H refuses to accept it is over..

[fluxy3]

Separated from H, he is refusing to accept the marriage is over. For the past 6-7 months he has pestered, phoned, texted, emailed, harrassed me it goes on and on and on....
Much of this has gone on in front of the children who are now very distressed by everything. I have tried SO hard to remain calm and be firm with him, but he WILL NOT 'let go'.
He moved into his mothers house for the most of the summer, but since October has his own flat... he maintains that that is not his home and that he can come and go as he pleases. He has frequently been in when I have been at work , eaten my food, used the computer and left me 'notes and letters' on my bed..
I have been to a solicitor to get advice and a letter was sent asking him to stick to certain request, eg, not coming into the house to collect the children, then asking them to go away while daddy 'talks' to mummy. I would collect and drop off the children to him, he isn't to text or call unless it is about the children etc..etc.. he ignored the letter and carried on, causing even more upset and distress.
The children get very upset when he turns up without notice or very early as they anticpate 'the usual'.. which is him closing doors behind him so that I cannot get out of a room, going on and on and on at me about how much he loves me, how he doesn't understand how we 'got here', that he will not give up etc.. etc.. he also refuses to leave the house and the my little boy frequently asks him to please just go..
He refuses to accept that his behaviour is really damaging the children and that when he eventually leaves the house, I am the one who has to deal with the crying, anger and occassional display of violence from one of my daughters.
I have called WA a few times for advice and was shocked that they told me... I was adivised to go the police, which I did just before christmas. They visited him and spoke to him, he has just ignored their advice about leaving me alone and how he could be arrested for harrassement. he laughs at this as he legally has the right to come into the home.. the children shout this at me.. they have picked up on conversations and some of the things one daughter says to me can only have come from other adults..
To make matters worse, one of my children was told about the police talking to him, probably from his mother, as he called her and she was with her at the time...I delayed them visiting him to avoid them finding out...
He is making my life hell... I work full time, am trying hard to keep it together for the kids, but am struggling to cope emotionally, I'm stressed, scared stupid for the children's wellbeing and feel completely powerless.
Please.. has anyone else had to deal with anything like this? My friends and family ( all up north...) just can't understand it and are probanbly quite sick of me going on about things... I'm SO worried about my little boy, my 2 daughters and how he is manipulating them... he gets them to call and text me when I am out, gets them to tell him about what mum is doin... it's just awful... all I wanted to do was get out of a marriage that I have been unhappy in for years...my lightbulb moment came @3 years ago..he's definitely EA and is a classic 'water torturer' (without the violence) if you have read Lundy Bancroft.
My girls think this is 'love'... and mummy is the bad person....
I could write so much more, but am crying now...
Thanks for reading.x

Thanks for the replies...I'm calling the solicitor on monday to arrange a meeting and discuss the letter from his solicitor. He's been round today.. got the kids to let him in. Had the usual from him, including this lovely little quote.."don't know why you can't talk to me.. you talk to everyone else and they don't know you like I do..."
His persistant bugging me and not accepting his that the marriage is over is so tiring.
He tried to get into the house tonight, but I refused to let him in.. he then stood knocking on the door for 5 minutes until I relented.. not before asking the kids not to start shouting at me or him... he told me that the girls had told I had got a letter from his solicitor.. I haven't said anything to them, but they may have heard me talking to my mum about it. As usual he says he doesn't want this, can we fix everything etc..etc..It's always about him.
I have told him I am not interested in what he wants and that the letter from the solicitor made things very clear to me..I did not want to talk to him and I was shutting the door. Which i did.
So far this evening I've had 2-3 texts and he's sending me pictures of the girls eating pizza with the caption, I wish you were here with us.. oh god, is this man ever going to get the message.. surely this is not normal behaviour?
A male friend told me that when his wife decided their marriage was over, 'he hassled her' for 3 WEEKS then realised it was over and respected her decision.. I was shocked.. I thought he was going to say 4-5 months.. I've had this now for 7 months...
I am considering rented accomodation.. but will check with my solicitor first...

Next time he turns up at the doorstep when he is not collecting the dc phone the police and report him for trying to break in.

It is not his home anymore even if his name is on the mortgage/deeds and he is threatening you.

Seriously, if you move, the hassle will move with you. You could end up falling foul of the landlord, and being asked to leave.

Possession order/Non-molestation order in your own home, a court order demanding he stay at least 500m away from you.

Contact centre for the DC, supervised by a third party.

Look into charging him with harassment, that is a criminal offence. A repeat of the door banging, please call the police. Every. Time.

BTW, I know you mentioned up thread that your girls have new phones and you couldn't change the numbers. I'm betting you can if you tell them they are getting nuisance calls (lay it on thick) and they'll swap numbers for you.

I hope you have lots of RL help for this, you are going to need it.

