H refuses to accept it is over..

[fluxy3]

Separated from H, he is refusing to accept the marriage is over. For the past 6-7 months he has pestered, phoned, texted, emailed, harrassed me it goes on and on and on....
Much of this has gone on in front of the children who are now very distressed by everything. I have tried SO hard to remain calm and be firm with him, but he WILL NOT 'let go'.
He moved into his mothers house for the most of the summer, but since October has his own flat... he maintains that that is not his home and that he can come and go as he pleases. He has frequently been in when I have been at work , eaten my food, used the computer and left me 'notes and letters' on my bed..
I have been to a solicitor to get advice and a letter was sent asking him to stick to certain request, eg, not coming into the house to collect the children, then asking them to go away while daddy 'talks' to mummy. I would collect and drop off the children to him, he isn't to text or call unless it is about the children etc..etc.. he ignored the letter and carried on, causing even more upset and distress.
The children get very upset when he turns up without notice or very early as they anticpate 'the usual'.. which is him closing doors behind him so that I cannot get out of a room, going on and on and on at me about how much he loves me, how he doesn't understand how we 'got here', that he will not give up etc.. etc.. he also refuses to leave the house and the my little boy frequently asks him to please just go..
He refuses to accept that his behaviour is really damaging the children and that when he eventually leaves the house, I am the one who has to deal with the crying, anger and occassional display of violence from one of my daughters.
I have called WA a few times for advice and was shocked that they told me... I was adivised to go the police, which I did just before christmas. They visited him and spoke to him, he has just ignored their advice about leaving me alone and how he could be arrested for harrassement. he laughs at this as he legally has the right to come into the home.. the children shout this at me.. they have picked up on conversations and some of the things one daughter says to me can only have come from other adults..
To make matters worse, one of my children was told about the police talking to him, probably from his mother, as he called her and she was with her at the time...I delayed them visiting him to avoid them finding out...
He is making my life hell... I work full time, am trying hard to keep it together for the kids, but am struggling to cope emotionally, I'm stressed, scared stupid for the children's wellbeing and feel completely powerless.
Please.. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? My friends and family ( all up north...) just can't understand it and are probanbly quite sick of me going on about things... I'm SO worried about my little boy, my 2 daughters and how he is manipulating them... he gets them to call and text me when I am out, gets them to tell him about what mum is doin... it's just awful... all I wanted to do was get out of a marriage that I have been unhappy in for years...my lightbulb moment came @3 years ago..he's definitely EA and is a classic 'water torturer' (without the violence) if you have read Lundy Bancroft.
My girls think this is 'love'... and mummy is the bad person....
I could write so much more, but am crying now...
Thanks for reading.x

Is there a youth worker attached to school? I know she/he will be one of your colleagues and you might feel embarrassed to speak about this but, believe me, they will keep confidentiality and just be concerned with supporting your children.
Contact WA and ask for their support with the children, they will know what support Is available in your area.
I'm so sorry you are going through this, he's a horrible man.

Have you considered selling up the house and splitting the assets? I would think that moving to a place of your own even if it's rented where he has no excuse to turn up and invade your space would greatly improve your peace of mind.

Also I know it would be an upheaval for the children but have you thought about moving away to be closer to your family?

And what SGB said. I think you need all the help you can get from WA and the police.

fluxy3 - is there anyone else your angry daughter could stay with for a short time? A grandparent ot trusted family friend?

Poor poor you. Reading what you have written, it does seem to me that his behaviour is going way beyond him just 'not accepting' that the relationship is over, and is becoming something a bit more sinister, particularly the shutting you in a room with him bit which made me shiver.

I've been somewhere similar, the exH would not accept it was over and it became very difficult.

It is time to seize back control over your life and your children's.. That cant be done simply by changing the locks I'm afraid in your case (and I think doing that without other steps would be foolish). Think you are going to need the legal route. Have you got a solicitor you feel confident with? If so, then it strikes me that you need to see him/her to get a non-molestation order(in the meantime keep the police informed of what he is doing and keep a log yourself).

His access to the children also needs putting on a different footing - the current arrangements clearly arent in the children's best interests. Maybe even supervised access until things are different?

Dont mean to scare you, but his behaviour is ringing alarm bells with me and you need proper support to get it stopped.

Keep strong, you have done the right things so far. And remember, by being strong, you will be showing your children that his behaviour isnt 'love', its abuse. Thats a hugely important lesson for the rest of their lives.

