DH talking about throwing DS out of the house

[losingson]

DH and DS have a lot in common - same sense of humour, common interests, - and both very, very stubborn. DH is a bit of a fair-weather dad, great with the good bits but can't cope with bad.
DS is 17, isn't working hard at school, and is inconsiderate at home. He has a part-time job so we don't given him any money, however, he does treat the place like a doss house. After an argument on that topic a few days ago, he slammed his bedroom door so hard a that he has cracked the frame. As a result, DH is saying that he wants DS to leave and is thinking of changing the locks - and he is NOT joking. DS says he has already started to look for accommodation and has got as far as finding out that there is assistance available for kids whose parents have thrown them out (not sure if this is true or not)

I am in total shock. This does not happen to my family. If DH kicks DS out, I don't think I will be able to stay with DH. Yes, DS has to learn to have a more respect - but I really don't think he's done anything like bad enough to be kicked out of his home. DH won't talk to DS, and if I try to talk about it, all he'll say is "the sooner he F*&%s off out of here, the better".

I am gutted and in shock, really don't know what to do.

I'm so sorry you're going through this - it must be awful . This time of year can bring out the worst in families - cooped up indoors on top of each other, long cold nights, etc etc. Factor in a belligerent teenager and a stroppy DH and you've got a lot to deal with!

I'm not at the stage you're at yet, but my tuppence worth would be this. Don't react to either of them at the moment, but maybe decide what the non-negotiables and negotiables are and sit down as a family and agree to them. I'd leave it a couple of days, until you're all thinking a bit more rationally though. What are his long term plans after he leaves school? Is he planning to go to university? If so, he may only have another 6 months before he goes, so I'd urge both of them to think about reviewing things then, to see how things are then. I seem to recall that late teens are very much about cutting the final apron strings, so if that is what's happening then it would be great if it could be done calmly, in a friendly way.
Your DS has to realise that he's not 13 anymore, and that his behaviour wouldn't be tolerated by an employer or university; equally, your DH has to understand that threatening to throw him out at this stage in his schooling isn't going to help. Good luck!

does your H usually over react??

based on whart you have said, he sounds like a 'normal' teen..certainly nothing that i would dream of ever hinting was bad enugh to mean being kicked out!

am really shocked

what did your H think the teenage years would be like?

from what you have written, if that is all that is going on, you're all getting off lightly

you have to choose your son over your H in this, as your son has not done anything worthy of this ridicolous reaction

he is a child still, albeit on the cusp of adulthoopd and needs his paretns to be on side to guide him, not one to throw him out and hte other to passivley stand there, with no notion things were this bad

I had a real temper when I was that age and a bit older, broke things and cracked the door frame etc. I think part of it was frustration at being still at home and being treated like a child , it was a massive relief to me (and probably everyone) when I left home to go to university. Maybe moving out is what he wants? Does he have any friends he can flat-share with? If he's 17, presumably he would be moving out within the next year or so anyway?

I'd be losing the husband too

If, as the consensus seems to be, lose the husband first.

Isn't this saying to your son it is ok to be disrespectful and treat the place as a doss-house and slam doors etc and he'll go out into the world with that view. And that I'll back you up even against your Dad.

I'm with your DH a bit but no so extreme, I wouldn't kick him out but he'd have to accept a certain level of behaviour. With the understanding he is 17.

Agree Truck. He's 17, hardly a baby. If he acted like that around flatmates they'd be witholding their rent until the landlord turfed him out! I can see where your DH is coming from tbh, but tensions are obviously high at the moment, so hope things can calm down

"Isn't this saying to your son it is ok to be disrespectful and treat the place as a doss-house and slam doors etc and he'll go out into the world with that view."

And become one of those men who behave like this when they're married/partnered, and his future wife will be on AIBU or the Relationships forum on MN in a few years complaining about her aggressive bad-tempered husband who behaves like an overgrown teenager.

It does everyone a favour if you set some firm boundaries for him now IMO.

Just one thing I wondered about. As he has a part-time job, how about getting an estimate to repair the damage to the doorframe, and then showing it to him? Also, to ask him for a contribution to the repair? That way he would see that actions have consequences.

I was a door slammer at 17, and I was not thrown out of the house. I did it because I was 17, not because I was destined to be an abusive fuckwit.

Of COURSE it's not acceptable to treat your children like they are god almighty, but nither is it acceptable to effective put a child into care for slamming a door. 17 year olds still come under the children's act. He's still at school.

At the moment, neither is going to get out of this without losing face.

If its a choice between losing face and losing your family set up, then the choice is obvious.

Present this to them both probably separately,not as a peacemaker, not as someone to take sides & be manipulated, and order them to get rational.

Remind them that you are severely pissed off with both of them and you expect them to start making amends to you as wife & mother, firstly by apologising, secondly by working out between them how to make things better now for Christmas & in the future. Making things better means making YOU happy.

When they have sorted this out, you will start to treat them as normal people.

OP, I think you need to tell your husband that if he cant live with his son any more, then he has to leave, not the son.

Your son has a lot more to lose by being made homeless than your dh. Your dh already HAS a job and cant pay rent, whereas your son will be screwed for life.

You also need to tell your son that you sticking up for him like this, means that HE is now the adult male of the household, and he will have to behave like an adult too, and take on responsibilities in the home.

Other than that, the problem is between your son and your husband, and you will not mediate. They will have to fix this themselves.

I think a lot of you underestimate just how "young" 17 yr old boys can be. 17 may sound old, but it's not really.

Unless you have brought up teenage lads yourself, it's not easy to understand.

The point about not doing this with flat mates is irrelevant- we all do things at home that we would not dream of doing with strangers!

