Desperate. Dh sex addiction.

[torninpieces]

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To be fair, he is now not blaming me in any way, after an early bit of 'you didn't want to do what I did/ sex was sometimes routine', which I was so not having as any kind of excuse.
He is now seemingly taking very full responsibility for the past and future.

Torn; I always suspected that my H went with other women, he was openly controlling in his behaviour towards me so I was so busy dealing with that I didn't have time to consider what else he was doing when he wasn't at home.

When he died I discovered

Photos of a holiday he took with his ExW, whilst I stayed at home sick and our 6 year old DD had to look after me.

His membership on the computer to numerous marrital dating sites and evidence of him meeting up with various women

A diary entry from a holiday he took in europe with details of a wild night with prostitute

Not long before he died he attempted to move into our house a young woman we knew, a part time burlesque dancer of all things( he died of cancer and it was more than likely on his brain; I put this final 'episode'partly down to the illness )

The realisation for me was that I never drew the boundries for myself and what I required in the first place. I knew all along really and turned a blind eye. This was not what I wanted from an intimate relationship; I want to be exclusive to whomever I am with, I don't want them fucking about all over the place.

I look back now and think what a sad and sorry character my H was, he needed something other than intimate love with one person. It wasn't for me.

Your response should be to really think about what you need from your DP/DH longterm as my guess is no amount of 'treatment' will 'sort' him out as peoples desires are usually very deep seated

what a sad thread. op i am sorry you are going through this. i know a married men who i believe will eventually end up like this (it was the close up photos which reminded me of this person) to the few people aware of his behaviour he will make every excuse in the book as to why his actions are justified (the dw and i are like siblings/i cant imagine life without her but we dont have much sex/im bored/etc etc). he started with affairs but moved on to 'safer' avenues like extra marital dating sites/sex workers because the affairs were too risky for getting caught.

what makes me so sad about these men is that while they were out there thrill seeking and convincing themselves that they required this level of 'excitement', what were the wives/partners doing? - probably working/ child care/household tasks/ordinary things like that

thank you, merry. I'm in such a state it's hard for me to even think clearly, but I know that MY journey will have to be about myself and what I want, separaate from him.
What a shock for you. And no way even to ask the questions.
How are you now? Can you trust people/ are you happy?

God yes sungirltan. I was at home with 3 children, one who has autism. I think I'm too numb even to have reached real anger yet.

yes quite torninpieces. along with being totally horrified about it all, this would be what killed it for me, that he felt that he had the right to go and spend all this time and MONEY on emptying his balls into strangers whilst you did a very challenging role, alone.

yes all that. no way would he have taken hours off work and spent 100s of £s at a time for me

Thanks Torn, I am with a man who I have loved for years, neither of us was ever in the right place at the right time but now we are. I trust him and feel I can trust my instinct which was right regarding my H.

DP wants to make love, has never done 'shagging' and I have known him for more than half my lifetime - he is a decent, normal man and thats exactly what I am content with, which for me is the path to happiness. I was very, very unhappy in my marriage.

if I'd seen another woman writing this and then bleating 'but I love him' I'd have shaken my head sadly. But I do. I need him to move out for a while because I still want to be in his arms to take the pain away. I can't get sorted while he's here

I know. He didn't think of us at all. This is so new for me though. I was so happy and loved him for so long. I didn't think he was particularly bi, not really. He never seemed very interested in men. He still says he's not bi. It was more about the 'extreme' nature of the sex, the excitement. Bollocks to that.

Am going off line for tonight. He is coming back in a little while from staying with his mum for a couple of days, which has been lovely, to have the house to myself. Thanks so much. Will doubtless be back tomorrow.

Don't ever feel guilty for trusting someone OP. I know a lot of people beat themselves up about infidelity after discovery and kick themselves for missing the clues, but in most healthy relationships, the trust default is enormous and is how it should be.

I am curious about how infidelity with male partners was somehow more tolerable to you and bemused that he didn't even see it as infidelity. Given what he has also said about having a barrier to emotional affairs, it seems that he frames infidelity as only being of note, if there are feelings involved.

