DH talking about throwing DS out of the house

[losingson]

DH and DS have a lot in common - same sense of humour, common interests, - and both very, very stubborn. DH is a bit of a fair-weather dad, great with the good bits but can't cope with bad.
DS is 17, isn't working hard at school, and is inconsiderate at home. He has a part-time job so we don't given him any money, however, he does treat the place like a doss house. After an argument on that topic a few days ago, he slammed his bedroom door so hard a that he has cracked the frame. As a result, DH is saying that he wants DS to leave and is thinking of changing the locks - and he is NOT joking. DS says he has already started to look for accommodation and has got as far as finding out that there is assistance available for kids whose parents have thrown them out (not sure if this is true or not)

I am in total shock. This does not happen to my family. If DH kicks DS out, I don't think I will be able to stay with DH. Yes, DS has to learn to have a more respect - but I really don't think he's done anything like bad enough to be kicked out of his home. DH won't talk to DS, and if I try to talk about it, all he'll say is "the sooner he F*&%s off out of here, the better".

I am gutted and in shock, really don't know what to do.

Its her sons home too

Ephiny, it's a characteristic of growing up that one rebels against one's parents - flying the nest and all that. Teenagers behave more rudely to their parents than to others because it's a developmental stage, not out of "disrespect". Also, theory of mind is not fully developed until the early twenties so a 17-year-old is incapable of putting himself in his parents' shoes.

If DH did that, I'd kick him out too! DS has to leave home when he's ready - his behaviour indicates he isn't.

FWIW I know a child who was kicked out of his mother's home - for drug use - 3 years later they have no relationship. He had kicked the drugs and is back on the straight and narrow but wants nothing to do with her.

My brother punched a hole in our living room door when he was a teenager. Lived their for some years more. It's not ideal, and perhaps not 'normal' but it is quite common and he's not at all aggressive now. Nor even back then, really. He was just a moody teenager. My dad did look forward to him leaving (mostly as he took a while doing A level repeats etc), but as far as I know there was no talk of kicking him out - I think it would've damaged the family and perhaps made my brother feel badly towards our dad for a long time.

OP's DS shouldn't be able to get away with such behaviour, but on the posts so far I feel that kicking him out seems a touch too far. Hope you can sort it out, OP.

*lived there

sounds like normal teenager shit to me too

its alpha male stuff this isn't it - your dh needs to asert his alpha male status in the pack.

but you see , he seems to have some delisions.

it just needs this one line sentence

" Don't make me choose between you and my son. You WILL lose"

i've said that a couple f times to dh.

my step dad put all my things on the street when i was 15 for answering him back while my mum was at work. she hadnt been talking to me either but when it went this far she bought my things in and put his things out. he stormed off for a few hours then when she didnt beg him back he came n talked to me and we sorted it all out.

I'm not at all sure that they only have to leave when they are ready. If a teenager is behaving in such a way that the rest of the household is being held to ransom, and other children in the family are miserable because of them, then I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask them to leave.

It doesn't sound as if that's happening here - yet - but it shouldn't be ruled out imo. My sister was hideous as a teenager, and left home (before she was pushed) when she was 17. She moved to the opposite end of the country, and found that her flatmates did not tolerate her behaviour - and it is relevant. It made her appreciate what she had at home - washing done, food on the table, heating, bills paid etc.

My ds has been like this over the last few months.he is 16 and in first year of college.he drove me nuts so much thsat i said I wished he would go and I have never regretted anything more as soon as I said it but thank god he knows that he pushed me and i snapped and it is nothing to do with how much I love and support him more to do with the lack of respect he had been showing for months,he seems to have turned a corner now and I hope it never gets like that again but your dh needs to back down a bit and remember who is the adult but most of all the parent.i had to and it was a steep lesson but I am glad I learned it before it went too far.teenagers are self obsessed little sods at times but if you really look your little boy is still in there and a hug could do far more than a row Good luck xxx

Well said noddy I think teenagers need hugs and assurance that they are still loved even if they do drive you bloody mad

this boy is still at school

just sayin'

ephiny, I thought I was hardline, but fuck me, if you had been my mum when I was a teenager we would have no relationship now

I'm sure your DS will be fine.

But don't people see the irony of the posts?

Having read threads in relationships a theme seems to be.

Why do so many men behave like twats in relationships?
Where do they get this behaviour from?

And you have an example of a young man showing behaviour that would be considered the height of twattery on here, not working hard, treating the house like a doss-house and not showing respect to people, and he is being defended and the DH is the twat and if anyone leaves it should be him.

I think it reinforces that the son's behaviour is ok. Allowances should made for teenagers as it is a difficult time, but he should be pulled up on his behaviour.

truck...and your post is an example of people who don't read the thread properly

no-one has said the boy should be let off for his behaviour, nor has the OP

Truckulent. One of these warring males is a child. The other is an adult, a man, a parent.

I'd be much more worried about the example of manhood being shown to the child by the parent, who chooses to chuck out family members if they annoy him.

added - I have known mothers who've been physically abused (terrified, bullied, beaten up, etc) by teenage sons, to the extent that they've had to be removed from the home for the safety of others. This is not the same thing*. Plus, of course, each one of those sons learned their behaviour from an adult male with influence in the family.

misplaced stars, sorry

I suppose I'm assuming the DH isn't a violent bully, which is probably my default position on people.

I suppose we are products of our up bringing. At 17 I'd been working for a year, and if I'd been disrespectful to my parents I'd have been advised if I didn't like the way things were I could leave.

And as 24 years later they are both coming here for Christmas dinner they must have done something right.

Then you weren't shown a lot of love really were you Truckulent ..its a home not a bloody dictatorship

And as 24 years later....

yup

that explains it

Wasn't shown a lot of love hmmm I'm not even going to answer that.

24 years later says it all,

I have a teenage son,And have a fantastic relationship with him, I was a male 17 year old, I've worked with teenagers, but what do I know?

I have an 18 year old ds and 2 grown up daughters we have a very close relationship I have never ever said if you don't like it leave .. but what do I know

As the owner of one of these models....an 18 year old, with whom I had words this morning...I would say have a chat with your son, advise him to apologise for his behaviour to everyone in the household, and make him pay for the damage.

I would also explain to your son exactly what it is like for children who are forced out of their home by a parent ie very difficult. So that if he has any sense at all that will scare him to death, and he may start to think about behaving a little better.

I also think that he should be doing something around the house as in pulling his weight a bit. Preferably something that impacts on him negatively if it does not get done. Could you persuade your DH to give him a job to do that would seem like a punishment, and would allow your DH to back down without losing face?

I have had the opposite to this problem in a way, as my exH always undermined me when I tried to show my son that his behaviour was wrong. On the other hand, however, sometimes he just totally overreacted to something quite trivial and went totally over the top, like your DH has done.

I have to say it's been much easier the past four years on my own, as at least I am consistent!

I was a shit of a teenager

I have a shit of a teenager

what do I know ?

I'm pissed what do I know

I'm not I haven't had a drink for two weeks, heh you've not all been drinking, not fair.

Well AF if you were a shit of a teenager presumably you've learnt what your parents did right and wrong, remember what it was like to be a teenager, and deal with it all appropriately.