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[stoopidmistake]

I have posted before about this but things have took turn for the worst.
I have had an online 'affair' with an old friend which I know was wrong, stupid, etc etc.
He has just messaged me that his partner has found a message and has kicked him out. I am panic stricken now that she will somehow contact my husband and tell him.
Shit shit shit.
I know you will flame me, and I deserve it. What do I do?

I think we're a minority of 2 garrow.

Surely to have a mature relationship you don't have to tell your OH everything you are thinking all the time. Doesn't everyone get fed up/fancy someone else/have unsuitable (for MN) fantasies etc etc. Why do you need to vocalise things all the time? I expect DH to be faithful. He expects me to be faithful. Do I know what is goingon in his head. no. does he know what's in mine. no.

Garrow see I'd say more fool you tbh. YOU had to swallow your pride, wtf about him huh?

We all flirt at times sure, but no we don't all decide to embark on talking emotions and sex chat meant for our partners with other people, whatever crap your DH may have said to you.

I think it's amazing what paragons of virtue inhabit MN.

OP - keep schtumm. No good can come of "confessing" - to nothing really. If the virtual relationshp has legs, then it will have legs. If its a silly flirtation, then just ignore it.

Or to put it another way. If this person is someone you actually flirted with in RL, would you tell your DH. If not, don't tell him about an invisible person. online is not real life!

There is a difference between flirting and having virtual sex and making massive investment into an emotional connection with someone in that way who is not your partner.

Op knows this and it's why she is shit scared and the wife of the OM kicked him out.

So stop being so disrepectful to the upheaval and pain an EA can cause, it's not just a "flirt".

No I haven't been cheated on, but read the torment on all the threads here from people who have before you come out with such shit.

is that directed at me, emmy?

I don't think I am being disrespectful, just realistic.

Life can be analysing every moment, inwhich case it's hard work.

Life can be getting on with it, in which case it's viewing these things realistically.

An emotional affair is not an affair in the eyes of the law. It might be tough, but so are all sorts of things that impinge on relationships. I simply don't think the OP should stir things when she doesn't need to, upset her DH when she doesn't need to - what is the point of that? some form of "honesty"?

stoopid - are you ok? haven't heard from you for a while.

I think you need some space, don't do anyhing rash without really thinking it through. I am a real believer in
"some things don't need stirring up".

Would OP's DP think that sharing on the internet is cool, or not? If to him, talking about feelings online is totally normal then MAYBE he won't be upset. If on the other hand he is upset, it's not worth upsetting him about a totally virtual affair. I would be upset if DH turned to soneone online for comfort. But I'd not be too upset not knowing that. I'd be massively upset if he was shagging someone else, that is the difference. If you use online forums like MN, you talk to all sorts: all of whom could be the mythical Dave the hairyhanded trucker.

Cats your views for the forum you are on are HUGELY disrespectful and not realistic. Sigh

EA's destroy families as it's not only the betrayl of emotions, usually the "cheater" has been knowingly or not under inveseting and neglecting their OH for a longgggg time for this other person.

So yes it was aimed at you, op obviously knows how EA's smash relationships apart and are not just "a flirt or a hard time which people go through", it's why she is so scared.

Thank god I'm not in a relationship with either Cats or Garrow.... I can't believe your attitudes.

Stoopidmistake - as your relationship is in the shit already and you aren't even sure she knows who you are or how to contact you, I would go for 'keeping your mouth shut'. If it comes out, it comes out and you can say what TSC said. Most of us have done something utterly regrettable at one time or another - you aren't alone. Hopefully this will let you assess your relationship more clearly and either sort it out or leave before you have another affair.

well I am very sorry to have been disrespectful, never come across this before, I don't think I am cut out for this forum perhaps though,I am not a delicate flower obviously.

I really do think that most people have intellectual relationships outside of marriage etc - not sexual, just close. maybe work or other things. but that is life, surely. or is there a world where this doens't happen? do please enlighten me.

Chipping in

your advice is exactly the same as mine even though you are glad you are not in a relationship with me.

That seems very odd (not asking for a relationship, btw).

OP

This has turned into an argument which is a shame. I hope you can decide what to do, disagreeement is fine but please do believe that whatever you do decide you will have some support here.

cats - have no idea what your delicate flower comment is all about.

The OP has had an emotional and sexual relationship with someone else. It doesn't matter that she didn't actually fuck him, I bet they have discussed what they would like to do to each other etc and for me that is more than enough to call this an emotional & sexual affair.

