ohfuckohfuckohfuck

[stoopidmistake]

I have posted before about this but things have took turn for the worst.
I have had an online 'affair' with an old friend which I know was wrong, stupid, etc etc.
He has just messaged me that his partner has found a message and has kicked him out. I am panic stricken now that she will somehow contact my husband and tell him.
Shit shit shit.
I know you will flame me, and I deserve it. What do I do?

Stoopid, I am in the exact opposite boat - I am the wife of a dickhead husband, and found the delightful correspondence he has been having with his ex, (all through our pregnancy etcetec). Just speaking from my position, I know who she is, where she lives and works, her kids' names etc etc, but it has never crossed my mind to tell her partner or even her that I know what has been going on. I am too consumed with trying to figure out my marriage and ultimately know that if it wasn't her, then it would have been someone else.
What I am trying to say in a long winded way is that there could be a high probability she won't contact you or your husband.
Best of luck with everything.

I can't believe some of the hurtful garbage posted on this thread and makes me wonder whether there was a troll invasion last night?
Thank goodness for emmyloulou and other regulars. It is astonishing bad manners to barge into a relationships forum full of threads from people who have suffered agony after their spouses' emotional infidelity, and say this is no big deal. As for the people urging that the OP denies if the worst does happen, words fail me, because this would be the cruellest blow of all.

An emotional affair is of course infidelity and legally, is accepted as unreasonable behaviour in a divorce petition.

To your credit OP, you at least accept this, but your decision to bury your head in the sand and keep this secret from your H is, I think flawed and could backfire spectacularly anyway. I imagine that this bloke's poor wife has printed off what she found before she confronted her H, possibly because she knew he was like some of the posters here and that he would deny unless she had incontrovertible proof.

If she does decide to inform your H OP, this will of course be rooted in a desire to hurt you as much as you have both hurt her, but there will also be something in the mix about feeling that your H has a right to go forward in life, making decisions based on all the facts. The other factor in all this is the belated honesty of her spouse, who might decide that his only chance of survival now is if he comes clean about everything, including your identity. His loyalty will quite rightly revert to his wife at that point.

Flipping heck wtf has been going on here with the arguments?! .....HUGE sigh of relief that the voice of intelligence, experience and sense has entered the room. I agree with WWIFN. Truth Truth truth OP.

Please don't bury your head in the sand OP. A few months ago I found out that my H was having an affair in cyberspace with a girl he had med through work. They only met that one initial time but we both agree that he has been unfaithful to me, but I see that you don't need convincing of that.

I was / am devastated. He realises his stupidity and we are both working hard (especially him) to repair the damage. The one thing I am grateful for is that since his confession he has, as far as I know, been completely honest with me. There was nothing wrong with our marriage before his affair but he inflicted damage to it when he started to detach from me and our children though guilt and plain selfishness.

Had he not come out with the truth eventually we wouldn't have had a chance to repair that damage and I believe that our marriage would have spiraled into decline. Your husband can't help you through this unless he knows the truth. From my experience, truth is the only option.

As far as the OM's wife is concerned I couldn't say if she will contact your H. I contacted the OW but it never occurred to me to contact her partner.

I didn't even know that this OW existed before but it didn't take me long to find out her phone numbers, her address, her email, who her friends are, her partner's name and where he works. No matter what steps you have taken to remain anonymous, she'll find out who you are if she wants to. It's not rocket science.

By the way, I didn't find all this out so I could stalk her or do anything else sinister, I just wanted to know more about her.

garrow

Had sim experience with my DH...overt flirting and constantly contacting a particular woman on Facebook. I went mental, but he had not actually had sex with her, so I had to swallow my hurt pride and look past it.

Who told you that you had to swallow it ? Your husband ? You didn't have to do anything. Do you think all people who have been betrayed emotionally should just "swallow it" just because you did ?

How offensive.

I agree with emmy and WWIFN, as per.

I haven't read every post yet, will do later when I have time but just wanted to share a bit of my own experience for the OP.

Personally, I would keep quiet for now, as Sandmonkey says, it's doubtful that the OM's partner's biggest priority is to let your OH know, IMO.

I have recently had an online affair with someone from my past. It was short-lived and consisted entirely of messages of a sexual nature, nothing involving emotions. I confessed to my OH as I felt he should know I had crossed a line and broken our marriage vows. The fall-out has been MASSIVE and we are going for our first Relate session tomorrow. It's not something to do lightly; be aware that there are likely to be huge repercussions so it might be better to not confess for the time being; unless you actually want to.

Do you really think that flirting on line is "breaking marriage vows"? I think that is completely nuts. What about flirting in real life - is that also breaking marriage vows? My partner is the most almightly flirt - I love it when he flirts with other women because I enjoy the frisson and the dynamic. No doubt another type of woman might consider his flirting grounds for divorce - each to their own I guess.

There is a world of difference between "cyber" relationships and real relationships.

"An emotional affair is of course infidelity and legally, is accepted as unreasonable behaviour in a divorce petition."

But where would anyone possibly draw the line here? Are you seriously suggesting that a cyber flirtation would be cited in a divorce case? I mean, I'm sorry but that just sounds completely mad. A lot of what happens on line is pure fantasy - eg: those computer games, porn etc. It is incredibly easy to exchange a few flirty emails and escalate things but that it NOT real life. It's a bit like having a fantasy affair in your head - or is that grounds for divorce as well?

Honestly, with this kind of paranoia I am amazed that anyone is married!

I do understand where you're coming from tadpoles but have to disagree.

