Tracking Devices? Anyone know about them?

[AlienZombieMum]

Does anyone know anything about using a tracking device / gps to catch a cheating spouse?

For logistical reasons I cannot follow him (don't drive, kids in bed, no babysitters), I have had my suspicions for months and check his phone regularly when he sleeps (never lets it out his sight when awake) , but cannot find anything (all deleted). Asked to borrow it once and he gave me it but looked shifty, took it for 24 hrs and let him think he'd "lost" it - nada! Although he did "have" to go out urgently 2 mins after he thought he had lost it - prob to a payphone to tell her not to call.

He doesn't have a computer at all and doesn't have access to mine.

He is self-employed as a driver so chooses his own hours and has no workplace . Have checked his car.

However, I have good reason to believe he is not actually at work when he says he is although I cannot prove it. I have a good inkling of where he may be, so if I could put a mobile phone with a tracker in his car or something like that I could confront him with evidence he cannot deny.

Does anyone know a (reputable) way of getting and setting up one of these devices? Would a private investigator supply you with one? The vehicle is actually in my name although he is on insurance so I don't think it would be illegal?

Hello

Thanks for thinking about my situation.

Nope, no happy update I'm afraid. Didn;t want to do anything so close to Christmas, especially since his mother is really highly-strung and it would affect her badly.

He came back on Christmas Eve, and Christmas and Boxing day we actually got on really well, and he did more than his fair share of spending time with us as a family and building kids gifts etc.

But....

Yesterday and today - not so good.

I don't mean to sound like a crazy banshee here [sad grin] but I know he is not where he says he is.

One good thing - he has started working nightshifts in the taxi, he's sharing with another guy so he can only work from 6pm-6am so no more pretend 16-hour shifts then! And theoretically he could spend more time with kids and me since kids could be picked up at 4pm and have dinner together etc before he goes to work at 6pm.

I have still been checking the phone when he is fast asleep and snoring(!) and finding message counter going up and up but only texts to and from me and his mum remain and a few from friends but not as many as he is sending or receiving.

The other day I realised that I could add some of his contacts to "screen messages list" so if he gets a text from those people it will go into a special folder away from the normal inbox. Don't think he is aware of this folder at all, so I can read them. I added 2 of his friends (didn't want to add them all as he may suss).

Last night he came in at 1am (supposed to be working until 6am). He reckoned he had worked until 11.30pm then went to pub for only half a hour and he had not got the missed call from my dad to when he was visiting. However, I checked the screened message box and there was messages to 2 of his friends arranging (manly tone, not really suspicious at all) to meet up at 7pm at the pub!! So he didn't even go to work at all. . And the missed call was there to see. But he had deleted his inbox and sent messages to the friends, so he must know I'm suspicious.
It's not that I mind him going out, at least it;s not another woman, however I missed my work's Christmas night out (my first night out in months) last week because he "had to work". But he can still go out whilst I slave away working full-time, looking after kids after school etc and doing at least 90% of housework?!!!

What bothers me even more is that when I asked him (non-accusatory tone) he was adamant that he had worked right up until 11.30pm, then went to pub "himself" for less than an hour. So he is blatantly lying to my face!

Then today he texts me in my lunch break saying he is going to go up to his mum's tonight to "surprise" her and make her a Christmas dinner since he only got her a very small present. And that after dinner he is going to stay there tonight with DS. One might think this is a nice gesture however his mum goes to bed at 8pm without fail, so why can't he go to his mum's at 4pm (he was there when I called) then go to work at 8pm for nightshift? I suspect it's because he wants to drink again. Maybe that is it? Maybe drink is the other woman so to speak?
Although he does say "no" to drinks sometimes at parties etc and doesn't drink my alcohol even if I leave it in fridge for weeks.

I just don't know anymore but the fact is that he is lying in my face and that something or someone is taking him away from the family.

If anyone manages to read all of this huge update, any more advice would be well - received.

On Christmas night he told me he loves me and promised to make more time for family, but why is he not going to work and lying to me?

Hi AZM,

I read your thread a little while ago but didn't have anything useful to offer really, though I can totally understand why you were feeling driven to looking into tracking devices and such. I hate uncertainty and think I would feel the same in that situation.

I wondered how you and (D)H were getting on now?

i think if you ask your lawyer you'll find that proving he is having an affair will make no absolutely difference whatsoever to the question of who stays in the hosue, and who is (eventually) forced to leave...

Hi wow my thread has been resurected!

