Desperate. Dh sex addiction.

[torninpieces]

namechange test

Greta idea. Night night.

Sorry OP

no, not "assassination", "assessment"

I think it would be suicidal, tbh though

not one of my better ideas

LMHM...now lemme fink

she is very brave and shouts out for the underdog, she is terribly patriotic and is bringing her ds up to be very respectful of women

night night from me too

I have work early and no time to get ready for a NYE party afterwards so have to start to trowel on the makeup get myself beautiful before I set off at 6am

this isn't helping my beauty sleep x

OP, hope you are ok and sorry for hijacking

this often happens when a thread goes quiet, and I wonder what the OPs think...it's not meant to be disrespectful

Oh bless you AF, you have me welling up now...

Bet you are FABULOUS anyway...

Nighty-night all!

Actually, most counsellors DON'T have the skills to counsel about this particular addiction, or the effects of it, on a non-addicted partner. In my first post on this thread, I mentioned this organisation which you might find more helpful OP, than a generic counsellor. Good luck.

The person I'm meant to be seeing (but haven't heard back from) is from that organisation, wwifn. Thanks.
Sorry I haven't been on much, I go through waves of can't stop talking, and being a bit numb/ silent, which is how I am atm.
I am reading all the replies though.
As I thought, my resolve slips when he's here. I'm feeling drawn in to his stuff, talking through what's going on for him, etc.
It's coming from me, it's not that he's expecting it, but, like you said, AF, it's an unhelpful pattern that's gone on too long.
Shit. I'm so bored of this.

Agree he sounds selfish. Presume he just doesn't love you enough , sadly. He won't change.

Am alarmed someone in the health care world as moondog is sees nothing in " disorders complexes or addiction' !!!

I'm really pleased you've gone to them, torn.

I think the emotions you describe are perfectly normal. I expect you wake up every morning and hope that this was all just a bad dream. I also quite understand why you want to talk at some times and not others.

Be guided by what feels right for you, but I do think some distance from your H will help you, because like you so eloquently explained, you went from a great place to the pits of despair in a matter of seconds. You cannot therefore feel detached from him, because you love him deeply and can empathise with his own sorrow and pain. However, the truth is that this is going to stop you focusing on your own pain and what you need in the future.

Either through the counselling or a search online, have you thought about trying to find a support group for partners? Also, there have certainly been posters who have been in your position and I'm sad that they haven't joined your thread or that they might have left Mumsnet or name-changed, but it might be worth starting a new thread inviting those posters only to PM you, so that you can form an online support group.

It seems to me that you need an outlet for yourself and that in addition to the counselling, you are able to talk to people who have suffered the same kind of deception.

Thinking of you. Post only when you feel up to it. Put your needs first.

Dh has gone. I hate this. I just want him home and to feel safe and happy and trust him and I know I can't have it
I'm not strong anymore. I don't want to be. I just want my life back.
It feels so fucking unfair. I'm nothing special, why do I get the child with special needs and the sex addict husband.

Shit that sounds awful. I LOVE my ds, but it's another 'Remind me when I signed up for THIS again?' And he's hard work, and angry with me because I'm not as happy and helpful as usual.

And whoever said I intellectualise too much; spot on. I can't even let myself howl and rage, I'm too sodding rational; it's just life, I'll learn from it, lots of people worse off, even' it's an addiction, he can't help it'.

Talk me out of calling him and saying 'come home'

Don't do it! You're spot on: you want to feel safe and happy and trust him and you know you can't have it. I'm so very sorry for you.

Since you're an intellectualiser (takes one to know one!), how about finding yourself something to read about bereavement and grief? What you're feeling is the very real grief for the death of your dreams - the safe, happy, trusting relationship we all want and strive towards. Your marriage was not what you hoped for and worked for. That's a heart-rending truth. Grieve.

I think you could do with some healthy reminders about focusing on yourself, your children, and about taking loving care of your self. First, allow the grief.

Thinking of you.

Thanks, Grace.

Don't ask him to come home torn. You need space and distance, because your instincts will be to make this all better for him. Only he can help himself now, not you.

Have you heard back from BASRT yet? Tricky time of year, I know.

BTW, it's perfectly understandable that you feel cheated by life at the moment. You've been thrown a couple of horrible curve balls in life and it's understandable that you feel angry. Would writing a journal help? As a fellow intellectualiser writing has always helped me.

I know you're right, wwifn. I really miss him, but I need to get enough of a sense of self without him that I can make good choices. Atm I'm feeling like la-la-laing with my fingers in my ears.

No, not heard back yet, didn't like to call over the weekend but will do tomorrow. Don't have an email address for him, unfortunately. I'm very ready to talk about this with someone who doesn't know us now, I'm feeling a bit impatient to get on with it, but there are apparently not many people specializing in this, and I think the wrong counsellor could do more harm than good, tbh.

Writing might be good. Thank you.