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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

any advice appreciated

79 replies

thewombles · 13/12/2010 14:55

Dh and i have been together for 10 years. We have 2 dc.

Since I got pregnant for the first time over 7 years ago, sex has been an issue. While I was pregnant it hurt so I didn't want to do it, but dh insisted and starting talking about how I didn't love him anymore and all I wanted was his sperm etc.

Fast forward to today and the frequency is not how dh would like it to be but I manage about once every 10 days. My libido has never returned to what it used to be.

Often now I do it just to keep the peace even though I'm tired (I'm always tired - dd still waking up and coming into bed with me).

Whenever he tries and is not successful (and he then feels rejected and humiliated) he proceeds to freeze me out until I apologise. This happens every few months. I know I resent him for ruining my 1st pregnancy and I wonder if it's possible that this has affected how I feel about him in general and why I don't feel like having sex with him much?

I have no idea if this all makes sense - I'm in the middle of a freeze out and feeling pretty bad. Please tell me what you think.... thank you

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 16:02

does he have any redeeming features at all ???

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 16:03

thewombles - taking sex out of the equation, what is his behaviour like otherwise? You mentioned him not being great with the kids - is there anything else that concerns you?

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:04

Santa,
thank you, that's what I need to do, even if I have tried to explain this anyway. But when he tries and I don't respond, he forgets all that and sulks yet again. I've often said to him that he should just divorce me but he says he wants me to change. I don't know how to.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 16:05

FWIW, during all 4 of my pgs we did not have sex once and nor did we for 6 weeks afterwards

my DH used his right hand a lot, or I "helped him out" but not once never did he try to coerce me into sex, by emotional blackmail or otherwise

he accepted the situation like a man, because he loves me

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 13/12/2010 16:06

but most importantly, respects me

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 16:07

thewombles - my ex also told me I was the one who had to change. When I tried, things got worse, not better (and why would they? I was compromising myself for the sake of his selfish, screwed up needs). Your husband is totally absolving himself of any of the responsibility that comes with being a partnership and to say that it's down to you is rich. It wouldn't surprise me if you said you felt like you were living side-by-side rather than together. I've been there and it sucks, I feel for you :(

perfumeditsawonderfullife · 13/12/2010 16:10

I don't believe his tripe about the exwife either. Why did their marriage break up op? Did he talk about it?

This man doesn't respect you. He insisted on sex, as if it was some god given right, access to your body?!!

hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 16:15

No he doesn't just want a normal loving relationship. forcing of this nature and emotional black mail of this nature neither features in, nor creates one of those.

My ex used to do this - make me feel like the abnormal one.

You are not abnormal. He's at best a bully.

Get rid, I think, just like AnyFucker said.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:15

yes definitely side by side. You know, I've been putting off posting on here, not really wanting to hear the truth.

What can I do to make him take responsibility when he blames me for everything?

thank you so much for replying to me everyone. I don't always know if I'm making sense and you are really helping me clarify everything in my mind.

OP posts:
hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 16:21

you can't do anything to make him take responsibility. The question is why should you? and when you see that he is not taking any responsibility, what kind of life do you deserve?

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 16:21

You can't 'make' him take responsibility - I know how frustrating it is, but from his perspective, he benefits from maintaining the status quo - to admit to how he's treating you would reveal the truth of how awful he has been to you.

To this day, my ex still believes that there was nothing wrong or unreasonable with his behaviour and blames the demise of the relationship on me. I know that everyone recommends the Lundy Bancroft book, but if you haven't read it - please try to get hold of a copy - it really helped me to understand his behaviour and that I wasn't the crazy one.

SantaIsAnAnagramOfSatan · 13/12/2010 16:24

then lay it out wombles. black and white. i'm not going to have sex i don't want, it would make me feel sick. i'm sick to death of being hassled for sex by you and told i'm abnormal. you need to either a) accept this is how it is and stop hassling me or b) divorce me if it means that much to you. either way i repeat i'm not going to have sex i don't want and i don't want to be hassled about it anymore.

how he responds will tell you a lot. think you need to get 'stuck record' about this rather than letting it go back to square one every time. ie. i've already told you this is how it is, deal with it or divorce me.

this is making you miserable and fucking up the relationship. bring it to a head and have him decide. if he then goes back to square one come straight back to this. he'll either stop it and change or leave you.

currently he thinks he can just keep pushing and pushing to get his own way - make clear he can't and he needs to drop it or leave you.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:26

Perfumed, his marriage broke up because he said he never loved his ex wife. All I have is what he tells me.

the other night I "rejected" him and the next morning I apologised but this time he wouldn't accept my apology. Hence the freeze out still today. He says that I do it on purpose (reject him)to buy myself time to be distant from him to avoid sex(the freeze usually lasts a week where of course there's no sex) But I aplogised and he won't accept it.

