H refuses to accept it is over..

[fluxy3]

Separated from H, he is refusing to accept the marriage is over. For the past 6-7 months he has pestered, phoned, texted, emailed, harrassed me it goes on and on and on....
Much of this has gone on in front of the children who are now very distressed by everything. I have tried SO hard to remain calm and be firm with him, but he WILL NOT 'let go'.
He moved into his mothers house for the most of the summer, but since October has his own flat... he maintains that that is not his home and that he can come and go as he pleases. He has frequently been in when I have been at work , eaten my food, used the computer and left me 'notes and letters' on my bed..
I have been to a solicitor to get advice and a letter was sent asking him to stick to certain request, eg, not coming into the house to collect the children, then asking them to go away while daddy 'talks' to mummy. I would collect and drop off the children to him, he isn't to text or call unless it is about the children etc..etc.. he ignored the letter and carried on, causing even more upset and distress.
The children get very upset when he turns up without notice or very early as they anticpate 'the usual'.. which is him closing doors behind him so that I cannot get out of a room, going on and on and on at me about how much he loves me, how he doesn't understand how we 'got here', that he will not give up etc.. etc.. he also refuses to leave the house and the my little boy frequently asks him to please just go..
He refuses to accept that his behaviour is really damaging the children and that when he eventually leaves the house, I am the one who has to deal with the crying, anger and occassional display of violence from one of my daughters.
I have called WA a few times for advice and was shocked that they told me... I was adivised to go the police, which I did just before christmas. They visited him and spoke to him, he has just ignored their advice about leaving me alone and how he could be arrested for harrassement. he laughs at this as he legally has the right to come into the home.. the children shout this at me.. they have picked up on conversations and some of the things one daughter says to me can only have come from other adults..
To make matters worse, one of my children was told about the police talking to him, probably from his mother, as he called her and she was with her at the time...I delayed them visiting him to avoid them finding out...
He is making my life hell... I work full time, am trying hard to keep it together for the kids, but am struggling to cope emotionally, I'm stressed, scared stupid for the children's wellbeing and feel completely powerless.
Please.. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? My friends and family ( all up north...) just can't understand it and are probanbly quite sick of me going on about things... I'm SO worried about my little boy, my 2 daughters and how he is manipulating them... he gets them to call and text me when I am out, gets them to tell him about what mum is doin... it's just awful... all I wanted to do was get out of a marriage that I have been unhappy in for years...my lightbulb moment came @3 years ago..he's definitely EA and is a classic 'water torturer' (without the violence) if you have read Lundy Bancroft.
My girls think this is 'love'... and mummy is the bad person....
I could write so much more, but am crying now...
Thanks for reading.x

He's been driven to it by what? By his own abusive behaviour in the first place. I find it very hard to feel sorry by those who have treated others abusively and who don't like it when they are finally called on it.

Look at it this way Fluxy: a nice person accepts being dumped. S/he might be sad and might rant to friends about what a vile person the dumper is at least in the beginning, but s/he gets over it and moves on. Staling, bullying, constant harassment of a partner who has left you only demonstrates how right the partner was to get rid. Everything this man has been doing demonstrates clearly that he is a fucking wanker and a total waste of oxygen. You were absolutely right to dump his sorry arse.

Cumbria (my home county BTW) ... I have tried really hard not to 'paint' my H as a bad or evil person, but I do not feel sorry for him at all. I asked for him to move out initially as he would torment me and made my life a misery with his actions and behaviour.. not violent, but threatening, sarcastic, demeaning, ignoring any requests to be left alone, accustaions of affairs, arrogance.. shall I go on.
The atmosphere that my children were living in was awful. I was incapable of even speaking to him eventually.. not a good example to set the children.
I want my children to understand that they do not have to stay in a relationship just because the other person wants to and they are somehow someones property... his behaviour has shown me that is that that is what he thinks of me. He has made it very clear that, "you are MY wife".. and not in a nice way, in a 'you are my possession' way.
As Katisha says.. driven to this by what? he made the decision to behave like this. He decided to harrass me and bully me. He decided to call, text and phone all the time. He decided to ignore my pleas of leave me alone ,refusing to leave the house and laughing at my distress.
I actually pity him...

