Could someone explain passive aggressive please

[domeafavour]

Thanks.
I know I could look it up but I don't have the energy!
X

I must be a bit thick or just don't notice things as I can't say I've ever noticed anyone being passive-aggressive.

(or knowingly met anyone with NPD for that matter, I'm not saying there aren't people like that)

Met some twats though.

Truckulent - thank your lucky stars!

I think I can be sometimes passive aggressive.

I dislike confrontation intensely so sometimes it is a way of trying to get my point across without engagin in confrontation, but sometimes I do it on purpose to wind up a particularly annoying person.

I know - I am a bad person!!

DH is the same so you can imagine when we argue it can be very emotionally draining in our house.

Yes, what a waste of energy.

OK - is this passive aggressive?

DD2 just came home from school. DH said to her "So have you come in the house in your shoes just having walked through hail and ice then?"

Note: we don't live in a no-shoes house, we were both wearing ou outdoor shoes - there was a little bit of hail on the drive from this morning and she hadn't left any footprints.

So his way of phrasing the question really bugged me so I said to him in the hall: "She is obviously still wearing her shoes, can you not see them?"

What he really meant to say was "DD2 would you mind not coming in the house when it's icy outside as it might make a mess in the floor."

But instead of asking her directly he makes weird comments like that which annoy me, so I will be deliberately and obtusely literal with him, as above.

The afterwards he said to her: "So, are you planning on staying in your uniform till Christmas then?"

FTR, I don't mind if she wears her uniform in the evening as it saves on washing. But I don't mind if she changes either. So I rolled my eyes a bit at his turn of phrase and when he looked annoyed at my eyerolling I sid "What difference does it make if she wears her uniform?" He just scowled and shut the froin door without replying.

Pretty much everything he says to her is some sort of PA comment - I hate it.

another form of passive aggression:

'have you got a problem with me?' when you know damn well they want to say 'I've got a problem with you, but I'm going to pretend it's the other way around, and cause the fight to happen because I've made it seem like you are the person with the problem, when actually it's me'.

as witnessed on a thread earlier

"this is turning into a bunfight (well done hairy). " followed by bunfight type behaviour!

chrysanthemum yes, I think so.

as you suggest a healthier way would be as you suggest a non-passive request.

Is this passive aggressive.

Text to me this morning from a staff member

"we have a few inches of snow here and the school is shut x"

our policy is that if you are unable to get to work through snow because of h&S concerns, you must inform your line manager.

If you have unexpected childcare issues, you may request up to three days to seek alternative arrangements.

so I'd expect either

"it's not safe for me to travel, so I will not be in" or "may I take a day off to care for my children as the school is shut"

She will also often say "am I ok to take tomorrow off" when actually she should put a written request in with good notice.

I actually texted back 'you'll be in , though, yes?" which I think might also have been passively aggressive!

Chrysanthemum, I'd say that was more like sarcasm than passive aggression.

Your DH is being sarcastic.

He just got back from posting our Christmas cards and was clearly grumpy.

I went into the kitchen to talk to him and asked how much the one to France had been as I had put a first class stamp on it and knew it wouldn't be enough. His response: "Does it matter?"

I said "No - just curious." He told me how much it was and carried on making his cup of tea - didn't offer me one, which is a surefire sign that he is annoyed with me. But I didn't want one so it's not an issue other than the fact he is so pointed about it.

I said "Don't be annoyed," in a nice calm sort of way ad pointed out that it didn't really matter if she hadn't taken her uniform off as it saves on washing.

He said that wasn't the point - it was that I had undermined him twice in the space of two minutes.

I need to point out at this point that DD (aged 9) is my dd and his stepdaughter and we have only been together 2 years so their relationship is quite a recent thing. And nothing I said was in front of her, it was all private.

I said that it wasn't that I disagreed with his intentions, I just disliked the way he phrased things sometimes, and gave the two examples and said that perhaps he could have found a better way of putting across what he wanted.

