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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This morning I have found........

133 replies

Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 10:52

a Vodafone credit card thing with the SIM snapped out. It was on our fireplace. It is not mine.

DH has a fully expensed phone from work (i.e. can make personal calls with it no problem)

It has the number on it as a sticker and I have called it but it is turned off.

All of this makes me very very very suspicious. Even the fact it is turned off is suspicious because that means it is not just someone's phone - no one switches their phone off anymore, especially without a voicemail message.

My stomach is turning over.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 20/12/2010 11:41

OK - supposing he is having an affair. What are you going to do?

Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 11:43

Kick him out

OP posts:
MiasMARY · 20/12/2010 11:43

You sound neurotic.

Why bother being in a relationship with someone you don't trust ?

QueeferSantaland · 20/12/2010 11:45

The "ladies man" comment does sound suspicious, coming from someone who has only known you as a couple.Sad

As he is computer illiterate, do you have access to his laptop?

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 20/12/2010 11:45

Do you have children? Could it be a phone for them?

Have you noticed anything else odd?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 20/12/2010 11:46

I think I might be tempted to establish the facts first - how are you going to approach that?

Hulababy · 20/12/2010 11:47

Just ask him.

Lulumaam · 20/12/2010 11:47

well, you obviously don't trust him

we have loads of SIM cards and spare phones and floating around as DH does all the phones etc for his work... i keep finding SIM cards in all sorts of places...

the fact is, i trust him. and he works in an all female environment and goes out a lot without me and with his colleagues, if there is no trust, there is little point having a relationship as even innocent htings become a problem

you must not trust him for htis to be such a big deal and to feel you can't ask him

gettingout · 20/12/2010 11:49

Bide your time and observe. My ex-h was having an affair this time last year and I knew but I couldn't prove it. I thought if I confronted him he would confess but I over estimated his morals and values. He just lied and lied and told me I was a crazy jealous mad cow. If I could do it all again I'd keep my nerve and emotions in check and watch and wait. He will reveal himself if he is up to no good and as others have said it might all be totally innocent. Would he have bought a new phone for someone else? Mum? Nan?

Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 11:49

Thanks for your contribution MiasMARY. I am very far from being neurotic. Blind trust - way to go, eh!

Next thing you will say is Ignorance is Bliss.

I am going to wait until I have spoken to the person who owns this SIM. So keep calling until it is switched on. Then I will know for sure.

His laptop is generally just kept at work. He has a blackberry for home/travel emails etc.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/12/2010 11:49

You are right that affairs happen when there are no relational causes and when someone still loves their partner very much, but it seems that what you are saying is that you believe he is personally capable of infidelity and that his lifestyle would support it.

I'm curious about how you reacted to his friend describing him as a "ladies man"? I'm also curious about how you view infidelity yourself?

Trust your instincts and if your awareness of his character extends to knowing that he would deny anything without proof, get that evidence before confronting. But decide what you will do if it turns out that you are right and you are married to a man who cannot pass up an opportunity and thinks he's entitled to a fling because he is an alpha male.

noddyholder · 20/12/2010 11:51

I am very much a believer in instinct.I don't think you sound paranoid at all

Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 11:52

Can I just say to all you "trust" folk that we have been together for over 15 years and this is the first time I have ever had this to any great extent. It is not that there in no trust, it is that something has come to my attention that is very very suspicious and doesn't sit right with any of the possible explanations so far.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 20/12/2010 11:54

So if this is the first time you've ever had this to any great extent, why would you automatically jump to this conclusion and post about it on MN? I'm genuinely curious - if it were my DH I'd think "ooh, wonder what that is" and then ask him when I remembered - it would require a massive leap of imagination for me to decide that he was having an affair and that no other explanation was correct.

missmehalia · 20/12/2010 11:59

Ouch. If it were me, much as the nausea of things like this is awful, I'd keep quiet until I saw what everyone got for Christmas just in case it's something innocent like 'in connection with a Christmas present'.

Also, as it's Christmas approaching, watch and wait and see what his behaviour's like while he's not at work, and therefore has less time alone. Does he get twitchy? Sneak off for things?

I'm loathe to encourage you to go down the suspicion route, incidentally, because I'd like to see you secure and happy (sorry, am such a bloody Pollyanna). BUT maybe you need to find out for yourself that your fears are groundless.

Don't like thinking all males are feckless - I don't think that's fair, I hate it when females all get tarred with the same brush in any discussion.

Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 12:00

WhenwillIfeelnormal

My attitude to infidelity is that I know that many men are capable of it. As I hinted at above I used to work in a totally male environment - a sales environment - where literally every man in my team (about 15-20 over the years) would not pass up a pissed opportunity for a shag. One used to tell his wife he was going to play squash every Tuesday and go to a swingers club, all the while having wife and kid photos on the desk, holding dinner parties and being a perfect father etc.etc. These were nice family guys. There was no reason for suspicion......I entered into an inner circle there and saw what really went on.

I don't put it past many men. I too have been hit on many times by married men.

I definitely will get a load of bullshit if he is up to something and I have no proof - so I will keep trying that number.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 12:02

The reason I jump to this conclusion and post on MN?

A second phone? It's classic

OP posts:
suwoo · 20/12/2010 12:03

Why would the detritus of the sim card be left on the fireplace? Is that a place that you keep paperwork and post and all that crap? It doesn't sound suspicious to me if he left it somewhere so exposed.

loves2cycle · 20/12/2010 12:03

I don't think you're being paranoid either, just very sensible in not ignoring something strange.

But it may have a very rational reason behind it, so don't get yourself worked up into a stew and confront your DH who may be very offended, unless there are other signs.

My son ended up with a credit card SIM thing - he has no phone and is only 10yrs old! I don't know how he got it and he just said the man in vodafone gave it to him - while I was chatting to another member of staff. All a bit odd but it is still lying around the house somewhere. Things like that happen randomly at times.

If you suspect other changes in your husband you'll need to snoop around a bit and get more information before going in with an accusation.

Like others have said, wait until after christmas as it may be a present of some sort for someone.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 20/12/2010 12:03

Is this really the kind of marriage you want? If you feel that you can't trust him, that he's a flirt and a ladies man, and that he will bullshit you if you ask him - what on earth are you doing with him? He sounds like the kind of bloke most women would run a mile from...

BEAUTlFUL · 20/12/2010 12:04

What good will ringing the number do? If someone answers - then what?

Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 12:06

"Is this really the kind of marriage you want?"

Not really no.

thanks for your help ladies - I have to go and get some work done. I will be sure to let you know should I solver the sim mystery

OP posts:
Original poster
Thejurysout · 20/12/2010 12:07

Well, it will be either him answering, or someone I don't know. The latter option being fine and the former not so fine.

OP posts:
loves2cycle · 20/12/2010 12:08

But the trust thing isn't black and white for everyone maisie. It does seem that some people can trust their partners 100% but others, perhaps the majority, can't trust 100% because to do so would be foolish. Surely most people are at some level of risk of making stupid decisions like having an affair, and therefore you have to be on alert if you see suspicious circumstances. But that doesn't mean the whole marriage is wrong.

K12Mom · 20/12/2010 12:08

Hmmm, I have to say, as much as I trust my DH, if I found a second phone I would be suspicious.

However... are you absolutely certain there is not a reasonable explanation? Could he have bought the phone for somebody else as a present?

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