Desperate. Dh sex addiction.

[torninpieces]

namechange test

or is it lost for words

what LM said in follow up to my post

also...

people bang on with their own personal crusade rather than listen to the pain the op is in and respond to that

I have listened to the pain the OP is in, have concluded it is entirely and directly caused by the behaviour of her husband and I have responded to that

violet, because you do not agree with my response does not mean it is not a valid one and that it does not follow the "rules" as you see fit to detail in your post

spit it out, TD, come on you can do it

I also accept the effects of all addictions are numerous and wide ranging

but I think we have a sliding scale here

and are also not comparing like with like when looking at addictions individually

but, again, I guess it does depend on whether you accept a "sex addiction" is a valid reason for this bloke's escalating and damaging sexual behaviour

I do not

AnyFucker- I could have bet a £million that you would respond exactly as you have!
If you re-read my post, you will see that I talk about scale . I try to show that tucking into too much food or too much booze- when your brain is saying it is unhealthy, but you cannot control your desire for that mince pie or wine- is an example of how you, or anyone, is not in full control of their behaviour. And it does have consequences.

For example, 25% of the population is obese, diabetes is escalating, the cost to families in terms of ill health ( cancer and CHD all linked to being overweight) is enormous- and all because people cannot control what they put into their mouths. Ok, it's not sexual infidelity but it is behaviour that results from a lack of self control.

Sexual appetite, desiring a thrill from using prostitutes, whatever, is another form of appetite that some people cannot resist.

No one is saying they are identical but I don't believe you cannot see that they are both examples of someone giving in to behaviour that is destructive?

I take issue with your addictive and compulsive behaviour does not exist- or as someone said they "don't do it".

That's a very flippant and rather shallow way of dismissing what is in fact very common human behaviour.

So far, the OP's DH has got a thrill out of his behaviour . He has had no consequences to deal with. Just like someone who gorges on pies until they have a heart attack, or a smoker who gets lung cancer.

Your use of emotive language such as "puts his dick into prostitutes" is not very helpful. It's terribly Daily Mail hang 'em and flog 'em brigade, whereas stepping back and encouraging some kind of understanding _ though not necessarily continuation of the marriage- is what is needed.

our posts crossed.

I fail to understand how you cannot accept that:
drinking
gambling
smoking
over eating to excess
using prostitutes
excessive sexual promiscuity

are all recognised as potentially addictive forms of behaviour.

Everyone acknowledges that some women who sleep around often do so because they are looking for "love", have very low self esteem, and get a quick boost from casual sex. Aferwards they feel even more worthless and the cycle continues. it becomes an addiction.

Why can the same not apply to men?

If you cannot acknowledge this you need to read a bit more and understand a bit more about human psychology.

CR

That's a very flippant and rather shallow way of dismissing what is in fact very common human behaviour.

Do you call what the OP's H has done "very common human behaviour" ? I shall not list them again since it offends your sensibilities, although it doesn't change what he did and intellectualising his actions completely misses the point, IMO.

If comparing what he has done with other addictions gives it a more socially-acceptable slant for you, and make you better able to "understand", then good for you. I only need to understand one thing though...whether or not it is forgiveable.

Oh, and thank you for educating me on the social dynamics of various addictions. I obviously was in dire need of that, since my responses are so transparent to you. How clever you are !

FWIW, dismissing someone's views as Daily-Mail'esque is soooo last year. An accusation akin to sarcasm, the lowest form of wit.

Yes of course its sliding scale. And it's complex. No doubt if your mother killed herself at age 35 through smoking, you'd feel the impact was far more massive than if you had a father who was addicted to porn. These things are not straightforward. Not if you believe people are generally quite complex beings anyway

of course it's complex

I didn't say otherwise

I could forgive someone smoking themselves to death (my grandmother did it)

I couldn't forgive this, and what is this thread about ? Smoking... or a man wilfully and with much forward-planning and by spinning a massive web of deceit he has betrayed his partner in the most foul and degrading ways possible.

And all the intellectualising about it in the world, all the comparison with other addictions, all the understanding would be for nought (for me)

Some things can be forgiven. Some cannot.

Yes of course its sliding scale. And it's complex. No doubt if your mother killed herself at age 35 through smoking, you'd feel the impact was far more massive than if you had a father who was addicted to porn. These things are not straightforward. Not if you believe people are generally quite complex beings anyway

AF This is what I actually said:

I take issue with your addictive and compulsive behaviour does not exist- or as someone said they "don't do it".
That's a very flippant and rather shallow way of dismissing what is in fact very common human behaviour.

