Is my marriage over or am I being a fishwife?

[myotherusername]

Regular MNer here, but namechanged for this. I'm at my wits end with my marriage and need some help getting some perspective on the situation. I'm not sure whether it's over and I'm in denial or whether this is normal and I need to get a grip.

We have been married 6yrs, have one DC and I'm 33 weeks PG.

The bad stuff:

• DH never pulls his weight around the house, despite us having numerous talks. e.g. I am currently ill with flu, massively PG, working full time and because I've felt so rotten this week the housework has slipped. Instead of doing more to keep the house going, DH has done far less than the v little he usually does and now the place is almost unlivable. When I ever mention housework he acts like a bratty teenager.
• I have asked him to read the Ina May book before we have our second DC. We are both keen to avoid the nightmare scenario of DD's birth and he said he would read it. Months later it remains unread and he now tells me he doesn't need to read it.
• He doesn't respect my views on parenting DD. I am constantly having to remind him to be consistent with her. He isn't, so she throws tantrums all the time then gets stressed and impatient with her and with me. It's horrible.
• I feel ignored a lot of the time. But then so does he I reckon. He watches TV while I hide behind my computer and work.
• We have no sex life to speak of. How we managed to conceive two children I will never know. Once a month is our average. Has been for years. I don't feel like sex because I spend so much time annoyed with him, but then he doesn't initiate either.
• I am working my arse off, up until my due date, and not planning to take much mat leave so we can afford to pay our bills and live comfortably. Meanwhile he spends £180 on a case of wine for his parents, £250 on a new suitcase for a two day work trip, and has declared that he is getting a new bespoke suit for Christmas. I'm counting the pennies and panicking about how quickly I can get back to work after having DC2.
• About twice a year he goes completely off the rails while out with mates/work colleagues, gets hugely drunk and becomes incommunicado. He last did this when I was 20 weeks PG and had no idea he had plans to go out. He did apologise afterwards, but then a week later disappeared again mid-afternoon drinking with a 'client' and got all arsey when I was worried about his whereabouts.
• I feel like a burden and an imposition in our relationship always having to ask him to do stuff or ask for a lift to the station when he's working from home and it would really be no bother. Not sure why. I just feel like I'm a pain in his arse a lot of the time.

The good stuff:

• He is an equal parent to DD. It's genuinely 50:50. And he is the one who gets up with her at 6am every day so I can get another 1/2 hr in bed.
• He tells me he loves me all the time and it feels genuine (even if it doesn't feel like it)
• We are very affectionate to each other, despite lack of sex.
• He cooks most of our meals and takes sole care of our pets.
• When asked, he will do jobs around the house, but it's so exhausting always being the one to point out the house needs vacuuming or a lightbulb needs changing.

I've run out of patience, again, with our relationship. I feel like we're going round in circles. Is this normal relationship gripes or something more serious?

I think it's normal relationship gripes and you are 33 weeks pregnant. Some things are out of order imo (eg. the drinking and the spending) but all dh's do out of order things - and even the dw's too! I think the sex life is normal (a whole lot better than ours ), but not ideal and I would suggest you get some help with that a few months after your baby is born. I think you are heavily pregnant and stressed and so everything is annoying you. It's good you did a positive list. Did it make you feel better about him?

However, I warn you after the baby, it will get even worse for a while (probably).

Speaking from experience, I would say hang in there. You have 2 children with this man. There's things he needs to change, but it's by no means over because he behaves in a ridiculous way at times. He needs to change. Probably, there's some things you need to change too. But really, are you going to get divorced over a suitcase?!

Thank you Marigold.

The positive list did make me feel better. I wished there was more I could put on it actually. I really really love him and am worried about all these small things eventually adding up and wrecking our relationship beyond repair. Sometimes (like now) I feel like they already have. I feel frustrated and not listened to.

Getting divorced is my biggest fear. Partly because my parents did it and it was awful for everyone, and partly because DH's parents were/are convinced our marriage won't last because of the influence of my parents divorce on me.