If he has any income at all, make him pay for the damage.

no-one is saying it is ok for ds to act like his, unchallenged

he is 17 let's not write him off as a future aggressive husband just yet

he just doesn't sound that bad to me...the DH is behaving worse, IMO

The decision isn't dh's alone, agree with everyone on here who's said that. Have a discussion with dh alone if you can - if he won't, then deep down he probably knows he's got 'ishoos' about all this (him and his dad at this stage?) and isn't behaving reasonably.

DH should realise it's him that's supposed to be adult here, not locking antlers with DS. Isn't he supposed to be the parent who models responding rather than reacting to situations? Achieving compromises and establishing rights and responsibilities with DS? etc.

If DH won't discuss it, I don't think you should be the peacemaker, exactly, (have you been in that role before? Is DH expecting you to fix it all?) but it's worth sitting DS down and stating what DH's intentions are and why. And also saying you aren't going to fix it all because it's up to the two of them. Best to suggest to DH this damage to his relationship with DS AND you may be beyond repair, or take years to come back unless he and DS find another way. And then leave it. (That's the hard bit. Maybe bugger off for 48 hrs?).

We have some similar things going on here (girls and 'bring back hanging and boot camp' dad) and I am constantly, constantly trapped in the role of peacemaker if I don't watch it. The problem with that one is, DH never, ever ends up needing to apologise or change his ways, and I feel often abuses his position by sulking, etc. He's amazing in many ways, but as so many of who were parented in the 70s and 80s will know, we didn't learn a whole shedload of clever parenting from the way we were parented. Or, at least, my DH didn't.

You and DH have 50% of the say each over what happens with the children, and in situations like this I often think marriage and co-parenting are just like a three-legged race.

Also like what catinthehat2 said!!

My very mild mannered DD kicked a hole in my bathroom door as a teenager ..she never grew up to be an aggressive wife

Goodness ,you vocould have my ds ,same age ,same issues basically.Hasdn't broken a door but did throw a plastic bowl of fruit at the kitchen wall and has slammed a lot of doors.In between he is loving funny entertaining and bright.In my opinion (amnd I do struggle as have dh who is off the boot camp variety)its like having a toddler,firm lines and ignore the bad (unless really awful)and praise the good .

I would and neither would dh ever throw him out ,what on earth will that teach him abouyt relationships and how to get on with people and families.

My dad always said to me that whatever I did he would stand by me,he would't solve the problem for me but he would always be there to support me to sort things out myself.I hope thats hopw I will be with my sons.

Out of interest is he an only child and is he your dh's son

Sorry about spelling,mt keyboard is really playing up

I haven't read the whole thread, but... it sounds like fairly typical teenage behaviour to me, and I think your DH is being either a bit of an arse, or he's just not getting what's going on.

There's a very good book, the name of which I can't remember, but it's about the psychological and physical things that are going on in teenagers' bodies and heads. I suggest googling or looking on Amazon for an 'understanding teenagers' type book.

I can't understand parents throwing their kids out ... it's not really something that is an option, surely?

Just calmly say 'No, DH, that is not happening. I did not have a child just to kick him out of the house as soon as it became inconvenient'.
I am sure your husband will not end his marriage over this. As a pp said, if he chucks his stuff out, bring it back in. If he changes the locks, have them changed back. Be firm.

However, your son should be made to pay for the damage he has done to the doorframe. Yes it was an accident due to slamming the door, but he needs to think a bit more about his actions. If he had done that in university halls or a private rent, he would be charged for repairs even if it was an accident. He is old enough to understand that.

I'm not saying his behaviour is acceptable, at all, I'm just saying that it's not extreme enough to be kicked out of home for. He will be made to pay for the damage, that's a given.

"The point about not doing this with flat mates is irrelevant- we all do things at home that we would not dream of doing with strangers!"

I don't think it is irrelevant, and I really dislike the idea that we owe our families and partners less courtesy than strangers. I read so many stories on here of men speaking to their wives in an incredibly nasty way and behave terribly towards them - in a way they wouldn't dream of doing with colleagues or friends. I try to reserve my nicest behaviour for my DP, not my worst - we all have our moments but if I do or say something bad, I don't excuse it by saying 'well, we're a couple, I'm at home, it's OK'.

Obviously children's behaviour is a different matter, but 17 is more man than child IMO and more than old enough to start learning that you need to treat your home and the people who share it with respect, unless I suppose you can find yourself a meek little doormat wife just like your mother who'll put up with any amount of laziness and aggression and destruction - not a great future to be preparing him for though. And coddling him like a big baby is probably only going to make him more frustrated, better to let him move out and you can hopefully start to build a respectful adult relationship.

Personally, I think it is normal to at least partially leave home by 18, either to Uni or a job. No-one has to put up with a truculent adult in their home. Maybe your husband is being precipitate but it is his house (and yours) and your son has to obey the house rules or leave. I think he is old enough to understand that.

Would your husband accept a sincere apology and a promise to not repeat the behaviour? I think that if your son were prepared to do that, it could repair some of the damage.

If you let your DH kick your son out, he'll feel you are condoning it.

You HAVE to sit him down and read him his fortune. Tell him that yes, one day he will be living somewhere else, but let's plan it and do it properly. 17 is too young. He needs to toe the line, and respect YOU and his father.

THEN you need to sit DH down and explain that to do this is setting you in the middle, that you would never allow anyone to treat your DS with that level of cruelty, and neither would he.

You have to mediate this, if you don't you will end up losing one or other of them, possibly even both.

Your DH is being utterly U, your DS is being a teenager, BOTH need to temper their behaviour.