I'm sure there are lots of shades of grey in these situations but in my case, yes, it constituted breaking our marriage vows. 'Forsaking all others' is what I failed to do. I conducted an affair. OH sees it as such and so do I.

Going to a social event with your OH and seeing them flirt/dance with another is a totally different kettle of fish. OH and I have always loved to see each other flirt, we certainly don't have an issue with it and would NOT consider it to be grounds for divorce or even an argument.

'Cyber sex' is a quite different thing. Not wishing to sound patronising but are you aware of the sort of thing that is involved in cyber sex? It really isn't just flirting, it's a lot more full-on.

(Apologies to OP...not sure whether your liaison involved cyber sex, just talking about my own situation here).

My 'flirtation' led to me neglecting my OH and children; becoming distant from them; constantly furtively checking my phone for messages; thinking about the OM all the time. That's not just flirtation.

And of course an online affair is always so very close to developing into a RL affair. That's just one of the reasons they can be damaging to a relationship.

Thanks you thesecondcoming.

No, for various reasons, I'm glad I didn't keep shtum. Most importantly, the fact that my OH and I are both willing to give this our best shot has given us both a boost and made us both feel valued and loved. It is also making us examine our relationship and how things can be improved between us.

Thankyou all for your opinions and experiences. I have felt physically sick all day but I have decided that the best for us is to keep quiet.

I run the risk of her finding out who I am, but he doesn't know how to contact me outside of cyberspace and doesn't know my address, nor do they live in our town. Whilst I appreciate this doesn't make it impossible for her to make contact it does I feel minimise the chances.

I will therefore try very hard to move on, put this stupid mistake behind me and put all my attentions back in to sorting out my marriage.

If he does find out I will deal with it when it happens.

The price I pay for my horible behaviour is to live with my guilt and that is what I deserve. I will have to learn to live with it. I can see no mileage in making my dh feel bad, and it would if I told him. He has done nothing wrong. If I can avoid any hurt I will.

Fair enough stoop (don't want to call you by your full name; seems wrong!)

I agree that the 'right' course of action can be different in every relationship. For me, I needed to confess but you have your own valid reasons for not doing so.

Wishing you all the best.

AF, no my DH did not MAKE me swallow it. I CHOSE to look past this issue within our marriage. Yes it was hard but divorcing him on grounds of flirting with a PC seemed so immature.

he didn't flirt with a PC, a PC is an inanimate object

contacting women online, pursuing them, having conversations of a sexual nature, exchanging dirty pics etc are something entirely different

it really isn't much of a leap to meet in RL once those incremental boundaries are crossed

those are real women out there, btw

however, garrow, if you are both now happy in your relationship, I am glad for you, honestly, but it does make me when I see women minimising such faithless and shitty behaviour in this way

I never said he had been sending or receiving dirty pics.

no, I know you didn't

but it is along the same continuum, and pretty much what happens in a lot of this "cyber" crap being discussed on this very thread

I accept yours was a FB thing, so I apologise for including that example when I was addressing you personally

He was flirting with a person not a PC....

Talking, flirting, being emotionially envolved and sexually familiar with a RL person.......not a pc.

Why do women put up with this crap.

So on what grounds do we forgive our partners and move on...none?

garrow...I never said that you should never forgive and move on

I picked upon your use of "had to swallow your hurt pride and move on"

Some women do that...with robust stipulations about the expectations they have of their partner post-discovery. I shall assume he has since shown you by his actions that he regrets his stupidity.

Some women cannot get past it...particularly if the bloke minimises what he has done, blames his wife for him looking elsewhere and just generally doesn't seem at all bothered.

There is no "have to" about it, one way or the other.

Hmm, I would hate to find out my DP had being flirting or whatever with someone on line.

It still cheating because it is something he didnt want me to know about or hiding. So then it is wrong.

The only bit that would be less worse for me than if he had actually shagged someone or had a full on affair is not the whole "picturing" them together scenario.

Think either way a lot to forgive as trust is broken.

I hope I never have to find out.

TBH I'm not sure what exactly the OP did online with this OM, because she never actually went into detail.
If it was graphic, full on cyber sex, then yes, she has every right to be worried. But, as we know, men, and women, can make silly mistakes especially online regarding messages, etc.. I think it all boils down to her DH. Will he be able to forgive her or not. Only she knows how far this went and how forgiving her DH is.

Tadpoles hi.
Do you have a partner? I mean like husband or live-in/long-standing partner?

garrow your insight is truly helpful. I am sure the OP feels reassured.

Totally with emmyloulou.

Fwiw if I caught dh doing as you have done I wouldn't hesitate in telling the other partner.

I have been in a relationship for ages. I am just not very jealous and I could not bear to be with anyone that was jealous or controlling. If I found out my partner had been having an online "affair" (sorry but in my books an affair is a physical thing, with or without emotions attached) I would be - intrigued probably.

Emmyloulou - "talking, flirting...why do women put op with that crap"

Because, to be brutally honest, I would so much prefer to be with a man who is not 100% browbeaten and p-whipped by a woman. Yuk!!

While I dislike mysoginistic men, I think I probably dislike even more men who allow themselves to be browbeaten by domineering women.

I like to think that my partner has a mind and libido of his own. Yes - he might possibly even consider an affair/cyber flirtation or whatever - that is up to him. I would rather that than a pipe and slippers for the next 35 years. (Obviously whatever he does, he has to face the consequences, ditto me!)

Guess we are all different - thank god for that.