Taking my comments out of context and then trying to construct your argument around them is not a very clever thing to do.

If you read carefully what is quoted above,you will see that the point being made was that addictive and compulsive behaviour exists in humans. That is hardly intellectualising.

Neither did I say that other addictions were more socially acceptable. That is your opinion coming through.

If you simply want to make the point that for you, the behaviour would be unforgiveable, fine- you have the right to say that.

Maybe you are simply one of those people who goes through life without thinking too deeply over anything- you simply react in a very black and white way. And suggest that others do the same, as if it is the only way and the right way. It isn't.

As for dismiisng my DM comment as being passe- that's your opinion. If your post isn't sarcastic I don't know what it is. And if you don't like the DM tag then don't spout DM opinions all the time!

CR...could you point out where I said that addictive and compulsive behaviour does not exist ?

Top marks for condescension, btw

Apologies- it was Moondog who used those words, but I thought you were concurring and the rest of what I said stands, based on your other posts.

Any, you accused me of the Daily Mail thing just a matter of weeks ago. It was certainly during 2010.

Glad I convinced you it was a lame argument.

I think the addiction bunfight is pointless hijacking. If the OP's H is a sex addict, that is for him to deal with alone. You can no more cure someone else of sex addiction (should such a thing exist) than you can of alcoholism.

Addiction may go some way to explaining what this man has done, but it does not excuse it in any way. A gambler who steals money from his family is still a thief.

OP, if you are still reading - I think it will take you a while for your new reality to replace your old certainties. How you will feel about your DH when you are able to clearly see the kind of man he is is far from clear. Of course you still love him now, and no wonder you are bargaining away the facts to minimise the adjustment you are having to make in how you view the man you thought you knew so well.

Give yourself time to process this. Confusion and bewilderment and trying to make it not have happened are only to be expected.

at spidookly

He's a lying deceitful thoughtless selfish twat. Addiction my arse. No amount of rationalisation or justification will make a blind bit of diference. He wants a lot of sex with whoever he likes and enjoys the risk.
No good for you and your kids. He needs binning. He has betrayed you with lies and risks.
BTW nowt to do with your marital arrangements with other couples, sice they were open and honest and consensual etc. No bearing on it in my opinion.

I am not sure that you can have such a thing as adiction to sex. More likely an excuse people use when they have got caught and know that they are in the shit(Tiger Woods).

I agree with anyfucker. I could accept someone having a nicotine habit and smoking themselves to death. i could never forgive someone lamely claiming that they had an addiction to sex and prostitutes. The OP's partner was planning ahead and knew what he was doing.

You can't compare other addictions- smoking, drugs, alcohol wth a 'sex addction'. I could work through any of the former problems with a partner and try and work through them. Being deliberately unfaithful and passing it off like you can't help it, would be a massive deal breaker.

torninpieces - sorry, my post above wasn't constructive. Hope that you find some answers soon.

I would not accept certain addictions in a
Partner. However that doesn't mean those addictions don't exist

nobody said they didn't exist

just that (in this case) the use of the word "addiction" appears to excuse such abominable actions in some way thereby putting the onus on the person on the receiving end of such betrayal to be the bigger person who might feel obliged to understand and forgive someone who "can't help themself"

I do not think that is helpful

intellectualising such vile risks he took with his family is not helpful (IMO)

it should be called what it is...self-entitled and blatantly selfish risk-taking with his family's health

immoral use of family money on fulfilling his own disgusting agenda, at the expense of his wife's happiness and peace of mind

and that is before you make a moral judgement about his use of prostitutes (which would also be a deal breaker for me)

and I make no excuse for the use of such descriptive language...his actions were certainly of a "descriptive" nature

Why does it appear to excuse anything? People are analysing the issue. Not making a judgement call on whether or not its excusable. Or judging what the op should do. That's her decision.

You may not find it helpful to Analyse the issue. But possibly the op does. And most People on here are focusing on her

In my (very Telegraphesqu) opinion there has been too much intellectualising done in the relationship already. The op discovered her H has been having sex with men in saunas last spring, they did much talking and some self development courses and things were 'lovely, just lovely' in her words, she was 'over it'.

The latest bombshell appears to be the paying prostitutes. I cannot begin to understand how she got this far, if I was told my dh has been screwing men in saunas, no amount of self development courses would save our marriage.

It's not time for chat, for delving deeper, it's time to say enough. The man is not marriage material.

Flame away.

Af

Does it ever occur to you that your posts are all about you and how you would react?

I doubt if the Op- or anyone reall- cares about what you would do. They need support about their situation, which is not the same as ranting about what fits with your moral code or tolerance levels.