I cannot tell if I am overreacting by wanting a divorce or not...

[SalFresco]

...and would appreciate advice.

Basically, DH and I have two DS's. We have been togther since we were teenagers, today is our tenth wedding anniversary. I have been away overnight for work (a very rare occurance) rushed back today so that we could see the DS's and go out for our anniversary. DS's were at nursery / afterschool care, DH was at home, he'd taken the day off and said he was going to tidy up / cook tea / etc. I get home half an hour before we were due to pick DS's up to find DH paraletically drunk. This is something that happens every few months. The last time was 2 weeks ago, when he was drinking while looking after our 1.5 year old. He has now passed out in the bedroom, and I am sitting here looking up how to get a divorce.

When he is not drinking or being an arse, we get on well, and he is good with the DS's.

Am I overreacting?

I agree with QS.

I don't think it matters a lot whether there would be a chance.

It's out of your hands for now.

All you can do is set down your initial terms - e.g. you need to move out and attend aa or I'm divorcing you and see how he responds.

You shouldn't really promise anything for his successful recovery. He has to do that by himself. Then you can revisit.

That's so true - I have made so many threats, and never followed though on them, he knows that although I might say "next time you will have to leave" when the next time comes along, this won't happen.

Has he ever got any help for his alcoholism ?

it seems that when you are physically there, it puts his brakes on

When you are absent, his compulsion is allowed free rein

I would leave him over this. You cannot stop him drinking, you cannot police him indefinitely.

Your children's safety and security is of paramount importance and trumps both his and your's well-being here.

In your situation, i would make him leave and not take him back until he had demonstrated he has sought proper help, over a sustained period of time and has been completely sober for at least 12 months.

Then after that one more strike and out forever

spidookly yes, the ultimatums I have given have all been the other way round - eg, if you don't sort this out you will have to leave - as opposed to leave and sort this out.

I think what today has showed is that nothing is going to change if we carry on as we are.

I would urge you to have counselling. Being at the end of your tether with his behaviour may casue you to make a rash decision, which could be difficult to come back from. Book an appointment at relate and find out why he does this and if he can change and how you can both work on things as a couple.

Relate will not offer help for alcoholism

He has never actually sought any help -and because in the inbetween periods things can be ok, I have never pushed it - everything "seems" fine...until the next time.

You're exaclty right, it is always when I am not there, and the last incident, two weeks ago has made me extrememly nervous - Thursdays are his day off, and he has sole charge of DS2 every week while I work a long day - I am now extremely anxious about what might happen. He has never drunk during the day while in charge of them before.

Councelling sounds great. But after he has moved out. He needs to understand how SERIOUS the situation is. He needs to understand that OP cannot live like this anymore, he needs to change. And he needs the incentive.

it is escalating then ?

Sal, you have to do something, he will not

he must move out and seek help

you must find alternative childcare arrangements

in what sort of world is it ok for you to not trust your own DH with the care of your dc ?

it isn't too late to sort this out sal...just because you haven't before doesn't mean that you can carry on accepting the status quo

time to act

If you can possibly manage it, I would echo that he needs to leave & sort himself out independently of you. Make it so he has to earn his way back as opposed to not force his way out. He's obviously done that already & he needs to see what he has to lose to find the motivation to get help. He can't fight for you until he's fought for himself.

Our relate counsellor offered help on a raft of issues - including problems with alcohol abuse and addiction.

Agree he needs an incentive. Wonder if he would use a seperation as an excuse to drink excessively.

pinkie...if he did that it would be absolutely his choice

IMO, problems with alcohol are best dealt with by specific alcohol counsellors

If he used it as an excuse to drink, then Sal knows where she stands. If he used it as a chance to pull himself together & man up, then all the better for it.

It is definitely escalating - both in terms of the timeframe and in the seriousness of the incidents. It is wrong that I feel anxious about him looking after our children - last week our office was closed on Thursday because of the snow, and I was so relived that I didn't have to spend the day feeling anxious, calling home all the time, trying to gauge from how he sounds if he has been drinking.