I agree with Marigold. I think you both have normal relationship 'issues' and you are very heavily pregnant so things will feel more difficult than usual! But if you are both going round in circles with regards to some of the issues, then maybe it's time to get some external help? A counsellor maybe who can help you see things differently? The issues you need to deal with but I don't see any of the stuff as dealbreakers... FYI, almost all couples I know have different ways/views on money and it's almost always a contentious issue in any relationship! Good luck.

Also, a cleaner to help with the housework issues in the short term if you can afford it (or rather if your DH can afford it if he is blowing money here and there!)? We had a cleaner for 3 hours every week through my pregnancy (still working then and a toddler to look after) and now DS2 is 13 months, I've only felt able to tackle the housework all my myself and have let the cleaner go. I don't work at the moment.

You do seem to contradict yourself in your OP.

How can he be an equal parent when he isn't consistent with your DD?

I don't think you are being a fishwife but something has to change as this isn't good for you.

Should marriage feel like a slog so much of the time then?

I feel ignored and misunderstood a lot of the time and that we just aren't connected on a deep level. That can't be right, surely?

The list of minor irritations is really just the manifestation of that I think.

No it shouldn't.

DH and I have the odd tiff but being married to him is very easy and fabulous.

He's an equal parent in terms of time spent solely looking after DD, but is inconsistent in the boundaries he sets for her which makes parenting harder for both of us.

You know we have a cleaner for 2 hrs once a fortnight but within an hour of DH being home the house is a bombsite!

He's just got home with chocolate buttons as a peace offering. And is making tea. Oh god, I'm a fishwife. I knew it.

I am jealous of your easy and fabulous marriage...

My H has just left me so I am clouded by that but so much of your OP rings in my ears I wanted to say something.

I felt disrespected, ignored and misunderstood by H for most of our relationship.

If I try to put it into words it sounds do daft. Little things, not coming home on time (despite promises to not do it AGAIN!), spending ttoo much money, not changing DD's nappy enough when in charge. So petty but it was being made to feel they were all me being a nightmare, when the truth is he was the problem.

I'm sorry Goat. Did he leave on mutual agreement or out of the blue?

That's exactly how I feel though, that if I try to put it into words it sounds daft... but every little thing put together creates this huge insurmountable thing that is so unwieldy and sprawling it feels impossible to tackle. Either that or I question my sanity.

Really feel for you - the first of your post could have been written about my marriage. Advantages of your DH over mine - he cooks and gets up with the little one in the night so you can sleep in. Advantage of my DH over yours - doesn't go out spending money drinking, and never buys anything. When I've posted on Mumsnet about my marital problems, the consensus of opinion has been that DH is a selfish arse. Yet still I cannot bring myself to leave, becuase of the fall-out for the DC and everyone else. I'm actually seeing a counsellor myself at the moment, and it's quite healthy to get it all off your chest. All I would say to you is don't decide anything drastic while you are pregnant, or have a new baby. Give it some more time. Good luck, and much sympathy.

Sorry.

Chocolate buttons might be daft but maybe he is trying. Maybe have a cuddle and say let's make up and then talk about your issues/problems, etc.

I don't want you to be sad .

Your describing my H pretty well and we're now almost divorced after he had an affair with a 21 yr old, incidentally he's still involved with her. Do you share a bank account? I hope not with his prolific spending. Eek!

Thanks - he went to work weds and never came home - sent a text to say he'd left for OW.

Like I said - I'm biased and choc buttons would be lovely right now

I did use to think 'is it me?' all the time - I asked friends who said they had problems to. It just felt that H caused problems where there didn't need to be any iykwim? We'd be rubbing along great then something - money, drinking, whatever. I went against my gut and it wasn't the choice I should've made. But that's my relationship, yours may be (and hopefully is) nothing like that.

Yes we do teaandcake. Although I have a business account and a savings account which are separate.

We are now sitting in silence. He is clearly annoyed with me and I'm too upset to talk. Situation normal...

