What is your DH/DP like?

[Thistledew]

I was having a conversation with a friend earlier, who was bemoaning the fact that she cannot find a man who meets all her expectations. She wants someone who is ambitious, but likes them a bit 'jack the lad'. He must be gregarious, have a life of his own and not be clingy, but at the same time go out of his way to spoil her and make her feel special. She likes the 'alpha male' type, yet can't stand a man being in any way controlling, and does not want to do any of the running in the relationship.

I am beginning to wonder if such a creature exists?

I am lucky that I have a v lovely DP, who completely grounds me, and makes me feel very secure. He puts a lot of effort into making me happy. I know that when we have children he will be a wonderful father and be fully involved in running our family life, and that this will mean the happiest family life for me. I love him very much for this.

However, in the early stages of our relationship I did wonder if I was compromising a bit, as he is really not as outgoing, ambitious and 'alpha male' as the guys I had previously been attracted to.

So, what do you think? What are your DP's/DH's main character traits, and why are they important to your relationship?

AnyFucker... I think we must be related... I am the official designated person to send away anyone that comes to our door asking for money, or asking if we know Jesus.

thefentiger... Touching my Toblerones means instant death. My DP is lucky he is not too fussed about chocolate, and he loves that I don't like cheese. Now THAT is compatibility! ;)

DH is a kind of hunter-gatherer fixer type - he's long had his own zombie type plan for when the apocalypse comes - very very clever but not in the academic or streetwise sense, works hard in a job he hates to provide for us.

He's not very sociable (undiagnosed aspie for sure) but wants to be and knows that I need a social life so pushes himself forward for my sake, whereas he would be just as happy at home tinkering with his bits and bobs in his workshop.

He's trying to overcome the cold distant parenthood example that he had but does find it difficult to be affectionate with the DCs or want to do child stuff with them - I do make allowances on this score as we're an ASD family.

He puts me totally on a pedestal - I don't deserve it at all, but I know that he absolutely worships me - I actually have a problem with that as, for me, the DC come first but for him it would be a hard call. We once had a major row when DD asked him what his favourite thing in the world was and he told her "Mummy" and I told him it should have been the DC

aurynne He survived just

OMG - you all seem to have perfect partners (goes of to be sick - several times)
My DH seem to be opposite of all of yours - alpha male....noooooooooooooo. He doesn't lift a finger round the house because he works and I don't - and by that I really mean he doesn't lift a finger. His time at home is literally spent in bed/watching TV/ going to the pub once/twice a week and going to football once a fortnight. He is incapable of making decisions or any effort and thinks his DDs don't respect him
All I can say is roll on the time when the girls have finished school - only a few more years.
And lucky you...the rest of you

bobs..you can get shut of the lazy fucker before your girls leave school, you know

your DD's probably don't respect him, and they would be right

Aw, bobs.

If it's any consolation, I was with a string of utter fuckwits before I met DH, including DD's biological dad. The fuckwits helped me see what I didn't want in a partner.

The fact he accepted her as his own was one of the first indicators that he was a keeper.

Thanks guys - the girls are 13 and 17 and the older one doesn't respect him, I know. I just tend to think they're marginally better off with him than without ('tho I know what I'd prefer if it was just me). As he says - he doesn't beat me or do drugs, so must be a good Dad....you gotta laugh

He just never got the hang of being either a Husband or a Dad in 18 yrs!!!

nope bobs, I can't find anything remotely funny about that at all

Actually I find some of the things he comes out with hilarious, because he doesn't have the power to hurt me any more. I know exactly where it's at, I'm a strong woman and I won't tolerate any rubbish from him any more...and God he's miserable sometimes. The one thing I absolutely won't have is him having a go at the girls and he knows I will leave him if he lays all his miserable scroogy shit onto them (first time ever swearing on MN )
No advice or anything needed - I made my bed and I'll get out of it when I'm good and ready with the name of a bloody good solicitor....Happy Christmas

ok ok

< holds hands up >

< backs away >

Happy Xmas to you too

DH is amazing.

He may be the best man in the universe.

Although he is a grumpy sod

Mine smells.

Could be because of all the lentils and beans I've been cooking lately....

Mine's a git - he came home at midnight after his work xmas meal, reeking of lemonade, got into my lovely warm bed with freezing cold legs/bum, leeched all my body heat and didn't even bring me cake, which I had specifically requested, then he had the audacity to cuddle me this morning before he got up.
Such a bastard, should I divorce him?

Whoever said he was Mcgyver - I like to think he's more of a Jack O neill. Reality will understand .

is that on account of Jack's sense of humour

No, his dodgy knees.

Oooh , another SG1 fan?

That makes at least 3 of us on MN.

A right old shagger

as you were

Mine is sensitive, loving, loves kids and very hands on dad, lets me go wherever I want and have loads of time to myself without the kids but also always checks if I am ok and looks after me. He is not bothered about status or being in charge really he prefers to do caring roles and I love that about him.

I would think a stereotypical alpha male would be someone who doesnt see much of his kids prefers to work, not hands on dad, not very sensitive, not really family orientated wants more of a traditional wife to cook/clean etc. I want the opposite of that in a man and thats what my husband is.

Why would anyone want an alpha??? Much prefer the quietly confident, intelligent and wit of a beta.

Liked this from urbandictionary.com:

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=beta%20male

'A man who is content with nontraditional gender roles; i.e., he is not threatened by intelligent and/or powerful women, and he does not have to be in control of every situation to maintain his sense of self. (Frequently, he does manifest a quiet kind of confidence and control over his surroundings, but it's not important to him that this is noticed by others.)

A beta male is often introverted, intelligent, and introspective. Though he may have been branded a "nerd" growing up, the adult beta is frequently a thoughtful, capable, and fascinating individual whom many women find appealing.

Alpha males, especially those of lesser intelligence and abilities, tend to feel threatened by beta males, who are increasingly preferred by women in modern times.'

He's funny, intelligent, a fully involved and committed father, he was my carer for a couple of years when I was very ill and many men would (and according to threads, do) walk away but he didn't. He's calm, never shouts, never loses his temper, does much of the housework ...

He's also borderline alcoholic , I suspect has cheated on me in the past. Maybe, I have no proof and I had zero self esteem at the time, so it could be paranoia. everything had a 'logical' explanation...

He had zippo sex drive for a decade. nothing, nada, zilch.

He is assertive, competent, driven. He always sees the positive, never dwells on the negative.

He calls me 'gorgeousness'. That's my name to him. Hello Gorgeousness. Cup of coffee, Gorgeousness?...

He always thinks he's right. And he is bloody stubborn.

He doesn't talk about his feelings much, you'd think he was cold. But he can show such deep emotion at times. He has a heart as big as a bucket.

He has a chronic fear of failure that almost cripples him.

He has lost many people he loves and that has left its scars on him.

He is astonishingly complex. I don't feel I fully understand him after 13 years.

Why is it important to the relationship? I don't know. He's just him. This is the way he is. and he's important

blimey, hec

that is a complex relationship you have there

I just think my DH is a nice guy

am I missing summat ?

There's a possibility I overanalyse things.

I wonder why that is...

or maybe I am just as shallow as a very shallow puddle