News is that I asked him to move out for the reasons that he prioritized everything else over us and time with us. I never said him moving out was 'forever' - I stated my case on what I needed changed and he can speak to me if he decides to change it.

He has been away now for almost a month. He veers between being nasty, telling me I'm an "unfit mother" etc to I'm the love of his life, he will never forget me etc to ignoring me for days.

My head is screwed with it but at least I have distance. He maintains he DOES want us as a family but says nothing of making the changes I needed.

still sad and heartbroken but it's not as intense as when I was living with it

I lived with an alcoholic and it took me AGES to cotton on to the fact that he was one. Drinking during the night, glass put back in the cabinet - things that generally did not add up....

azm, I remember your original post, I felt really sad that you were living this life of suspicion and stress - I am so glad he is gone, well done! Good for you - you will begin to move on and have a better life without him.

Have you considered counselling to help get through this ? You can get it through your GP.

Look forwards and really put this man behind you - he sounds a really nasty piece of work who reduced you to rubble mentally...pick yourself up and begin again. x

I was there but I did find the proof in the end, it's not "bunnyboiling",the fact is until you are certain you don't want to put kids through a break-up it's not easy to do.

Although this was not how I got proof (found a yucky love letter in the end) About a month before break-up I admitted to my parents and brother what I thought was going on, my Dad and brother almost caught him out but missed him by seconds, do you have someone who could do that for you?

It can be easy for people to just say end it but sometimes you need proof positive before you have the strength

Good luck

Didn't read to end of posts before posting mine, glad you have been able to move on xx

Thanks x

I haven't really been able to move on, I (stupidly perhaps) still love him but stay out of his way as much as possible for my own self-preservation.

He wants to come back but I have remained resolute that unless he could 100% promise that things would be majorly changed ie - time for us instead of him just living like a single man, then there's no point as it would upset the DC's him being back then away again.

Obviously him not saying much is an indication he has no such intentions of giving up his single lifestyle and is quite happy staying at his mums and seeing DC by seeing them when he is not working (they go to his mums during the day whilst I work).

I agree with much that is written in the responses. You don't need to electronically "tag" him but you could get a PI to follow him. It's not illegal and if you get peace of mind/verification then it may be worth it to you. What would you do if you found out he WASN'T having an affair though?

TH, the OP was 2 months ago . He has moved out now. Actually I now don't think there was another woman at all. I think his football, drinking and very close to mates lifestyle would have always came first. He is interested in being a father, but a part-time one, not a 'family man' . This is what I think anyway x

Sorry - didn't check the date! Take care of you and good luck for the future!

Op ,that's pretty much what happened to me ,he put his mates and pub in front of his family and detatched from me altogether.living with it towards the end drove me nuts but I still loved him.it has taken 16mths since the split to reach a place of acceptance.I didn't want my marriage to end ,I loved him so much.I will never know the half of it he is an abusive controlling disrespectful bastard.the more detatched i become the more agressive he is .I have spent the last 16mths unravelling how the hell I got to such a place .self love and inner peace are the biggest gifts I can give myself and my kids.good luck with everything and get counselling if u can it helped me see thru his abuse.

He doesn't sound loveable OP, well done on detaching and being strong. I think the next step is to be focused on how unlovable he really is! I am sure counselling could help with that, and why you were attracted to him for so long when he was so unkind. best of luck x

Thanks Patience and Waterrat.

Right now I'm so flat and sad, lacking in motivation but I do feel more balanced.

He does text me every few days telling me how I'm the love of his life, he is always thinking of me and cares for me. Wants us to be a family (bit late now eh when months went by with not even half a day from him for us) . Doesn't know if he can be the right person for me but hopes he can....

etc etc etc....

but it is not backed up AT ALL with any actions. He is still (happily) living at his mums getting all his dinners made etc. When not working he does see kids. I work 9-5 and him nightshift so they go to his mum's in the morning (he is sleeping after nightshift) and then he gets up about 2/3 and helps his mum look after them until I finish work and he drops them off. So if he wants to take a night off (common) he can go out with friends as he pleases, as kids are with me 6pm til the following morning.
I guess that life suits him. Not having to actually do any "family" stuff or housework and the freedom to go out as much as he pleases.

I don't know any more. I'm sure I would not take him back unless he PROMISED and STUCK to real changes re- actually behaving like a husband and father but from his comments above I think he realises himself he does not want to do that. And he used to get so angry when I would try to "change" or "control" him just by wanting a normal family life.

