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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

any advice appreciated

79 replies

thewombles · 13/12/2010 14:55

Dh and i have been together for 10 years. We have 2 dc.

Since I got pregnant for the first time over 7 years ago, sex has been an issue. While I was pregnant it hurt so I didn't want to do it, but dh insisted and starting talking about how I didn't love him anymore and all I wanted was his sperm etc.

Fast forward to today and the frequency is not how dh would like it to be but I manage about once every 10 days. My libido has never returned to what it used to be.

Often now I do it just to keep the peace even though I'm tired (I'm always tired - dd still waking up and coming into bed with me).

Whenever he tries and is not successful (and he then feels rejected and humiliated) he proceeds to freeze me out until I apologise. This happens every few months. I know I resent him for ruining my 1st pregnancy and I wonder if it's possible that this has affected how I feel about him in general and why I don't feel like having sex with him much?

I have no idea if this all makes sense - I'm in the middle of a freeze out and feeling pretty bad. Please tell me what you think.... thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 18:05

I feel so cheated, and like I said before, so envious of women with truly caring and loving husbands.

OP posts:
AllOverIt · 13/12/2010 18:20

What are you scared of? Is it the thought of being a lone parent? Or of his reaction?

TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 18:38

thewombles: I can so empathise with you re: feeling envious of other people's relationships. I would actually cry if I ever heard good news from others e.g. an engagement announcement or just seeing couples be nice to each other - come on, that should come as standard, not something that comes and goes in cycles (and when it's bad, it's that heart-sinking feeling knowing that it never changes)

Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 20:42

thank you turnipcake. How can I gather the courage to ever leave?

I'm scared of leaving mainly because all my family are abroad. If I was to have any support, I would have to leave with just a suitcase and find a job/house etc

Also a bit scared of his reaction tbh. He gets very mean when he's angry.

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 13/12/2010 20:48

oh and going back to your question, no nothing else concerns me. When he's getting "enough" (you know what I mean) he can be so nice, great cook at the weekends, generous.

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 13/12/2010 21:35

Re: getting the courage - I just thought about what would happen if I stayed i.e. I would continue to be the skivvy despite working longer hours than him, he would continue to abuse me and disrespect my family, and if we bought children into the equation - I'd be pretty much raising them alone as he wouldn't be arsed to change a nappy - but would happily put himself forward as father of the year in front of his friends and family.

I just took a leap of faith, went with my gut and knew deep down I would be happier. It wasn't easy - and I went through lots of longing, heartache and pain - but I'm glad I trusted my judgement (after years of second guessing myself).

What is your support network like where you are? Any close friends you can call upon for help? And even if you left with just a suitcase - I promise, it's better that than a continual cycle of misery and emotional blackmail for sex - no one deserves that

Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 07:39

Thank you so much turnipcake,
your story sounds a lot like mine. Dh does absolutely nothing with the dc and wonders why ds doesn't want him around. Luckily for him dd is so sweet with everyone, so she doesn't mind that he hardly notices her.

It's so bad right now, dh is not talking to me. I know I'll have to take that leap of faith, at this very moment though it's easier burying my head in the sand. But I KNOW I have to do it.

My support network is not here, I'm relatively new here, and dh is european.

Thank you for all your wise words.

OP posts:
GiraffeYoga · 14/12/2010 07:47

"Never plays with the kids and doesn't help out either (but is very stressed and tired at work)"

Being stressed and tired at work is NOOOOOO excuse for not doing his bit with the kids.

ShanahansRevenge · 14/12/2010 08:05

OP I see where you are coming from...my DH is similar in that he "needs" sex daily...he doesn't get it though....and that causes stress and some rows.

I see that some men see sex as a justification of ther manliness...they don't feel manly unless they're "getting it on" regualarly.

I suggest councelling. It's easy for people on here to say "LEAVE HIM" but they're too quick to shout that in my opinion.

No relationship or person is perfect...

Katisha · 14/12/2010 08:17

Can you get on the list for Relate? I'd do it now rather than after Christmas, when everyone piles in needing them after all the extra stress...

WIll he keep this up during Christmas do you think?

QuintessentialShadows · 14/12/2010 08:37

I am sorry but this sounds as fas from a loving relationship as it can be. In order for him to have a loving relationship with you, he has to BE loving, not just demand sex.
He is crap with the kids. He does nothing in the house. He is pressurizing you for sex. I dont think he has any redeeming features.

