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Original poster

any advice appreciated

79 replies

thewombles · 13/12/2010 14:55

Dh and i have been together for 10 years. We have 2 dc.

Since I got pregnant for the first time over 7 years ago, sex has been an issue. While I was pregnant it hurt so I didn't want to do it, but dh insisted and starting talking about how I didn't love him anymore and all I wanted was his sperm etc.

Fast forward to today and the frequency is not how dh would like it to be but I manage about once every 10 days. My libido has never returned to what it used to be.

Often now I do it just to keep the peace even though I'm tired (I'm always tired - dd still waking up and coming into bed with me).

Whenever he tries and is not successful (and he then feels rejected and humiliated) he proceeds to freeze me out until I apologise. This happens every few months. I know I resent him for ruining my 1st pregnancy and I wonder if it's possible that this has affected how I feel about him in general and why I don't feel like having sex with him much?

I have no idea if this all makes sense - I'm in the middle of a freeze out and feeling pretty bad. Please tell me what you think.... thank you

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 15:04

what I think ?

I think you are married to a twat of the highest order

I wouldn't want to shag him either...in fact, I am surprised you can even live in the same house as him

when ou say he "isn't successful", do you mean he can't get it up ?

and he blames you for that (as well as everything else?) ?

DiamondShoes · 13/12/2010 15:05

I think you should leave. How can you respect someone who doesn't respect you?

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 15:17

no, by unsuccessful I mean that I've given the no interest signals.

The thing is, his Ex W apparantly used to buy sexy lingerie to keep him so he only knows this. He says I don't know how to be a good wife.

He thinks I should just do it whenever he wants then I'll end up enjoying it. We've had so many arguments over this and I'm tired of it. I now feel pressured all the time. But can I ruin the dc's life (we'll be dirt poor if I leave) because of our sexual problems?

You're right diamondshoes, I feel like he doesn't respect me but everytime I try to talk about it with him, he turns everything around so I get all the blame.

I know you say I should leave him, but maybe if I can figure out how to get over my resentment towards him, then everything would be different.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 15:22

figure out how to get over your resentment ?

put another way, you are saying "how can I make myself sleep with him, whenever he clicks his fingers"

think about it

loving sex isn't about "success" or "no success" and it isn't all about the man getting relief

what fucking century does this bloke live in ?

hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 15:23

What AnyFucker said. Arse of the highest order.

All that emotional blackmail is bollocks... why would you want to sleep with a man that behaves like this?

You won't get over your resentment - he is a dickhead. Why are you making it your problem - it's his!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 15:23

"everything would be different"

yes, you would be with a man who was happy for you to be a unwilling fuckhole, whether you wanted to or not

nice

Xales · 13/12/2010 15:24

How can you get over the resentment of someone who makes you have sex despite it hurting when you are pregnant. What sort of man gets pleasure from that?

Nothing he has said or done has changed how he regards you/sex since then.

You are right he doesn't respect you. As far as he is concerned you are just a live doll for him to use to cum in when he feels the urge.

DuelingFanio · 13/12/2010 15:25

"his Ex W apparantly used to buy sexy lingerie to keep him"

but obviously she didn't? that's what he's implying.

tell him he needs to make more of an effort to be less of a twat.

ShiningWit · 13/12/2010 15:26

In what way did your dh "insist" on you having sex with him during your first pregnancy? He sounds terrible - he is emotionally blackmailing you into having sex with him.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/12/2010 15:30

There's a word for forcing a woman to have sex against her will. Angry

Your husband sounds horrible.

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 15:35

So hang on: he's pressuring you for sex, you're doing it to keep the peace, he thinks you'll 'come around' and when he has a strop you're the one who has to apologise?

Sex became an issue with my ex (he was emotionally abusive although I didn't realise it at the time) and it was mainly because I resented him. I was unable to work through that resentment because in the end, he made my skin crawl.

