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Original poster

What is your DH/DP like?

93 replies

Thistledew · 16/12/2010 19:55

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier, who was bemoaning the fact that she cannot find a man who meets all her expectations. She wants someone who is ambitious, but likes them a bit 'jack the lad'. He must be gregarious, have a life of his own and not be clingy, but at the same time go out of his way to spoil her and make her feel special. She likes the 'alpha male' type, yet can't stand a man being in any way controlling, and does not want to do any of the running in the relationship.

I am beginning to wonder if such a creature exists?

I am lucky that I have a v lovely DP, who completely grounds me, and makes me feel very secure. He puts a lot of effort into making me happy. I know that when we have children he will be a wonderful father and be fully involved in running our family life, and that this will mean the happiest family life for me. I love him very much for this.

However, in the early stages of our relationship I did wonder if I was compromising a bit, as he is really not as outgoing, ambitious and 'alpha male' as the guys I had previously been attracted to.

So, what do you think? What are your DP's/DH's main character traits, and why are they important to your relationship?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 16/12/2010 20:00

Mine is v much alpha male and can be controlling. I think that goes with the territory, but so long as you can put your foot down about really important things, it can work very well. He was massively ambitious and has done extremely well financially but has now taken his foot off the throttle and is way more relaxed.

He's also very very kind and loving, v. affectionate.

I agree that you can't have everything. Some of my friends have husbands who do loads of housework, do lots of childcare etc but I don't find them remotely attractive. I just think they're pussywhipped.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 20:00

kindness

integrity

honesty

generous, in bed and out of it

likes children and old people

has a good relationship with his parents

is still friends with people he went to school with 40 yrs ago

hard worker

even with all those lovely traits, he is still nobody's fool, least of all, mine Xmas Grin

nightshade · 16/12/2010 20:02

ditto anyf.

diddl · 16/12/2010 20:04

I think it depends what you want as to whether you can "have everything".

Some traits just aren´t likely to be found in the same person as they don´t really "go together" iyswim.

sfxmum · 16/12/2010 20:05

the thing is sometimes what you think you want is not what you need or can live with

fantasy v reality

Bonsoir · 16/12/2010 20:05

My DP is very alpha male, successful and gregarious but also a home body and very couply and affectionate - he avoids overnight travel for work like the plague and tries to get home for 8pm so that we all eat dinner together, even if he has to work a bit afterwards.

He doesn't do much in the way of housework or instigating projects, big or small, for the family (apart from the annual ski holiday as he loves ski-ing and I hate it), which sometimes bothers me. But he is very fond of his children and does a lot for them.

Original poster
Thistledew · 16/12/2010 20:07

What do you expect from your DP/DH in terms of your relationship? If you are with an 'alpha male' ambitious, extrovert, gregarious type, do you also expect him to take equal responsibility for household chores and childcare? And to help you progress your career if that is what you want?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 16/12/2010 20:09

If you are with an alpha male type, he pays for someone else to do chores for him. If you want to do them yourself you get to keep the cash you would otherwise have spent on a housekeeper!

sfxmum · 16/12/2010 20:11

I really detest what is commonly understood to be an alpha male, the swagger etc yuck

they can be non alpha and still very confident, I suppose I prefer the loner type who needs solitude and understands my need for it too

and a lot of what anyfucker said too

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 20:12

I think you have to define what all the "labels" actually are, and whether they are true to life

my DH has some traits of an "alpha male" (gregarious, funloving, extrovert) but I wouldn't class him as one

my own definition of "alpha male" has negative connotations (arrogant, self-obsessed, selfish) and he is none of those things

most people are a mixture of things, I find

Malificence · 16/12/2010 20:13

Mine's an alpha male in the real sense of the word, not the show off, arrogant way.

highly sociable,
modest but very capable,
in control,
caring,
compassionate,
adores me and DD and would kill to protect us,
treats everyone equally, speaks to his staff with as much respect as he does his boss.

You can have everything mumblechum - if you think a man who does housework and cares for his children is pussywhipped that says far more about you than the men you find unattractive - you sound very immature indeed.