So sorry for you.

normal for some....even after nearly 3 years (it waxes and wanes) eg the pictures "we should all be together"...

renting - i think you can solve eht e"his" house issue thru non mol order/chaginnig locks.

even if your ent - if kids are letting him in then it wont go away.

i think - change locks, applys for non mol order and stop ahving kids picked upa t house. more hassle for you - but it will be the only way. have them picked up down the road or at friends or public place. eg if there is cafe down the road than you take them there to wait for him.

i know exactly the scenario fo the knockling on door pleading - and there were times i gave in too...if he is not picking up kids then ignore ignore - and if he persists call police.

if it for picking up kids - then tell kids and tell him - form now on handover down the road. not at the house. to avoid the chats...
pick up well away from the house.

HIt this man with every injunction under the sun, and call the police on him every time he tries to get into your home. He is not entitled to harass you like this, and if he carries on, in breach of court orders, he will be sent to prison.
THere is no point in trying to be reasonable when dealing with a bullying arsehole. YOu dumped him. You did the right thing in doing so, now you need to cut him out of your life legally, which means banning him from the house and banning him from contacting you except for necessary emails aobut the DC.

Hope you've had a productive day at the solicitors today and you are taking steps to protect your family and prevent him from abusing you all further.

Tell anyne and everone who asks the truth and invite your mum down to saty indefinite is poss to helo with the stress.

Phone WA for some more rl help.

I contacted the solicitor today...spoke to her briefly and said I was very upset by some of the things in the letter..
I am unable to go the office to speak to her and to also keep the costs down she has asked me to email her with a list of all the things I am unhappy about, what he has been doing and what I want to happen next.
She will then draft a letter so that I can check and read it and then we shall wait and see...
I got an email from him today... a little threatening I felt, but I could just be 'looking' for things.I've forwarded to work so that I can print it off ( mine playing up..)
Thank you all for your support... x

He's upping the ante because you're almost free of him and this is what controlling men are most afraid of. Whenever he's giving you a hard time, just remember that he is afraid of you as well as angry. You're taking control away from him. Of course, this makes him more dangerous to you and the children right now.
You must get legally enforcable boundaries in place with regards to maintenence, access to the children and the family home otherwise this will keep going on. It's his way to keep engaging with you. He won't magically see sense and stop. He can't.
I can understand that after being dominated by this knob for so long, it's hard to push back and take control back, but you must if you ever want to be free of him.
You're going to have to get much more calmly assertive with your ex and your solicitor. Make getting Womens Aid on board today's top priority. They have years of experience helping women just like you break free.

Why is he checking your emails/phone. At the very least put a lock on them change passwords and dont have them remembered on your pc. Cant you password your account on your pc (realise your DC's will probably have access to it so cant passsword whole pc. I realise changing the locks wont stop the DC's letting him in but still do it

You need to call the National Centre for Domestic Violence on 0844 8044 999 now. They will arrange a free emergency injunction within 24 hours.

Your solicitor is not understanding the severity of this situation. I also think you should phone the police and Women's Aid. He cannot behave this way and I agree with the others about the escalation.

I had a similar situation with my 13 yr old dd. She was very angry when her dad left for soemone else and the obvious person to vent that anger at was me! She kept pestering to go an dlive with her Dad and although at first I kept saying no in the end I agreed (although they had already decided she wouldn't come back after the christmas visit!) I then left them to get on with it, I spoke to her every day with no pressure and kept it all very cheery and always finished a call with I love you.

Lo and behold 2 weeks later I get a call at work to say I needed to get her now she had had a massive fight with her dad which had lasted all night and I needed to go and get her (Another story but fight resulted in her with a broken hand and having to have surgery)

This was over a year ago, she has seen her Dad twice since and has realised that life with Mum isn't so bad after all.

It was a risky startegy but to be honest I was so worn down with the constant fighting and nastiness I had no choice.

I also suspect ex has been int the hosue when I am not there buit cannot prove that.

If the marriage is over, why have you not commenced divorce proceedings? (Or perhaps you have?) If so, where are you at?

1. Commence divorce proceedings on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour.

2. Apply for ancillary relief (the financial part of divorce).

I think you need to end your joint life with this man. He sounds awful.

Good luck.

Hi fluxy3....my background story is so similar to yours. Like you he says it is my fault that we are where we are today and that he is only behaving like this because he loves me so much! He says he is in a dark place just like your husband! My thread is "crap wife - good mother " and "urgent help needed - when is enough enough".

Only just realized what I have been suffering has a name EA! Thought my marriage was normal!!!

Well mine is not and yours is not. Stay strong as you are doing the right thing. My h due to move out soon so I expect like your story things will get worse for me too.....