Apart from anything else you don't see her being sexual & emotional on line with someone else as a problem - I do. It is not negotiable in any relationship I am in.

I don't have any moral judgments, Chipping - just practical real life thoughts. There is no real affair. There are lots of things which happen in life, online or not, which we'd rather our Oh don't know about. It's not that it's not a problem but what should she do. you and I both think she shoudn't spill the beams. so we're agreed.

no comment re delicate flower.

Don't say a word about this to your hubby. Deny everything. Keep your hubby busy and always answer the phone/door. Do this until around Jan and you should be okay. Hope all the best for you.

I read somewhere that while women care more about emotional closeness (and so would be unhappy if an affair was emotional but less so if it was 'just sex') men care more about whether there has been actual shagging, possibly because some in some primal way if there has been actual shagging then you could be pregnant with someone else's child that they would then have to bring up. Don't know how scientific that is but scientifically I think it's fairly true.

I am in 2 minds. 1 - deny deny deny. You could probably get away with it. If she does track you down just pretend she's some crazy jealous woman. Most men would be perfectly willing to believe this 'irrational woman' story.

Or 2 - come clean. He may not actually be that gutted as there has been no shagging (see above).

It was over anyway. It was a stupid game - one thats obviously gone badly wrong.

I am going with the bury head in sand option for now. I feel sick but I know that honesty isn't always the best policy. I don't believe anyone is 100% honest with their partners 100% of the time.

My marriage is not "in the shit" as someone suggested. I fucked up. I still love him, things aren't perfect but we've been sorting it out. I had ended the contact with the other man as I has committed to sorting out my marriage.

At the moment it seems like you're faced with telling your husband and risking things going up in flames - an unpleasant prospect - or a situation that is more like death by 1000 cuts.

I'd disagree with some of the posters above and suggest that there aren't really any good reasons for having secrets in a marriage. It usually goes one of two ways: either the DP finds out eventually one way or the other and all hell breaks loose or alternatively you try and keep a secret and have to deal with the anxiety, the fear and the guilt that you're currently feeling day in day out. This will probably exhaust you and exhaust your relationsihip. The feeling that when you're waiting for DP to come home you won't know till he's walked through the door whether he'll have found out or not. It may be that he never does, but that won't stop it wearing away at you. Either way, your relationship will suffer.

You'd also have to deal with the fact that if times get better between you and DP, there will always be a feeling of guilt on your part or the knowledge that these good times are built on shaky foundations. I spent two years keeping a secret from my wife (financial rather than relational) and it was a terrible time. When I finally couldn't take it and told her everything, she was absolutely wonderful and was if anything mroe concerned about the effect on me (she'd noticed that I'd been going downhill) than the money. Obviously there's no guarantee that DP will respond this way - my wife is an amazing woman and I'm very lucky - but you know him better than we do and if you think there's a sniff of a chance that this can be resolved well then I'd tell him. Genuinely good luck, whatever way you choose to go.

"I am going with the bury head in sand option for now. I feel sick but I know that honesty isn't always the best policy. I don't believe anyone is 100% honest with their partners 100% of the time."

In discussing our marriage in the wake of DH's affair, we realised he had been lying to me about little and big things for years. What he believed about things to do with God, going for a drink with his friends and telling me he was working late, what he felt about aspects of our married life. It was these littler lies that helped pave the way for the whoppers, the ultimate betrayal (a full blown emotional AND physical affair, so no "grey areas", although I too disagree with cats and garrow).

Stoopid, if you keep this from your husband I think it will be like a poison in your marriage. It will eat away at you and your relationship, until one or the other of you does something just as bad if not worse. It has been a jolt for you, it could be a jolt for your husband to help him realise how much he loves you, and maybe he will want to do everything he can to mend your marriage and make it better (that's how I reacted). He might not react like that. But if you leave it I think it will fester and decay, just like you with the weight of guilt on your back :(

What deepheat said (cross-posted!) :)

That's exactly the points I was trying to make last night, but was shouted down by the we are too cool, we let our husbands flirt and cyber with whoever they want brigade....

Fact is he probably already knows somehing is up anyway as you have been investing emotionally and sexually elsewhere, even if it is only cyber.

The guilt will eat away at you and eventually just destroy the marriage, you think it won't now but that's because it will be him on the receiving end of your projected guilt, which will happen.

But each to their own.