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Original poster

Should I be concerned?

38 replies

teahouse · 26/12/2010 19:14

Met a guy a few months ago. We're both single parents (me 10 years, him under 2) and we started dating - masses of very hot sex but we get on well too; although haven't done the meeting each other's kids yet.

He had planned to go on holiday over Christmas because he didn't want to be here without his kids. He went with a mate and it was booked a few weeks before Xmas. He's in his early 40s and this mate his mid-30s (I'm mid-40s).

Anyway, this guy texted me a couple of times to say he was having a great time and would call me Xmas day to hear my voice - but nothing and still nothing.

He's gone to Thailand and to some full moon party where there are lots of single people and it's full on heady stuff by all accounts.

Am I right to be concerned that he's met someone else? He could be ill (although would have texted unless dying), or could have lost his phone (he could have e-mailed)... pretty confused - thoughts?

OP posts:
WherecanIhide · 26/12/2010 19:21

I'd be thinking: he's having fun/sex etc and will contact you when he gets back to carry on as before...

I don't know him, but I think you are making excuses for him because there is no other logical explanation for not texting.

Hopefully I'm completely wrong Hmm

Doha · 26/12/2010 19:28

Out of sight out of mind . he is busy enjoying himesef/shagging stupid in Thailand as a single bloke.
If or rather when he contacts you on return lo would insist on condoms or a visit to a clinic for an STI check.

jumpyjack · 26/12/2010 19:32

I'd be concerned. I'm in that part of the world and here blokes only go to Thailand for one reason. I'd be less worried about not receiving a phone call and would instead be using the time to think about whether I really wanted to be in a relationship with someone who would go on that kind of holiday. Sorry.

welshbyrd · 26/12/2010 20:49

I was seeing a guy, who was besotted with me, we were together for maybe 7 months, prior to his pre-relationship planned hol to Thailand, most loyal [really thought he wouldnt cheat] moral type of guy

He cheated over there, and 3 years on, I think he still regularly goes over there now

Lulumaam · 26/12/2010 20:55

what everyone else said. i'd be very dubious

you've only been together a few months, you haven't met each others children, so now would be a great time to bin him off and find someone you can trust

lou33 · 26/12/2010 21:26

full moon parties are full on non stop music booze and drugs and can go on and on and on

i expect he is probably still recovering from it all

emmyloulou · 26/12/2010 21:42

I wouldn't be concerned he hadn't phoned. If you want a good shot at a monogamous relationship with him and I'm guessing you do. I'd bin him. The kind of gut to go on one of these holidays, a missed phone call is the least of your worries IMO.

mychatnickname · 26/12/2010 23:03

Has he called yet?

ShanahansRevenge · 26/12/2010 23:07

He could have just got completely out of it....he will be feeling low and have made an effort to "forget" that he's not with his kids.

I know my DH who is lovely can sometimes do really crap things like this....they have a mind fart and get it wrong/hide.

He's in Thailand...it's beautiful...laid back...he might be thinking "gosh I could come out here and backpack! Relive my youth! I think I'll get out of my mind! I feel great!"

Then he will wake up in a day or so and think "shit...have to go home now...face reality...oooh! Better call Teahouse!

If he does...I would play it really cool.

Original poster
teahouse · 27/12/2010 10:55

I've just had an e-mail from him saying he has tried to call a few times but the number has been engaged. Could be lying as I've had very few calls in the last few days but it's a good excuse.

It does sound like he's been having a blast and I'm a little intreagued as to whu he hasn't texted me, as he has been getting my texts.

Still, I'll see what happens when he gets back. He says he misses me and his past (if he's told me the truth and I have no reason to doubt him) would imply he's not likely to cheat. But, this is his first adventure since his divorce and from what I have heard about this part of Thailand and these parties, there would be enough temptation to test job ;o)

He's home in a few days so I'll update then. Thanks for the posts - much food for thought

OP posts:
Original poster
teahouse · 30/12/2010 15:54

Update - heard nothing from him since the e-mail on Monday and I'm sure he should be home by now. I have texted and e-mailed and nothing back...

I am definately a tad suspicious of his behaviour and had assumed he'd at least text before he left Thailand. His e-mail said he'd like to take me to where he's been as it's so beautiful... why are guys so confusing

OP posts:
proudnscaryvirginmary · 30/12/2010 15:59

Teahouse, he is shagging someone else or many someone elses and he's not giving you a second thought. Sorry, but it's true.

You have to decide how you feel about that, what that means for your 'relationship' and whether you will carrying on seeing him when he gets back no matter what yarn he spins...but please don't delude yourself that he's somehow unable to call you.