Have just got in and read your messages... thank you for taking the time to reply..
malinkey- he wants us to sell the house, then he changes his mind, then he wants to come back...I go round in circles.. we were lucky to have bought in the boom and have a very large house that HE wanted (don't get me wrong, I like my home and know I'm lucky to live in it... but it is his 'home of status'...)
I want to feel secure and happy and cosy in my home with the kids... I have thought about going back up North.. but it would be too much of a wrench for the 2 girls, plus I really love my job and have waited 7 years to get it...
Forty- she's not angry all the time... but I have considered her staying with a friend... sadly I feel that if she were to go to her grandmothers (H's mum) it would make things worse. She 'hates' me and has made it her mission to get me out of the family for the past 3 years ( she has got what she wanted now!) I know that her dislike of me would be difficult for her to disguise from my daughter. I also can't stand the woman!
Folly-I do feel that his behaviour is getting sinister.. to look at him you would not guess he has behaved towards me as he has.. he's very good at the Mr laidback, oh so nice, chilled, quiet, calm... but he is passive aggressive and whilst he does not sulk or be violent, he knows how to make you feel like something is not right.
I've been the moody, upset, quiet and withdrawn one increasingly over time and this has played right into his hands over the years...'Whats wrong with you?", "why can't you be more like...." "people dont come see us because you are .... and ...." what he failed to see was I was never like that to start with.. he loved that I was all chatty and friendly and outgoing and gradually he has sucked the life out of me with his little digs and wierd ways... of course no one else see that.. all they see is me the fed up one and him the Mr Gregarious... makes me sick.
Sorry all... rant over... reading that what I have written, and I could go and on and on, and people replying- telling me what I have always suspected of him has made me feel really angry! I will channel that in a positive way...

Mine never looked like anything other than a reasonable bloke either, no-one would have guessed.

Really really hoping that you are going to get some help with this situation, it cant go on like this. You must be exhausted but it is astonishing how even an extreme situation becomes 'normal' eventually. If its any help, I can tell you that the sense of relief you get from being back in control of your own life is just wonderful. Please do keep us up to date with the steps you are taking to get this sorted, there are lots of us who have been through similar things and know how tough it is.

Being angry with him is a really good start!

Will the courts give contact orders for 13 year olds?
I thought as the children get older court orders are pretty unenforceable. Our teenager decides when they want to see ex.

Fluxy I hope you can get some help with this situation - it's intolerable :(

Rant away though - it's good to get it all down on paper and off your chest.

I think it would be a mistake to let your DD live anywhere else. If she stays with you she will gradually see the situation for what it is and she's at that age anyway where being angry with at least one of your parents is pretty normal!! Even if she wants to leave, if you let her leave she will resent you and in time rewrite history to it being your idea - keep her close and even when she's being difficult tell her how much you love her (you can still tell her you don't like her behaviour!) and just keep trying to talk the situation through with her, even if it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

I really hope you get some help soon!

Hi.. so I have been in touch with the children's teachers and got some support for them..was hard as I get very emotional and don't feel comfortable talking about personal problems face to face...
One developement is that when I got in from work today I knew H had been in the house as the post had 'jumped' from the floor to the hall table..very odd...!
He had aslo left me another one of his letter with my monthly 'payment'.
It really upset me.. he wrote the usual about him not wanting us to split and then I read the following..
"....we can stop everything if we really want and get back on track as the other option is dark and not very pleasant.'
Am I right to think that is a little threatening? I read it to my mother and she was shocked and upset, saying that she thought it was very threatening and emotional blackmail again...
I'm sure he did not mean that way.. but it shook me a little.

ok - so do you think he is threatening to harm himself? - if so -well his choice really. you wont be responsible. lots of people split up. only a very few actually kill themselves over it...

is he threatening to harm you? - then keep it and report to police.

might he harm the children? to get at you? -then you must ensure he has only supervised contact with them.

key thing is not to respond to him - eg asking him what he means - but take to solicitor / police / GP with your concerns.

given the "threat" you would be well within your rights to write (or get solictior tow rite) saying "given the tone of your eltter stating you might take a "dark and unpesant option" i have no choice but to change the locks and ensure you no longer have any access to my property. also from now on contact with children must be supervised by a third party we both agrree to".

i mae mistake of having exP in my new home to see DC - he got violent an agrssive culminating in specific incident in which he refused to elave holding us effecively hostage - he ahs already cornered you in rooms to talk - as did my exP... . you cannot afford that to happen.

