text on the basis that I'd rather be put out of my misery!

CeliaFate · 04/01/2011 21:20

Maybe you're writing off men too soon? If you don't fancy them but they want to see you again, would you go out with them anyway? They may turn into good friends if you've got a lot in common. Then you widen your social circle and may meet more single men as a result. Just a thought, dunno if it works in practice!

Original poster
tookoolforskool · 04/01/2011 21:28

The ones who asked to see me again were so awful that I couldn't bear to be in contact with, let alone socalise with ever again.

I've had plenty of dates where I've not been fussed too.

I really don't think ill hear from him at all now. He's totally updated his profile, written a whole load of new stuff too.

Ho hum

OP posts:
Remotew · 04/01/2011 21:33

Tookool Sad for you. Keep looking, it's a minefield. On the plus side you will soon forget about him.

nbyet · 04/01/2011 21:37

It's not a great sign that he has updated his profile tbh. But what have you got to lose by texting him to say you had a nice evening? If he is worth worrying about it, it won't put him off at all.