And pleeeeaaase don't call or email him again. What's the point? He's either got all your messages and is ignoring them or the phone really is at the bottom of the ocean never to be found again!!

PhishFoodAddiction · 30/12/2010 18:33

Teahouse, I'd bin him off if I were you. He's having too much fun living up the single life.

I went on a girls holiday a week after meeting my DH, not only was I faithful I was never off the bloody phone with him! (Sorry not trying to rub it in, but if this fella was thinking of you he'd have let you know).

You deserve better!

carmenelectra · 30/12/2010 19:58

If it were anywhere else apart from Thailand then i probably wouldn't be to concerned.but Thailand?Hmm, men only go on lad's hols there for one reason. The fact him going there would be enough for me to bin him off, let alone not contacting me. Sorry, but I would be extremely suspicious.

susiedaisy · 30/12/2010 20:08

it doesnt take 2 minutes to text someone, or use a friends phone to text if yours is out of action, i am afraid i agree with other posts, sorry.

Sarsaparilllla · 30/12/2010 20:40

I don't think just because he's gone to Thailand he's automatically shagging someone else! I've been with my bf a few years ago andit's not just about shaggin about!!

I'd be annoyed about him not having beenin touch tho, but don't jump to conclusions just because of the location of his holiday...

AlistairSim · 30/12/2010 20:50

I second you, Sasperilla, not all men who go to Thailand go for sex.
I used to spend half the year out there staying with family and there's a lot more to the country than prostitution.

Not sure what to think about OP's boyfriend but would say if he was that into you, he would have been in contact by now.

lou33 · 31/12/2010 11:13

Third that. I do dislike the bad rep Thailand has for what is a tiny percentage of what it actually offers

susiedaisy · 31/12/2010 13:00

he could be anywhere on holiday in the world but the fact that he hasnt bothered to contact her shows that either something is going on or that he is a thoughtless idiot, thailand has nothing to do with it, a boys holiday is a boys holiday and they do for the most part have a certain reputation im afraid.

Original poster
teahouse · 01/01/2011 21:59

Update - he got back and texted me and then we chatted for a bit, arranging to meet on Monday.

I texted a couple of time NYE - he only texted once and hasn't replied to my last text!

I know he'll have missed his kids a lot as he usually ses them every few days and talks to them every day so 2 weeks away would have been hard. But....
I'd be suprised if this continues much longer - think he's lost interest!

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 01/01/2011 22:10

Can you really be bothered seeing him, given the way he's been with you?

If you know it'll end, then be the one to end it. You'll feel better for it.

happiestblonde · 01/01/2011 22:29

Honestly, I'd be concerned that a man over 30 let alone a man over 40 (or woman) had been at a full moon party in Thailand. Come on... that is how I spent my gap year at 18... it's full of 18-25 year olds, drugs and meaningless sex - all great but for a man over 40 who has a child? No.

Original poster
teahouse · 01/01/2011 22:31

I know you're right but I've been single for ten years and this is the first guy to date me in over 4 years!

I'm not desperate for a BF but it has been lovely having someone who enjoys my company; we don't see each otehr often as he's a single dad and spend alternate weekends with his kids.

Plus, in the whole ten years as a lone parent I've only had a few BF's (and I mean a few) - none lasted more than seven months and all left me.

I'm now firmly middle-aged and clearly undatable/unwanted - not a nice feeling, and it's not looking good for the future. I work stupid hours, have very little spare money and no friends to speak of, as all I've done over the past years is get an education, find a job, and look after my kids... means I have no life, and no money to go out and find one!

My confidence and self-esteem is so low, and seeing someone really gave me a boost recently. But I realise this situation isn't helping much.

OP posts:
happiestblonde · 01/01/2011 22:36

Just because he is the first guy in a while does not make him the right one. I truly think you need to leave this over grown child and learn to love yourself (I know how insane this sounds, I thought it was when DP and I went through a terrible time but a lot of gym sessions, nights with friends etc proved otherwise).

Leave him. Move on. Do not think you are unwantable because that is untrue - this guy just isn't worth being sad about. I cannot stress enough how weird it is for a man in his 40s to go to a full moon party; my father used to fly with BA and went to Thailand - it is not the country that is the problem - but spending nights out with very very young girls who are all totally out of it listening to techno is reallly not the way I would like a man of his age with a child that I was dating to behave.

atswimtwolengths · 01/01/2011 22:50

Don't you think that if you take control and dump him, you will ultimately feel better?

Think of how you'll be in three months' time - do you want to be crying because he's dumped you or proud that you realised in advance he wasn't worth bothering with?