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Original poster

DH talking about throwing DS out of the house

90 replies

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:08

DH and DS have a lot in common - same sense of humour, common interests, - and both very, very stubborn. DH is a bit of a fair-weather dad, great with the good bits but can't cope with bad.
DS is 17, isn't working hard at school, and is inconsiderate at home. He has a part-time job so we don't given him any money, however, he does treat the place like a doss house. After an argument on that topic a few days ago, he slammed his bedroom door so hard a that he has cracked the frame. As a result, DH is saying that he wants DS to leave and is thinking of changing the locks - and he is NOT joking. DS says he has already started to look for accommodation and has got as far as finding out that there is assistance available for kids whose parents have thrown them out (not sure if this is true or not)

I am in total shock. This does not happen to my family. If DH kicks DS out, I don't think I will be able to stay with DH. Yes, DS has to learn to have a more respect - but I really don't think he's done anything like bad enough to be kicked out of his home. DH won't talk to DS, and if I try to talk about it, all he'll say is "the sooner he F*&%s off out of here, the better".

I am gutted and in shock, really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2010 16:13

yes there are assisted places for people to go when they are not getting along at home - but you will need to say he can't come home.

This doesn't happen in my family - it isn't going to help you with that attitude, this type of thing happens in all sorts of families and that doens't make it bad or wrong.

Can you sit down with your ds and ask how he thinks he will get along through life not respecting others and rubbing along with them

As to whether you leave your dh and put your ds before your own life and your dh I can't say whether that is right or wrong but does your ds know that this will effect your marriage?

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:18

when I said "this doesn't happen in my family" - I didn't mean it as I can see it sounded - I meant that I hadn't thought things were that bad...

I have had these conversations with DS - e.g. if he moves out, he won't have a happy time if he doesn't learn to follow the ground rules of whereever he goes etc. and all he has to do is start being a bit more respectful (he HONESTLY is no worse than a lot of others his age, which doesn't make it right - but also makes throwing him out a bit OTT)

OP posts:

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 16:18

I am so sorry

Unless there is more to this story...stealing, drugs, crime etc I would not be happy for my son to be thrown out of his own home

My 15yo dd treats the place like a dosshouse, and slams doors...just like I did at that age

If I was driven to a choice between my son and my husband, DH would have to go, I am afraid

Does he realise he may be ruining his r'ship with his son forever (and by association, your r'ship with him too ?)

The thing is, your son will grow up and mature one day (he is still at school, fgs)...but what is your husband's excuse?

Is there any other family that DS could stay with a for a while, to let things cool down ?

I don't know what else to suggest really...but your husband is not being fair to you to put you in an impossible position

Taghain · 23/12/2010 16:19

I really feel for you. It's not an unusual situation, one in which you will have to act as peacemaker.

Can you persuade DS to become more active in running the household, ie take a share of the responsibilities? After all, if he leaves he'll need to look after himself. That way he might have more respect & DH might be less combative.

It may have to be the "we love you & want you to live here, so what we want you to do is....."

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:23

no drugs, no crime. Come home drunk on a couple of occasions (but months apart). Not doing as well at school as is capable of doing, and not being arsed to do anything about it. And split the door frame by slamming the door. So not great, but not evil/

Otherwise relatively "normal" inconsiderate teenage behaviour (drinking the last of the milk/eating something that clearly wasn't just for snacking on, room a permanent pigsty)

OP posts:

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:24

and I've done the "we love you and want you to live here but you have to .... " - but DH has kind of made it clear that he just doesn't want him round anymore.

OP posts:

jollyoldstnickschick · 23/12/2010 16:26

We have a bit of this going on here too - my friends and I think its like an alpha male things - your dh is showing him who's boss....dunno how to sort it tho ....im not there yet myself.

Hope things are better today though.

LadyintheRadiator · 23/12/2010 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 16:27

sounds like a normal teenager to me (and a relatively "good" one)

my dd bugs the hell out of me on a regular basis, but I would chuck DH out before I would make her leave her home, for those relatively unimportant misdemeanours

is DH going to persist with this "he has to go" all through xmas?

or could you take advantage of the "season of goodwill" for both you and DH to have a chat with him together ?

coldtits · 23/12/2010 16:27

I'd be losing the husband.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 23/12/2010 16:28

well, me too, ct, but I think OP wants to hang on to both of 'em

both teenagers, that is

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:28

LadyintheRadiator, it's 2 days before Christmas and we have another child - I haven't had that conversation with DH yet. We've gone from a regular family with occasional teenage spats to this in a couple of days.

