H refuses to accept it is over..

[fluxy3]

Separated from H, he is refusing to accept the marriage is over. For the past 6-7 months he has pestered, phoned, texted, emailed, harrassed me it goes on and on and on....
Much of this has gone on in front of the children who are now very distressed by everything. I have tried SO hard to remain calm and be firm with him, but he WILL NOT 'let go'.
He moved into his mothers house for the most of the summer, but since October has his own flat... he maintains that that is not his home and that he can come and go as he pleases. He has frequently been in when I have been at work , eaten my food, used the computer and left me 'notes and letters' on my bed..
I have been to a solicitor to get advice and a letter was sent asking him to stick to certain request, eg, not coming into the house to collect the children, then asking them to go away while daddy 'talks' to mummy. I would collect and drop off the children to him, he isn't to text or call unless it is about the children etc..etc.. he ignored the letter and carried on, causing even more upset and distress.
The children get very upset when he turns up without notice or very early as they anticpate 'the usual'.. which is him closing doors behind him so that I cannot get out of a room, going on and on and on at me about how much he loves me, how he doesn't understand how we 'got here', that he will not give up etc.. etc.. he also refuses to leave the house and the my little boy frequently asks him to please just go..
He refuses to accept that his behaviour is really damaging the children and that when he eventually leaves the house, I am the one who has to deal with the crying, anger and occassional display of violence from one of my daughters.
I have called WA a few times for advice and was shocked that they told me... I was adivised to go the police, which I did just before christmas. They visited him and spoke to him, he has just ignored their advice about leaving me alone and how he could be arrested for harrassement. he laughs at this as he legally has the right to come into the home.. the children shout this at me.. they have picked up on conversations and some of the things one daughter says to me can only have come from other adults..
To make matters worse, one of my children was told about the police talking to him, probably from his mother, as he called her and she was with her at the time...I delayed them visiting him to avoid them finding out...
He is making my life hell... I work full time, am trying hard to keep it together for the kids, but am struggling to cope emotionally, I'm stressed, scared stupid for the children's wellbeing and feel completely powerless.
Please.. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? My friends and family ( all up north...) just can't understand it and are probanbly quite sick of me going on about things... I'm SO worried about my little boy, my 2 daughters and how he is manipulating them... he gets them to call and text me when I am out, gets them to tell him about what mum is doin... it's just awful... all I wanted to do was get out of a marriage that I have been unhappy in for years...my lightbulb moment came @3 years ago..he's definitely EA and is a classic 'water torturer' (without the violence) if you have read Lundy Bancroft.
My girls think this is 'love'... and mummy is the bad person....
I could write so much more, but am crying now...
Thanks for reading.x

No experience of your situation, just wanted to say you poor thing, it sounds awful :(

Can you change the locks? Or put extra bolts on the doors? Others with be along to help you with the legal implications.

Good luck xx

I'm sorry you are feeling so desperatep, deep breaths, lots of people are here to help you and listen to you. You're not alone.

Can you tell us the circumstances of the break up?

Oh fluxy you poor thing. You need to get tough now because he is damaging all of you.

Do what WA said. Go back to your solicitor and give examples of how he has failed to observe your reasonable requests. Keep a diary of all the incidents from now on to provide evidence.

You may be able to take out an order against him to prevent him harassing you. Or an injunction or whatever. You dont have to put up with this.

Find out your legal rights and fight for them, and show your girls what real love looks like!

Thank you for replying.. police have said I can change the locks on the door, they will not prosecute me for that.. so am thinking of doing it. Not alot to loose really..
I have kept all the letters and notes and no longer delet the texts he sends.. it was birthday yesterday.. he called me 8 times and texted me 4-5 times all be HE wanted to talk to me. I told him to leave me alone and he just won't.. it's ALL about him.
It's the children.. I knew things would be bad, but he has made things amillion times worse because he's using and confusing them... I'm so worried about them.

Change the locks and ring the police again - keep ringing them until he stops.

Sorry you are going through all of this :(

Do you have sole PR of the children?

Sorry about the spelling mistakes.. rushing to type as one of the children came downstairs.
I am going to go back to the solicitors and see what they say.. it costs me £200 each time though.
He has been asked by mine to attend mediation so we can sort things out.. he has instructed a solicitor but will not send me any letters or anything because 'he doesn't want to' and, 'he doesn't want this to happen' and 'he doesn't want things to be over' and he...you get the picture.

