Am I fat? DH thinks I am

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
New here but wondering if you could give me some advice as this is really getting me down now.
My DH is very weight obsessed, to be fair, both with himself and me. When a curvy celebrity like Nigella comes on TV he says she is gross or disgusting.

He has recently lost about 2 stone but still looks in the mirror and dislikes what he sees. However he also thinks that I am fat and it is really destroying my confidence now. He tells me very frequently that we both need to lose weight, that we both are lazy, that we both need to exercise more. I have put about half a stone on recently (im now about 9 stone 10 and 5 foot 3 now, a size 10/12) and he is avoiding sex like the plague because of it. He also never gives me any compliments. However about a year ago when I was 9 stone he was still saying how I needed to lose weight.

I have tried talking to him about it but he says he doesnt see how he can give me compliments when he doesnt find me attractive like this.

I think part of the problem is that he is somewhat resentful of how I reacted to him in the past. When we first got together he told me that he liked dressing up like a girl, and I didn't react too well at all. Even after all this time when he shaves his legs and puts nail varnish on etc I just dont find him attractive - I think he just looks plain strange tbh and that has also caused a lot of rows.

Last night he told me his new year resolution was to become 'braver' as a transvestite - he wants to have a full body wax and start going out fully dressed, both to transvestite clubs and normal occasions.
I didnt say anything at the time but it makes me so sad inside. If I am supposed to accept him and fancy him dressed as a girl or totally hairless (something I dont find remotely attractive) cant he at least accept me with a bit of weight on?

Sorry seemed to have gone into a bit of a rant! Any advice would be lovely! Thank you

Wow a lot of great misinformation on this thread about cross-dressers. Apparently they are all women-haters or gay. About to turn out at office parties decked to the nines and demanding to be allowed to embarrass their DCs in public.

OP, you need to seek some RL counselling over this. It's not something a few posts to this part of MN will fix for you. You need to explore why you put up with someone treating you so badly, what your H is after with his cross-dressing and obsession with being thinner (gender dysphoria, anorexia, or just simple fetish) and where this is all leading for you. First by yourself, and then hopefully with him if he will go to counselling with you. You may have to consider leaving him based on what you learn. Or consider a life of unhappiness if you won't.

Good luck.

is this a wind up?

I find it sad that at 25 you are being told by a 40 year old that you are too fat and he doesn't want sex with you. How is he kind to you in other ways, OP?

I wonder what led you to Mumsnet?

what are his redeeming qualities?

With every post the relationship sounds worse.

Questiontime, I have just looked up your last thread, and I want to give you the same advice again. End this relationship. This man is messed up, seriously messed up, he has major issues about his body image, his gender and his sexuality. And that's sad, boohoo, BUT IT DOESN'T ENTITLE HIM TO ABUSE YOU. Once you've got rid of him, start concentrating on yourself at least to the point of working out how and why you started to accept the idea that it's OK for a man to abuse you if he says he loves you, and that no price is too high to pay in order to have a Man In Your Life.

i too have looked at your other posts/threads.

you sound incredibly incredibly insecure, and i dont think you could have picked a worse partner to play on those insecurities if you had tried.

you need to take a step back and look at why you are in the situation you are in. there is a reason. you sound like you could do with some counselling tbh.

one thing i will say - do not get pregnant with this man. you need to sort you own head out first.

Is he gay?

I'm sorry but if he cared about you he would not say this to you. I am fat, I'm fully aware I'm 2 dress sizes larger than when my dh met me BUT he still loves me, still tells me how beutiful I am and is still wanting me. Love is not about the physical it's about an emotional and mental attraction and if you had that, you would never wish them upset.
Aside from the cross dressing (each to their own) he sounds like he has issues, major ones! Please seek help

Blimey. Unless you are into this kind of thing yourself, I cannot understand why you would want to be with somebody like this.
Thank god you didn't have kids with this person.
Get rid of this man.
Find somebody who respects and loves you and who wants to put energy into the relationship, and not just himself.
Sounds like he's gay.

Question Time

After reading more of your responses, defending this guy, geez, you deserve each other.
Just don't have kids with him but I bet you will.
Sigh.

Dont have time to read all, but you should tell him to sod off. My brother is like this with his wife, she has spent years on diets. Of course, the real problem is with him and his self esteem (and with hers for letting him get away with it).

He is seeing you as an accessory for him to be judged on, and he cares way too much about the opinion of others.

I'm going to go against the flow here......

OP's DH clearly has a lot of problems, serious problems, and people are right in saying he's projecting them onto her and treating her very badly.

But if she loves him as she says she does, then maybe she is allowed to make some attempt to help him sort himself out, rather than just "running for the hills"? After all, if she came on MN and said he had been diagnosed with a mental illness, would you all be saying "yeah, dump him"?

From the OP's first post, her DH sounds about as unhappy and mixed up as she does.

I don't think it is something that you can resolve alone, OP, but maybe some sort of counselling and therapy could help, if you really do love him and want to give your relationship a chance. You can give it a try. But do look after yourself, and accept that it may not be possible to change him.

Wasn't this a year ago?

I don't think you deserve to be treated like this.

It makes me sad to think that you're "settling" - You should be with someone who loves you no matter what. If you got pregnant how do you think he'd react to your weight gain? It doesn't sound to me like he'd be supportive.

You've already done so much for him - it regards to accepting who he is and who he wants to be. I agree in the above posts that he does sound like he has gay tendencies. I think you need to move on.

You say it's just getting you down today - but how will you feel 20 years down the line? Don't you think your resentment and his desires will be more intense? I think you need to seriously look at how he's treating you and his obvious fetishes.

Hope you find out what's right for you xxx

Why the heck do people bump year old threads it drives me mad!

I think because the OP has another current thread running about her dh.

Sorry, the bump was my bad, I was reading and posting on the OP's current thread, looked back at this one and posted my thoughts on this one instead of he other one (smacks head).