Thank you SGB.

is there anyway of you recording him
the law is recording someone without there permission is illegal ....but CCTV is not

get a small one etc. then maybe give it to police?

fluxy, have you had any counselling? you mention that you feel there has been a pattern to relationships, also, it's sad to read you doubting yourself, looking back and wondering, even briefly if you should have stayed with him - when you have those thoughts it's because his abusive tactics are working - he is managing to continue to crush your confidence.

I think you sound like a lovely person, with intelligence and a desire to create a better, healthier life for your children - thankfully we no longer live in times where a woman has to prove she has been beaten in order to leave a controlling, unhappy relationship. As Cumbria's comment shows - once upon a time a woman was a chattel, who had to put up with whatever came her way, and any man who was unable to control her, well - he was 'driven' to abuse her....what utter bollocks.

We are all responsible for our own behaviour, this man is continuing to abuse you even now - I think a major step towards ending this ongoing abuse would be to start to build your own confidence in yourself up - with counselling/ therapy/ whatever it takes. Know that you as an individual do not need his permission to move on - he is not going to suddenly 'see the light' Im afraid - but, I bet his abuse will stop when he realises it does'nt work anymore

Any wishing/ hoping that he will change is simply continuing to engage and allow him to control you - give up, you are a good person and no longer need to negotiate the terms of your life with him. End all contact, finalise the divorce, get a restraining order - put him in a position where he simply cannot ever contact you or know what you are thinking. Eventually, he will have to give up the abuse, because the law won't allow it.

Thank god in this country the law can protect you, do use it to it's full force. Women have fought for years for such rights, they are yours!

Thank you Waterrat.. I am trying hard to create a better life for the kids.. I get it wrong sometimes and I have been a horrid, unhappy mum at times.. my poor kids are still walking on eggshells at times because for years all they have known is snappy, sarcky, hungover, unhappy, argumentative mum.. makes me feel very sad. I try hard to make ammends but the guilt is still there about all sorts of things..
They don't want for anything, but they did not have happy, loving parents and if they did it was brief and then the arguments started again..
I cried myself to sleep for years, knew things were wrong, but felt powerless do to anything about it. After all what did I have to complain about.. big house, nice car, no money worries etc.. etc.. I can't wait to get out of this house and create a proper home for my kids.. my home, their home.. not a status symbol bought to impress the MIL.
I am going to look into therapy / counselling again...
Thank you for your kind words of support today everyone.. I feel stronger and much more positive... x

Cumbria: that he doesn;t like being dumped is no excuse. Everyone has the right to end a relationship and cut off all further contact with a former partner, if they want to. If you get dumped, you suck it up or take the consequences, which may well include restraining orders.
And constant harassment of a partner who has ended the relationship is not the behaviour of a good person. It's the behaviour of a pathetic, selfish, unpleasant loser who doesn't merit sympathy.

I have been keeping a keen eye on this thread as my XP has started all this since I ended our relationship about 6 weeks ago (inc. following ''the script'' to the letter - I've had all the guilt trips about access to baby, suicide threats, hysteric sobbing, pleading, blaming the break up on anything but his abusive behaviour, he wants us to be a family etc etc). On monday however, he stepped it up a notch and self harmed in front of our 7 month old DS (smashing his head repeatedly against the car interior when I said he was welcome to take the baby out but I didn't want to come.)

Reading this thread gave me the conviction to contact a solicitor who advised me to report the incident to the police which I have done today! Made me realise there is no sense in trying to pacify the situation by being amicable, he is too self-absorbed to care about anything but himself. I suspect he isn't even that interested in seeing his son, since he just uses the time to pester me about getting back together. ( I am still BF on demand so hard for XP to see DS without my being there).

The constant justifications for his aggressive behaviour are just laughable now I have removed myself from him emotionally!

I absolutely agree with SGB; it is no excuse! Those are his actions, he must take responsibility for them and suffer the consequences!!
If he cared about his DS and future contact with him, he would control himself, no matter how hurt he is. It just shows how selfish he is.
The irony of it is, XP says he is behaving aggressively because I broke up with him when it is actually the opposite way round. All he is doing now is reinforcing my decision! Then he tries to convince me we will all be a happy family if we get back together ?!
Knowing I have the law on my side makes me feel 100 times bigger than him, when he is so manipulative and makes me feel like I am being totally unreasonable.
Thank God for my friends and family, and of course MN!!