So he said: "So I should have told her to get her f-ing shoes off then, should I? Is that better?"

I said obviously not.

He stomped off up the stairs and as a parting shot said "Fine - fuck it - I'm not going to deal with her again - you can do it all."

I was getting annoyed at this point and firedback - "Well, you keep promising that - are you actually going to stick to it this time?"

To which the answer was a closed door.

I can now predict that he will stay in his computer room ALL night sulking, I will get no help with looking after the kids even though DD2 is only just 3 and needs to be taken upstairs to use the big girl toilet and I hurt my leg running the other day and am finding it hard to get upstairs. If I make him dinner he will probably not eat it and he won't do his evening job of washing up.

And of course it will all be my fault for daring to find fault with something he did.

Actually it was DD1 who came in in her shoes, DD2 is only three. Just to clarify.

The thing about passive-aggressive behaviour is that it's not an illness or a psychological disorder, it's just a way of behaving, like being assertive, aggressive or submissive. It doesn't require a professional qualification to notice it and it shouldn't be pathologised or "diagnosed".

Like the other behaviours, all of us are capable of being like that some of the time. Problems are created in relationships however, when one or both parties has a default behaviour of being aggressive, submissive or passive-aggressive and behaves like this most of the time.

I see PA as communicating dissatisfaction and grievances in indirect ways and I think Flight's posts sum this up very well.

The person whose default is to be passive-aggressive often sulks, drops hints rather than communicate directly, withdraws from situations rather than confront them (but moans or carps on the sidelines), effects a martyr complex rather than saying "no", takes to their bed and hopes someone notices, puts obstacles in the way of going somewhere rather than saying they don't want to go, attributes their dissatisfactions to others ("It's not me saying this, but others have said...")

In argument, s/he regularly resorts to deflections such as "Well if you don't know what's wrong, I'm not telling you" or "You're right, I must be the worst Mum/wife/husband/Dad etc. in the world" or "Sorry if I can't be a paragon of virtue all the time, I'm sure I must be a huge disappointment to you." Followed by flouncing and sulking, of course....

You must notice it on here, when an OP is being a bit of an arse and people tell them so, quite directly but tactfully, only for the OP to come back and apologise for not being Mother Teresa and without sin?

Inwardly, respondents want to load a rifle and shoot the OP, but it would be tactless to say so and unfortunately illegal to do so, so we tell the OP to stop being so passive-aggressive with posters who have taken the trouble to respond.

Oh yes, I have had the "If you don't know what's wrong I'm not telling you" thing. And he does flouce and huff and sulk if I ever dare to disagree or criticise.

But once he is over his pout he will grudgingly admit that I do have the right to opinions of my own, followed hastily by: "And so do I, you know!"

Sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a three year old - I just want to yell "Grow the fuck up!!"

Oh and apparently he doesn't sulk - he just prefers to be by himself and when I call it sulking it makes it sound like he is being childish.

whenwillIfeelnormal that's a really good summary of passive aggressive. I definitely recognise it (and to some extent in myself).

something I love about my DP is that he is never passive aggressive. He always says what he's pissed off about, without shouting, and is partial to throwing bits of technology that aren't working to the other side of the room- ie: he takes it out on them, rather than getting arsey with me!

Heh, was just reading this thread when my mum came round with a perfect example of passive aggression - which she didn't recognise but I explained (thanks, therapists!)

One of her grand-daughters is a good & prolific letter writer. Apparently, Mum asked my brother why this GD hadn't thanked her for a cheque she'd sent her. DB says it's because Mum hadn't replied to GD's last letter.

So: GD has 'punished' Mum with a tit-for-tat snub, without any attempt to state her feelings.

Assertive: "GM, I wondered whether you got my last letter, as I haven't had a reply."

Polite: "Thank you for the cheque."

Rude & p-a: Punitive silence.

