Am I fat? DH thinks I am

[QuestionTime]

Hi all
New here but wondering if you could give me some advice as this is really getting me down now.
My DH is very weight obsessed, to be fair, both with himself and me. When a curvy celebrity like Nigella comes on TV he says she is gross or disgusting.

He has recently lost about 2 stone but still looks in the mirror and dislikes what he sees. However he also thinks that I am fat and it is really destroying my confidence now. He tells me very frequently that we both need to lose weight, that we both are lazy, that we both need to exercise more. I have put about half a stone on recently (im now about 9 stone 10 and 5 foot 3 now, a size 10/12) and he is avoiding sex like the plague because of it. He also never gives me any compliments. However about a year ago when I was 9 stone he was still saying how I needed to lose weight.

I have tried talking to him about it but he says he doesnt see how he can give me compliments when he doesnt find me attractive like this.

I think part of the problem is that he is somewhat resentful of how I reacted to him in the past. When we first got together he told me that he liked dressing up like a girl, and I didn't react too well at all. Even after all this time when he shaves his legs and puts nail varnish on etc I just dont find him attractive - I think he just looks plain strange tbh and that has also caused a lot of rows.

Last night he told me his new year resolution was to become 'braver' as a transvestite - he wants to have a full body wax and start going out fully dressed, both to transvestite clubs and normal occasions.
I didnt say anything at the time but it makes me so sad inside. If I am supposed to accept him and fancy him dressed as a girl or totally hairless (something I dont find remotely attractive) cant he at least accept me with a bit of weight on?

Sorry seemed to have gone into a bit of a rant! Any advice would be lovely! Thank you

A controlling, fucked up, older man, this just gets worse .

Get out now, if you have children with him he will ruin your life and theirs - everyone responding to you can see that.

You are too young to throw your life away, what do your parents say about this man?

well it is your relationship and you have to know what you want

So how do you see the way forward?

QT - I am really sorry to be so blunt but really, really, really what is going on with you that you can overlook such a major issue as just a "blip"?

SGB is right, he has issues about his body that he is projecting onto you.

It is really not nice to hear you describe how he talks about your body, your body.

How can you "overlook" that, it's huge? Why do you think it's OK for your partner to do something like that, to you? How can you just dismiss it? It's not nice. And it matters. It is way across the boundary of acceptable behaviour. It's obviously over the boundary - because it's your body.

Seriously, men who go on all the time about their wives being too fat, too this, too that, are just not good partners. The fact he's doing that, now, before you're even in a position to be less free to leave, is really, really worrying.

And it probably is only going to get worse when children arrive.

Um... they really don't like him. They say he is controlling

are you dead sure they are wrong? Really now

i think his dressing will progress, and eventually he will want to experience sex with a male or other tv, in your mind do you see this over the horizon? and how does it make you feel? you need to look ahead and see where it could lead, cutting the tie now may be less painful in the long run

Your parents are right. You should run a mile from this man. Sorry.

He hates women.

He is controlling sometimes but I love him so much and I really want to make it work and for us to find a way for us to be happy together. I know I am probably driving you all nuts but when we got married I promised to be with him for better and for worse so I need to find a way for us to sort this together. Whatever his faults are, and whatever mine are we honestly do love one another a lot. We have lots of great times where we are helpless with laughter, and very affectionate, and this gives me hope that it can be sorted. Im sorry but I will not give up on him and us yet. I do take all your points about holding off on the kids as I think you are right, but I made the decision to promise myself to him so it is my responsibility to sort it.

are you desperate? You sound it.

the hills. that way. go

What do you mean by desperate?

Tell us about how you met and his previous relationships. Is he still in touch with any of his exes and how did his relationships with them end? How old were you when you met, too?

"its my responsibility to sort it"

No, it isn't. It's a joint responsibility, and at present he's showing no interest in taking that responsibility, is he? It's all in your lap - you have to lose weight, be happy with his TV activities, and I would imagine a lot more besides.

You say you love him. I don't think he loves you though. How could he treat you this badly if he really did?

I spent my 20s in unsuitable relationships with fucked-up men. How I regret it now, when I look at the things I used to put up with in the pursuit of love. It was only later that I realised that I had to learn to love and respect myself first.

