Am I fat? DH thinks I am

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
New here but wondering if you could give me some advice as this is really getting me down now.
My DH is very weight obsessed, to be fair, both with himself and me. When a curvy celebrity like Nigella comes on TV he says she is gross or disgusting.

He has recently lost about 2 stone but still looks in the mirror and dislikes what he sees. However he also thinks that I am fat and it is really destroying my confidence now. He tells me very frequently that we both need to lose weight, that we both are lazy, that we both need to exercise more. I have put about half a stone on recently (im now about 9 stone 10 and 5 foot 3 now, a size 10/12) and he is avoiding sex like the plague because of it. He also never gives me any compliments. However about a year ago when I was 9 stone he was still saying how I needed to lose weight.

I have tried talking to him about it but he says he doesnt see how he can give me compliments when he doesnt find me attractive like this.

I think part of the problem is that he is somewhat resentful of how I reacted to him in the past. When we first got together he told me that he liked dressing up like a girl, and I didn't react too well at all. Even after all this time when he shaves his legs and puts nail varnish on etc I just dont find him attractive - I think he just looks plain strange tbh and that has also caused a lot of rows.

Last night he told me his new year resolution was to become 'braver' as a transvestite - he wants to have a full body wax and start going out fully dressed, both to transvestite clubs and normal occasions.
I didnt say anything at the time but it makes me so sad inside. If I am supposed to accept him and fancy him dressed as a girl or totally hairless (something I dont find remotely attractive) cant he at least accept me with a bit of weight on?

Sorry seemed to have gone into a bit of a rant! Any advice would be lovely! Thank you

Do you have children with him?

He sounds repulsive and a woman hater.

No not yet - been trying a while but no luck so far. More sex would prob help!
Im not going to leave him as other than this (ok fairly major) issue he is a lovely lovely person and makes me very very happy. Normally I can ignore him and let it go over my head. I am lucky that other people tell me that I am pretty fairly often which helps my confidence a lot. I am just on a down day today and it is bothering me more than normal.

He doesn't see how he can give you compliments when he doesn't find you attractive.

You should remind him that he was 2 stone heavier not that long ago and how would he have felt if you made a remark like that to him??

The man is an arse. Believe me, if he is like this now, before you have kids, you are up for a life of hell.

If he's telling you you are fat, when you are plainly not, how does that make him a lovely person?

He doesn't want a real woman to have sex with , he wants someone with the body of a 12 year old boy by the sounds of it.

Your relationship is a recipe for disaster, get rid.

This is a large crack and it is early days.

He is a control freak.

For goodness sake, don't have children with this messed up man.

Run for the hills and don't look back.

He's not a lovely lovely person and if he made you happy you wouldn't be posting here. He's a controlling twat with double standards. You really do not want kids with this man.

How can a lovely lovely person act like this

You are not fat. But even if you were overweight this would still be despicable behaviour. I don't care how wonderful he is the rest of the time if I were you I would get out now. This sort of thing would be a deal breaker for me. Your partner should love and respect you for the person you are. Even if you were massively obese the onyl thing I would expect to hear from my DH would be that he was worried about my health.

Sorry but this is not a good man :(

Christ.

He is horrible to you.

You don't need to put up with this. You will end up with a bloody eating disorder and terrible self esteem.

What a wanker. Go and tip all his nail polish down the sink and get the hell out of what is a horrible relationship.

You need to lose weight

About 11 stone of it.

This man is abusive and messed up. FWIW it's not because he's a transvestite - lots of trannies are lovely people who are capable of having happy relationships.
He's got serious issues about gender, and probably an eating disorder as well, and he won't get better without therapy. DOn't let him mess your head and life up.
He's not lovely at all, he is using you as a psychological punchbag to project all his problems on to.

I'm not sure your weight would make any difference to his desire, to be honest. That sounds brutal but it sounds to me as if this is an excuse to avoid intimacy.

He is not being kind to you; he is not considering your feelings, wants or needs. Can you imagine how he'd react to your body if you were pregnant?

Bloody hell.

I was already composing a "Run for the hills" answer when I got to the cross-dressing bit.

He is not a lovely man.

He is undermining your self-confidence. He is obviously VERY unhappy with his own body, and should, IMO be seeing a psychiatrist to talk about his body issues.

Not projecting them onto you.

You do know that having children with him would be a mistake? I am sorry to be blunt but you really do have to think about this relationship.

it sounds like you want entirely different things

you don't like his cross-dressing and he wants to explore it further

how's that going to work long-term?

no, you don't sound fat but I'll bet that's not the real issue

Going to have to add my voice to the fray- run to the hills!
Your partner cannot find you attractive with a bit of extra weight, but thinks you should find hem attractive in tv mode? Or maybe he doesn't care what you find attractive?
Tbh, he sounds like he has a great deal to sort out of his own emotional baggage, and therefore can't see the effect this is having on you.
Do not have children with this man, you're setting yourself up to be deeply miserable, and by extension, your kids too. Some people have very happy marriages with tv but it has to be accepting and equal. Your relationship sounds neither.
Be brave.
P.S. a size 10/12 is hardly fat!

At the very least his behaviour shows a lack of respect for you as a person. Is his love conditional on you maintaining a certain appearance? Is that kind of love a good foundation for a marriage?

Please think carefully about what having children with a man with these sort of issues would really mean.

A changed body, weight gain-how is he going to deal with that? Your post suggests he is not going to be supportive or understanding, let alone appreciative (as he ought to be).

How would you feel if you were struggling through a difficult pregnancy and he was telling you how repulsed he was by you? What would you do if he told you to stop breast feeding so you could go on a strict diet?

If he wants to bring his transvestism into the open, does that mean any children you have will know about it, and if so how do you feel about that?

Hi thanks everyone but I really don't want to leave him. Its not because of financials (im lucky in that I own the house we live in and earn 40k) but he actually does make me very happy when I dont let this bother me. I am also quite a bit younger than him (im 25 he is 40) so think I am less confident in myself and need compliments from time to time to feel good. He very rarely explicitly says 'you are fat,' its more about talking how we are both a bit chubby if that makes sense.

do you think he could be gay or tending that way? Reason I ask if he wants a woman who takes a size 10-12 to lose weight, it sounds like he doesn't like feminine curves at all IYSWIM

I don't know but if he wants to openly be a transvestite and you are really unhappy about that and find him unattractive because of it, maybe you two should stay friends but not a couple

It is not about compliments.

It is about him projecting his body issues onto you.

About you accepting his cross-dressing tendencies while he withholds sex because you are "fat".

When you wear size 10/12.

If a woman were to talk like he does, would you think she was healthy, or that she had an eating disorder?

at 25 I find it a bit unfortunate that you are prepared to settle for this, however nice a guy he may otherwise be. I mean you find his cross-dressing unattractive, he finds you unattractive because he says you are too chubby for him to give you compliments or want to have sex with you.

I just cannot see this working out I'm sorry. I hope you can work things out somehow

Oh and just to make it clear that yes I find him far more attractive when he looks 100% like a man, but even if he is shaved or nail varnished etc I still love him and find him attractive because it is only his outward appearance that has changed, inside he is still the person I love.