But why should you leave the marital home? Why not him?

malinkey · 14/12/2010 09:00

Has anyone suggested Women's Aid yet? Please contact them and tell them what you've said on here.

This man sounds like a nasty bully - a bit of counselling (which he would probably refuse anyway) isn't going to change him.

dignified · 14/12/2010 09:14

Your being sexually abused , harsh as that might sound , and its highly likeley to escalate . Do ring womens aid and get yourself some support , men like this attempt to wear you down until you dont know whats right any more .

And dont apologise again for not wanting to have sex.

Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 14:22

Thank you everyone. Counselling would be great and I've wanted to go for so long now. DH will not go. Absolutely refuses and laughs when I suggest it. He says it's all my problem. But he genuinely believes that.

I think I should go by myself, but I wonder if they would just say what everyone on here has said?

It is abuse isn't it??? What about in marriages where one person's libido is a lot lower than their partner's?

OP posts:
malinkey · 14/12/2010 14:32

"What about in marriages where one person's libido is a lot lower than their partner's?"

Where two people are reasonable they compromise. One of them doesn't torment the other one and bully and sulk when they don't get their own way.

It sounds like abuse to me.

I've only done a short counselling course (6 weeks) but I found it incredibly helpful. The counsellor may say what everyone else on here has said but they will also make you look at yourself and find out the reasons why you find yourself in this situation.

Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 14:45

Of course you're right mlinkey. It's so hard, it's all I've known for the longest time now.
Finding out why would be good. Did you go on your own or with your dh?

I know I'm not an assertive person and too too sensitive. This doesn't help me!

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 14:50

I'm off to pick up ds now but wanted to thank everyone who's given me their thoughts and insights. It's incredibly helpful.

Sometimes I'm not great at expressing myself - I wish I could have you all by my side as I try to communicate with dh.

Thanks again...

OP posts:
Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 14:51
  • sorry Malinkey
OP posts:
malinkey · 14/12/2010 15:13

I went on my own. I also am not very assertive (but I am getting better!) and find it hard to express myself too so I sometimes found the counselling quite difficult but it was invaluable.

You are probably not as sensitive as you think - does your H tell you are you? Read this and see if it rings any bells.

You may find it hard to communicate with him in particular because he makes it difficult.

Being with someone who treats you badly is bad for your self-esteem, which makes you feel worse about not being assertive, not being able to communicate, etc. You are not responsible for his behaviour and the way he behaves is not your fault.

fedupandneedaholiday · 14/12/2010 15:49

thewombles I'm going through a similar thing with my husband and I would leave him except I can't afford to, I would have nowhere to go. I know exactly what you mean when you say you go through phases of self doubt; I've somehow come to think it's ok that when I say 'no' to sx my husband invariably says something like 'you don't get to have a say in this'. I finally told my therapist yesterday and it's like a light switched in my head. I know now that what he's been doing is wrong and it'll be extremely hard to keep on living with him from now on. Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread yet but have you thought about talking to a counsellor? Keep posting and stay strong. x

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2010 16:10

'you don't get to have a say in this'

does this man realise that rape within marriage was outlawed in 1993 ?

< shockingly late in the day, admittedly, but the law stands that nonconsensual sex within marriage is a criminal act >

fedupandneedaholiday · 14/12/2010 16:14

If there was somewhere for me and DD to go I would leave today.

malinkey · 14/12/2010 16:19

fedup - have you spoken to Women's Aid? I'm sure they can help you find somewhere to stay.

Original poster
thewombles · 14/12/2010 16:28

Yes malinkey, dh does tell me I'm too sensitive! Thanks for the link..... sure does ring a bell. It's all becoming clear now.

I can't believe I've been putting up with all this and getting so upset and not realising what's really been going on.

fedupandneedaholiday, that's awful and I know what you mean about not being able to afford it. I'm going to try to get some counselling.

I'm dreading him coming home tonight. I want to talk to him but won't end up doing it, to avoid the argument that will erupt. So we'll keep on in silence.

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 14/12/2010 16:31

fedup...speak to WA, they can rehouse you temporarily

it may be in a women's hostel, but all the women who have said they have been in one, have nothing but praise for them as a useful and necessary temporary measure

could it be worse than staying with someone who thinks he has a right to violate your ody?