If I could talk to my 20-something self, it would be not to settle for something inferior and to value myself. I don't think this is the relationship for you. Get out while you can.

When I say desperate, it sounds like you have no or low self esteem.

Do you feel that you would have nobody else if you were to finish with thim?

Look at this from an outsiders point of view. ~What would you say to your close friend if they confided in you that their dp had said such things?

but I made the decision to promise myself to him so it is my responsibility to sort it.**

and that is the biggest problem of all - you and you alone are gona try and fix this...

its supposed to be a marriage and that means the two of you working together

you are the fixer, and you are going to "fix" the marriage

Really sorry but it doesn't work like that

I hope you don't end up on here in 10 years time, another victim of an abusive woman hater, wondering why you let him ruin your life.
There are dozens of threads on here from women just like you will be in a few years time, but they've lived a life of hell before they've finally seen the reality of the situation.

You have the chance to end it now, you will never have the life you want and deserve with this man, things will only get worse.

You can't change him and you shouldn't change yourself to be what he wants, it never works. You could be 7 stone and he would find something else wrong with you.

We all promise to stay together for better and for worse.

But your DH is not keeping his side of the bargain.

What about "to love, honour and cherish"?

Does he do that?

I do not doubt that he loves you, but he does not honour you when he complains that you are fat.

He does not honour you when he searches for sexual gratification elsewhere - is that going to be the next step once he starts going to transvestite clubs?

He wants to go out on normal occasions dressed as a woman, which you hate. Does that honour you? Make you feel cherished?

At your age I found myself in a similar position. Was with a guy 14 years older than me who slowly was eroding my confidence and becoming more controlling - my parents disliked him too. He also had slightly strange sexual preferences, not a transvestite but did like to wear certain women's clothes.

I had been with him since I was 19 and by 25 had become more confident, self assured and was doing more things for myself, which he hated, and he used to make belittling comments to "bring me back down". I left him age 26 as I had a sudden recollection that I was now closer to 30 than 20 and had to choose if this was really how I wanted by adult life to be. I am now happily married to a guy two years younger than me, who even though I have put on tons of weight since having our 2 girls, would never dream of commenting in such a way.

Life can be much better than this for you, but only you can change it. It's time to be brave....

"I still love him and find him attractive because it is only his outward appearance that has changed, inside he is still the person I love."

how about he applies the same philosophy to you?

SIL married a man who was always critising her looks - she had fat legs apparently. She is about 5ft 10 BTW and a size 8-10 and has one of the best pair of legs I have ever seen 'once' - I say once as she has such a complex about them after 10 years of marraige to him she never shows them). He also used to make her wear a minimiser bra (for her 32b boobs!) and I think there was serious pressure for her not to BF her kids.

Turns out she found a load of gay porn on her kid's PC and he came out as 'confused'. He's since gone on to remarry (another woman)but SIL is left with zero self esteem. It's sad to watch when I see such a beautiful woman but there's no telling her.

ok. So we are not going to get the OP to ditch him.

BUT OP if you are going to stay with him, you need to be telling him a few things straight. You need to get strong and stick up for yourself. You need him to be told he is no fucking oil painting himself and won't ever be.

You need to say he looks old now he has lost weight. and looks gaunt. Give him a bit of shit and see how he likes it.

So this man expects you to just accept his little "quirks", but he cannot accept that you might be overweight (which you patently are not). He refuses sex because you don't meet his ideals, but you are expected to still find him attractive when he shaves his legs, paints nails etc?

I don't care how much helpless laughter you sometimes have with this man, this relationship is seriously fucked up.

He is not your partner in any sense of the word. Why do women accept being treated like shit by the very people who should treat them the best?

RUN RUN RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK

This man does not love you (or himself).

Brandy butter - I dont think I am desperate - I dont doubt that I could find someone else if I was to leave him, but I do take my marriage vows seriously (im not religious btw)

When will I feel normal - I met him when I was 20. He has has a massive mumber of sexual partners (over 200) I have had 2! He was in a 8 year open relationship with one girl and they speak occasionally but she was not very happy when he ended it so they dont talk that often (I have seen emails from her so I know this is the case)

Thanks everyone for your advice. I will think about it all very carefully before I decide what to do