Desperate. Dh sex addiction.

[torninpieces]

namechange test

cabbageroses I hear what you're saying about the op needed support. Almost all posters in Relationships are looking for some kind of support, and most get personal viewpoints in their answers. It's almost impossible not to put your personal spin on such matters.

It seems to me the op has done the understanding wife thing already and it got her nowhere. If the op was a friend or sister of mine, I would be supporting her by telling her to get free of this man A.S.A.P.

She doesn't need to take our advice, but it is offered with the best and truest of intentions.

CR...we can argue about this all day long

you don't know what the Op wants or needs any more than I do

how do you know she doesn't want people's personal reactions to what has happened to her ? Maybe she needs other's outrage on her behalf to validate how awful he has made her feel...I doubt anything I, or anyone else, can say could make her feel worse, tbh

maybe she doesn't...since she is no longer posting while we all have a lengendary bunfight, we don't know

this is a forum where a wide range of opinions are expressed

I trust another person to take what they need from a thread...but if you wish to make decisions on her behalf, don't let me stop you

I take your point too- but inflammatory and emotional language can often be unhelpful too.

If the OP was sure she wanted rid of him she would not perhaps have asked for advice.

That's why I often think it is better to refer someone for counselling maybe so they have an impartial listening ear.

Maybe we operate totally differently, CR (in fact I am sure we must)

you see, if this were me, I would want somebody to tell me their thoughts using terms that explain the situation as it is not something I could read for myself in a psychology textbook

do you not think she may have done her own reading/online research etc and just want a simple gut reaction from impartial listeners ? Isn't that what internet forums are for ?

I would want posters to give me their honest opinion, whether I would find it easy to hear or not

not for them to try and make me feel better, or minimise his behaviour in any way (even if that were not intended).. that would make feel I was being patronised

only I (or she, in this case) can do that for herself

I expect an intelligent woman would not post something like this without expecting that some women will be outraged on her behalf, and rightly so

Haven't you got a family to talk to or some washing up to do AF?

"If this were me......"
It is not you. (Groans- all about me, again. She just doesn't get it.)

"I could read in a psychology textbook" Unless you have lived a very sheltered, or uneducated life, then the awareness of addictions which include sex addictions, cannot have escaped you. No books needed!

"A simple gut reaction from impartial listeners"
Lol!! when were MNs ever impartial! You must be on another forum darling.

Have said all I am going to on this thread.

Your condescension really does know no bounds

torn hope you are ok today.

It is hard to have to meet up when the feelings are so raw.

Hi, I'm back, what passes for rl these days gets in the way.

First, thank you to everyone who's taken the trouble to read and post. I do take all of it in the spirit in which I think it'd intended, and even though it's contradictory, it's all worthwhile. I did ask for thoughts, and tbh, other people's thoughts are not going to hurt me at this point, far from it.
When he came back last night I was very clear that I need time and space away from him, for a lot more than 2 weeks, as we'd agreed before. He's going on New Years Day.
I was comfortable when he was away, I'm jumpy and confused now he's back.That says a lot to me, I still think it's too early to make any 'forever' decisions, I haven't got the brain or heart for it, but day to day I need him to be out now, that's the best I can do atm .

I think if I'd had a horrible time with him (thatI knew about) for ages, my feelings might be different, but it was literally going from very happy, loving him, albeit with 'work to do' to fucking nightmare overnight, and my feelings aren't on a switch, it takes me time to sort it out.

I think posters who have questioned the 'addiction' have a point. At this time, though, I feel that it's a way for him to tackle it with a lot of support (not from me, which is good), and whatever OUR future relationship might be he's the father of my children and I'd prefer him not to be acting out this stuff, obviously.

But I do value your input. I've been looking after him and his needs for far too long. That has to stop.

If he's going to sort out this, he has to do it himself, because he wants to be a better person. I need to get to a place where it's nothing to do with me. That's still a struggle, and being on here helps.
I've asked the few rl people I've told that I don't want to hear their judgements of him, or advice (yet)
But on here it's useful.
I am going to get counselling too.

The other thing about him being here is that I'm feeling all those loving, desiring feelings and it doesn't help.

I know this might get worse before it gets better; I'm v afraid of him going.

I really appreciate the support and input.

Fwiw I think you're doing exactly the right thing in giving yourself space and time to deal with all of this.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but go through it you must, unfortunately. You will come out the other side though.

