Am I fat? DH thinks I am

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
New here but wondering if you could give me some advice as this is really getting me down now.
My DH is very weight obsessed, to be fair, both with himself and me. When a curvy celebrity like Nigella comes on TV he says she is gross or disgusting.

He has recently lost about 2 stone but still looks in the mirror and dislikes what he sees. However he also thinks that I am fat and it is really destroying my confidence now. He tells me very frequently that we both need to lose weight, that we both are lazy, that we both need to exercise more. I have put about half a stone on recently (im now about 9 stone 10 and 5 foot 3 now, a size 10/12) and he is avoiding sex like the plague because of it. He also never gives me any compliments. However about a year ago when I was 9 stone he was still saying how I needed to lose weight.

I have tried talking to him about it but he says he doesnt see how he can give me compliments when he doesnt find me attractive like this.

I think part of the problem is that he is somewhat resentful of how I reacted to him in the past. When we first got together he told me that he liked dressing up like a girl, and I didn't react too well at all. Even after all this time when he shaves his legs and puts nail varnish on etc I just dont find him attractive - I think he just looks plain strange tbh and that has also caused a lot of rows.

Last night he told me his new year resolution was to become 'braver' as a transvestite - he wants to have a full body wax and start going out fully dressed, both to transvestite clubs and normal occasions.
I didnt say anything at the time but it makes me so sad inside. If I am supposed to accept him and fancy him dressed as a girl or totally hairless (something I dont find remotely attractive) cant he at least accept me with a bit of weight on?

Sorry seemed to have gone into a bit of a rant! Any advice would be lovely! Thank you

QuestionTime Tue 21-Dec-10 11:39:05

"I really want to make it work and for us to find a way for us to be happy together."

Please understand that this sort of statement should apply to someone who has been married 15 years and has 2 or 3 kids and has gone through a few ups and downs in life. Finding a way to be happy doesn't apply to you because you are too early in the marriage/your life. You shouldn't need to FIND a way to be happy - you should be blissfully happy with no effort at this stage.

"I promised to be with him for better and for worse so I need to find a way for us to sort this together."

A marriage involves 2 people. You cannot do it on your own. It is not a question of you going back on the for better/worse promise - he is not holding up his end and you can't hold up both ends. And along these lines, if we have promised ourselves to someone, is there no point at which we can divorce because we are promised? What if we are being beaten/raped daily? Does the promise trump that? Is this promise a licence for a man to behave as he wants - calling you fat etc?

I wish i was 9 stone love,and size 12 is not fat at all. Tell him he may aspire to be a woman but that you actually ARE one so have a more knowledge about it than you.He will need your help if he wanst to dress like awoman and not "the queen,or Margaret Thatcher" which is what most trannys end up looking like.

Sorry more knowledge that him

well I am trying to accept this is what you want for now even if I cannot honestly understand it.

You wantto make this work, you have to do some serious talking. I don'tknow whatis going on here but seriously, it isn't good. I am not just having a go. Get serious partner counselling if the two of you want to make this marriage work. I don't personally think it is possibly but ithis is what you have set your heart/mind on, then you must deal with it in a serious manner and get to the bottom of some of this stuff.

Is it prying if I ask why, when you are not religious, your marriage vows mean so much to you? I don't mean to be rude, I just genuinely don't understand that part.

He is keeping you in the relationship by making you feel so crap about yourself you think is is as good as it gets for you.

It sounds like his own issues with his weight (and age)make him believe this is the best way to keep you with him.

Do you want him talking this way to any daughter you have in the future??

I commend you for wanting to honour your commitment, but I would think carefully about bringing children, who have no choice being there, into this situation.

200 partners and an 8 year open relationship! He is sounding worse and worse.

FWIW, I have put on loads of weight since I had dd. I know that my DH would prefer me to lose some, but he has NEVER ever told me that he thinks I am fat, or asked me to change my appearance in anyway. On the other hand, he DOES tell me that he loves me every day.

Honestly - please listen to all the wise advise you have been given already.

yet despite the 200 partners and the 8year open relationship, he chose to marry OP

DanZZZenAroundTheTreeAgain - not prying at all. I think its because I knew before i got married that to last for the next 30 something years it would take lots of effort and work, so im not prepared to throw it all in this early

QuestionTime - he is ensuring that he knocks the confidence out of you by a drip drip mechanism.

Eventually, you will be in a relationship which makes you deeply unhappy and you will feel you have no escape. So you will be exactly where he wants you.

You have a chance to get free, a chance many women do not have. You own that house, you earn a decent wage, you have no kids to tie you to him, but all that will change before long.

I honestly can see you posting in years to come about how deeply unhappy you are, just like someone further up the thread has said.

ok fair enough

before you got married, did you get round to talking about what you wanted your life together to be like? I mean things like whether you planned on having children etc
Does he want to have children, do you?

QT - before I got married all I thought about was how giddily happy I felt at the prospect of being with DH forever.

We've had lots of ups and downs but are still together, I suppose I'd agree that some 'effort and work' has gone into it, but to be thinking that before you were even hitched is very telling.

I'm sure many couples who are now divorced felt happier than you clearly did at the prospect of marriage to their DH.

Sounds like you need to really start listening to what your own instincts have been trying to tell you all along.

"yet despite the 200 partners and the 8year open relationship, he chose to marry OP"

Well that's one way of looking at it.

The other is that he found a 20 year-old with very little experience of relationships, whom he could control to his heart's content.

Get out. Now.

I agree with WhatsWrongWithYou.

Before I got married, I did not think that our marriage would take lots of effort and work. I thought that we would always be blissful and happy, never argue and live on a pink fluffy cloud.

We have had ups and downs, but that is looking back at an 18year relationship.

QT if you don't like the suggestions people are giving, why did you seek advise? the only way i can see your relationship surviving is if you embrace the crossdressing, encourage him, join him on his nights out, and it may go as far as making sure he only has men for sex when you take part too!

Get rid.

No good will come of this relationship.

You are not fat btw

On reading this through again, anyone else smell anything under the bridge?

This is not going to end well.

You are not fat and it sounds like unless you gain a few extra inches he's not going to want to have sex with you.

Seems too bad to be true.

If it is true, honestly, OP, this is NOT GOOD.

PLEASE reconsider having children with this man. He will seriously mess them up, when he has finished messing you up.

Get. out. now.

Batman is being helpful I see.
But then he has a particular interest in this subject.

does he want to be a woman?

even if he doesn't want to go that far, he evidently has a pile of baggage that would make Victoria Beckams holiday packing look small.

he is deeply deeply unhappy with himself and incapable of being happy with you, you need to split before he drags you down with him.

QT - have read through the entire thread. Please stop and think about why you're asking a whole load of people on the internet, who cant see you, if you're fat sized 8-10. This relationship, while it has its good points, is a toxic relationship and is taking its toll on your confidence and your ability to listen to good advice being given to you on this thread. Please have a good long think if you are really in a relationship that is worth the toll it is taking, and will take, on you.

dare i inject some humour into this thread
maybe QT partner just wants to ensure they are the same size, so its "first up, best dressed"

He sounds as though he has body dysmorphia which he is projecting on to you.

He sounds as though he does not like women very much

He sounds as though he is using his years of 'experience' to make you feel that he is the 'expert' at relationships to confuse you into thinking this is acceptable.

If you are determined to make a go of this marriage despite these very dangerous signs, my best advice is PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN NOW.

Stand up and say "I am not fat. And even if I were no husband worth his salt would be unkind enough to say it so fuck off and sort your issues out if you want this marraige to work as much as I do"

And mean it.