I'm glad someone mentioned counselling - for you, not necessarily couples counselling. Plainly, you've got a pregnancy, birth and newborn to deal with before reviewing the Meaning Of Life but, as soon as you have a moment, I think it will be very helpful for you to clarify your feelings, your aims & objectives and your boundaries.

Your H doesn't sound like a total nightmare but - this is a BIG but! - if your relationship felt fundamentally good & supportive to you, you wouldn't be itemising the problems and asking if you're a fishwife! So something's wrong. You need to think about this in more depth - and now's probably not the best time.

To smooth your passage during the remaining weeks of your pregnancy, do try applying proper assertiveness techniques around DH. And do whatever it takes for you to relax! If you've ever done yoga or meditation, then use your balancing methods to help you keep your equilibrium. Hypnotherapy's also very good for this, if you can afford a couple of sessions with a decent practitioner.

Sorry if this sounds a bit "never mind, just deal with it". I really do feel for you. It's just that you've got major stuff on your plate right now, and you DO need to put your own well-being first.
Take care.

The spending would be a dealbreaker for me and I would sort it by putting all accounts/cards in my name and giving him an allowance into a separate account that had no overdraft facility. If he complained I'd say he can leave if he's not happy about it.
If I had to curtail maternity leave and dh was spending Like that I'd go to my parents in protest, cut up his cards... Money is a major cause of divorce-this is not just a suitcase - this is you working like a dog and seeing it go where?

The sex can revive -it took until my youngest was about 4 before it was back to pre kids levels. However, if it's resentment not tiredness then perhaps counselling a while after dc2 is born might help.It's brilliant that you're affectionate with each other.

I don't think going on allnighters without notice is fair or respectful. The reasons for him doing so would be soemthing I'd want to discuss with a counsellor.

If you both work full time and he does the cooking, pet care and 50% childcare, then I think you are halfway to a decent arrangement! I tell dh we're each going to take a room on Saturday am-if we do it at the same time no one feels resentful.

Why do you feel ike a pain in his arse-does he give you signals/huff about helping you out with a lift or is it you projecting something onto the situation? Or is it the other stuff making you feel undervalued?

Hmm start ferreting money away then and ensure your salary and child benefit etc goes into your own bank account. Tbh with his behaviour I would be looking at his mobile phone bill, credit card statements etc. I'm not as articulate as other mumsnetters but the amount of times I've seen threads like this and then lo and behold eventually the OP finds out they were having an affair I've lost count of. But on the otherhand would you really want to be doing that this heavily pregnant? Perhaps Grace has it right.

I feel like I should talk to him now. I'm going to make an attempt. Back later x

Ugh, this is going nowhere. I have tried to explain my feelings and ask what he thinks about various aspects of our relationship. He's not said much. He's often like this when we try to talk, just clams up. God only knows what's going through his head. I have no idea what he's feeling.

As usual he has agreed he should do more in the house but hasn't acknowledged his contributory role in me feeling the way I do. He was desperate to get away from the conversation as usual and is now making more tea.

I think he thinks that problems will just evaporate overnight.

Honestly if we didn't have DD and I wasn't PG I don't know if we would still be together. I probably would have left by now. We have this horrible cycle of just carrying on with the day to day and then me freaking out every few months as it all gets too much. Then back to the status quo, nothing changes. I think I would have lost it and walked out by now if we didn't have a family.

Can we get out of this cycle?

Well unless he actually takes your concerns seriously and actually communicates with you things won't improve

Have you tried marriage counseling?

I still feel a little edgy though on whether there is someone else he's having a EA with at the very least. But maybe I am wrong and perhaps now is not the time to fill your head with doubts. But things cannot go on like this.

Only by talking and getting to the root of things. Is he open to counselling?

OP, in what ways would your life be different if he were to move out now? Overall, do you think better or worse?

I'm sure if I suggested it he would go along to counseling with me. Is counseling really worth it, or just the beginning of the end?

He's huffing and looking down at the floor a lot now. I guarantee the next thing will be he says he's tired and off to bed. Soon he'll be snoring and I'll be lying there stewing and not sleeping. Again. ARgh!!