Hi circle.. I'm so glad that my post has enabled you to feel more confident about your decision.. it was reading posts here and seeing a friend end her marriage for the same reasons that I plucked up the courage to do it. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do...
My 'H' has not been violent and 'on paper' has been the 'model' H.. but emotionally it has been a nightmare.. well a nightmare for me. We did not get together for the best reasons.. I knew it was wrong for years, and I really do mean years ago.. but I stuck with it thinking I could make things better.
The constant pestering, texts and pity me calls etc are starting again now that we are going to mediation.. it's pathetic. I detached from him months ago.. I 'look' at him and think my god, are YOU my husband? not MY idea of a husband.. I was always told by him that I was lucky to have him, he was great, what a good man he was/is, you'll never be happy with anyone etc..etc..
I used to dream of being 'single' or not with him and wake up with a horrid feeling in the pit of my stomach, knowing that I should never have married him.. infact after we had been married only 3-4 weeks ( we have been together 18 years but only been for married 7?8? years), I was sitting alone in the kitchen of our old house and I asked him why he was like a certain way
(ie.. not sitting and chatting to me etc..) his reply was, "you married me, like it or lump it..".. says it all really doesn't it?
I am SO much happier without him.. Ok finances are going to be tight, I may have to sell up and move somewhere smaller, tighten my belt etc.. but anything is preferable to being with someone who makes my skin crawl and has behaved so appalling towards me in the name of love, because HE does not want any of this.
As you say manipulative, passive aggressive or aggressive and blaming everyone else. Well rid. You don't need this in your life and neither do I.
Take care.. I'm here if you need to talk. x

Have you got mediation booked? If not, I think you need to think about changing solicitors, as you are not getting any progress.

Sorry, but you need to divorce ASAP. You don't need to wait for 2 years, you can cite unreasonable behaviour. And unreasonable behaviour (in divorces) means behaviour that the petitioner (you) finds unreasonable, not that the respondant (him), the judge or anyone else finds unreasonable, just you.

So, get started and don't be swayed by him telling you a judge won't find the behaviour unreasonable because a) it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks and b) anyone with half a brain cell will find it unreasonable.

Once the divorce is through and the finances are settled, he won't be able to come into the house, as it will either be yours or will have been sold as part of the settlement.

Have you told your solicitor you want the restraining order?

Had first mediation session today.. but the 'antics' started last night... first of all phone calls, then texts, then at 8.20 this morning he calls my mobile to have 'a chat'...ignore, ignore, ignore.
When he arrived at the solicitors this afternoon, he said hello and kept asking me over and over again if I was alright until I gave him an answer..fgs. He started whispering to me to 'stop all this' and 'we can sort everything out'... I ignored him.
Even infront of the solicitor he started talking at me about completely innapropraite things , such as my daughters option choices... He wanted to 'chat' to me after the session, I said NO. Obviously didn't hear me as kept asking me to talk to him. Then as I walked away down the street he was shouting 'it doesn't have to be like this' at me.. good god.
So tonight, 4 calls to the house, 2 texts and 3 calls to mobile. I made the mistake of answering the phone, he got the reaction he wanted.. me being angry at him. I had to shout at him that if he did not stop calling me or the house I would call the police and get a restraining order on him, still hasn't stopped him calling my mobile.
I'm calling my solicitor tommorrow.
What did SGB say.. oh yes..fucking wanker and a total waste of oxygen.

Yes, get the restraining order sorted. Nothing else is going to work.

If you aren't already, make a log of all the calls, texts, doorstep visits etc.
Save the texts.
This will help you with cold, hard evidence of harassment, even if he tries to put a different spin on it.

I am in Scotland, so different legal situation but you can prevent him coming to house, I did. Plus, you can block phone calls to landlines/mobiles easily and I found the providers really understanding and helpful.

I also asked Women's Aid for advice and they also pointed me towards helpful lawyers. If you take control you will feel much stronger, and your DCS will be so much happier. I too, was reluctant to do this but it was the right thing to do, for all of us (including my XH)

Fluxy3 - I have been lurking on your thread for a while.