dont beg him not to do anything - but do take him literally -thatmeans from today:

he has no acess to your property - you cant risk him lying in wait with an axe

• no contact with children except supervised in public space - you cant risk him harming them or holding them hostage

yes it is more thq likely emotional blacjmail - but there are enough statistics out there for you to take action and respond with chaning your locks and allowing him zero acess to you / your home - and to state that given this "threat" -only supervised contact with the children.

failure to accept the end of the relationship is a real risk factor.

scroll down here www.lundybancroft.com/?page_id=261 to "Refusal to accept the end of the relationship....."
he may not ahve been violent towards you except very low level - but now is the risky time. and his letter is a direct threat - doesnt matter what he means - take steps to be safe.

if he back tracks about what he means - then still, dont trust him...

ps sorri typos.

also the line is much same as my exP "we can stop everything if we really want and get back on track W - always about "we" together, never about anything he might do - tho i get "i am sorri for stuff that happened but you can forgive me if you want to, it is only you that is preventing us being a happy family not me" etcetc.

is always about him being victim...

do you have a solicitor already?

ps he can make payments direct to your bank account. no reason to write cheques. or he can post it.

there is zero reason for him to be in your property - especially as he is making veiled threats.

take it seriously - but fight back.... "you are making threats therefore you cannot be in my property and you cannot see the children alone"

let him take it to court if needs be - you ahve already police record; solicitor has stuff; you can get cafcass involved

Fluxy - how are you?

You know him - only you know if what he said was 'threatening' or 'threatening suicide' but you say that you know he didn't mean it like that... I might say 'an option' was 'dark and not very pleasant' - just meaning that there was no light in it, no joy, dark as in miserable not as in dead or scary... but as I said, only you know him.

Anyway, I hope by now you have sorted that out with him.

Have you changed the locks? Called the solicitor??

Hi..I'm feeling Ok.
I've got my mum and Step dad here with me at the moment.. have not changed the locks as I could not get anyone round when I was at home...
I showed her the letter... so she saw the sentance in context... it still sounds a little threatening.. but I have to say that I do think that he means it in a dark, as in no joy, way..
I've been reading my Lundy Bancroft book more..so many things in there that are familiar to me.. the big one in his texts are that he is saying how he is in a bad place and do I realise what I am doing to him.. all about him again.
Does he realise what he has done to me and my children with his behaviour... I think not.
I spoke to my boss yeaterday and told her about everything that has been going on.. she was very sympathetic and has told me not worry about taking time off if necessary... it was such a relief.
I feel stronger as I'm with my family... I can almost relax!
he did try the feel sorry routine last night by calling the house and talking to my step dad..I won't bore you with the details but it was all quite pathetic and very me,me, me.. I go from feeling sorry for him to getting angry to feeling stressed and concerned that he will turn up and force his way in... making a scene in front of the children and ruining the weekend yet again....
I am calling my solicitor on monday as now I know I can take time off work with out feeling guilty or worried...
I'll keep posting.. thank you for your kindness..

The one thing that occurred to me about changing the locks:- if the children have to have a key, how long before he has one? Then you have made a BIG gesture for absolutely no reward.
How possible would you find it to completely ignore it when he leaves notes etc, just put them away in a secret folder without looking at them and don't mention them when he comes in? Just say to him once:"I don't want to talk to you" and then don't speak again etc. It would be quite hard and may be totally impossible for you but it might be more effective than changing the locks if it would take no time at all for him to get a spare key cut.

:"I don't want to talk to you" is worth trying but in my experience it doesnt work with someone determined to try to push on talking.

then when they dont get a response they refuse to leave or become agressive.

irrational people dont take no for an answer... but yes worth a try.... but not letting him over doorstep is best solution

Fluxy - I'm pleased you have your DM & DSD there - are they staying for the weekend? Do you have a friend that could stay when they go?

I'm also really pleased that you have talked to your boss and she's said to take any time you need, as you say, it makes it a lot easier.

Could you or your DSD not change the lock for you? You can buy most locks at Homebase etc and if you swap like for like, it's not that difficult.

I hope you can get an appointment with your Solicitor for early this week.

Oh and when you do go, please tell them everything, don't feel too embarrassed or ashamed etc - you have no need to! but lots of people are and then it seems like the situation isn't as terrible as it actually is.

