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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This morning I have found........

133 replies

Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 10:52

a Vodafone credit card thing with the SIM snapped out. It was on our fireplace. It is not mine.

DH has a fully expensed phone from work (i.e. can make personal calls with it no problem)

It has the number on it as a sticker and I have called it but it is turned off.

All of this makes me very very very suspicious. Even the fact it is turned off is suspicious because that means it is not just someone's phone - no one switches their phone off anymore, especially without a voicemail message.

My stomach is turning over.

OP posts:

sparkle12mar08 · 20/12/2010 12:13

I really hope there is more to this, a history if you will, than the few bits you've posted about here. Because if not, and all there is is what's here, then I think you might need some outside support to help you see how normal couples view trust etc. This is not normal TJIO, that's why people are surprised at your reactions. If on the other hand there is more, then I'm very sorry because no woman deserves to be treated that way by someone she trusts.

Secretwishescometrue · 20/12/2010 12:13

You really do sound like your mind is made up, that he's up to something bad and that's that... And not even talking to him about cause you don't want him to be able to wiggle out of it is being just a tad unreasonable don't you think? If you have a solid relationship for 15 years and things are going good between ye why would you feel this way? And yep the whole trust thing does need to be said... Sorry I know you "sound" a little fed up of "hearing" that but to be honest my Dh could act as shifty as could be, start his own payg mobile card shop from our bedroom and not tell me and id still trust absolutely he would never go off for a bit of slap and tickle as you say... Sorry not trying to get at you just like other people would rather reassure that there is probably some other explanation... Maybe a new phone as a Xmas present for one of the family or for a skint mate or someone and maybe he wouldn't say cause you might think its extravagant? I don't know, there could be a hundred reasons but just try not to get upset over it

antlerqueen · 20/12/2010 12:14

Do you have any children?

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/12/2010 12:15

I don't agree that opportunistic infidelity is practised only by males, but that is besides the point. From everything you describe about your H's character, his lifestyle and your own views that he won't pass up an opportunity and will deny until caught, you are certainly not being paranoid. You'll have to do more than just ring that number though.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 20/12/2010 12:20

Loves2cycle - as my earlier post says "if you feel that you can't trust him, that he's a flirt and a ladies man, and that he will bullshit you if you ask him - the whole marriage is wrong" and I stand by that. That complete lack of trust and the perception of the sort of man your husband is is really not a good basis for any marriage imo.

QueeferSantaland · 20/12/2010 12:26

I don't know why you're getting a hard time TJO.

A second phone is a classic. Lots of ladies on this board have had no idea about infidelity until they find another sim, or a curious reciept.

If he puts the sim in his phone will it show missed calls? Won't he recognise the number? See how he acts in the next few days.

merryxmaswidow · 20/12/2010 12:27

it could be for an ipad, maybe hes got you one for xmas and wants it fully loaded for the big day. i'd wait if i were you

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 20/12/2010 12:31

my dad has more than one sim, sometimes about it comes with a phone, but he bins sim so to stop others using it but also because some sims come with good offers like £10 free calls.
I would wait, sounds like a pressie coming your way.

festiveflashingmammaries · 20/12/2010 12:32

it could be a sim upgrade for his existing phone, my provider send me a new sim now and then but I keep my number.

you do seem a bit paranoid to be honest

domeafavour · 20/12/2010 13:10

I got sent a new sim card for my phone. I can't even remember why!! I called them to complain about something.... something was blocked, email or internet, and they said cos my card was quite old, they would send me a new one. It is still in the drawer.
don't panic, it might be just fine!!

carrotcake29 · 20/12/2010 13:23

YANBU - in my opinion it is slightly suspicious. I wouldn't leap just yet though. Have a little snoop around, think things through carefully, ask a few questions about work and friends etc to see reaction. I would ring the number a few more times maybe OR I would just ask all innocently and see what his reaction is.
I would say something along the lines of "oh hun, I put that new sim card thingy in your draw - what's for anyway?" and wait...his reaction should give you some sort of answer. Goodluck and despite some of the harsh comments I am sure we would all like to know how you get on!

minervaitalica · 20/12/2010 13:28

Well, it may be a little bit suspicious and in your place I would probably keep my guard up, but in the absence of other "strange things", I would probably not leap to conclusions quite so quickly.