What do you guys think? x

He is so much like my X ,do u feel ur self esteem has improved since he left ,just having peace in my home was nice and not being lied to everyday.mine never managed to step up to the plate,ur doin the right thing , set ur boundaries then its up to him .I think mine just wanted me doing the kids and home and thought he was entitled to do whatever he liked.Even now I can't have a grown up conversation cos he ain't a grown-up.

Look after urself big time ,dont underestimate the power of the pamper,put urself first and include a lot of nourishment in ur life now ,do it for urself because u work hard and u r worth it .

There is a corny expression - love is a verb. He can send all the texts he like but it's meaningless. As you say - love is actually about action. Look at what he does not what he says.

Honestly - just from reading your posts I cannot understand what there is to love about him, or why you would feel loving to someone who is not only treating you really badly but who is fucking with your head with these bullshit texts.

When he was with you you say he was deeply unkind and gaslighted you. What about that makes you love him? His behaviour is abusive - and I think from what you write that you must have very low self esteem to still have any feelings for him.

What was your own childhood like? Obviously you don't have to talk about that here, but you know yourself if that has led you to have low self esteem, low expectations of a relationship and an assumption that men can 'love' you while being total arseholes.

Once you grow in confidence you will see that someone behaving like this is not loveable and their words don't mean anything.

You have found the strength to push him out - for your sake I'm glad he isn't trying to come back as he doesn't sound like a good and loving partner. He also sounds like a liar which is the worst kind of bad partner because he will mess with your head.

Make a list of all the things you are looking forward to doing in the future - work/ friendships/ learning/ meeting new people/ visiting new places with your children.....

Then I would really look into having some therapy or counselling to look at how your childhood shaped your view of relationships - look on the BACP website, some people offer cheap counselling.

Finally - congratulate yourself on setting these boundaries and start dating and having fun. But you might need the therapy to help sort your view of relationships and yourself out before seriously committing again.

sorry that sounds rather bossy reading it back! just take care of yourself is the real message - and keep away from him x

Thanks to the 2 of you.

I had a great childhood but it all went extremely pear-shaped in my teens after a family very traumatic event.

I definitely don't think I have low self-esteem now, I did when I was a teenager (depression, suicidal, no self esteem etc) but I seem to have knocked myself out of it the past few years. I have never believed any of his behaviour was my fault or anything, and always knew it was wrong but just kept hoping that he would change. I have a fear of the unknown but not a fear of actually being alone iyswim.

He was seriously lovely for the first 2 years. Not one sign of abusiveness that I can recall. He was in love with me completely. It's that I miss and someone to come home to I guess. Gradually after that he became more and more detached and angry if he could not get his own way

I want to get myself back and my life back, hopefully if I am pro-active (which I am trying to be to fight this sad empty feeling) then it will happen

When u love someone and split up u go thru a grieving process whether they r worthy of ur love or not.it took
16 mths for my heart to catch up with my head .I took a long time to give up hope completely.still can't believe he didn't fight for his marriage and his family but in the end it is all part of the same behaviour, lying ,manipulating to live a zero responsibility single life.I still see my husband not just the kids dad iyswim but I think part of that is because I will never know the details of his deceit.I knew that he was bad for me ,I would never be happy with him,it was a gift when he left etc but I still hurt inside but not as much as b4.I have read co dependent no more and women who love too much and they both helped me understand why I stuck with him so long.I have broken the cycle of dysfunction,my kids won't see their dad treat their mum like that everyday and their house is peaceful now .sending u love and hugs,its not easy but its worth it x

Patience is right, your heart will catch up. It's really sad when someone we loves lets us down so monumentally - he couldn't cope with the reality of family life, perhaps as you said earlier it's an alcohol addiction. Perhaps he just couldn't hack it when life involved a lot of responsibility and selflessness, which family life does require.

Good luck moving forward

You deserve someone who can't wait to come home to you, who doesn't see going home as a mere duty, but as somewhere he belongs, who looks forward to work being over, who can't be bothered to go to the pub when he could have a better time at home.

That's it hamster ,the thing with my X was he never went to pub b4 we had kids .Then he didn't come home til kids were in bed and I sat next to a cabbage for the rest of the nite,I just thought,is this as good as it gets ? am I really going to live like this for the rest of my life ?but X wasn't going to stop his new lifestyle for me and the kids .then I read "the opposite of abuse is respect" in a book .I thought Ffs this guy has been disrespecting me for years and I was 2 blind to see it .only when I was on my own did I see how selfish,unsupportive ,unloving and cruel this guy was and how he made me question my own instinct again and again to keep me subservient.

Patience, you just said EXACTLY what I am feeling right now. EXACTLY. How come they are all the same? x