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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cannot tell if I am overreacting by wanting a divorce or not...

91 replies

SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:28

...and would appreciate advice.

Basically, DH and I have two DS's. We have been togther since we were teenagers, today is our tenth wedding anniversary. I have been away overnight for work (a very rare occurance) rushed back today so that we could see the DS's and go out for our anniversary. DS's were at nursery / afterschool care, DH was at home, he'd taken the day off and said he was going to tidy up / cook tea / etc. I get home half an hour before we were due to pick DS's up to find DH paraletically drunk. This is something that happens every few months. The last time was 2 weeks ago, when he was drinking while looking after our 1.5 year old. He has now passed out in the bedroom, and I am sitting here looking up how to get a divorce.

When he is not drinking or being an arse, we get on well, and he is good with the DS's.

Am I overreacting?

OP posts:
malinkey · 07/12/2010 20:32

Drunk in charge of a 1.5 year old? No, you are not overreacting.

RespectTheDoughnut · 07/12/2010 20:32

Why was he drinking? I mean more 'what was his excuse?', as it sounds as though he has a problem from what you've said. & being drunk in charge of a 1 year old is a massive alarm bell that it's out of control.

jumpyjack · 07/12/2010 20:35

You say you get on well. It sounds like your DH is in trouble and needs your help. Rather than a divorce, wouldn't you start with trying to talk with him to work put what's going and how you can get him some help.
If he is unwilling to see a problem and seek assistance, then you might want to look at your options.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:36

He was not as drunk when he was with DS2 as he was today (although I realise how weak that sounds!) but he had clearly had a drink.

He doesn't give a "reason" as such - he always comes out with things like "I don't know why I do it" "I don't do it to hurt you, I'm just an idiot" and, of course, "I won't do it again, I know I've fucked up" and yet nothing ever changes.

I think he does have a drinking problem, but I don't know how much sympathy I can have or how much of my life is going to be secondary to his problem. I don't know if I'm being harsh or not.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:37

This is something that has been going on, on and off, for 15 years, by the way. Sometimes there are longer gaps between incidents, which is what makes it hard...but like I say, the last time was only 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
ItalianLady · 07/12/2010 20:37

I would go ballistic if my husband was drunk when alone with the kids.

ItalianLady · 07/12/2010 20:38

If you feel you want a divorce how can it be over-reacting? It is your life and your relationship, no one elses.

SoupDragon · 07/12/2010 20:39

I think you are reacting wrongly rather than over reacting IYSWIM. He needs help with what appears to be a drinking problem. Divorce is, i think, the wrong answer at this time.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:40

I think the reason I feel I might be overreacting is that I respond to each incident like this in the context of all the things that have happened before - I can't deal with it as a single incident, I don't know if that makes sense!

OP posts:
jumpyjack · 07/12/2010 20:41

Have you told him you're thinking of ending the marriage over this? Does that change his perspective on it all?
You're not being unreasonable to be fed up with living with someone with an alcohol problem for 15 years, btw, esprecisely when the safety of your children is at risk. But I can't get a sense of whether he knows how serious it is to you, and whether he'd seek help if it would save the marriage.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2010 20:41

Nothing helpful to add, but I would also be looking into divorce in your position.

malinkey · 07/12/2010 20:42

If he has a drink problem he's the only one who can do anything about remedying it. Maybe you divorcing him will be the kick up the arse he needs to realise what he's got to lose.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:43

SoupDragon I think this is the problem for me. I feel that I have spent so much time over the years dealing with his problem, trying to accomodate it, encouraging him to seek help, trying to support him. He has only gone along with things until it has calmed down - which is why we have never got to any sort of "root cause"

I think the fact it is our wedding anniversary is making today so much more upsetting than it would normally be, and hence why I am thinking about a divorce.

OP posts:
Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:47

jumpyjack I have told him before that I am seriously considering ending our marriage over it all. The last time, two weeks ago, I told him it was a make or break time...maybe I have said it too many times though.

OP posts:
spidookly · 07/12/2010 20:47

You shouldn't deal with it as a single incident, because it's not.

Your husband is an alcoholic. He doesn't "seem" to have a problem, he has one. Definitely.

It's a problem he has to deal with himself. You can't help him.

You can tell him to deal with it or he'll lose you (and mean it), or you can just go.

But no, you are not overreacting to think that this has to be confronted and that it's serious enough to mean the possible end of your marriage.

QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2010 20:48

How poignant then, that he chooses to drink himself into a stupor on your 10th wedding anniversary, dont you think?

Do you think maybe he could be as happy in the marriage as you?

Lulumaam · 07/12/2010 20:49

I'd be issuing an ultimatum along the lines of 'get some help with your drinking with X amount of time, or you will be leaving and I will be filing for divorce'

insensibly drunk when alone with the children is unforgiveable

i understand what you mean about not looking at it as one incident, but as a pattern etc and under the circs, YANBU and he knew it was your anniversary.. and he chose to drink to the point of passing out rather than tidying up and cooking a nice anniversary meal

SoupDragon · 07/12/2010 20:49

in that case, you need to tell him how it is and that this could well mean the end of the marriage if he doesn't sort it out and pursue it to the root cause.

Divorce is shit.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:50

I have asked him if he is just fed up of being married to me and drinking to force the issue - thinking that I will eventually end it - but he says not. But then, that doesn't mean this isn't the case.

OP posts:
jumpyjack · 07/12/2010 20:50

I think you need to act on it then. You need to be clear that he cannot live in the house while he is drinking like this. And make definite plans. However you also need to start getting some clarity in your own mind - is there s chance for the marriage if he sorts this out?

LoopyLoopsOfSparklyFairyLights · 07/12/2010 20:53

You told him two weeks ago that it was make or break time and he still did this?

You need him to look into getting help, or you need to ask him to leave. It isn't fair on your children.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:54

I have issued ultimatums in the past, but they haven't included any sort of practical action...ie it has been if this happens again, you will have to leave / it will be over - as opposed to actually making him get help, if that makes sense. As I say, because there are gaps between incidents, it is easy to just be happy when things arefine - and not keep insisting that he gets help, for example.

Up until today I would have said there is a chance for our marriage if it got sorted but at the moment I just don't know.

OP posts:
Lulumaam · 07/12/2010 20:55

he has to want to sort it . and he is the one with the problem.

Original poster
SalFresco · 07/12/2010 20:56

loopy yes, that is why I am so upset about today - last time was so serious as well, because he had been drinking in charge of DS2. I made it really clear that he had crossed a line then. That is why I don't know if there is a chance anymore.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 07/12/2010 20:57

If I were you, I would ask him to move out. I would ask him to get help, and if he does, reconsider whether you think you can stay in the marriage. But he would have to tackle this himself. It seems to me he has had plenty of opportunities. And so far he has had no incentive, as you have never acted on your threats.

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