I imagine you take a rather different view?

Torn, also at the lack of time and £ for you, and at the seeming lack of ability to withstand the inevitable boredom of some parts of a life with children especially those with SN.

Hope all goes ok tonight. Think it's great you've enjoyed alone time.

nope, no matter which way up I look at this

no matter how I try to understand how a man could act like this

no matter how I try to understand how you could still love someone who did this to you

I just could not ever visualise being ever happy again with someone who places such little regard on everyone else's feelings except his own, and his own "needs"

I don't give a toss about your previous consensual sexual history, it has no bearing, apart from I guess giving us the early clue that this man may never be satisfied (not physically, but emotionally) with one person/without the excitement of deceit and lies

he took close-up photos of him shagging women on the game ? women who may/may not be in dire social circumstances ?

he knew there was a reasonable chance of you seeing them ?

he put your health at risk, without a thought, to service his "needs"

your relationship with this man is always going to be about his needs

how can you possibly look at a person like that and see him as remotely "loveable"

I could not, and would not

Once again AF, you've hit the bullseye.
I don't see how there is any way back from such huge betrayal.

one man is not worth this

he is not worth this

I just couldn't do it, and could never understand someone who would

for this one man ??

no way

he is getting "help" apparently

but it's always going to be about him isn't it

I am not sure how I could get over my sheer skin-crawling revulsion, tbh

and my sheer rage at "what about me ?" "why do we all have to go through so much pain because of your inability to moderate your obviously-escalating "addiction"..."

a family man acting like this?

he doesn't deserve his family, simple as

he would be on his own cradling his "addiction" and his photos and his "needs" that he placed above everything and everyone else, finding out that it won't keep you warm at night and one day you will be an old man still paying young women for illicit sex (when once he had a loving wife and family willing to take care of those things with him)

I wonder if any of these thoughts are going through his head ?

AF and WWIFN say it for me.

What strikes me is that many men who cheat on their wives trot out with the truck load of crap that 'I needed more, she didn't fulfil all my needs etc'

I think I understand torn when you say that you never thought this would happen to you.

Anyone knowing you both on paper would say the same, you get to fulfil each other's happiness and enjoy exploration together. What man in his right mind would be dumb enough to risk a wife as supportive, honest and open as you.

And there's the rub I suppose, he IS dumb enough to not know where his bread is best buttered.

This is not his libido getting out of hand, this is him systematically cheating on you, for years. Lying and carrying on in the highest risk sexual activities there are, all without a thought for you or your family.

Add to this paying for it. To me it would be utterly non-negotiable.

I think you need to tell him you need some time on your own, more time. he needs to move out for a while and you need to get some talking/support help.

When X and I broke up I was full of regret for the loss of a shared life - all those touchstones, shared history, places (I am very fond of places), just the whole life thing. In many ways I loved him. But as time has gone on I can see that I can feel a certain kind of love for him, and that the loss of all the other stuff was painful, yes, but actually not as bad as I thought it would be. Once the heart had gone out of things all the rest of it just seeped away, and I realised that what had given me joy in our relationship just wasn't going to any more.

He was my best friend and I didn't think I could replace that. But I did, and more quickly and easily than I had ever thought possible.

I'm just saying that what might seem impossible from where you stand, with all the weight of a shared life behind you, can be much easier than you think if you rid yourself of the baggage of your previous expectations of the life you have shared.

Yes, everyone, I know the OP's dh has already done this all by himself - just that the faster torn can fully accept that those previous expectations of a life together are now completely null and void - and that whatever relationship she has with dh from now on starts from a tabula rasa - the easier it will be to freely assess what is best for her.

melezka, when you wrote: "Once the heart had gone out of things all the rest of it just seeped away, and I realised that what had given me joy in our relationship just wasn't going to any more."
That just sums up things perfectly, I think. It's often the way that we will put up with IMMENSE amounts of crap from people we think are irreplaceable. The fact is, no-one is. No-one is worth debasing yourself for at all, but especially, especially not this man, OP. No matter how much you love him.