Oh fluxy, I really feel for you
My ex displays similar characteristics and reading that bit of Lundy Bancroft only confirmed what I suspected...
Please follow the good advise of the other ladies on here and don't give up. Sorry cannot offer more practical advise

fluxy, your situation is astonishingly similar to my own, except my DD was younger and my ex is scared of authority. However, 18 months down the line I still have lots of issues with him refusing to 'let' me go.

WA have been an enormous help, as have the health service and the police. Your local police should have a domestic abuse worker. Mentally it was a big step for me to call (after all, my ex never hit me...) but she left me in no doubt that the police would intervene.

They can flag your address and so, if you call that he is harrassing you etc., your call is prioritised. You absolutely need to start calling them when he won't leave. In the short term your children might be angry and upset, but they do need to see the wider world as considering his behaviour as unacceptable.

Since leaving I have never been alone with my ex nor talked to him beyond handing DD over. We don't talk on the phone, only text and letter and our legal agreement states that he is not allowed to put a foot in my house. Zero tolerance is absolutely the only way.

So sorry for you. Women's Aid have a good resource called the Hideout for children and youg people affected by abuse. I would show it to your kids.

So.. after just one weekend of relative peace and little or no harrassment..it kicks off again this weekend.
Friday night was just awful..first the calls to the kids trying to find out what i was doing ,then the accusations of an affair, then the blocking of doorways and the refusing to leave the house. The children were all shouting at him to leave me alone...he told then go away as he was 'talking' to mum..even my son said 'she's got nothing to say to you just leave dad!'...
I threatened to call the police.. he just 'laughed' about it..
So eventually he left with the kids.. after I had said 'right, thats it you aren't going with your dad.. I have to protect you from this behaviour...' they got upset and said they still wanted to go. His reply to that was that 'that was a joke coming from me.. I'm not the one shouting infront of the kids'...
So saturday morning... I've got a letter from my solicitor with his letter attached... good god! The man is denying he uses the children to get to me, denies harrassing me and has accused me of hitting the children and shouting at him accross the street.
He has also said that if I will not agree to a reconciliation he will stop paying the full mortgage and bills but will keep paying me the £400 a month he pays me for child maintenance. This, he told me was for buying food... I don't get anything for the children and I

have not pursued it as he has been paying the mortgage and bills. The man earns £65k + a year
This is all because he loves me... wtf!
I spoke to my mother about all of this as I was in such a state.. she's very upset and I feel awful as she is 500 miles away and I just did not know who to call.. I tried WA but they were busy.
I can call the police, but am very worried about doing so as I really don't want this to escalate...???? and how that will affect the children..
I have been double locking the front door so he can't get in, which shows that he has been round whilst I am not here.. I also caught him going through my phone (again) earlier when he came to collect the girls.
I know he's been on my computer and has checked
(abused my privacy...) emails etc.. too.
His solicitor says that I am preventing him from coming into the property to collect his things.. he has had months to collect his things and any mail is given to him or forwarded to him.. I stop him from coming into the house as he refuses to leave and then the kids get upset.. he also harasses me about the marriage and why it is over... I've had 7 months of this now...I'm not backing down and he's getting increasingly aggressive in how he talks AT me. He's also asking 'why do you talk to everyone else when they don't know you as well as I do".... so I can't talk to friends now?
Classic EA arse.
Struggling and although I'm not crying.. am still taking at least an hour to stop shaking after he has been round.. he was asked by the police anmd solicitor to not do this.. but HE is obviously above the law.

I have lurked on this thread.... What an awful situation. The only suggestion I can make is that you start divorce proceedings because this man is going to keep up this horrible behaviour in the hope that you let him back again.

Send him a letter via solicitor that he must collect his things on ONE prearranged occasion, and anything not collected will be removed that day to the tip.

have everyone you know (family, friends etc) there in your house on that occasion.

Never let him in again.

Get yourself down to the CAB, or go to your solicitor.

Get the possession order, the non-mol order and go contact centre with a 3rd party.

If you go to the CSA, I heard that it's 20% of his salary... that's £13k a year, way more than his £400 a month, so I think he is bluffing.

What is WRONG with solicitors, why do they inflict such lies on us, can't they tell these bullies that actually he CAN'T do that as it's in contravention of YOUR rights?

Agree with coldtits, get his stuff sorted and have him pick it up. Make sure you are not there, and neither are the kids, make sure someone else is though.

Change the locks if you have not already done so.

No More Mrs Nice Wife, kick arse, don't stand for this, he has no rights to treat you like this.

Honestly this is abuse, I would pack your bags take the dc with you and move into rented accommodation.

Have you got the money to do this?