Hi Chippin, I do, he works in London. We all live on the coast and I work where we live.. one of my daughters wants to go and live with him.. but I've told her no.

yup - same here - and three years on it doesnt get any better - but as i rent my own place (he still lives in the joint owned property) i can close the door... and keep him out.

if he has been offered mediation and is refusing then i think you have no choice but to apply to court for a clear contact order spelling out when and where he can see teh children, and make it maybe a third party involved to drop off/collect. and / or file for divorce and get things set in motion regarding the split finanically and contact arrangements.

get a separate PAYG mobile for him to text on to keep it separate from your personal one.

keep a good record of everything. it amounts to harassment - you can get an injunction.

how old is the dd who wants to live with him?

My advice:

Change the locks straight away.

Tell him you will only communicate through solicitors with the threat of calling the police if he comes round, calls etc

If he breaks the rule, even in a small way, just once then follow through.

Keep a diary of it all.

See if you can get some counselling through WA.

My WA changed the locks for me for free.

He needs to leave you alone, you need to prevent him being able to bother you... And the dc...

Hi Cest.. thanks for reply.. feeling calmer now that I have posted and got some replies.. everytime I've tried to.. just get very upset and then delete, delete!
I have twin girls aged 13 and my son is 10.. I've been a ratty, stressed and shouty mum to them and I'm positive that my behaviour has at time not hepled the situation. However since him leaving, other than when he bothers me, I'm a lot less stressed and ratty...not sure why I'm telling this, just need to talk about it all really..
The phone thing is a good idea.. but I'm sure he will not do it.. will try though, thanks.
You say that your ex lives in the joint owned property and you rent.. what will happen when he sells, if he does? as I've considered doing that... I live in the family home but he rents..

Curiosity, thanks... I've been 'scared to follow through'.. but he's pushing his luck now... I feel I have failed the kids.. but have been worried about getting the police involved too.
Got to do it.
I will also contact WA again... and change the locks too.
He's a bully and a control freak... changed man he tells me, really?

yup - same here - and three years on it doesnt get any better - he stil cannot accept it - tho now as i rent my own place (he still lives in the joint owned property) i can close the door... and keep him out.

if he has been offered mediation and is refusing then i think you have no choice but to apply to court for a clear contact order spelling out when and where he can see teh children, and make it maybe a third party involved to drop off/collect. and / or file for divorce and get things set in motion regarding the split finanically and contact arrangements.

get a separate PAYG mobile for him to text on to keep it separate from your personal one.

keep a good record of everything. it amounts to harassment - you can get an injunction.

how old is the dd who wants to live with him?

sorri for repetition!
i had to move out due to his abusive behaviour...long story...now trying to get the property sold and equity divided up -going to court over that - have to force him to sell via court order as he wont accept it is over. so long as we own stuff together he holds onto that somehow. so i really need to get it all split. hearings set for april and 2-day in june -hanging onto that finally getting order to sell..

Fluxy - they're older than I was expecting them to be. Maybe you just need to be a bit more open with them and a bit straight about why his behaviour is unacceptable.

I would send him a letter (through the solicitors) outlining what is/isn't acceptable and tell him that if he turns up at anytime, not a pre-arranged collection time, you will be calling the police.

The problem with getting another phone is that he will still have your old number and if you start using the new one for others and keep the old one for his calls, the kids will probaby end up telling him/giving him the number - so I think you'll just end up with him calling two phones!

Call the locksmith in the morning - make a start on putting your foot down.

What are you scared of exactly?

Just remember, your kids are seeing this, they are learning from you - make sure you are teaching them what you want to be teaching them x

you could block him from one phone.

keep talking to womens aid.

Hi Chipping.. I've tried explaining to them that their dad's behaviour is not acceptable and certainly not love, but they will just not accept it. It's made difficult by the fact that when he comes into the house ( which they know he's entitled to do) and then when I ask him to leave as I do not want to 'chat' to him about the relationship, yet again, they start screaming at me to let dad stay, he just wants to talk to you... I have had months and months of him standing over me, low level tallking at me, hundreds of questions, accusations of affairs and new relationships it goes on and on...so I really don't want him in the house for a 'chat'.
It all adds to the isn't daddy great because he loves mummy so much act.. and isn't mummy awful 'cos she won't talk to daddy and doesn't love him any more.. my head aches from it all...it's so manipulative.
I think he believes that this is how you behave... the kids are learning from him too and really not good things... oh god.