We are not in the wrong - we have to be strong for our 3 children and for ourselves but it really is a head f**k so I send you all a big cuddle x

Hi.. a quick update in everything that has been going on.. sitting at home ATM as I really can't face going into work..
Can't believe it is March and things are still not sorted..
Thankfully the hassling me at the front door about the kids has wained.. I now drop them off at his flat or he picks them up from school.
Mediation process is about to start regarding finances and the children. Although he cancelled Mondays appt. at very short notice and has started doing the calling the home phone to 'have a chat' routine again.
He stopped all direct debits relating to the house early february and has refused to give me any money for the children as, and I quote " you have never contributed towards the mortgage so this can be your contribution" Lovely.
The children are picking up on my stress and yesterday I had a complete meltdown with one of my daughters where I really shouted at her.. wrong, but god, she tests me with her attitude and unpleasantness. It doesn't help the situation that HE keeps calling the children to find out what I am doing etc..
I had my sister, BIL and niece here for the weekend.. he left me alone, but within 30 mins of being home ( without them here) he was at the door wanting to 'chat' to me and see the children. I would not let him in, so he stood outside the house for 10 minutes.. then the phone calls and texts started.
He is still asking, "why are you doing this to me"? and "what did I do to deserve this"? and the best one... "do you realise what you are doing to me and how nuch this is hurting me"?. he even tried to condone his aggressive behaviour towards my girls by saying that "you're a fine one to talk... you are destroying my family.." Beggars belief.
Anyway, sorry for long rant, feeling quite 'down' and guilty and lonely and tired with his constant hassling and persistance.
Went to the doctors yesterday in the hope that he might give me something to 'pick me up' refused. Gave me sleeping tablets. Said I wasn't depressed and to try to do something to relieve the stress... Am probably not depressed, but do feel very 'low'...
It will get better won't it? I feel so wretched some days, but there is NO WAY I will ever go back to this man after what he has put me through over the past few months....
Thanks for 'listening'.. x

Have you spoken to the police about a restraining order against him?

Hi,thanks for replying.. no I haven't.. not sure that it will 'help' the situation to be honest... have thought about it though.
I can't imagine spending the rest of life with this.. I just wish he would accept it's over and try to be amicable/reasonable/think of the children....

He won't, though, and he doesn't care about the childrens' feelings - he's showing it every day.

Believe me, the time for legal action was long ago - it is the only thing that will do the job you require. The reason for this? He does not see you as having any authority to direct the path that your futures will take. He sees you as a disobedient possession. He is not reasonable. That isn't going to change - if you think about the way his mind must actually work for him to have taken this attitude for so long, you will see this.

My friend lived like this for 2 years, trying to break away from her H whilst treating him like a normal, reasonable person - the softly softly approach, coupled with being genrally apprehensive about antagonising him. It didn't work, she finally got an Occupation order and a non mol. That worked. The man who 'never took no for an answer' suddenly realised, in court, that he didn't get the final say over someone else's life. Her only regret is taking so long in doing this, as she says the only casualty of the delay was her mental health and that of the children.

Just take all evidence of his harrassment and abuse to a solicitor and get a restraining order. You need to send a clear message that you will call in the big guns in order to not take any more of his shit. It's the ONLY thing that works. You can do it - my friend is generally very passive, and she found it hard but is now just DELIGHTED that she found the strength to do it. Her situation is much better, the non mol has been lifted, but it served its purpose in letting him know he was NOT in charge any more. They are divorcing. When he recently started up with some nonsense (refusing to let her speak to their upset son on access time until she had 'heard him out') she immediately went back to the police and got them to warn him that any more harrassment would get the order back in force and threaten his job. Not a peep since.

Good luck!!

"He is still asking, "why are you doing this to me"? and "what did I do to deserve this"? and the best one... "do you realise what you are doing to me and how nuch this is hurting me"?. he even tried to condone his aggressive behaviour towards my girls by saying that "you're a fine one to talk... you are destroying my family.." Beggars belief."

ah it follows a script. heard it all here

shouty is right.

leagal action only way.

I agree that you are waiting for him to come to a rational conclusion when his behaviour is not really about rationality. Its not continuing because he wont accept its over, its continuing because its his way of abusing you and making your life a misery. He will continue to do it to prove he can - i suggest you take a very clear legal route to stop it, rather than wait for him to change. He may continue to abuse you for years if you let him.

You do have the power to stop this. Well done for getting so far, you have been amazingly brave- your children will see clearly as they get older that you have been protecting them. There is a life ahead for you free of this man, really there is. Take those steps to end all chance for him to continue the abuse.

As the others have said, there is no chance of this man listening to you or behaving reasonably of his own free will. You need to get all the injunctions in place and stop all contact with him. ANd if he breaches the orders and ends up in prison it will be his fault. Because you are not property and he has no right to any contact with you whatsoever, and he can be forcibly made to abide by this. It's not up to him to choose what happens.