I shall raise this when I next see my niece [evil grin]

Chrysanthemum, I think yopu might need your own thread about this man.

He sounds really difficult. Is he often like this?

what a big kid, really. Asking if it would be better to swear at your daughter...I mean fgs.

There is obv an issue about the fact she isn't his natural child - have you considered some counselling between you to sort it out? Or a proper sit down talk?

Grace, I wonder if it wasn';t just that the GD felt a bit embarrassed writing twice in a row?

I know I would feel awkward doing that and wonder if it was wanted or not, if the last letter had had no answer.

Don't assume she was being punitive.

My brother TOLD Mum that was GD's reason for not thanking her!

Most letter-writers, myself included, would send a second letter starting with the question about whether it had arrived. There are also the options of a phone call, text or email. The only assumption has been made by GD: that her letter was ignored, not misdelivered or simply awaiting a long reply.

... what reasonable excuse could there be for refusing to acknowledge a gift? (Mum had phoned DB to make sure she got it.)

Chrysanthemum, I hope you start a thread too.

ooh oooh ooh, I know this one!!!
Passive aggressive - take 1

(after I had a small grumble about him going to a bbq on a long weekend which would decimate the ENTIRE weekend with drunkeness and hang-overness. Still wanted him to go, but, just had a grumble)

Him: " No, No, nevermind, I just won't go"
Me: "Thats not what I meant - I just want you to spend some time with the kids this weekend too"

Him: "Nope, I won't go"

Then proceeds to spend the whole day of the bbq in bed "ill".

that is indeed outrageously passive aggressive! Poor you.

Chrysanthemum - me too. Sounds like he has a problem with her even coming into the house - almost as if there's resentment there the minute she walks in. This could cause her to be a very nervous child - the feeling that you cant do right for doing wrong from the minute she walks in !!

I only thought of this because I feel like this when my SS comes in. I hate the way he fiddles round the door for 5 minutes , mooches around the hall looking through all our mail etc even though I seperate his , then leaves the hall door open causing a draught but then slams shut the next door into the kitchen even though we leave it open deliberately and on and on and on...

Disclaimer - my SS is 23 and I have lots of valid reasons for hating the fact he lives with us and hence why the hairs on back of my neck stand up every time he comes through the door. But I just picked up on that in your post even though your DD is only little girl and obviously it is far less acceptable if thats what it is.

There was a thread a couple of days ago about someone whose dh wouldn't ever notice the house was dirty and clean up, so her approach was to just leave the kichen floor to get filthier and filthier, but not say anything, in the hope that he'd do something about it. That says classic passive-agressive to me.

Purpleduck - my dh has tendancies to do things like this! I would kick him up the bum and tell him not to be so self-indulgent.

Ooh sorry - passive aggressive !

My DH does this - is this it ??

When we are in the middle of an argument a really good debate and especially if I am making a very good point or argument and I happen to make a small mistake in someones name pronunciation for example or say garage instead of workshop or whatever - then he will ALWAYS interrupt me to correct and then I lose my thread. Even if its something that doesnt change the meaning of what I am saying and he knows full bloody well what I mean and I am on a roll/in full flow he will just very quietly say the corrected word. I have tried ignoring him and carrying on but he will keep repeating it in a monotone low voice until I stop and say it correctly and then I've lost my thread. Is that PA ?

I'm absolutely loving this thread and the examples.

Agree re Chrysanthemum starting her own/other thread.

Ooh I think I might have just done a P-A thing!

I live up the end of a cul de sac terrace. There is room for one car at the end but by custom none of us leave a car there for more than a few minutes to unload so as not to block the space.

New family moved in two days ago and have been parking there non stop for two days. I am really annoyed (I would love exclusive use of the space but am not that selfish!). When they asked me if was ok I said the other neighbours had told me not to leave my car there (which they did). I never said I was annoyed. Just that I had felt it was antisocial to block the space. Should I have been more blunt?