When I read your story I see that you are waiting and wanting your soon to be ex to see reason. However, I dont think he is going to. I dont think he is bad, I think he is a little bit mad. Each time you engage with him in 'couple' activities even if they are negative such as arguing it is feeding this madness. His obsessive behaviour could become dangerous.

For your sake, his sake and your children's sake you need to put legal barriers in place to show him that this behaviour is not normal.

Please do this, I dont want to frighten you, but I dont want to see your house pictured on the news with crime scene tape round it.

As Bart Simpson would say - he is a waste of socks. Dont waste your life on him.

Time to stop fannying around now and get the restraining order. This is harassment end of.

i feel really depressed reading this. My ex turned up banging on my door drunk at 6.30am the other day, all in the name of a broken heart. Reading through the posts I can see that my problem is that I haven't detached. I still have huge guilt for being the one to end the relationship, break up the family etc even though it was his crazy, awful behavior that forced me to. He knows exactly what to say to get to me..how do i get to the point where I can see through his empty words??? It's been a year since we separated...he climbed into my bed the other morning, pissed. I told him to get out of my bed and he ignored me saying it was his bed as he'd paid for it! I'm on my own with four children with no financial support from him..he's lovely one minute telling me how much he loves me, how lost he is and then when I don't respond in the way he wants he turns nasty calling me names, telling me I'll never be happy etc etc..the phone calls then start and hours of emotional talking, crying etc. I know I shouldn't engage but I don't know how to make the break as he makes me feel so guilty that he's not living with the children...if I ignore the phone he threatens to come round..I live in a very quiet little cul de sac and don't want a scene. god, I sound absolutely pathetic don't I!!! I know I haven't fully let go yet.,..how do I get to the point where i can stop engaging with him and toughen up?

Meandmyfour, give Women's Aid a ring. They will help you both on a practical level and in terms of sympathy and support. Please understand that you do not have to have this man in your house and if he climbs into your bed you can call the police to remove him.
Remember that you dumped him because of HIS BAD BEHAVIOUR so it's his fault he's dumped. Now you need restraining orders, new locks that he does not have a key for, etc. DOn't waste time waiting and hoping for him to change into a reasonable human being. He's just a wanker and you need to keep him at a distance.

OP, your lawyer is useless. Not all lawyers are born equal, you are their employer, so if they are not doing their job properly, you should fire them and find another one. Please phone WA and ask them to put you in touch with a lawyer who will fight your corner adequately. You need to draw the strong legal boundaries that SGB keeps suggesting, and arrange 3rd party hand over of kids before anything can get better. Abusers are not reasonable, mediation wont work, he'll just use it to get under your skin, as evidenced by his behaviour at your first session.

I would also strongly advise that you attend counselling for yourself, and when the boundaries are drawn and you have the opportunity to achieve a little tranquility, family therapy for you and the kids. You all clearly have a lot to sort out after living with his abuse, manipulation and harassment, a professional will help.

But please listen to me when I tell you that in all the 5 years I have been reading and posting on MN EA abuse threads, not once has one of these bastards ever stopped their abusive behaviour without firm fucking boundaries. Neither you nor your lawyer seems to be able to give him that, so you need to find a lawyer who will stand up for you, and look into how you can deal with his current and past EA with a counsellor (preferably one suggested by WA) before anything can get better.

I know it seems like a lot to sort out, but you can do it. One big push, and I promise you that things will get a whole lot easier.

Fluxy
I do understand your reluctance to involve the police / legal steps, and your hopes that somehow he will start accepting things at some point, and start acting like a resonable human being... I've been in that position. But it's not going to happen.

Even with the police involved, my ex still hasn't given up entirely, he has been in court, been charged again, and is still breaching bail conditions - but things are better than they were, and I know that it is only by remaining firm and reporting everything he does, that eventually it will stop. Or he will end up in prison.

Because he is on probation, I have a Safety Officer - she advised me that in cases of Domestic Abuse mediation would never be recommended - it's just another chance to experience abuse.

The police told me that you can report harassment for just 1 text / call etc if you have told someone not to contact you. Have you asked if the police have a unit dealing specifically with domestic abuse - they will be far more helpful, understanding and aware.

He's had more than enough opportunity to behave reasonably - show him you mean what you say by getting the appropriate legal protection in order - that's what it's there fore... then if he still ignores it, he will face the consequences of his actions.