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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ohfuckohfuckohfuck

82 replies

stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:24

I have posted before about this but things have took turn for the worst.
I have had an online 'affair' with an old friend which I know was wrong, stupid, etc etc.
He has just messaged me that his partner has found a message and has kicked him out. I am panic stricken now that she will somehow contact my husband and tell him.
Shit shit shit.
I know you will flame me, and I deserve it. What do I do?

OP posts:
reddaisy · 07/12/2010 22:27

Find out the facts and see if she knows who you are and then maybe get in first and come clean?

mylifewithstrangers · 07/12/2010 22:28

A. Put your head in the sand and hope it all goes away. Lalalalalala

B. Come clean with your husband and try to build some bridges

I know what I would go for. What do you have the stomach for?

RespectTheDoughnut · 07/12/2010 22:29

Your husband won't appreciate that you had to be pushed into telling him like this, but I would imagine that he'd still rather hear it from you than from a scorned wife.

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:30

Me and hubby are only just recovering from some stuff - his depression, financial mess etc - I don't think we'd survive honesty on this occasion.

He has said he cannot risk further contact, and to be honest neither can I so I am unable to get details.

OP posts:
MummieHunnie · 07/12/2010 22:33

I would leave him to sort out his own life and maybe this is the shock you needed to work out what you want from your life and focus on that rather than distracting youself with an online affair.

I would imagine that the wife won't be able to contact your oh, how would she know who he is?

Can you block her from your online accounts?

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:34

I have taken some steps to minimise risk of her contacting me or him, but you never know.

It has been a huge wake up call. Huge. I cannot believe I have been so stupid.

OP posts:
Elmtree1Ems · 07/12/2010 22:36

Thing is...I think these things often have the habit of coming back to haunt you. Would you survuve him finding out from the mans wife? I think it would be much worse to find out that way.

You have done wrong (obv) but im not here to kick you in the crotch about it. I would strongly suggest you tell your husband even tohugh you are not sure you would survive..I think continued deceit and the constant fear of being 'outed' will be just as damaging perhaps?

I might get flamed myself here when I say I dont always believe honesty is the best policy in terms of affairs...but ONLY and I mean ONLY if the marriage is now over. What I mean by this is that I think if someone has had an affair and then the marriage ends and both parties want it ended...then it is not always best to come clean as it would only cause a lot of distress and the relationship is over anyway.

However if you want to STAY in the marriage you gotta tell the truth, you can't build a good marriage on lies.

HappyWithLife · 07/12/2010 22:36

You said it was an old friend...does his wife know you, or know who you are?

SparkleSoiree · 07/12/2010 22:37

I know I could not live with the constant looking over my shoulder through my marriage wondering if anyone was going to spill the beans to my husband.

I know what I would do and that is to find the right moment - quickly - and tell him everything. If your marriage can survive this, only you and he can decide but if he finds out from somebody else would that only make the damage even worse?

momentsintime · 07/12/2010 22:39

how can you have an 'affair' online? Have you even met up with this old flame in RL?

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:39

She doesn't know me. I don't know if she knows who I am.

I want to stay married. I want to stay with my husband. I don't think I would have a choice if I told him.

I feel like I want to bury my head in the sand.

I wonder if she is going to contact it will be soon, so sitting tight at moment and waiting....

OP posts:
HappyWithLife · 07/12/2010 22:42

So...you know that if you tell your DH about it the marriage will be over? Then there is nothing to lose by waiting to see if she tells him (apart from your sanity).

momentsintime · 07/12/2010 22:44

Sit tight. Let her deal with her DH. Doubt she'll contact you or your DH. 'less she's really p'd off & malicious.

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:44

My sanity is clearly in question given my actions thus far. I am such a twat.

OP posts:
garrowismylaw · 07/12/2010 22:51

How do you have an affair online?

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 22:53

I am not going into details. Use your imagination.

OP posts:
garrowismylaw · 07/12/2010 23:08

Sorry but I always thought that to be unfaithful, ie sex, with another person, you actually had to be in same room.

Original poster
stoopidmistake · 07/12/2010 23:11

Thats a very narrow view of sex and fidelity. I wish it were so straight forward. I wouldn't be in this mess now.

OP posts:
catsinthejinglebelfry · 07/12/2010 23:14

I'm with garrow. You haven't been unfaithful although your DH probly wouldn't be best pleased to read the whole grisly stuff (I am sure we can all imagine and also sympathise, it's sooo easy to get sucked into a situation online).

If the chances of your DH finding out are minimal, then I think you should suck it up, say nothing. You will hurt your DH by telling him and actually you haven't been unfaithful, just daft. You're not really different from the woman who crashes her DH's car and hope he doesn't notice, apart from the fact that your DH needn't notice. Of course you have to be honest, but there is honesty and downright stupidity.

RespectTheDoughnut · 07/12/2010 23:17

I totally disagree - it's more than possible to be unfaithful without genital contact. It's unbelievably naive to suggest otherwise.

This is not an attack on OP (especially as she realises that this is the case), but those opinions will greatly offend many on the relationships boards who have been hurt by varying degrees of infidelity, often involving computers. Just because the internet, & therefore the issues related to it, is new & the problems fairly unexplored, doesn't mean that there aren't problems.

OldieButBaddie · 07/12/2010 23:17

you have had an emotional affair
your husband will be just as devastated as he would be if it had been physical. A quick shag is nowt, getting into emotional stuff with someone is not good

You made your bed so you have to lie in it
If you tell him now you avoid him having to find out via someone else
or you could hope he never does and just sit tight
Depends how much you think of hiim really

garrowismylaw · 07/12/2010 23:19

Had sim experience with my DH...overt flirting and constantly contacting a particular woman on Facebook. I went mental, but he had not actually had sex with her, so I had to swallow my hurt pride and look past it.
If you tell your DH he will be gutted as it means you have directed your affections towards someone else...so don't tell him. In some ways we all flirt and think about sex with other people but it does not mean we have been 'having an affair' as you put it.

catsinthejinglebelfry · 07/12/2010 23:22

but surely there's a huge difference between an emotional affair and a physical affair? Of course an emotional affair includes betrayal, but so does gossip, friendships which are too close, all sorts of things including talking about relationships online!. Adultery does involve actually meeting (and fucking) the other party. If OP's DH is unlikely to find out about the "affair" why would she want to tell him about it. She would probly feel better for releasing the guilt but he won't.

RespectTheDoughnut · 07/12/2010 23:23

garrow, you didn't have to swallow your hurt pride. You bargained it away to save your marriage. Whether that was wise or not isn't the issue. It is possible to be unfaithful without having sex. Fidelity is defined by the boundaries of each relationship & you cannot possibly speak for everyone.

emmyloulou · 07/12/2010 23:26

An affair of the emotional kind can actually be the very, very worst as they are the most likely to see damage to the family and the dynamic of the emotional relationships.

So to be frank your ideas are crap and best out of this thread, the op knows this already so it's not a debate.

Op I'd come clean tbh, you are lying to him chances are he knows something is up as you have been under investing for some time and will continue to do so through fear, or over compensate. Especially if another party knows the risks of him finding out through a third party have just shot through the roof

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