OP posts:

coldtits · 23/12/2010 16:32

It's not actually up to your husband alone whether your ds stays or goes, have you not realised this? Your husband changes the locks - so givce your ds a key again. Your husband chucks all your son's stuff out - so pick it up and bring it in again.

You don't have to beg and plead because he doesn't hold as much power over your whole family as you both seem to think!

ivykaty44 · 23/12/2010 16:35

I would make sure you don't play peacemaker and make it clear that you are not going to sort the problems out between them and that they have to sort out the problems between themselves.

if you want both of them to stay living in the house then you let them know that.

It seems that you don't have a problem with either of them and yet they have a problem with each other and place you in the middle - don't let them

state your case and then tell them DONT wreck my xmas

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:36

I agree coldtits, but that is going to cause a massive rift with me and DH. I'm so frightend now realising is that something somewhere is going to break if we can't resolve it. And as I said, things weren't all that bad, I didn't think.

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 23/12/2010 16:36

Your husband is very wrong and its your house too ,why is it just up to him to thrown your ds out ..Do you not have a say?

coldtits · 23/12/2010 16:40

Your husband is causing the massive rift, not you. You have a choice - you can either allow him to throw your son out and try to forgive him (could you? really?) or you can tell him he will NOT be throwing your son out and deal with the resulting tantrum.

Your husband's being a twat, right now he doesn't deserve to be reasoned with because he's not behaving in a reasonable way.

Cracking door frames not ideal. I probably did it 5 times before I left home, I KNOW I did it at least once.

The long term prospects for homeless children are appalling. Your son will have to go into sheltered accomodation. Social Services will want to know why he can't live with you (and how are you going to answetr that>?). He is unlikely to be able to continue to go to school as he will have £54 pw to fund his entire life on if he's in sheltere'd housing, and he won't be able to afford books, bus fares, food, shoes, coat, clothes etc.

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:40

usualsuspect, I would have written exactly the same thing to another poster. We have always been equal partners in everything, which is why I guess I am so shocked and struggling with how to handle this. Plus how to make sure our other child still has a Christmas.

OP posts:

LadyintheRadiator · 23/12/2010 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

losingson · 23/12/2010 16:45

I wouldn't ever forgive him , I'd not "let" him do it but DS is obviously even more hurt and shocked than I am so he's playing the "i'll be alright, I''ve been looking into it, I'll be alright". A few days ago we were a normal family, now quite out of the blue I am faced with. at best, a broken relationship with DH if not a completely fractured family. Thanks all for listening, I am going to have to come off this thread for now.

OP posts:

bunjies · 23/12/2010 16:48

Your dh is not acting like a parent. He needs to calm down and then you all need to talk about it. I slammed our front door so hard once it cracked one of the glass panes. I was 21 years old . Please try to get him to discuss things more rationally.

coppertop · 23/12/2010 16:49

It's not sending a great message to your other child is it? How long until they start to worry about being made homeless too?

Your dh doesn't get to make this decision unilaterally and needs to be reminded of that.

IAmReallyFabNow · 23/12/2010 16:52

I think most mothers would chose their child whether they were in the right or not, but the way your husband is going about saying he wants him out asap, says to me he isn't willing to sit down and discuss things calmly.

You need to tell your h that your son is not going anywhere and he needs to stop making threats.

purplepeony · 23/12/2010 17:01

I can sympathise but if it is any comfort it is quite normal.
we have 2 doors in our house where DS punched a hole in them in a temper fit when he was a teen. I know other families who say the same things.
We are what I would call a typical middle class family- both DH and I are professionals and have degrees etc etc.

I don't think you will find it that easy for your son to move out. when my DS was being dreadful ( he had left home for uni then come back and we were all finding it very hard going) he discovered that housing benefit was not payable if he walked out of his parents home.

Your son is still a minor- he is not yet an adult. Your DH is shirking his responsibility to effectively put him into care. What would he live on? Benefits? I don't see how this would work financially- espcially in the current economic climate.

But that is beside the point- your DH needs to control his temper and accept that many families have this trouble with teens- and throwing akid out onto the streets is no answer.

FiveColdRingsForSolo · 23/12/2010 17:04

My Godson was just like this, plus stealing from his Mum and smoking from about 15. He really started to grow up about a year ago. He's just turned 19 and got really good school results and a place at uni. They are stuck between still being a 'child' and almost into adulthood and I remember it well myself.

I'm dreading this 'stage' with Ds but I think everyone goes through some degree of it. Ds is 12 and his attitude is crap now already, but I wouldn't throw him out for relatively small things. Then again, it's only me, no father to disagree with.

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