I think we both know we can't go on like this, but I'm too scared to make a break and for some reason he won't. I suppose so he can tell everyone that I left him.

I really am scared and don't know if I could ever have the courage to do it, despite knowing what my life would be like.

OP posts:
ChildofIsis · 13/12/2010 16:26

TBH he sounds like a child who's desperate to get his own way.

Your body is yours, not his to get off on as and when he wants.

There is a name for a person who forces themself on someone for sex.
I'm sure he'd be thrilled with a visit from the police!
What he's doing is criminal, abusive and completely last century.

Please don't allow yourself to be intimidated any longer. You are a strong, caring, nurturing woman who deserves a partner with respect.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:32

yes, thank you Santa. that's how it needs to be worded.

thank you for the book recommendation. I'll look it up. I do need help with this, as he often starts to confuse me.

I have to go and pick up ds, but really the biggest thank you to everyone.

I am miserable and I have been envying my friends and their relationships for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:35

yes childofisis,

A few months ago I told myself to give him the attention that I give the dc because I realised that he acts like a child. I know that's not how it should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 16:35

must run now

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 13/12/2010 16:40

He sounds like a nasty bastard.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 13/12/2010 16:41

He sounds as if this is the way he has been getting sex for years. Its a habit and he has never been pulled up for it.

It is how teenage boys (not all but you know what I mean) get their girlfriends into 'doing it'

You dont love me, my bollocks will explode, if you dont someone else will etc.

He has just continued on for years and years whereas most men grow out of this sort of rubbish.

It may be possible to turn things around but it means you having a lot more confidence in yourself and being assertive. That doesnt mean I think its your fault, far from it. But he will keep doing this, making you feel bad because he is sulking.

I dont want to go into personal details but things can change. Its very hard though and you have my sympathies.

IAmReallyFabNow · 13/12/2010 16:43

You do not ever have to have sex with your husband again if you don't want to and he is well able to walk out if he isn't happy with that.

I am another one who had no sex throughout all her pregnancies and for months after the babies were born and my husband never said a word.

You deserve better. Your husband is a bully.

hairymaclairy · 13/12/2010 16:44

OP if it is any help, what I am reading from his side of the story (between the lines) is that he maybe can't express himself very well in other ways and like for a lot of men, (I imagine) to him, being intimate is him showing his love for you and vice versa, so the fact you don't 'put out' for him makes him feel rejected slightly? and knowing you are not fully up for it is probably a turn off for him, hence why he has problems with the arousal.
Can you talk to him and say look, I need a bit of time with this and can we try and be intimate without it leading to sex for a while and see if you can build up to things- ask him how he would perform if there was this much pressure on him to 'put out'. I'm sure if you had the pressure off a bit (and if he helped out more at home) then things would improve.
Also I read somewhere that men who do an equal share of parenting and housework get the most sex as a lot of women resent the fact that they receive no help and subconsciously this puts them off sex through resentment and, well..tiredness Hmm

hairyfairylights · 13/12/2010 16:48

sorry to disagree with a cohairy but.... I think all that is a poor excuse. If that is the case, then he needs to grow up and man up.

notjustapotforsoup · 13/12/2010 16:56

I wouls imgaine that if you tried to emotionally blackmail him into doing more with the kids, then you would be a nag and he would feel less inclined to do what you ask. Why is this different?

I'd love to think that the only men out there who are like this are those who have posts started about them. But I have a hunch that there are thousands of them around. Why do they not realise that their "seduction" techniques just don't work and never will?

notjustapotforsoup · 13/12/2010 17:03

Sorry, I meant to say that the above is in addition to agreeing with the posts that he is being totally out of order in his attitude and approach.

My heart goes out to you. I don't know who to resolve this because it would entail a massive lightbulb moment happening for him and I have no idea who you would bring one of those about.

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 18:04

I agree with everything that you are all saying. That is my dilemma.... how to resolve this.
For years, it's been a cycle. It goes well for a couple of months, then there's an incident where he feels rejected and the freeze out happens, I apologise, then it goes well for a couple of months....

While it's good, I'm literally deluded and think that all is well and we're fine. Then i have a hellish week and I think it's definitely all over, then we smooth it over (usually with sex).

It's a damaged, unhealthy relationship but as I said before, I'm too scared to leave.

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