Thank you, thank you... I feel supported and not alone here..
I feel as though I'm swimmimg in treacle some days.. constantly questioning my decision to end the marriage, was it really that bad? He didn't hit me, stop me from doing things, was attentive with flowers and gifts and did things around the house... BUT.. if it was that great why did I want to end it? He always told me that it didn't matter what HE did I would never be happy..he also once told me that it wouldn't matter what I did, he would never be able to believe or trust me and my emotions.
I ended it because he was emotionally abusive, distant, cold, passive aggressive, 'dangling carrots' of hope that things would change in front of me,
glued to his mother, blamed me for any problems, made me think that there was something wrong with me, watched me cry and cry and did nothing... the list goes on and on..
I am a strong person, but the damage has been done to my self esteem and confidence.. I have thought long and hard about all my past relationships and there is a pattern. Might be time for some work on me to undo the negative thought patterns I have learned..
I often think that people don't like me, that I am in some way bad or not 'nice' and am very wary of being sociable or making plans with anyone other than 1-2 very close friends because I know that he hasn't 'got' to them or that they have not seen me with him and how unhappy I was... they heard how unhappy I was for years.. he tried to 'get to me' the other day whilst mocking me about contacting my family. He said that when he spoke to my father it was ' a revelation and very interesting' implying what? I spoke to my dad about this... the H was just once again trying to 'scare' me?? worry me, I don't know.. but it was bull. This is his typical behaviour.
Sorry ranting again.. I keep remembering things and have to get them out.. things that were long forgotten come to the surface and I get angry with myself for staying and trusting and believing for so long that this is normal..It's not.
Thank you all again. x

'...the list goes on and on'

Exactly!

You've done PRECISELY the right thing getting out of a marriage that wasn't working for you. That's brilliant.

Then you go on to analyse, very astutely, some concrete reasons why your esteem is rock bottom, and thus why this process is so riven with doubt for you.

You are clearly emotionally intelligent, you sound lovely, but DEFINITELY right now floundering quite a lot, because you're still fighting against this enemy. It's perfectly logical that you'll feel like this.

My friend was the same. He had her doubting herself for their entire relationship, it's simply the way he operated and the status quo he liked to keep. So he tried to keep it after they split, too, because he wanted to be in control of her and the children and didn't see why he couldn't. Because he was a nasty abusive nutcase!

It's an exhausting fight. Please, do as my friend did and get the big guns out (police, DV, solicitor) to do some of the work and knock all this nonsense on the head. Because that's what it is - just nonsense, a strutting little cockerel of a man making a big fuss which can, actually, be slapped down quite easily. That's exactly what that set of orders are there to do. I'm sure it will help you mentally too. My friend constantly asked 'Is this really harrassment - I mean he's not saying he's going to kill me is he?' - Err, yes it is! The legal process helped her validate that he was, officially, the bad one.

When he next comes out with something like the comment on speaking to your family, try and show that you're onto the manipulation, something like 'Oh do be quiet (ALWAYS a good one - polite, but soooo disdainful!) - you sound like a ten year old trying to stir up a bit of mystery! Ooooh, I WONDER what my family said about me! Oooh, I'm sooo curious now! As SOOOON as you're gone, I'll be on the phone - not.'

You'll get there. Solicitor - TODAY! Don't put it off.

"My friend constantly asked 'Is this really harrassment - I mean he's not saying he's going to kill me is he?' - Err, yes it is! The legal process helped her validate that he was, officially, the bad one."

Yup.. this is me...

"He had her doubting herself for their entire relationship, it's simply the way he operated and the status quo he liked to keep. So he tried to keep it after they split, too, because he wanted to be in control of her and the children and didn't see why he couldn't. Because he was a nasty abusive nutcase!"

Yup.. and this rings true too..

Not very MN.. but big hug and thank you. I will get there... x

You will!! A hug right back :)

Also - if this is relevant. The wider family: going 'legal' really helped here too for my friend, because then no matter how much he painted her as the unreasonable one destroying everyone's lives, once the occ order and non-mol were granted, his stories rather lost the gloss. His sisters ended up getting in touch THEMSELVES with my friend to get the real story (they were very much 'we will help you get through this as a couple' kind of interfering before) -they knew occ orders weren't handed out on a whim! This also helped take the wind out of his sails as his real behaviour was exposed.

'My wife is splitting our marriage for nothing, I'm the perfect husband... but oh yes actually she has been granted a restraining order against me...' - errr yes mate you sound exactly like the husband everyone would love to have - hmm, must dash...'

!! :)

I feel really sorry for him actually. I don't think he is a bad or evil person, I think he is really really hurting and has been driven to this behaviour through this. No doubt he will look back in time and realise how inappropriate he has been.

That's not to say I don't feel for you; I do. It must be hugely difficult, not to mention distressing for the children and i am not sure what the solution is.

But I do feel sorry for your husband.