Helzapoppin · 16/12/2010 20:13

Mine is very, very clever and funny. Finds the best in people. He's ambitious and pretty self-possessed most of the time, but can be a little unsure of himself.I suppose he's pretty alpha (he's a successful city lawyer) but not in a willy-wanging sort of way). He can be a bit of a misanthrop at times and likes his own space, often with his head in a book about an obscure scandinavian philospher. He is always kind and thoughtful and utterly, utterly reasonable (and doesn't cope well with people being unreasonable). I never had the 'does he fit all my standards?' conversation in my head because I fell in love with him and that was that.

It works because he both grounds me and encourages me to be the best I can.

I knew from our first conversation that I wanted to marry him (even though I was engaged to someone else at the time)...I suppose I'm just lucky he's a wonderful husband and father! Aw.I feel all soppy now and he won't be home for hours.

Bonsoir · 16/12/2010 20:13

"Alpha male" refers to apes, and their position as boss. A human alpha male runs a company.

Original poster
Thistledew · 16/12/2010 20:14

Why are those traits important to you? Given that there is no such thing as a perfect human being, which traits would you say would be nice to have in a relationship, but are not a deal breaker for you if they are absent?

OP posts:
mumblechum · 16/12/2010 20:17

Hmm, Mal, youmay be right, I'm specifically thinking of a friend's husband who, after working in the city for 12 hours (she's a SAHM), has to make all 3 kids lunches for the next day, take the dog out etc. This is at 10pm.

She's had 3 affairs over the last 3 years and I guess I just think of him as a doormat, and that's skewed my perception.

sfxmum · 16/12/2010 20:17

as ever Bonsoir delivers LOL

diddl · 16/12/2010 20:19

Oh yes, Alpha Male sounds awful-all chest beating, shagging anything for the sake of it & taking no responsibility for the children!

My husband is successful, ambitious, caring,faithful sociable, doesn´t get pissed when he goes out.

He´s perfect for me.BlushGrin

HowAnnoying · 16/12/2010 20:22

very hard working (I've hardly seen him the last few weeks Sad

very reliable

generous (doing things for others, not money!)

a bit controlling with money

not very emotional, and not in touch with his feelings or others

sometimes tactless

a bit obsessional about things

a good dad

wind up merchant

mumblechum · 16/12/2010 20:22

It's funny how many different ideas of what an alpha male is that there are!

To me, it's a man who works very hard at his job and is very succesful at it, but not at all loud/aggressive/unpleasant.

I'd define AM-ness as:

Emotionally, intellectually and physically strong

Actually quite quiet

Succesful in all he does, not just financially but in relationships as well.

Original poster
Thistledew · 16/12/2010 20:34

I think there are alpha qualities, such as emotional, intellectual and physical strength, reliability, and kindness, but that these are quite different from what is normally perceived as an 'alpha male'. That is someone who has natural presence, is a natural ring-leader (as opposed to leader), and someone for whom life revolves around them, their needs, wants and ambitions. If you are very lucky, and they are a generous type, then they will include you in the centre of their world and ensure that life revolves around you too, but only if it does not conflict with what they want.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 16/12/2010 20:36

DH is not an alpha male really. He's not bothered about his position apart from whether it allows him to do what he does best with minimum hindrance from bureaucracy. At home he is similar. He is a get on with it kind of person. He has big ideas and projects. Most work - some don't - but he just gets on with things. I am more histrionic, and it is sometimes a source of tension, but we are a pretty complementary fit really.

Of all the psychometric-type tests he's done, the best descriptor of him I think was from the Belbin Team Role thingy. He is a Plant: creative, imaginative. He is very clever. I love that.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 20:51

an alpha male has to run a company ?

eh ?

Bonsoir · 16/12/2010 20:54

"In social animals, the alpha is the individual in the community with the highest rank."

mumblechum · 16/12/2010 20:58

So the Archbishop of Canterbury is the Alpha Male in the Church.

But he's a beardy bloke in a frock!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 16/12/2010 20:59

so...

elite sports men (and sportswomen)

they don't "run a company"

I would say they were the epitome of an alpha male (woman) though

your definition is extremely narrow