Had he been kind, caring and we were just going through a rough patch, then I would have wanted to work through it with him. But he wasn't, he was abusive - and I couldn't ever get over resenting someone who behaved in an appalling way. To be physically attracted to someone, I have to be attracted to them as a person.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 15:38

thank you for your replies. it's hard to give 2 sides of a story though.

he insisted by coercing, by saying that i musn't love him then.

He just feels that if I loved him I would do it more to keep the relationship healthy and that once every 10 days is not normal.

he wants it to be like before we had dc. I've explained how it is with a lot of women with hormones etc. he won't accept it. He just wants a loving relationship I'll give him that.

I want that too, but I just don't feel what I used to for him because of his attitude to sex.

I guess what I'm asking is what can we do to get past this? but i think I know the answer. I just still have hope for a normal respectful relationship. (in other ways he does seem to care)

OP posts:
pinkhairsbestfriend · 13/12/2010 15:38

If my H insisted I have sex, I would insist he fuck off out of my life and find a prostitute.

emmyloulou · 13/12/2010 15:51

His ex new how to be a proper wife? Tell him to fuck off back to her then, you'd be better off.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 15:51

Okay, I see what you're all saying. But he says he loves me and he only strops because he wants a normal loving relationship.

i guess he's afraid that I don't love him and i'm afraid to admit that maybe I don't any more.

OP posts:
emmyloulou · 13/12/2010 15:52

*knew

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 15:52

he just wants a loving relationship ?

no

he doesn't

he wants you to put out when you are in pain or tired and makes you apologise when you don't

on what planet is that a "loving relationship ?"

you are in an abusive relationship, best you accept that sooner rather than later

I expect he's a "good dad" though, isn't he (when he isn't manipulating and brow-beating his wife into sexual submission, that is...) < sigh >

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 15:53

I wouldn't love him anymore, either

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 15:53

The onus isn't 100% on you to provide him with this 'normal loving relationship' - if he wants that, then he has to chip in, through normal loving actions of respect, kindness etc. It's easy to throw around loving platitudes but this actions sound anything but

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 15:54

I don't know what to do, I wish you could hear his side of the story too. Maybe I should have left ages ago - but I had a dream. If that's shattered, I don't know where to start...

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 15:59

AF, unfortunately no he's not a good dad. Never plays with the kids and doesn't help out either (but is very stressed and tired at work).

You are right TurnipCake but when I say that maybe a bit of romantic stuff might help, he says how can he when I don't put out.

hearing myself say all this sounds so bad. I'm in denial and just have false hope that it will all change I think.

OP posts:
SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 13/12/2010 15:59

have you explained clearly to him that the more he pressures you the worse he makes it?

perhaps you could put it in his court. for example saying - look i can't have sex when i don't want it, it would make my skin crawl and i would lose any love i felt for you, it's just not possible. i only seem to feel like sex once every ten days or so, i can't help that and you pressuring me just makes it worse. you need to decide if you can live with that and stop pressuring me or if you want to divorce me".

that is if you want to stay with him other than this matter.

let it be up to him. 'this is how it is - full stop. can you deal with it and stop the crap or are you out? up to you'

Poledra · 13/12/2010 15:59

"he wants a normal loving relationship"

That'll be one where your partner doesn't insist on sex when it hurts you. Or you don't feel like it. And doesn't withdraw into childish sulks when he doesn't get what he wants.And respects your wishes. That's a loving relationship.

FWIW, DH and I did not have sex at all when I was pg with DD1, for a variety of reasons and only infrequently during my subsequent pgs. DH never, not even once, suggested that I didn't love him any more because of this. Now that all our DDs are out of the baby stage, funnily enough, I want to make the effort to get back to more frequent sex with the kind patient man I live with.

DuelingFanio · 13/12/2010 15:59

Has he given you his side of the story?

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 13/12/2010 16:01

oh and meant to say, it's always dodgy when one person starts claiming what they want is 'normal' and implying you are abnormal. it's never done with benevolent intentions.

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