He's not entitled to come into the house even if he owns it. You can very easily get a court order that forbids him coming within 100 yards of the door.
Change the locks first thing, then get on to WA about an occupation order and a non-molestation order. SUpervised contact only for the kids with all handovers done via a third party.
Please bear in mind that you are perfectly legally entitled to shut this fuckwitted man right out of your life and have no contact with him whatsoever. The only people he has any legal right to contact with are the DC and if they refuse to have anything to do with him then at their ages, they will probably not be forced to.
Given that your DC are the ages they are, you can explain a diplomatic version of the truth to them: that what their father is doing to you is not 'love' but bullying, and that they don't have to put up with it from him or anyone else. Tell them that you understand that they love and want to see their dad, and this is fine, they will be able to see him, but that you don't want to see him and are therefore not going to.

if h has his own flat then while he has the right to enter the joint owned property i am pretty sure it doesnt mean he can do so at will - i am pretty sure he can be asked to give notice. like a landlord would. i was told this regarding me entering the joint owned property - i would be expected to let exP know in advance...so yes he can ask to come in for specific purposes eg collect belongings etc. when you not there but not to harass you...

you have right to peaceful existence - get some specific legal advice on this.

can you have him wait outside on doorstep while DC get coats on then hand them over on doorstep? bolt door on him. if he comes outside a set time for pick up then is his problem - he waits in car/outside.

explain to DC that it is not the place for a chat - and it cuts into their time with him - but that you would attend mediation with him to discuss things with someone else present.

what sgb said, actually...

Haven't read the replies but I have some experience of this.

You must stop replying to texts, emails, letters, phonecalls. When you try to reason with him, and justify your decision to end it, and your right to leave, all it is doing really is perpetuating his notion that you need his blessing to finish the relationship, or to put it another way, that the relationship isn't 100% over until he agrees that it is.

I wasn't properly free for 18 months after I left my x.

Don't communicate with him, don't engage with him, don't be tempted to retaliate, plead, be civil, normal, "friendly for the sake of the children".. concentrate on disengaging.

Also change the phones of the dcs poor them that they don't know how they are being manipulated.
I qwould also ask about counselling for them too through WA. It will open their eyes at the same time as helping you all to cope with this intolerable situation.

You have enough and you should be acting to help you and dcs NOW>

fluxy3 I'm concerned that you say that your 13 yo daughters see you as the 'bad person' and one wants to move to live with her dad but you are preventing this.

I think if you change locks etc you will escalate the situation and your daughters may become estranged from you.

I feel desperately sad for you in this difficult situation - your h is trying to manipulate and control you. It seems ridiculous that he is failing to heed the instructions from the police.

I think you've had some good advice on here - especially re: keeping a diary etc

I hope things work out for you

Fortyplus - and if fluxy doesn't change the locks nothing will change

Change the locks first, fluxy. Then you can begin to sort this out.

I agree with SGB too.

Thank you all so much for replies.
I'm going back to work today... but will hopefully find some time to deal with all the things you have suggested..I am going to change the locks on the house and contact my solicitor wrt him not taking any notice of both her and the police.
Forty- It would be impossible for her to live her dad, he works in London and does not get home until 8-9pm every evening.
Mamas- the girls have just got new phones and so I couldn't change them already, but I agree, they don't realise what he is doing to them.
I'm contacting my son's school this morning to arrange an apt. for him to have councelling in school, he has already asked for someone to talk to and just before christmas was so upset by his sister's behaviour towards me and all the distress, asked me to call childline for him.
Valium- I stopped trying to talk to him rationally ages ago.. very hard as he wants me to engage with him. I keep all the texts he sends, letters he leaves and record as many incidents as possible in a note book.
SGB- I am going to talk to them about their dads behaviour (again) tonight.. unfortunately one of my daughters is so angry and aggressive towards me, I know that what ever I say will end up in her being just awful to everyone and it will distress her brother again. I've tried everything with her. She has physically attacked me on more than one occassion and last week was screaming in the street that I was abusing and hitting her. I have tried explaing to her that this is unacceptable and she must be very careful not to make accustations about me ( I am a teacher at her school ) and the implications could be severe if she continues to do this.
It's like swimming in treacle... and I feel attacked from all sides.. not coping at all well.
Could not sleep again last night and woke up crying.
Thank for all your support.

It sounds like a nightmare situation

I can understand your reluctance to get the police involved but I really do think it's justified given his behaviour. He's not listening to reason and, frankly, I'd be terrified if I had someone as clearly out to lunch as he is wandering in and out of my house at will.

When you spoke to the police, was it just whomever was free or was it a member of the station's specialist domestic violence unit? Even though he's not hitting you he's clearly emotionally abusive. Moreover, he needs to learn that he can't just ignore what the police tell him to do and act as if the law doesn't apply to him. It does. But the police do need you to let them know that he's continuing to harass you.

As well as talking to the police and Women's Aid, I've heard that Rights of Women can also be very helpful for legal advice.