I'm really glad you came back OP and it sounds as though distance from eachother would be the very best thing at the moment. Feelings of desire, love and even pity often get in the way of making a sensible decision.

I hope the counselling will be helpful, because you need a safe space to vent your feelings. It would be especially helpful though, if that counsellor had experience of helping a non-addicted partner and was also able to help you separate out the addiction from the infidelity, lies, deceit, financial abuse and gender issues. Some of that behaviour will no doubt have arisen because of an addiction, but I suspect not all of it.

For the partner in your situation, the focus comes away from his addiction or behaviour and moves on to the effect it has had on you and might continue to, whether you part or separate. Focusing on you and the DCs is now the priority, while your H continues to help himself.

WWIFN as usual has said it all and very well. But glad you are finding this helpful and glad you are having time apart. It is hard, no question.

Really glad you have some people in RL to talk to as well. I've wondered about how I would deal with this situation and I'm not sure I'd have anyone - and really impressed you've been clear about what you need from them as well.

WWIFN said: I hope the counselling will be helpful, because you need a safe space to vent your feelings. It would be especially helpful though, if that counsellor had experience of helping a non-addicted partner and was also able to help you separate out the addiction from the infidelity, lies, deceit, financial abuse and gender issues.

I think you will find that almost all counsellors have experience of dealing with addictive behaviours- they are very common.

It's never going to be a case of separating out the issues, OP, as they are all interconnected.

It's never the case with counselling of someone else decding what is the best tack for a counsellor to take. They are the experts, but the line they take will depend on what your answers are to the questions they ask you. They are not there to give you solutions or answers- what they ddo is enable you to talk in a safe environment.

Counselling will focus on what you want and how you are going to manage your life from now on.
Good luck- and BTW, choose someone good from www.bacp.co.uk

hi torn, I am very glad you came back

I think you are being very sensible in separating while you sort out what you want

this really cannot be about him now, and I hope he properly understands that, like you said...the focus has been on his needs for too long (in all the worst possible ways)

he has thrown a bomb into your life, and nohing can be the same again

were you to continue living under the same roof, it would give the impression that things could go very quickly back to "normal" and very tempting for all of you to just brush the issues under the carpet

you must get help for yourself, not just say it but do it

don't think that when the dust settles slightly that you will be ok...I truly don't think you will

good luck

Hi. Of course you must be in utter shreds having him with you for the 'happy family' christmas, and the volcano of unresolved feelings his presence must arouse in you.

I haven't read your entire thread. I was in recovery with several sex addicts. None of them stayed 'clean' in any meaningful sense, I'm afraid.

Other respondents must have raised the obvious point with you: an addict is someone who uses a substance or behaviour, initially to hide from themselves some aspect of their personality which they dislike. In the case of a sex addict, their 'substance' is sex with other people. That is, they use other human beings - in an intimate, intrusive manner - for their own short-term relief. This does not bode well for those who hope to maintain a loving, intimate relationship with them.

When you start therapy, your counsellor may tell you that sex addicts often deal with it by losing themselves in a replacement addiction. What she may not tell you is that most then go on to gradually add sexual ab/use back into their life, on top of the new misbehaviour.

I'm watching some friends of mine go through a similar catastrophe to yours just now. It makes me feel both sad and angry, chiefly because neither of them has the guts to face their truths. My new year's wish for you is the moral strength to explore your psyche, your soul, and to build the life you deserve with your children.

ItGraceAgain - you have a nice manner (warm heart) in your posts

grace is a very warm person, that is for sure

I want her for my sis

:-))

And AF is great fun and sincere

ohh and TD is sweet and likes to promote exercise to cure all ills !

You can't provide better advice than that

AF- thanks but the T is mostly for "tough" BTW.

I am trying to motivate myself to do more exercise.....there are about three or four months of the year when I am really good and the high is awesome.....the rest of the time I am off the wagon.

we do have our online distinctiveness.... I do picture Mr AF being a bloke on very good behaviour.

OP- sorry about hi jack

Great post ItsGrace

tough ?

err, no

and Mr AF on very good behaviour ? < splits sides >

ah now

spidookly ?

she is tougher than me....by a looooooooong way

she makes my skinny knees knock together

if i didn't have to be up for work in the morning, it would be very good fun to make a character assessment of every person who innocently arrives on this thread

it might be a bit rude to OP though

one evening I will start a thread to do just that !

might end up in a bun fight though

Lurks waiting for AFs Charachter Assassination Thread....