Let us know how you get on

quietlysuggests · 20/12/2010 13:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

festiveflashingmammaries · 20/12/2010 13:45

it does explain why it's off if he kept his old number

Taghain · 20/12/2010 14:15

We're a family of four and it seems we all change phones every three tears or so. In a drawer next to me there must be four or five phones and loads of SIMs we've been given over the years. I've no idea how many.

Do I suspect DP ? No.
Am I 100% confident about DP's fidelity? No, but more than 99%, and I will live with that.

I don't think you've nay reason to worry, personally.

miniwedge · 20/12/2010 14:27

Hasn't crossed your mind that his employer has changed their mobile network provider and he has been sent a new sim then?

A new sim is in no way an indictator of something dodgy unless there is no rational explanation.
You have no idea whether or not there is an explanation because instead of asking him you are on here.

MarniesMummy · 20/12/2010 14:28

Isn't it possible that he's simply replaced his old SIM card?

I did this with mine as I kept the number and card and tranferred it from phone to phone for years, then it started to play up a bit and the lovely phone people said, here have a new one. Which, if it is the case, will explain why the phone is off (because the number of the SIM will now be your DH's number not the one that is printed on it).

I know that you're suspicious and in your post at 11.40:23 you say

I am bloody well suspicious with good reason.

but don't elaborate on why.
I think that if I found a SIM I wouldn't automatically sense foul play, (though if I were felling insecure I might).

Are you ok OP, are you feeling insecure for some reason?
HAve you got a reason to mistrust DH?
Are you putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 or is there something more you need to share?

Gay40 · 20/12/2010 15:29

If he has got a second phone, he's left you a massive sign. Is he a bit dumb to have left the evidence for you to find?

BEAUTlFUL · 20/12/2010 15:38

i do think reading the Relationships section for long enough could make anyone see cheating/lying/general basradishness everywhere

BEAUTlFUL · 20/12/2010 15:38

or bastardishness, even

BEAUTlFUL · 20/12/2010 15:38

bastardity

emmyloulou · 20/12/2010 15:38

You say you found a SIM not a PHONE, so you are jumping to the conclusion there must be a 2nd phone.

You don't know this, there could be 100's of different reasons first. If this is the first thing you think of after 15 years of good marraige, I'd say you have issues.

This dosen't seem an normal instinct thing some women get, you seem to have an inbuilt disdain, lack of trust, respect and belief in men. Based on experiences of men you have worked with. This seems to be your reason for thinking there is more to this?

It's not healthy at all. I have worked previously in male dominated environment, I get what you are saying, but it wouldn't make me view the whole of the male species with constant suspicion, like you are.

atswimtwolengths · 20/12/2010 15:46

Did you leave the cardboard thing you found where it was? It would be interesting to see if he moved it (unless he's the kind who relentlessly tidies up, of course!)

I think it's enough to put me on my guard. It would certainly be enough to make me look at bank statements to see if there was any unusual activity etc. If he's a technophobe then just changing the SIM (if he's not up to anything) would probably be worthy of his mentioning it in a conversation.

For now, I'd bide my time. You have the number. I hope that if you're calling it, you're dialling 141 beforehand. Wait and see what happens over Christmas - see whether a SIM is needed for your or your children's presents. See whether he goes missing every now and again. See if he spends more time than usual on the computer.

To those who say the OP is wrong to be suspicious - my husband was unfaithful for many years and I wish to god I'd found some clue to make me realise what was happening.

atswimtwolengths · 20/12/2010 15:48

Oh and he doesn't need to have a spare phone - he can simply replace the SIM.

A friend of mine went on holiday with a couple - when the two women were doing the laundry they found a SIM in one of the husbands' shirt pockets.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 20/12/2010 15:56

i don't think you sound paranoid.

i think something has falshed in your radar as being really out of character with no obvious explanation.

i agree with you. keep ringing the number.

if he sees you have removed teh card, will he put teh barriers up? or will he not even notice?

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