I feel like I've got locked into a pattern, but I'm going to have to do something - I've feel like it's just dawned on me that nothing will change otherwise, even though I have "known" this for a long time.

sal, you absolutely have to act

you cannot live like this

Huge sympathies - not what you wanted when you were looking forward to a shared anniversary celebration.

It sounds very much as if he is an alcoholic - it's not going out with mates and coming home drunk, it's drinking at home without regard to his family responsibilities, and out of control.

Doubtless he will be full of remorse and self-loathing tomorrow morning. He probably DOES love you and the kids, but while he is an alcoholic he can't choose to prioritise you, his need for drink has him unable to.

I would tell him tomorrow morning, in a quiet but absolutely serious business meeting - having accepted no lovey dovey apologies - that if he takes direct action, THAT DAY, to seek a means to get support to tackle his alcoholproblem e,g makes an appointment with the Dr (for starters) you will do all you can to support him to get himself under control. You could spend the evening now researching alcoholism and support servoces in your area, and signing up to the family branch of AA - where they offer support and advice to the families of alcoholics. Tll him - if it is what you want, and if you are genuine about it, that you will support him because you love him, and want to save your family life and your relationshipas well as him, his health etc.

However, if he refuses or prevaricates or tells you you are over-reacting, then either be prepared to tell him to leave and not contact you until he has tackled his drink problem in which case you will re-consider, OR know that you face a life of hi being unreliable, getting worse, drinking away your money, causing humiliating incidents (being drunk around the kids in the day will not go unnoticed unless you live as recluses, believe me), constantly protecting the children f the outfall of his drinking. and never being confident to leave them with him. And loneliness and isery.

I know. One of my best friends stayed with her alcoholic dh 'for the children' and it has been wretched. Especially as she was deluding herself that the children benefitted. rthey didn't . They knew, they hated his drinking, and as they grew older were multiply embarrassed by it.

Good luck.

So sorry about your anniversary night

I do worry about his moving out and then drinking more becuase I'm not there. It is one of the things that has stopped me following through in the past. I feel like I would be responsible.

Of course it would and a sad one. My DH chose to go on the mother of all benders when we seperated. It was awful to witness and meant things took even longer to rectify. Alcoholism is of course best treated by experts but IME abusing alcohol is not always alcoholism. Does DH have underlying issues from his past? Is alcohol his way of dealing? If he is a good partner the rest of the time I would be inclined to work this out together.

if the school find out about any of these incidents, the shit will hit the fan like you would not believe

they will, eventually

please sal, you have to get that out of your head

you cannot stop him drinking

just because he doesn't do it when you are there is not a reason to keep him with you all the time

if he goes on an almighty bender it is purely his choice

you must speak to AA, and get some of this destructive thinking put under the spotlight by the professionals, by people who deal with every single thought you and he have had on this subject

your worries are not unique, his behaviour is not unique

bit it is going to destroy your family

you must take control before circumstances make someone else take it for you !!

pinkie, she has tried that

it isn't working

his behaviour is escalating to the point of putting his children at risk

I feel your advice is at best misguided, and at worst, fucking dangerous

I find it difficult to believe you have personal experience of this

Thank you everyone for all your advice. ALl the things you've mentioned Blu are things that I worry about especially humiliating the DC's - they are little enough now to accept what I tell them (today it was that Daddy was poorly and in bed) but they will notice more and more as they get older. Money is another issue - "hiding" money for example, or saying he needs cash for something and then keeping it aside for drink. It is always when he is alone that it gets bad - weirdly, when we socialise he seems to limit himself, but then we are usually together.

School is another worry - if I can't trust him not to drink when he is looking after DS2, there is no reason he wouldn't pick DS1 up when drunk, for instance. And their reaction would be out of my control.

THank you all again

sal, let me tell you something (and you won't like it)

if I knew your family, and I was aware of what was going on within it, I would be reporting you to Social services

you must take control before someone else does it for you

Sal, please take charge here. You can't keep coasting along like this because it'll blow up in your face & it'll be impossible to ever come back from that. This may still be repairable, if you decide later that you want it to be. Protect yourself & your children, & give your husband a chance to protect you all - him included. If he can't, then you'll be in a position to do it. Currently you are not. Currently you are all at risk.